Straight Guise

"I would say the majority meaning 99.9% of them have not experienced a change in their orientation" Alan Chamber, President of Exodus Intl for ex-gays.

2012-01-09T15:23:00.001-05:00

Alan Chambers, president of the ex-gay organization Exodus, came out and said the following quote at a Gay Christian Networking group:The majority of people that I have met, and I would say the majority meaning 99.9% of them have not experienced a change in their orientation or have gotten to a place where they could say that they could never be tempted or are not tempted in some way or experience some level of same-sex attraction. I think there is a gender issue there, there are some women who have challenged me and said that my orientation or my attractions have changed completely. Those have been few and far between. The vast majority of people that I know will experience some level of same-sex attraction.To read more click herehttp://wthrockmorton.com/2012/01/09/alan-chambers-99-9-have-not-experienced-a-change-in-their-orientation/

Why are gay men threatened by straight men having sex with men?

2011-10-22T06:08:00.002-04:00

There was a post at a website titled, "Queerty" http://www.queerty.com/read-this-if-you-wanna-learn-how-to-seduce-straight-guys-20111019/ which was called, "Read This If You Wanna Learn How To Seduce Straight Guys".Queerty.com saw an article I wrote on Psychology Today about straight men having sex with other men. What baffles me are the comments of gay men who are naive and ignorant to understanding that men can have sex with men and not be bisexual or gay. I would be interested in responses here from some of you as to what your thoughts are by the comments on that site. It is clear from reading this blog and the www.straightguise.com website that I do believe and know that bisexuality exists. I acknowledge that and talk about that when it is true for some men. One comment was that, "if a man is having sex with both genders than he is bisexual". This implies that bisexuality is simply based on a sexual act which would then have to mean that being gay and straight are only based on sexual acts.I always say that if I never have sex with another man again for the rest of my life I will still be gay and I know that to be true. Gay men who are hetererosexually married and having sex with their wives are not bisexual after they come out. They were always gay. Here is the website page and the comments http://www.queerty.com/read-this-if-you-wanna-learn-how-to-seduce-straight-guys-20111019/

"Born This Way" Blog: Alex

2011-03-21T02:20:00.000-04:00

"Born This Way" Blog: Alex: "Alex, age 4 Ames, IA (1976) That's me in the green footie pajamas, kissing another boy. I've always loved this photo, and I refer to it as '..."

Very sweet to see images of same gendered kids being sweet with one another.

The Daily Maverick :: 'Sex At Dawn': shattering the monogamy myth, and more

2011-03-21T02:13:00.000-04:00

The Daily Maverick :: 'Sex At Dawn': shattering the monogamy myth, and more

Why Does THAT Arouse me?

2011-02-11T19:12:00.000-05:00

I am thinking of doing a teleseminar to help people understand and relieve themselves of the shame of their sexual fantasies. I would love to hear thoughts of what you would like me to focus on that would interest you in knowing about what your sexual fantasies say about you!

For example, you might have a fantasy of being dominated and spanked. There’s nothing wrong with that fantasy and there’s nothing wrong with doing it. But what I want to help someone do is explore why they have that fantasy from a positive perspective and not necessarily pathologize it. Not in a negative way but in a positive way. What does that mean about you?”

Dr. Kort learned the benefit of helping people explore the origins of their fantasies through years of work with men who are addicted to sex and from those who have been sexually abused. By "cracking the erotic code" and learning the narrative of what the sexual desires mean can help you feel better about your sexuality and learn more about yourself.

If you would like to hear the last teleclass I did on this topic click here

New from the Kort Report February 2011

2011-02-11T19:04:00.002-05:00

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs081/1102561682612/archive/1104300010342.html

I am excited to be going to London, England to offer my workshops for gay and lesbian couples and gay and bisexual males who are partnered or single.

I will also be offering a couple's workshop for all couples here in Michigan in March.

I am writing for a popular magazine for gay men in the UK called, "Attitude", in which I answer questions from gay men about their lives.

Read the newsletter for all this and more by clicking here

Can you call yourself bisexual if you have never had sex with a member of your own gender?

2011-02-07T10:35:00.001-05:00

What's the connection between sexual orientation and sexual activity? Can you call yourself X if you haven't Y'd?

What are the defining features of sexual orientation? That is, in this case, what makes a bi-sexual a bi-sexual?

Who gets to call themselves what? Or in your words, when is it proper to call yourself something?

Can You Call Yourself X if You've Never Y'd?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Same-Sex Affairs: Men More Forgiving than Women, Study Says - Health Blog - CBS News

2011-02-01T07:57:00.001-05:00

(CBS) No one likes being cheated on, but guys are more willing to forgive and forget when their girlfriend cheats with a woman than with another man.
In fact, guys are more than twice as likely to continue to date a woman who strays with a woman than one who has a heterosexual affair, according to a new study.
What about women who've been cheated on? They show the opposite pattern, saying they're more likely to continue dating a man who has had a heterosexual affair than one who has had a homosexual affair.

Same-Sex Affairs: Men More Forgiving than Women, Study Says - Health Blog - CBS News

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Sex on the Download: A Four part teleclass

2011-01-18T10:34:00.001-05:00

Find out what is wrong and what is right with looking at porn on the internet and chatting with others on the internet.

SEX ON THE DOWNLOAD:
Part 1
A four part teleclass with Joe Kort and Tammy Nelson

"Sex on the Download" is a reflection of our current culture of internet relationships where the growing societal influence of connecting in cyber relationships can create real time intimacy, but may also lead to compulsive sexual behaviors, porn addiction and compulsive infidelity.

Is it inevitable that in the not too distant future we will ultimately download all of our intimate and sexual connections?

For some users, this time may already be here. And it may be effecting real life partnerships, jobs, and the ability to create healthy sexual connections.

Therapists, educators, sexuality counselors and medical practitioners will benefit from this training to assist anyone who uses the internet as a pathway to relationship, connection, sexuality or pleasure and who finds themselves caught in a web of cyber chaos, pain, addiction or crisis.

Learn direct interventions, insight oriented and nonpathologizing behavioral changes, and directed attempts to connect for couples and individuals. We will use lecture, case example and worksheets and handouts. Supervision, group discussion and ongoing support is included in this LIVE teleclass.

Four Tuesdays: Jan 25, Feb 1, 8, 15, 2011
12pm – 1pm EST

COST: $200 (student discount may be available)

Week 1 - Participants will learn to provide appropriate diagnosis of sexual disorders such as sexualcompulsivity, sexual addiction, porn addiction, compulsive infidelity and other sexual behavioral disorders that manifest as internet disorders. Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Is porn addiction real? Can it be something else? What is healthy use of the internet? Can pornography use ever be healthy?

Week 2 - Participants will learn ways to work with partners to accept responsibility for the repair of sexual dysfunction as it relates to object relations and personal sexual history. Work with couples to repair relationships after infidelity, after porn addiction, after betrayal or trauma. Move partnerships through specific stages of erotic recovery necessary for healing.

Week 3 - Participants will learn ways to address the nonsexual meanings of sexual behaviors or lack thereof including cracking the code of fantasy and desire as it relates to internet behavior. Learn ways to share fantasy with partners to decrease anxiety and bring erotic energy back in to the relationship instead of splitting it off to outside exits.

Week 4 - Participants will learn ways to explore their own countertransference, assumptions and assertions and the difficulties this presents in the treatment of internet relationships. The non-pathological use of theinternet is reflected in positively framed couples work using fluidity, intuition and sexual empathy.

Tammy Nelson, PhD, LPC, is a Certified Sexologist, a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Imago Therapist and the author ofGetting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together, and lectures and trains internationally on sex and relationships. http://www.DrTammyNelson.com/

Joe Kort, PhD, LMSW, is a psychotherapist and Board Certified Sexologist who specializes in sexual identity issues, IMAGO relationship therapy, sex therapy and sexual addiction. He is the author of two books on gay male identity and relationships, Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician and has a chapter for female partners who are involved with men who have sex with men in Mending a
Shattered Heart. http://www.joekort.com/

Sexual Orientation Confusion: Making Sense of Sexual Orientation Confusion on About.com

2011-01-12T14:12:00.003-05:00

Sexual Orientation Confusion
Making Sense of Sexual Orientation Confusion
By Cory Silverberg, About.com Guide
Updated February 11, 2009

In public, most people present themselves as having one single sexual orientation. Society, families, and even our closest friends put a lot of pressure on us to choose one sexual orientation and stick with it. But privately, many of us have questions and some confusion about our own sexual orientation -- and not just when we’re younger.

How Is Sexual Orientation Determined?There are many theories about how sexual orientation is determined, and often the theory you get will say as much about the person giving it as it does about the research or thought that went into developing the theory.

Those who subscribe to the theory of genetic determinism believe we’ll find a single “gay gene” or marker that controls our sexual orientation. Another theory is that no single factor will be found that accounts for our sexual orientation, because no single factor exists. Yet another theory is that the problem is in thinking about sexual orientation as something fixed in the first place. Some theorize that sexual orientation is a more or less fluid depending on the individual, and that it changes based on a combination of nature, nurture, and personal interactions.

Different groups also debate the question of whether or not sexual orientation is a choice. This is related to the debate about whether or how much sexual orientation is genetic, and like that discussion, this one has no single answer and will likely never end.

To read more click here.

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/MaleSurvivor-s-Dr--Howard-Fradkin-issues-statement-as--how-to--e-book-for-pedophiles-makes-headlines.html?soid=1102872218941&aid=FK7J1j1fU10

2010-11-12T13:55:00.000-05:00

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/MaleSurvivor-s-Dr--Howard-Fradkin-issues-statement-as--how-to--e-book-for-pedophiles-makes-headlines.html?soid=1102872218941&aid=FK7J1j1fU10

Los Angeles, Calif., (November 11, 2010) - After reading the recent CNN report about Phillip Greaves' e-book being boycotted by thousands of Amazon.com users, Dr. Howard Fradkin, founding board member of MaleSurvivor, wants people to understand the reality of children who have been sexually victimized by pedophiles. Researchers have found that one in six boys are sexually abused by the age of eighteen, with an average age of ten for the first incident. Most boyhood sexual abuse occurs between the ages of two and fifteen at the hands of adults commonly referred to as pedophiles.

"While I have not read the book, I have read Phillip Greaves' comments from his interview with CNN. Here is what I would like people to understand:

"True love does not include hurting children, and any time a child is violated sexually, either through penetration, sexual kissing or fondling, it hurts the child. Children do not have the capacity to give informed consent; even if a child perceives some pleasure in the attention received from a pedophile, in my experience it is always harmful to the child, not just in the moment, but for a very long time.

"From my perspective, loving a child commits an adult to protect the child from the demands of adult sexual needs and desires. Pedophiles are unable to see their behavior as harmful to a child which is why they describe it as being a loving way to introduce sexuality to a child.

"It may only be much later in adulthood that children experience the ill effects of the abuse, which often includes problems with emotional and sexual intimacy stemming from an inability to trust, substance abuse, sexual addiction, confusion in sexual orientation, depression, and suicide.

"The imposition of adult sexuality and emotional needs on a child is a developmental catastrophe, even when it is done with the 'best of intentions', the sort of good intentions I suspect Philip Greaves may argue for in his book.

"Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse do not become pedophiles, although it is believed most pedophiles were themselves victims of sexual abuse in childhood. Pedophiles often lack true empathy for the negative effects of their own childhood experiences of abuse and similarly lack true empathy for the negative effects of their sexual behavior with children.

"I would hope that instead of a book being written to help pedophiles engage in their behavior with less shame and guilt, a book should be written to help pedophiles identify the ways in which they mistake their own adult sexual desires toward children as an act of love, rather than as an act of self-gratification."

Today, Dr. Fradkin will appear on The Oprah Winfrey show alongside Tyler Perry and 200 brave men to lift the veil of shame from male sexual abuse. The first segment of this two-part series aired last Friday, November 5, and has been touted as one of Oprah's most groundbreaking, "game changing" shows in her twenty-five year talk show career.

Today at 4PM Oprah Part 2 Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse

2010-11-12T13:43:00.002-05:00

A TWO-DAY OPRAH SHOW EVENT: 200 ADULT MEN WHO WERE MOLESTED COME FORWARD, PART 2

This show today will be about men and their partners dealing with the aftermath and post traumatic stress of childhood sexual abuse.

http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/An-Oprah-Show-Event-200-Men-Who-Were-Molested-Come-Forward-Part-2

NoMoreDownLow.TV

2010-11-12T13:38:00.002-05:00

I just found this on Facebook. It is relevant for this blog given that I started this blog based on the concept of men on the downlow.

NoMoreDownLow.TV

--a one-of-a-kind lifestyle and entertainment web television show.

http://www.NoMoreDownLow.TV

http://www.youtube.com/nomoredownlowtv

http://www.twitter.com/NoMoreDownLowCompany

Overview:
NoMoreDownLow.TV is the premiere lifestyle and entertainment web television broadcast dedicated to speaking the truth and dispelling the negative stereotypes of same gender loving people of color and their allies.

Jonathan Plummer & Janora McDuffie are the co-hosts. The show debuts on National Coming Out Day, October 11, 2010.Mission:Produced by Winbourne Entertainment Group; Earnest Winbourne, CEO and Executive Producer; Calvin Fleming, ProducerFacebook

Page:http://www.facebook.com/NoMoreDownLow.

Sexually Abused Males

2010-10-31T18:14:00.003-04:00

So many readers of Straight Guise are sexual abuse survivors. Sexual abuse is the number one reason many straight men compulsively have sex with other men.

Given this I want to direct readers to a Q&A I do for http://www.malesurvivor.org/

http://malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=76&page=1

Also coming this Friday, November 5 is a two-day discussion on Oprah on males who have been sexually abused

http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/A-Two-Day-Oprah-Show-Event-200-Men-Who-Were-Molested-Come-Forward_1?post_login=1

Oprah flew out 200 men who were sexually abused and for the first time has an all male audience talking about their childhood sexual abuse experiences.

New Study show that 17% of heterosexual adults admit being attracted to someone of the same gender!

2010-10-31T18:11:00.002-04:00

Adam & Eve (http://adamandeve.com/news), America’s most trusted source for adult products, isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions when it comes to its “Great American Sex Survey.” This month’s results reveal that 17% of heterosexual adults admit being attracted to someone of the same gender!

For more information go to http://gaytoday.com/index.php/2010/10/30/new-adam-eve-sex-survey-reveals-17-of-hetero-american-adults-admit-same-sex-attractions/

Response emails to gay for pay

2010-10-29T12:56:00.003-04:00

This is an email I received after my "Gay for Pay" article was written. I
am reprinting with permission from the sender:

I believe that there is
such a thing as gay for pay. Many gay for pay performers are mediocre at best
and some of them are downright awful. Any time a man needs to see straight porn
while performing gay sex you should know that he is in bad shape. For example Bam is a porn star
who does not gay and straight porn. More often than not, his gay performances
are not particularly well done. On the other hand, when he performs straight sex,
he does not have a single problem in maintaining an erection sometimes that he
must work on to perform gay sex. Another example is Castro aka Supreme. He is
one of the worst performers around. When he performs with black or Latino
performers, he makes having sex look like a very difficult job to do. He has the
hardest time trying to position his sex partner. The only time when he seems
remotely interested in performing gay sex is when he started to perform with
white gay performers. I think that his performances with them is based on the
fact that he is paid more on a white website than black studios and he can push
his white performers around with great ease because they like being treated that
way particularly when performing with a black star with a big dick. The extreme
lack of intimacy and the absence of touching while performing sex is another
indicator to me. Although I recognize that some gay men will not kiss or touch
their partners, gay for pay performers not only have that problem but they also
will not perform certain other sexual behaviors that they find distasteful like
sucking another man’ penis. This situation is common among many black
homosexuals. One more example watch Bjorn’s movie about making a porn movie and
look at the some of the performers and the expressions on their faces. You see
nothing but disgust and contempt. I will stop rambling. Take care

Is there such thing as ‘gay for pay?’

2010-10-26T22:52:00.002-04:00

My comment is basically about sexuality – specifically in the gay porn industry.

Many “gay” porn performers insist they are completely straight and only
“do it for the money.’” I guess my question is: Can you be completely straight
while having gay sex?

My opinion is that you have to be aroused during
sex with someone – which would mean these ’straight’ performers are turned on by
their male partner – which would mean they’re not completely straight. Right?

However, I’ve talked to industry insiders who aggressively maintain that
many of their performers are indeed completely straight and are NOT aroused
while performing a gay sex scene and that they are “just doing their job.” This
confuses me greatly.

I would say that sexuality is fluid and not black
& white, but the topic of “gay for pay” in the porn industry is a hot topic
and it fascinates me that these performers contend and assert their
heterosexuality. What are your opinions?

The answer to the question is absolutely yes! The way to understand this is from the perspective that what excites these guys is not the man but sex. For many men, the act of sex is arousing and male or female is not as much a factor as the actual sexual arousal. For example, we understand that men in prison engage in sex with other men and are not gay. Their sexual orientation stays the same, but the desire for sexual release and orgasm is the drive – not the sexual connection to the man.

There is a difference between sexual orientation, sexual fantasies, and sexual behavior. They don’t often line up the way we think they should. Many gay men enjoy sex with women – especially younger gay men and heterosexually-married gay men. These men report they enjoy the sexual act and are deeply satisfied because of their connection to the woman.

To read more of my answer go to http://www.365gay.com/news/ask-the-expert-is-there-such-thing-as-gay-for-pay/

American Sex Survey proves that people can be heteroflexible

2010-10-26T22:41:00.003-04:00

A recent American Sex Survey funded by the maker of Trojan condoms helps explain that more men have had sexual contact with other men and legitimizes my clinical findings The survey was of 5,865 people ranging in age from 14 to 94.

Also, researchers discovered quite a few middle-aged American men are on the down low: While just 7% of adult woman and 8% of adult men identified themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual, some 15% of men aged 50 to 59 said they had received oral sex from another man.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2010/10/04/2010-10-04_sex.html#ixzz13WVPgyJx

Here is a clip of a local news station in Detroit, MI in which I was interviewed about the survey

MaleSurvivor Conference

2010-02-18T11:09:00.002-05:00

MaleSurvivor Conference will offer cutting edge research, best clinical techniques and advocacy strategies on male sexual abuse

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs089/1102872218941/archive/1103060214943.html

International organization dedicated to preventing, healing, and overcoming sexual victimization of boys and men through education, treatment, and advocacy announces 2010 conference at John Jay College

New York, NY (February 16, 2010) – MaleSurvivor (www.MaleSurvivor.org), an international organization dedicated to issues surrounding the sexual victimization of boys and men, has announced the details of their bi-annual “Healing & Hope” international conference. The conference, whose attendees travel from all over the world to participate in workshops and seminars conducted by leading experts, will take place at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City from Thursday, March 18, 2010 through Sunday, March 21, 2010.
This year’s line-up of guest speakers and authors includes: Theoron Fleury, Olympic Gold Medalist and Stanley Cup Champion; Robert B. Oxnam, a dynamic speaker and Asia expert who has advised leaders such as Bill Gates and Warren Buffet; Joe Kort, PhD (MSW, MA), a Board Certified Sexologist specializing in sex therapy and author of “Mending a Shattered Heart”; Robert Weiss (LCSW, CSAT), Founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute and author of “Cybersex Exposed.”

Originally geared toward clinicians and behavioral health professionals, many of whom were survivors, the conference has grown to include survivors and their loved ones, attorneys, law enforcement professionals, legal advocates, researchers, educators, and students.

“The range of presentations has become exceptionally wide and includes workshops, clinical presentations, and survivor presentations about personal experiences,” remarked Dr. Richard Gartner, official spokesperson for MaleSurvivor. “Research discussions, prevention workshops, and presentations by leading experts from all fields are an integral part of what make the conference such a unique opportunity for those who attend.”

The cost to attend the 2010 International “Healing & Hope” conference ranges from $250 to $449. Members of MaleSurvivor pay a reduced rate. For more information about the conference contact Trish Massa at YTAMassa[at]aol.com.

About MaleSurvivor

Founded in 1995, MaleSurvivor (www.MaleSurvivor.org) is committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism. The organization offers a bi-annual international conference, several “weekend of recovery” retreats throughout the year, and web based services including a quarterly newsletter, discussion boards, chat rooms and educational materials. Memberships are available for both survivors and all who support them.

What is the difference between a fetish and sexual addiction?

2010-02-11T22:45:00.002-05:00

There's a difference between a fetish and hypersexuality--also known as sexual addiction. For every female who exhibits this disorder, there are 20 males who do, so most of this discussion will revolve around men.

A fetish is defined as erotic or sexual significance being projected onto some (ordinarily!) nonsexual inanimate object. Targets of fetishists' desire can include shoes, stockings, jockstraps, underwear and practically anything not typically considered to be sexually arousing in and of itself. Many people can be aroused at the sight of someone wearing these articles of clothing, but the course of any sexual act with that person, such "accessories" are quickly discarded. But for the fetishist to experience sexual arousal and gratification, he needs to have the article of clothing or inanimate object physically present . He depends on the object for tactile and (usually) visual stimulation. Without it, he's often unable to ejaculate or even become erect.

A fetish is similar to, but not the same as sexual addiction, in that it is repetitive, compulsory and at times ritualized. A fetish can take up considerable time-sometimes hours-involving sexual urges, behaviors and fantasies of the particular object. Some people have just one fetish while others have more than one. Many who possess a fetish find it disturbing, time-consuming and intrusive, not wanting this particular desire and interest to be so compelling. But it does differ from sexual addiction in that it can be incorporated into one's sexual life and not interfere. Often it is the more about the shame around the fetish than the fetish itself. Some in the psychotherapeutic community point to strong evidence that fetishism may lie along the spectrum of obsessive-compulsive disorders.

Those who enter therapy for a fetish typically report experiencing jut as much distress as those suffering from sexual addiction. The clinician must assess if the reported distress derives from shame (based on lack of education about their sexually arousing desires) and to what degree it's interfering with their forming attached relationships, or with any "public" area of their lives like employment or studies.

There's some controversy over how valid and reliable the classifications of fetishes really are. There's also controversy around some of the fetishes-particularly transvestic fetishism-being removed from the DSM-IV, since these activities typically involve consenting adults and do not violate any laws.

I personally agree that otherwise we shouldn't pathologize behavior that isn't pathological! Except for ones that harm children and others that which are illegal, all paraphilias should be removed from the DSM-IV. They may not seem normal to many, but that's not to say they aren't healthy and normal for a given individual.

A partialism is a sexual focus on not the entire body, but only a body part (hair or feet) or bodily characteristic or feature (hair, feet, amputation). Thus, "foot fetishist" is really the incorrect term for someone into feet. He should really be called a "foot partialist."

The good news is that fetishes, partialisms, and other paraphilias can often be incorporated into a healthy sex life with a partner! Therapists should know how to help these individuals and advise these couples.

Is Sexual Addiction the right term? Free audio class

2010-02-01T20:03:00.002-05:00

Sex Addiction, Is it Real?
with Dr. Joe Kort

What would you do if Tiger Woods and his wife came to your office? Would you know how to treat them? Sex addiction and sexual dependency are common in today's treatment offices. But do you know how to make a differential diagnosis? And more importantly, do you know how to help these people and their partners?

For a free download click here http://joekortclasses.com/default.asp?id=3119.

While this is primarily for clinicians, everyone could learn and understand how sexual addiction is treated by certified sex addiction therapists.

Sexual Addiction Chat in Detroit Free Press Q&A

2010-02-01T19:59:00.003-05:00

Today the Detroit Free Press had a web chat on the topic of sexual addiction with myself and Dennis Sugrue, Bloomfield Hills answering questions. The discussion was moderated by Patricia Anstett, Detroit Free Press medical writer.

If you are a reader of this blog and StraightGuise.com, and you think your sexual contact with men might be a result of sexual addiction and compulsivity, than this might be helpful for you.

Go to http://www.lansingstatejournal.com/article/20100201/NEWS01/100201002 and read the hour long chat.

Controversy over sexual addiction

2009-12-27T11:00:00.005-05:00

Many of you who read this blog know that I specialize in both sexual addiction, sexual compulsivity and sexology. I try to look at sexual practices, fantasies and behaviors from a positive perspective as much as possible. The debate around sexual addiction is growing. Sexologists and sex addiction therapists often disagree with one another.

Can there be a middle ground? I think so.

To find this middle ground we have to look at all the issues around sexual addiction and compulsivity as well as those individuals who are acting out their own narcissism, childhood sexual abuse or simply are immature and want to have a lot of sex without regard for others.

In my practice I see much more of those who are experiencing loss of control over their sexual behavior and are horrified by those they have hurt around them--including themselves.

First there was this article in a blog called, "The Salon"

Is sex addiction real?

By Tracy Clark-Flory

It's spawned a VH1 show and an excuse for Tiger Woods. But some experts balk at the idea of being hooked on nooky.

Since the term was coined in 1983, "sex addiction" has become so embroidered in
our self-help vocabulary that most of us stopped questioning it. The term gets
bandied about whenever Bill Clinton logs extracurricular time with an intern or
Eliot Spitzer gets caught having sex in his socks or David Duchovny separates
from his wife. Recently "Sex Rehab" host Dr. Drew Pinsky made headlines by
suggesting that Tiger Woods has a sex addiction. It's become the go-to defense
for extramarital affairs (I'm not an asshole; I'm an addict!) and been sold to
"Oprah" viewers eager to diagnose their porn-loving husbands as both addicts and
assholes.

A problem with news reports and journalism on sexual addiction or any other controversial issue is getting the facts correct. So another journalist posted a correction of what the, "The Salon" reported.

Fact Checking Sex Addiction Coverage
by Benoit Denizet-Lewis

Every couple of years, when a celebrity actor goes to sex addiction
treatment or a celebrity golfer sleeps with dozens of women who are not his
beautiful model wife, the media “rediscovers” sex addiction. Predictable
questions are bandied about: Is sex addiction real? Can someone be addicted
without a substance? Isn’t sex addiction just a clever excuse for whoring
around/irresponsible behavior? What’s next—an addiction to reading blogs?

In recent days, Salon and Slate—online magazines that I’ve contributed
to—have entered the fray. Slate published a piece that covers familiar
ground,
arguing that “our enthusiasm for labeling new forms of addictions
seems to have
arisen from a perfect storm of pop medicine,
pseudo-neuroscience, and misplaced
sympathy for the miserable.” Salon’s
story, which quotes me, strives for some
pseudo-balance but is still deeply
unsatisfying.

There have been many
articles/television segments
about Tiger Woods/sex addiction in the last week,
but one man can only take
so much lazy, knee-jerk journalism. For the sake of
time, I’m restricting my
analysis to the the Salon piece, which is far from the
worst but which
quotes several anti-sex addiction “experts” who don’t know what
they’re
talking about (on this issue, at least). In bold are portions of the
story,
followed by my analysis.

Whatever is decided to call this problem, the truth is that it exists. It causes men and women to behave sexually in ways that are out of integrity with themselves and their lives.

Mitch Albom opposes guys kissing--I guess?

2009-12-11T12:02:00.004-05:00

In Mitch Albom's Dec 6 column he writes about celebrities doing outrageous things for fame. He lumps Adam Lamberts "guy-kissing" as one of them.

This is one of the very things that causes heterosexual men to not come out and disclose their sexual behaviors with other men. It also causes gay and bisexual children, teenagers and adults to feel shame for wanting to be a "guy-kissing" man.

John Corvino writes"what is wrong with that" at 365gay.com

The article ends with "...somewhere, some seventh-grade boy with a
pre-articulate crush on a male classmate is reading Albom’s column and thinking
that there’s something shameful about “guy-kissing.”Shame on you, Mitch. You
should know as well as anyone that words matter.

I agree with Corvino! What do you think?

When sex gets in the way of your relationship

2009-12-01T23:35:00.001-05:00

INTERNET PORN = ADDICTION, RECREATION or INFIDELITY?
with Joe Kort, MSW and Tammy Nelson, MS

http://www.joekortclasses.com/default.asp?id=4434

In this course we'll explore a differentiated view of pornography use, assessing for addiction and compulsive use, as well as defining when porn is used as recreation and its possible meanings in different relationships, of all sexual orientations.

We will define monogamy, fidelity and exclusivity as it relates to pornography use in couples and look at the pathological perspective of pornography use as it desensitizes and/or traumatizes viewers.

We will also see how porn can re-eroticise relationships when there has been erotic neglect.

Participants will learn the three reasons people go on the Internet to look at porn and will find ways to assess, treat and intervene when porn is a problem.

TELECLASSES ARE ON-THE-PHONE CLASSES - YOU DO NOT NEED TO JOIN LIVE - YOU WILL RECEIVE A RECORDING OF THE CLASS TO LISTEN ON YOUR OWN TIME

WHEN: December 7 - 1PM to 2pm EST
COST: $25 (Intro class does not include CEs)

To REGISTER: Click the link to below to register, pay by MC/Visa and receive the number and info to join the class.

http://www.joekortclasses.com/default.asp?id=4434

Depathologizing Porn: Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable Diversion?

2009-11-12T00:15:00.004-05:00

Usually this site is only about straight men who have sex with men. However, I have an article featured in a national psychotherapy magazine and I thought it would be of interest to readers of this blog.

It focuses on a heterosexual couple where the husband is caught using pornography by his wife. I illustrate how I work with the couple. The way in which I treat this couple is similar to how I would work with couples entering my office for the men who are caught viewing online male on male pornography.

Depathologizing Porn
Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable Diversion?

by Joe Kort

In more than 25 years of practice, I've heard hundreds of stories of how pornography use can damage people's sex lives profoundly and ruin their marriages. I've personally had many couples describe the shame and secretiveness of one partner's involvement with porn. Time and again, I've treated people for whom viewing porn has become a compulsion and who've come to prefer it to being with a partner. Yet I've worked with many for whom porn isn't destructive to their relationship, but, in their view, offers a source of excitement and satisfaction they wouldn't otherwise experience.

Of course, these days, it's impossible to grasp the impact of pornography on relationships without considering the role of the Internet. Years ago, finding new and titillating erotica was a time-consuming chore.In the last couple of decades, though, the range of graphic material available online has exponentially accelerated the appeal and use of porn. Trying to explain the effect of the Internet on porn consumption, sex researcher Al Cooper has written that the driving force is the "Triple-A engine of Access, Affordability, and Anonymity." While it may take alcohol 30 years to ruin an alcoholic's health, only a year's worth of heavy cocaine use can lead to a total mental and physical collapse. Now, for some porn users, the Internet has become a kind of virtual cocaine.

Yet, despite the undeniable harm that porn can do, we therapists need to bear in mind a fundamental fact: the overwhelming majority of people exposed to it don't become addicts. Patrick Carnes's research shows that sexual addiction affects three to five percent of adults, suggesting that porn use isn't about to turn us into a country of addicts glued to their computer screens. Further, assuming that porn inevitably leads to addiction can blind us to understanding its nonpathological appeal to so many people—most of them men who are quite normal in every other way.

It can make it harder for us to accept that, in many relationships, porn use may satisfy needs that have nothing to do with psychological pathology or sexual dysfunction. In fact, noted sex researcher Helen Fisher argues that the brain-inhibiting effects of antidepressants pose a much graver threat to couples' sexuality than porn. She even advises couples to go on the Internet and look at porn as a kind of hormone booster, arguing that porn "drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone."

To be sure, porn use is permeated with a sense of the forbidden that triggers intense emotion, but as therapists, we need to understand it on a case-by-case basis and be careful to separate our own biases from our clients' needs. To begin to see porn in a more normalizing light, it can be helpful to understand the ways in which porn can be incorporated into a relationship without secretiveness or shame.

To continue reading this article click here

Why Does THAT Arouse me?

2009-10-22T13:49:00.001-04:00

Why Does THAT Arouse me?

Come and join us Wednesday, October 28 at 8:30PM EST and learn the hidden meanings behind what turns you on. Fee: $15.00 Click here to register. After registering, you will receive the call-in number by email.

All sexual fantasies are healthy. There are some that should never be acted on because they might be putting the person who has them or someone else at risk. I don’t believe there’s any pathology in our sexual fantasies or desires. Instead, I see them as a positive story about ourselves that’s trying to be told. Learning what the nonsexual meanings of our fantasies are can be very helpful.

For example, you might have a fantasy of being dominated and spanked. There’s nothing wrong with that fantasy and there’s nothing wrong with doing it. But what I would want to help someone do is explore why they have that fantasy. Not in a negative way but in a positive way. What does that mean about you?”

Kort learned the benefit of helping people explore the origins of their fantasies through years of work with men who are addicted to sex and from those who have been sexually abused. By "cracking the erotic code" and learning the narrative of what the sexual desires mean can help you feel better about your sexuality and learn more about yourself.

Come and join us
Wednesday, October 28 at 8:30PM EST and learn the hidden meanings behind what turns you on.

Fee: $15.00 Click here to register. After registering, you will receive the call-in number by email.

Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy: CHANGE IS IMPOSSIBLE!

2009-08-06T12:03:00.006-04:00

The following two articles are concerning people who have a homosexual
orientation but do not identify as gay or lesbian. In other words, an
affirmative identity for them as a gay person would cause a lifetime of
depression rather than coming out of the closet.

Professionally I
really think this is great! I have worked with so many men and women who cannot
consolidate a healthy gay or lesbian identity for so many
reasons--their
faith being one of the main reasons.

I realized years ago that it is not
for me to push them into a gay affirmative identity. It is my job to help remove
homophobia and shame and understand what is best for them. I was doing damage I
realized when I pushed for an acceptance of
their sexual and romantic
orientation when--for them--they could not choose their orientation over their
faith, family, morals and personal values.

I started http://www.straightguise.com/ for
straight folks having sex with same gendered individuals and I am going to make
it for those people who are of homosexual orientation and choose not to live
that way and for them would be leading a life of depression to idenitify as gay.

Still I think the problem is the religious institutions imprinting
homophobia and lack of acceptance of a gay identity and if these children--now
adults--would not have been imprinted with self-hate we would not have this
issue in my opinion!So this is great of the APA to acknowledge these folks.

Most important is that it is being reinforced that sexual orientation
cannot
be changed but how one lives their lives can be. The work below by
evangelical
psychologist, Mark Yarhouse of Regent University is highly
questionable as it is
not scientific but rather from a religious
perspective.
I would say that the people he "claims" are not longer gay but identify as
straight are simply people who were not gay from the start. They are people
who
have has sexual contact with other members of the same sex for many reasons that have nothing to do with homosexuality.

___________________________________________________

Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy
By DAVID CRARY
AP National Writer

The American Psychological Association declared Wednesday that mental health professionals should not tell gay clients they can become straight through therapy or other treatments.

Instead, the APA urged therapists to consider multiple options - that could range from celibacy to switching churches - for helping clients whose sexual orientation and religious faith conflict.

In a resolution adopted on a 125-to-4 vote by the APA's governing council, and in a comprehensive report based on two years of research, the 150,000-member association put itself firmly on record in opposition of so-called "reparative therapy" which seeks to change sexual orientation.

No solid evidence exists that such change is likely, says the report, and some research suggests that efforts to produce change could be harmful, inducing depression and suicidal tendencies.

The APA had criticized reparative therapy in the past, but a six-member task force added weight to this position by examining 83 studies on sexual orientation change conducted since 1960. Its comprehensive report was endorsed by the APA's governing council in Toronto, where the association's annual meeting is being held this weekend.

The report breaks new ground in its detailed and nuanced assessment of how therapists should deal with gay clients struggling to remain loyal to a religious faith that disapproves of homosexuality.

Judith Glassgold, a Highland Park, N.J., psychologist who chaired the task force, said she hoped the document could help calm the polarized debate between religious conservatives who believe in the possibility of changing sexual orientation and the many mental health professionals who reject that option.

"Both sides have to educate themselves better," Glassgold said in an interview. "The religious psychotherapists have to open up their eyes to the potential positive aspects of being gay or lesbian. Secular therapists have to recognize that some people will choose their faith over their sexuality."

In dealing with gay clients from conservative faiths, says the report, therapists should be "very cautious" about suggesting treatments aimed at altering their same-sex attractions.

"Practitioners can assist clients through therapies that do not attempt to change sexual orientation, but rather involve acceptance, support and identity exploration and development without imposing a specific identity outcome," the report says.

"We have to challenge people to be creative," said Glassgold.

She suggested that devout clients could focus on overarching aspects of religion such as hope and forgiveness in order to transcend negative beliefs about homosexuality, and either remain part of their original faith within its limits - for example, by embracing celibacy - or find a faith that welcomes gays.

"There's no evidence to say that change therapies work, but these vulnerable people are tempted to try them, and when they don't work, they feel doubly terrified," Glassgold said. "You should be honest with people and say, 'This is not likely to change your sexual orientation, but we can help explore what options you have.'"

One of the largest organizations promoting the possibility of changing sexual orientation is Exodus International, a network of ministries whose core message is "Freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ."

Its president, Alan Chambers, describes himself as someone who "overcame unwanted same-sex attraction." He and other evangelicals met with APA representatives after the task force formed in 2007, and he expressed satisfaction with parts of the report that emerged.

"It's a positive step - simply respecting someone's faith is a huge leap in the right direction," Chambers said. "But I'd go further. Don't deny the possibility that someone's feelings might change."

An evangelical psychologist, Mark Yarhouse of Regent University, praised the APA report for urging a creative approach to gay clients' religious beliefs but - like Chambers - disagreed with its skepticism about changing sexual orientation.

Yarhouse and a colleague, Professor Stanton Jones of Wheaton College, will be releasing findings at the APA meeting Friday from their six-year study of people who went through Exodus programs. More than half of 61 subjects either converted to heterosexuality or "disidentified" with homosexuality while embracing chastity, their study said.

To Jones and Yarhouse, their findings prove change is possible for some people, and on average the attempt to change will not be harmful.

The APA task force took as a starting point the belief that homosexuality is a normal variant of human sexuality, not a disorder, and that it nonetheless remains stigmatized in ways that can have negative consequences.

The report said the subgroup of gays interested in changing their sexual orientation has evolved over the decades and now is comprised mostly of well-educated white men whose religion is an important part of their lives and who participate in conservative faiths that frown on homosexuality.

"Religious faith and psychology do not have to be seen as being opposed to each other," the report says, endorsing approaches "that integrate concepts from the psychology of religion and the modern psychology of sexual orientation."

Perry Halkitis, a New York University psychologist who chairs the APA committee dealing with gay and lesbian issues, praised the report for its balance.

"Anyone who makes decisions based on good science will be satisfied," he said. "As a clinician, you have to deal with the whole person, and for some people, faith is a very important aspect of who they are."

The report also addressed the issue of whether adolescents should be subjected to therapy aimed at altering their sexual orientation. Any such approach should "maximize self-determination" and be undertaken only with the youth's consent, the report said.

Wayne Besen, a gay-rights activist who has sought to discredit the so-called "ex-gay" movement, welcomed the APA findings.

"Ex-gay therapy is a profound travesty that has led to pointless tragedies, and we are pleased that the APA has addressed this psychological scourge," Besen said.

********************************

August 6, 2009

Psychologists: Don't try to reorient gays
Nicole C. Brambila
The Desert Sun

Conversion therapy for gay clients can be harmful and is scientifically unfounded, The American Psychological Association declared in a report released Wednesday.

The APA instead is encouraging therapists to consider other coping strategies such as celibacy or switching to gay-accepting churches to help clients conflicted over their sexual orientation because of their faith.

“What we found is people altering a sexual orientation identity, but not altering their sexual orientation,” said Judith Glassgold, Ph.D., chair of the American Psychological Association Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation.

“Right now, we're all in the dark about what causes heterosexuality and what causes homosexuality. It's still not understood.”
The adopted resolution reflects a systematic review of conversion or reparative therapies began more than two years ago, as reported Wednesday on mydesert.com.

The report looked at more than 80 studies conducted from 1960 to 2007 and concluded no solid scientific evidence exists for purporting that individuals can change their sexual orientation, and that reorientation efforts could induce depression and suicide.

“Compelling evidence of decreased same-sex sexual behavior and of engagement in sexual behavior with the other sex was rare,” the 138-page report stated.

“Few studies provided strong evidence that any changes produced in laboratory conditions translated to daily life. Thus, the results of scientifically valid research indicate that it is unlikely that individuals will be able to reduce same-sex attractions or increase other-sex sexual attractions through (sexual orientation change efforts).”
Conversion supporters said the report was disappointing.

“I don't think that this affirms anyone's religious beliefs,” said Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International. “My hope was that they would reaffirm a person's right to self-determination.”

Formed in 1976, the Orlando-based nonprofit is a worldwide network of more than 350 ministries that promote “freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ.”
Locally, psychologists praised the report, saying it was long overdue.

“It'll probably serve as a major brick in all the data that is more clearly delineating the reality that sexual orientation therapies do not work,” said Nick Warner, Ph.D., who as a clinical psychologist in Palm Springs has been counseling for 35 years.

Reparative or conversion therapy emerged in the 1970s and since then thousands have attempted to change their sexual orientation.

Elizabeth Moberly, a British theologian, proposed the root cause of homosexuality was the result of a detached and/or broken relationship with the same-sex parent.

A 2001 study by Robert Spitzer widely disputed by mental health professionals found 11 percent of males and 37 percent of females successfully reoriented, although the scientific community largely disputes those findings. The study is widely disputed by mental health professionals.

Homosexuality was once considered a mental disorder, but was removed from the diagnostic manual as such by the American Psychiatric Association in 1973.

Now all major American mental health associations affirm homosexuality is not a mental illness.

Conversion therapy success claims have long been disputed without a systematic review, making the APA's report Wednesday unique.

“People whose religious beliefs support conversion therapy, they're not really working from a scientific framework,” said Jack Drescher, M.D. renown for his work on sexual orientation and task force member.

“The American Psychological Association is a scientific organization. They can't tell people what to believe, they can only say what the science says.”

Can you be gay for pay?

2009-08-03T23:26:00.003-04:00

Can you be gay for pay?

Read and watch this blog posting at Huffington Post by Mike Alvear, Host of HBO's The Sex Inspectors and author of Men Are Pigs But We Love Bacon.

http://www.mikealvear.com/2009/01/26/tyra-can-you-be-straight-and-do-gay-porn/comment-page-1/#comment-1230

What are your thoughts about this?

Is “Heteroflexible” the New Gay?

2009-07-25T04:00:00.003-04:00

Is “Heteroflexible” the New Gay?
by Brent HartingerJuly 21, 2009

This is a great article by Brent Hartinger in AfterElton.com and illustrates the increasing awareness that straight men can have sexual relations with another male and still be straight!

Hartinger talks about a few entertainment projects in which straight men have sex with other men.

But it might also actually mean something – namely that America is finally
growing up somewhat when it comes to the topic of guy-guy sexual behavior, and
might even be taking a major step forward on the general understanding of the
fluid nature of human sexuality.

STRONGHOLD: In the Grip of Wrestling

2009-07-24T13:37:00.003-04:00

STRONGHOLD: In the Grip of Wrestling

This documentary examines the growing number of men who wrestle as adults, and the social stigmas they encounter.

It talks frankly about wrestling homoeroticism and homophobia, historically
through today, and the many reasons why wrestling has become such an
underappreciated sport in America.

All styles of wrestling are included: amateur wrestling, pro wrestling, and submission grappling.The documentary pulls no punches when talking about sensitive subjects.

Several men discuss how they have been sexually attracted to wrestling since they were kids, and how the age-old fear of getting an erection in a singlet prevented them from wrestling as teens.

They talk about sneaking peeks at library wrestling books and wrestling magazines, watching it on TV and being mesmerized by the guys in tight trunks, or getting aroused while wrestling their friends.

Many grew up with shame for these feelings, and now think that they have to hide their wrestling as adults. Through the Internet and nationwide wrestling events for adult men, thousands of guys are discovering they are not alone.

Award-winning filmmaker, Victor Rook, wanted to make sure that the documentary was all-inclusive, so wrestlers both gay and straight-identified, single and married, were interviewed.

The documentary takes you back stage at a pro indy show, inside amateur wrestling tournaments, a jiu-jitsu school, and several wrestling events specifically geared for adult men.

He even pulls people out of bars and truck stops to wrestle in a portion of the film noted as "The Great Wrestling Road Trip."Watch the entire documentary online or buy the 2-Disc DVD set at http://www.wrestlingfilm.com/

Contact Victor at victorweb@aol.com.

Pornography Use

2009-07-24T13:32:00.006-04:00

I just listened to an excellent talk radio show with a friend and colleague of mine Tammy Nelson who authored, Getting The Sex You Want. The relevance for this blog is that so many of the straight men contact me about their concerns regarding whether they are gay or bisexual given that they watch gay porn. This is beneficial to listen to in my opinion.

I find this radio discussion about pornography and fantasy is very balanced including sexual addiction and compulsivity, statistics, normal use of both pornography and fantasy along with the problems it is causing for younger males who are starting to view porn online at the age of 11!

And the porn they watch is very different than the Playboy and even Penthouse magazines male teens found under their father's beds and dresser drawers. This earlier exposure to pornography reinforces that for those who view pornography early one it can shape their views of what men and women do sexually.

I agree with that 100%. I just don't necessarily believe that for every adult they are at risk. The numbers and statistics of those addressed in this radio show sound like what I have always heard and read.

Click here to listen to the show

Love to hear what others think about this.

Are you Heteroflexible? Calvin Klein makes room for you.

2009-06-17T23:53:00.007-04:00

Today an ad was placed on a billboard in Manhattan, NY.

When I saw this ad I immediately thought about the homoeroticism that existed in the picture. What struck me the most was the "heteroflexibility" of the men. I appreciate Calvin Klein's illustration that men can have sexual feelings toward other men and still be interested in women.

These men are called, "Bisexual", "Bi-Attractional" and the new word is "Heteroflexible".

The Urban Dictionary defines Heteroflexible as:

A primarily heterosexual person who's not opposed to occasional same-sex trysts
when circumstances permit.

The Urban Dictionary also describes "Heteroflexible" as:

A person who enjoys sex with both male & females but considers themselves
heterosexual in the sense that they do not relate with the same sex for an
emotional relationship like a bi-sexual could. Heteroflexible is a heterosexual
person that is beyond the bi-curious stage but would never engage in an
emotional relationship with the same sex.

Many people are protesting and criticizing the picture because of the eroticism depicted in the picture.

I heard one person today say it reminded them of a Cuddle Party. A cuddle party is:

......an event for adults to get together and explore affectionate touch and
communication without it becoming sexualized. At these events, we create the
safe space to talk about and explore what our needs are as adults when it comes
to affection, intimacy and welcomed touch. In other words, CUDDLING!

Straight people forming gay relationships and gay sexual contacts

2009-04-18T12:23:00.005-04:00

I am noticing more and more that the concept of straight women involved sexually and romantically is gaining popularity. Oprah's March issue of "O" had an article on Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women.

Oprah also did a show on this topic.

The NYT on January 22, 2009 did an article called, What Do Woman Want, By DANIEL BERGNER.

I am currently working on research to validate my findings as well as treatment of straight males who are engaging in sexual behaviors with other males.

Perhaps this is a taboo topic STILL! and it is easier to understand that women are doing this so it is receiving more public exposure.

I am going to make sure that this topic of SMSM's stays in the public eye through this blog. All over Craigslist.com you can find these straight men looking for other men so it does exist and cannot be denied.

What are your thoughts as to why there is so much exposure for straight women involved with other women (SWSW) but not the same is being exposed about straight males involved with other males?

New Audio for men who have sex with men

2009-04-06T03:04:00.002-04:00

I have added 2 ***NEW*** products to my www.joekortclasses.com website.

1. First is a teleclass I did for therapists working with heterosexual couples where the male partner is having sex or sexual fantasies with other men. I make the distinction between whether the men are gay, bisexual or straight and how the couple can talk about and understand what this means for the relationship.

Click here to listen to a preview of this audio on straight men who have sex with men in relationship with women and also if you wish to purchase it.

2. Second is a teleclass I did for therapist working with heterosexual couples where the male partner is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I talk about how it manifests within the relationship and the signs and symptoms behaviorally in the male partner as well as treatment recommendations.

Click here to listen to a preview of this audio on male sexual abuse in relationships and also if you wish to purchase it.

Joe Kort talks about Straight Guise on Oprah and Friends Radio

2009-03-06T09:13:00.009-05:00

I was interviewed on Oprah and Friends Radio by Dr. Laura Berman on "Better in Bed". The topic was straight men who have sex with men who are not gay or bisexual.

If you would to hear the interview go to Oprah.com and click on Radio and then click on
Dr. Laura Berman. There you click on archives and the show is listed under:

Sexuality and Single Moms on 3/5/09.

As always I like to hear your comments so please feel free to comment as I take each entry very seriously and into account.

I know there have been some readers worried that I am helping deeply closeted men remain in the closet by doing this work because those men fool themselves into thinking they are straight when, in reality, they are gay.

If you read through this blog and the website I talk about the differences between a man who is gay and bisexual and a man who is straight.

Straight Guise is not intended to be for the closeted gay or bisexual man.

The Truth about Ted Haggard

2009-02-09T13:11:00.004-05:00

You might remember Ted Haggard, a former evangelical preacher who last year was outed as having homosexual sex with a male prostitute. He entered treatment and was discharged saying he was “completely heterosexual”. News about his has resurfaced as his new documentary is currently airing repeatedly on HBO – "The trials of Ted Haggard."

In his interviews, he states that he believes his sexuality is “complicated” and that he wants to stay married to his wife and does not see himself as gay. He admits to having same-sex attractions but believes he is heterosexual.

Nobody knows the truth about Haggard but Haggard himself!

I don’t know Haggard personally, but I can see how his sexuality might be complicated and that he might not be gay at all. I have treated hundreds of men like Haggard who are not gay and engage in same sex behaviors.

People have a hard time with men who have sex with men and are still
heterosexual.

Why?

Here are just a few reasons people have difficulty with Ted Haggard which I totally understand:

1. Politically

Using the false belief that gays can change stops people from being willing to grant rights and freedoms to gays and lesbians. Lesbians and gays have fought hard to teach that one’s sexual orientation and behaviors cannot be changed.

Politically laws against GLBT use the concept of “you’re making a choice” to block obtaining freedoms like getting legally married, keeping a job and not being a risk of being fired just because you’re gay as well as keeping your house and not being kicked out simply for being gay—all of which can happen still in 2009 in most places around the country.

My problem with all of this media attention around Haggard is the absence of scholarly lesbians and gays and spokesmen who are not given time to talk about these issues. If this were an African-American issue, the media would bring on Black scholars and writers to address the political consequences of what is happening around Haggard's story.

2. The Bible.

Haggard has a history of as a preacher, for condemning gays and urging them to change.

Haggard still feels the Bible is not okay with homosexuality as he said on Larry King live.

But Haggard and others who interpret the Bible about homosexuality are wrong.

Scholar Rabbi Chaim Rapoport wrote a book called, Judaism and Homosexuality: An Authentic Orthodox View. In this book it is written that, “the Torah forbids homosexual activity as such: that much is clear from the testimony of both biblical and post-biblical literature. It does not condemn a homosexual disposition, because the Torah does not speak about what we are, but about what we do”.

Rabbi Rapoport position is clear in his book that the bible only talks of homosexual behavior, not of a gay identity or homosexual disposition. It never addresses those men and women who are oriented solely to a same sex attraction. He argues that while the Bible is against performing homosexual acts it never takes into account that one could be gay and lesbian and therefore expressing their true nature. Given this the Bible, from a contemporary point of view, does not address lesbians and gays.

While Rabbi Rapoport writes that the Torah forbids homosexual activity, he goes onto say that “there does not seem to be, however, any reference in Torah literature to the phenomenon of a ‘homosexual orientation’….”

Given this one cannot use the bible against homosexuality if there was not any room for it to be an identity which, today, we know it is.

For Haggard and men like him, it may not be his identity and so for him, his interpretation of the Bible might be useful. It is not useful for those who are GLBT's.

3. Bisexuality

Why can’t Bisexuality be what is happening for Haggard? Some men like Haggard choose to self-identify as Bisexual because they are sexually attracted to both men and women. Bisexuals will tell you that they are often emotionally more attracted to one gender over another. For others they are equally attracted sexually and romantically to both.

This is a self-identifying term and if he chooses not to lable himself in this way than he has that right. However, as a media figure he has the obligation to ensure that he is not speaking for bisexuals as well as lesbians and gays.

4. Gay Identity

For lesbians and gays, staying closeted was fraught with lying to themselves that they were essentially straight, with simply a “kinky” side or that their sexual interests were just that—sexual—and not about their identity. They now have great remorse over the lost years when they could have lived as openly gay men. The trauma of staying closeted was so painful that it strikes a nerve to learn that it’s possible to go through all that and still be straight.

I understand their strong reactions: The trauma of suppressing their identity is so profound that watching someone like Haggard remind them of their horrors they experienced while being closeted and of all the deprogramming it took them to understand they were truly gay.

We must make room for men and women like Haggard. Whether he is hiding, lying or telling the truth, there needs to be a place for men like him

What there is no place for is his anti-gay rhetoric that lesbians and gays can change, that the bible is against homosexuality and teaching young gays and lesbians that same-sex attractions are bad and wrong. They might be for the Haggard’s of the world, but to those who are truly gay and lesbian they are not!

Haggard's story need not be about attacking him, attacking GLBT's or using this as reasons to hate, discriminate and judge. That is what the Nazi's were all about wasn't it?

This needs to be about understanding and being curious about how complicated sexual behavior and identity can be!

There are many other reasons straight men have sex with men and are not gay which I write about at www.straightguise.com.

Safe Sex

2009-01-22T11:28:00.002-05:00

I have not blogged here for a while. I have been busy with some other projects.

I was recently exposed to this commercial for condoms which is both humorous and educational. Men who have sex with men need to be wearing condoms at all times when you do not know each other or have concerned that one of you is not trustworthy in terms of playing safe. It is always safer to wear a condom!!

Studies show that straight men who have sex with men are least likely to wear a condom and use protection because to do so means they would have to anticipate and plan their sexual encounters with another man which would indicate to them they might be gay. If they do it "on the downlow" and it is spontaneous they can then compartmentalize it as if it is not part of their lives.

This is not rational. You should always wear a condom especially when have anal sex as the receptive role in a sexual act (i.e. the partner who is penetrated) . Studies show you are less likely to get HIV from oral sex and being the penetrative role in an anal sexual act.

Sexual Abuse linked to High Risk Sexual Behavior in new study

2008-12-16T08:18:00.002-05:00

This article from EdgeBoston.com reviews a study linking sexual abuse to high risk sexual behavior. This is my point repeatedly on Straight Guise which I link heterosexual men to childhood sexual abuse for their engaging in sexual activity with other men.

This paragraph is very important from the study as it relates to Straight Guise

The result is you are not in good shape to be making healthy
decisions."Sexual abuse trauma has other diverse and negative effects on the
interpersonal skills needed to negotiate safe sex. Men with sexual trauma
histories are also more likely to get raped in adulthood or find themselves in
abusive and violent romantic relationships.
__________________________________________________

Men who engage in risky sexual behavior with other men report much higher rates than average of experiencing severe childhood sexual abuse, according to a new study in the November issue of the International Journal of Child Abuse & Neglect.

According to the study, about 20 percent of men who have sex with men are sexually abused as children, a rate similar to that found among heterosexual women. The difference is that 80 percent of gay and bisexual men, compared to 20 percent of heterosexual women, who are sexually abused report experiencing "severe" abuse, often involving violence.

Both men and women who are abused as children tend to engage in what researchers define as "high-risk" behavior as adults, which includes unprotected sexual encounters.This research is based on a 2002 survey of approximately 1,000 gay and bisexual men in San Francisco and extends earlier work conducted in 1996 which surveyed several thousand gay and bisexual men in San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York and Chicago.

The results of the two surveys confirm that approximately 20 percent of gay and bisexual men have a history of childhood sexual abuse. In the more recent study, researchers point to the high prevalence of sex abuse being a major contributing factor to psychosocial conditions that have sustained the HIV epidemic over several decades. In 2002, the HIV rate for men who have sex with men in general was about 26 percent. However, that HIV rate jumped to 34 percent for men who report a history of childhood sexual abuse.

"Thirty-five percent is the HIV rate you find in Sub-Saharan Africa," said Joseph Catania, a professor of public health in the College of Health and Human Sciences at Oregon State University and lead author on the study. Catania has worked in public health for more than 25 years on issues related to infectious diseases and sexual health. "This is a chilling number that shows we must deal with the sexual abuse issue.

"The effects of childhood sexual abuse are pervasive for both men and women. Studies show that abuse victims have more school-related problems as teens, a variety of sexual health problems including teenage pregnancies among girls and high rates of sexually transmitted diseases. People who experience severe trauma may have life-long challenges in relationships, work and health. That sexual abuse increases risk for HIV infection is not surprising, but what has not been well understood is how it contributes to this and other types of health problems. Having a better understanding of how this happens will guide efforts at prevention and treatment.In the recent study, investigators found a subset of men who have been sexually abused that tend to "mentally check-out" during sex, Catania said.

"They experience a severe form of coping that involves disassociating from the present, a form of mentally retreating to a safe place until something awful passes. This happens to people who have experienced other types of trauma as well. From a disease prevention perspective it may be quite debilitating," he said."In addition, we found some of the men with abuse histories use drugs or alcohol excessively when they have sex. The drug and alcohol use is also a means of coping with emotional issues around sexual trauma, but it may also be another means of mentally escaping from the present when it involves sex.

The result is you are not in good shape to be making healthy
decisions."Sexual abuse trauma has other diverse and negative effects on the
interpersonal skills needed to negotiate safe sex. Men with sexual trauma
histories are also more likely to get raped in adulthood or find themselves in
abusive and violent romantic relationships.

In 2002, the HIV rate for men who have sex with men in general was about 26 percent.Catania said the reason both gay and bisexual men and heterosexual women tend to have similar rates of experiencing childhood sexual abuse is that perpetrators are often male authority figures or men who have access to children and are in a position to take advantage of a childhood infatuation or crush.

"During the early stages of sexual development, gay and bisexual youth, just like heterosexual youth, will form emotional attachments in the form of crushes or infatuations on adult authority figures.

The difference is that gay and bisexual youth form these attachments with same gender adults," Catania said. "And adult males are much more likely, by a large margin, to be perpetrators of sexual abuse than are adult women."Based on their findings, the researchers came to three conclusions.

First, the complex challenges faced by men with severe childhood sexual abuse experiences may limit the effectiveness of typical short-term HIV risk reduction programs; more intensive treatment maybe needed.

Secondly, Catania said clinical psychologists and psychiatrists with patients who have sexual abuse histories should routinely consider issues of sexual health; patterns and types of sexual partners may be useful markers for identifying more problematic cases.

Finally, Catania said public service messages directed at removing the stigma of childhood sexual abuse may increase use of health and mental health services."When it comes to HIV and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), current intervention strategies focus on intervening early on before men become infected, which is a significant challenge, or intervening after they have become infected to prevent further spread of the disease to other sex partners," Catania said.

According to Catania, these interventions tend to be brief and very focused. He said this type of intervention does not serve men with histories of sexual abuse since their problems are more pervasive and complex. "There is a lot of social stigma around sexual abuse, particularly for men," he said. "An important next step then is to reduce the stigmatization of men who are confronting these issues and provide them with the help they need."

Researchers from the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies at University of California San Francisco contributed to this study.

A copy of the study can be found at:
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6V7N-4TVY5FX-2&_user=576687&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000029364&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=576687&md5=22f368250ee9c0e2f6783563d0fc9356

About the OSU College of Health and Human Sciences:

Emphasizing a holistic approach to optimal health and disease prevention, researchers focus on nutrition, physical activity, the psychology of aging and improving the health of children and older adults, public policy, access to health care, and maximizing environmentally friendly materials and structures.

Sexual Disorientation: Am I Gay, Bisexual, Straight or Somewhere in Between?

2008-11-13T23:41:00.005-05:00

So many men who read Straight Guise tell me that my discussions of straight men who have sex with men ( SMSMs) confuses them because before coming out, gay and bisexual men are often in denial and convince themselves that they are 100% straight.

I even receive e-mails, some of them hostile, from gay men who accuse me of keeping gay and bisexual men closeted by citing the ways in which men might still be straight and have sex with men.

They often write, in effect, “If I had read Straight Guise during the years I was in denial and lying to myself, I’d have felt comfort in thinking I was straight and gone on leading an inauthentic heterosexual life.”

For them, staying closeted was fraught with lying to themselves that they were essentially straight, with simply a “kinky” side or that their sexual interests were just that—sexual—and not about their identity. They now have great remorse over the lost years when they could have lived as openly gay men. The trauma of staying closeted was so painful that it strikes a nerve to learn that it’s possible to go through all that and still be straight.

I understand their strong reactions: The trauma of suppressing their identity is so profound that reading Straight Guise can prompt symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, reminding them of their horrible experiences of being closeted and of all the deprogramming it took them to understand they were truly gay.

To me, that all makes perfect sense: I, too, had to go through the very same coming out and deprogramming process as a gay man during my coming out years!

No doubt, the experiences I address in Straight Guise parallel the experiences that every gay man—and some bisexual men--can relate to. Secrecy, shame, hiding, lying, self-hate and self-blame are the very things straight men who have sex with men present in the therapy room.

Differences Between Gay, Bisexual and Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men

There are major differences between SMSMs and gay and bisexual men. Straight men who admit and come out as having sex with other men are usually not anti-gay or homophobic. They do not tell their therapists or people they trust, “I hate fags!” In fact, they usually have gay friends, support and affirm lesbians and gays they know and the gay civil rights movement in general.. They’ve often have read books on coming-out process to see if they are going through that process themselves and to understand what it is to live as a gay man.

Whatever shame and self-hatred these SMSMs are coping with does not arise from homophobia, but from their acting on impulses that are incongruent with their heterosexual orientation.

In other words, they are experiencing something like an addiction, a mood disorder, a chemical disorder or some other compulsion that causes them to go against their own will, repeatedly, and is interfering with their life. They cannot accept it, not out of denial regarding their true identity, but because it is not their true nature the way it would be if one were truly gay or bisexual.

True, some SMSMs are anti-gay and homophobic, straining their masculine muscles to ward off any trait that may appear gay or effeminate. This, too, parallels the dynamic gay men display who resist their homosexual identity and so “protest too much” to attempt to disown that there is anything gay about them. But these are not the SMSM’s who seek treatment and who I write about on the Straight Guise website and blog.

Another difference is that gay and bisexual men recall having sexual interests and crushes on other males during their childhoods, teen years and even in college. Heterosexual men who have sex with men do not have these type of memories. They might have memories of having sexual experiences with other males—some of which are a result of sexual abuse—but it is not erotic for them as is their recall of interest in females once they hit puberty. For them they have always been sexually and romantically interested and aroused by women. Their sexual behavior with other men is episodic, situational, spontaneous and momentary. For gay and bisexual men, the sexual desire is enduring and is connected to a romantic, affectional and psychological desire to connect with another man.

How do I know if I’m one of the SMSMs,
or if I’m truly gay or bisexual and in the closet?

I can’t know for sure what is true or right for you. Only you will discover that as you read and experience things related to sexuality. But I can tell you some things that I’ve learned from my 24 years of treating men and their sexuality issues:

1. Gay men enter the coming out process and recognize their identity not
when they have sex with other men but when they fall in love with other men. Men
can rationalize that their sexual behavior is a bit “kinky” or different but
when he begins to feel romantic desire for another male—in addition to sexual
desire--he then has to consider it is more than just about sex.

2. For
closeted gay men their depression and anxiety arise from being out of integrity
within themselves and from living an inauthentic life related to their identity.
This “out of integrity” dynamic is also true of SMSMs—their behavior goes
against their true orientation—but it is not related to their identity. SMSMs do
not feel compelled to--nor desire to--have a romantic relationship with another
male.

3. No matter how much they read about or investigate the gay
culture, it never feels like a true fit for them. SMSM’s feel a desire only for
the sexual acts with other men. Typically, gay and bisexual men will say they
enjoyed the other guy and whatever they did with him, while the SMSMs enjoy the
sex alone. The other man is irrelevant.

Of course, gay and bisexual men
also have encounters that are only about sex, where the other man is
irrelevant—an insignificant other. It’s also common for heterosexual
men to have sex with women just “to get their rocks off.” The woman is
irrelevant.

But for these gay, bisexual and straight men, that is not always true or
the norm. They will have periods of genuine romantic interest in the person they
hook up with. However, SMSMs never feel any interest in the other male as a
person--only for the sexual act between them. The encounter is strictly sexual, often involving a heightened sexualization of
a certain act, fetish, sexual scene or part of the body.

4. If a man
having sex with other men is authentically gay, his identity will eventually
surface, whether or not he wants it to. When a gay or bisexual man calls me for
therapy and wants to stay closeted and remove any shame or guilt they have about
their homosexuality, I always warn him that the more he talks about his
homosexuality, the harder it will be to keep himself closeted. Ultimately, his coming out process will get activated. He will want to come out and
won’t be able to hold back his identity.

It is reductionistic to assume that having sex with the same gender, in and of itself, makes someone gay or bisexual. That seems to be the worst form of homophobia, contributing to the myth—seized on by reparative therapists and others heterosexists—who define homosexuality as merely sexual behavior.

Being gay or bisexual entails much more than just sex. If a gay or bisexual man never engaged in sexual behavior for the rest of his life, he would still be gay, because that is his identity, not a description of how he behaves.

On Being Jewish and SSA (Same Sex Attracted)

2008-10-05T11:45:00.004-04:00

There is an article in AISH.com which is a website on Judaism and Spirituality. I have been reading their material for years and much of it is very good.

There is an article called, The Straight Path Home: My personal struggles with homosexuality. The essence of it is that the writer, "David" does not feel that homosexuality is right for him nor does he see himself as a gay man. He writes:

I didn't have to "change" anything. The definition of teshuva is returning
to one's true self, one's soul. The sexual attraction I felt to other men was
not my true nature; it was an attempt driven by my yetzer hara, my baser self,
to satisfy unmet needs, a symptom of missed developmental opportunities and
distorted perceptions

Most of it is good in terms of his struggle with SSA and his Judaism. I write on this very blog about how men exist who act out homosexually and are not gay. The problem with "David's" article is that he believe that all those who struggle with SSA's are not right and cannot lead healthy lives as gay men. This is not true as I have seen differently in my own life and amongst my clients who ultimately come out as gay.

However, there are definitely many men who struggle with SSA's and never come out--nor should they--because either they are not gay and the SSA's are a result of other problems or they are innately homosexual but living a gay affirmative life would be fraught with problems.

The place the author is misguided--and anti-gay--is when he paints a broad brush about all men who struggled with SSA is here:

I grew up in what psychologists call a "triadic family" -- it is so
common in the backgrounds of men who struggle with homosexuality that it has a
name. A distant or belittling father, an emotionally smothering or needy mother,
and in the center a boy with nobody to guide him on the path to manhood. A boy
for whom manhood has become dangerous, threatening, distant. A boy who grows up feeling different from other boys and men, yet yearns to connect with them, with
his own masculinity.

As a therapist I see many men coming from this type of background that are not gay at all--nor are they struggling with sexual issues of any kind.

This believe that this family dynamic is "so common in the backgrounds of men who struggle with homosexuality" is old-school thinking from the 1960's and false. In addition it doesn't address lesbianism at all.

I have treated straight men and women with family dynamics exactly like this and, again, their suffering does not include anything related to homosexuality. It is like the old theory that Schizophrenic children were the product of "refrigerator" cold mothers. That is, until we discovered that Schizophrenia is genetic and the mothers were detached from these babies because the babies could not attach to her. Psychiatry and Psychology had to reexamine that false dynamic created around this.

Then the author addresses JONAH, which he feels helped him. However here is what JONAH is really about:

JONAH

Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH) is a Jersey
City-based Jewish “ex-gay” ministry. The organization adheres to NARTH’s archaic
reparative therapy model and promotes the work of the International Healing
Foundation’s Richard Cohen, a discredited fundamentalist Christian therapist and
former Moonie who was expelled for life from the American Counseling Association
in 2002.

JONAH perpetuates the unwise idea that gay people should marry,
even if they are not attracted to their opposite-sex spouse. According to an
article by Rabbi Joel Beasley posted prominently on JONAH’s site: “But even if
their innermost desires remained unfulfilled, it does not matter. It may never
become clear why some people do not feel predisposed to marrying someone of the
opposite sex. The obligation remains.

Marriage is meant to teach people
how to rise above their own selfish needs in order to give to a partner who is
both psychologically and physiologically different.” This idea of marriage at
all costs is cruel and unfair to the gay individual struggling to accept his or
her sexual orientation. But, it is just as harmful for the spouse, who will
likely find an unsatisfying marriage that may end in heartbreak and divorce.

JONAH is so wedded to its interpretation of doctrine that it seems to
have little regard for the feelings and legitimate needs of people – including
children - who would suffer inside such catastrophic marriages. In the same
article by Rabbi Beasley, crass stereotypes are used to oppose same-sex unions
and promote heterosexual marriage: “Same-gender marriages might have been too
easy. As one essayist put it, male couples would have been able to sit around
and watch ballgames all day; female couples would have been able to sit down and
really talk about one another's feelings. But marriage is meant to challenge
each of the partners.”Perhaps, the biggest concern that most Jews have about
JONAH is that it appears to be a front for converting Jews to Christianity.

While there are a few obligatory Jewish resources on the organization’s
website, the majority of the books recommended to readers are written by born
again Christian authors. Works offered on the site by Richard Cohen, Joe Dallas,
Jeff Konrad, Alan Medinger and John Paulk are deeply sectarian and consider
believing in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior a crucial component in “overcoming”
homosexuality.

JONAH even pushes a book co-written by Wheaton College’s Stanton Jones and
Pat Robertson University’s Mark Yarhouse entitled, “Homosexuality: The Use of
Scientific Research in the Church's Moral Debate.” For Jews who attend
Synagogue, not church, this reading list may seem a bit peculiar, if not
downright offensive. It is debatable whether JONAH’s real mission is to create
ex-gays or ex-Jews. Like other ex-gay organizations, JONAH keeps no statistics
and offers the promise of change without any documentation of success.

The group relies on anecdotal stories and promotes a therapeutic
approach that is not supported by any mainstream medical or mental health
organization.

So I hope that those who read Straight Guise can understand that while there is help available you must ensure that you are receiving the correct help that does not include hateful information and ways of an organization the ways in which JONAH, NARTH and any other reparatative therapy organization does.

There is nothing wrong with someone who has unwanted interests and behaviors toward sexual experiences with other men. There is something very wrong with those who say that man has to be gay or could never be gay. There are many things between this and the man needs to have the right to search this out himself.

A great book on homosexuality and Judaism on this topic is:

The author states that there is nothing in the Torah which states that homosexuality is wrong and bad. It does state, however, that if it is not your "true" nature and identity than, perhaps this behavior should be stopped. Back when the Torah was written people did not understand that homosexuality could be an identity the way we understand today.

No Sympathy for the Sex Addict: New York Times Article

2008-09-08T16:22:00.002-04:00

WHAT SELLS A scene from “Choke,” about a sex addict.

By ALLEN SALKIN
Published: September 6, 2008

THE distributors of “Choke,” a forthcoming film about a sex addict’s struggle to overcome his demons, have been handing out a strange promotional gift at preview screenings. Attached to a bookmark, the gift is a set of beads typically used as a sexual toy.
“Not for small children,” the bookmark warns.

In “Blades of Glory,” last year’s ice-skating comedy, Will Ferrell’s character attends a Sex Addicts meeting where the 12-step serenity prayer has been rewritten: “God, grant me the serenity to not have sex with my friend’s girlfriend, the courage to go home tonight without having sex with my friend’s girlfriend, and the wisdom to walk away from my friend’s smokin’ hot girlfriend.” Many of the meeting participants, unhealed, wind up coupling in the bushes outside.

Move over, tubby; take a break, old maid, there’s a new straw man available for theatrical ridicule: the sex addict. Even as Hollywood has learned, slowly, not to mock the handicapped or brand all Middle Easterners as terrorists, and has turned a more sensitive eye toward alcoholics and drug addicts, it has shown little tact in portraying people diagnosed with sex addiction.

Which is why experts in the field took heart from the announcement last month by the actor David Duchovny, who plays a sex-obsessed writer on the television drama “Californication,” that he was seeking treatment in real life for the disorder. “I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” Mr. Duchovny said in a statement released by his lawyer. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Robert Weiss, the director of sexual integrity services for the CRC Health Group, a nationwide behavioral health provider, said it can be difficult to find sex addicts willing to tell their stories, change the clichéd images of the condition and explain that there are effective treatments.
“It’s exciting to see someone for the first time come out and say ‘I am a sex addict and I am going into treatment,’ ” he said

Many of those who might have put a sympathetic face on the condition — choose any person whose sexual behaviors seemed to defy all reason and, once exposed, cost him or her a career — have not stepped up to do so.

Nevertheless, there have been a few sex addicts willing to discuss their battles. The author Susan Cheever has a book coming out in October called “Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction” in which she discusses her struggle with obsessive relationships. The comedian Russell Brand, the host of the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday, admits in his memoir, “My Booky Wook,” that he is a sex addict who received treatment at the Keystone Center in Chester, Pa.

“One day,” he writes, “I had to write a victims’ list — a litany of the women I’d wronged as a result of my sexual addiction. I felt like Saddam Hussein trying to pick out individual Kurds.”
Sex addiction is defined as “any sexually related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones and one’s work environment,” said Patrick Carnes, the author of the pioneering 1983 book “Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction” and creator of the Web site sexhelp.com. Addicts often vow to stop behaviors such as hours-long sessions with Internet pornography, infidelity or criminal sexual activity, and cannot.

Comments on the Web about Mr. Duchovny seeking treatment show that not everyone is willing to accept that compulsive sexual behavior can be an addiction.

“How do they cure someone’s craving for sex?” asked a commenter on the gossip Web site justjared.com. “Lol this is funny,” wrote another. “I love it!”

A few mental health professionals still argue that sex addiction is not a real disease. “You cannot be addicted to yourself,” said Roger Libby, a relationship therapist in Seattle. “You have to have a substance external to yourself like alcohol or drugs to be addicted.”

Sex addiction is not listed as a disorder in the current edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the bible of psychiatric disorders, but it is being considered by a work group on non-substance-related addictions for inclusion in the next edition, the DSM-V due in 2012, said Dr. David Kupfer, chairman of the DSM-V task force with the American Psychiatric Association.

Treatment for the affliction aims not to remove sexual desire but to reconcile a person’s sexual behavior with the positive values the person already holds, Mr. Weiss said. Since as much of the brain’s pleasure-causing chemical dopamine is released during orgasm as during the consumption of alcohol, Dr. Carnes said, it is also possible to view sex addiction as a chemical addiction.

Throughout the country, there are sexual recovery 12-step meetings where the real serenity prayer is read and those who believe their behaviors have become unmanageable share experiences.

One participant, who asked for anonymity in accordance with the program’s traditions, said he was offended by the sex toy promotion at ”Choke.”

“It’s like if they made a movie about alcoholism and they were handing out shot glasses or a movie about diabetes and they were handing out sugar cookies,” said the man, who is in his 40s and works in publishing.

What made him seek help was a pattern of “rapidly diving into one romantic entanglement after another, sometimes more than one at a time, without getting to know a person,” he said.

Michelle Hooper, the senior vice president for publicity and promotions of Fox Searchlight, the distributor of “Choke,” defended the sex toy handout as “provocative and funny, like the film.” The movie does occasionally nod to the seriousness of sex addiction, especially in a scene at a 12-step meeting where a man, who has been jailed and had his teeth knocked out for stalking, testifies that the program helped him stop and save his life.

The fact that pop culture is making jokes about sex addicts is a sign that awareness of the condition is percolating in mass consciousness, Dr. Carnes said. Some films are taking it seriously, such as “Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict,” which was shown in April on the USA network.
Not that everyone is ready for a sober look at sex addiction.

“A commenter on the Web site imdb.com who was dissatisfied with “Love Sick” griped “I expected there to be more sex scenes in a movie about sex.”

Ideas for Teleseminars

2008-09-06T00:32:00.001-04:00

I am planning a series of online teleseminars which will be podcasts and able to be downloaded in mp3 formats.

I need suggestions from those of you who read this blog in terms of what you would like me to address. Please list things you would find helpful for me to include and I will try to do so in a podcast.

You can put your ideas under the comments section of this blog or email to me directly.

I look forward to your ideas and thoughts.

Warmly, Joe Kort, LMSW

Sex with the City: An introduction teleclass about Sexual Addiction

2008-09-05T16:17:00.003-04:00

September 8
8-9PM EST

Sex with the City: An introduction teleclass about Sexual Addiction for men.

{This is also an opportunity for wives and female partners as well as therapists to understand sexual addiction in men.}

Sexual addiction and compulsivity is on the rise for men—and for women, particularly with the expanding Internet bringing ease to sexual hookups and online porn. Because of sexual shame, people often are afraid to talk about their sexual acting out behaviors and clinicians are not sure what to do once the sexual behavior is reported.

This telelcass will help those struggling with whether or not they have a sexual addiction or not and accurately assess and get help.

Participants will be learn what makes sexual behaviors an addiction and what to do to stop the behaviors. It will give direction to help men recover from out of control sexual behavior. Treatment planning often involves assessing the clients erotic mapping and ritualized sexual behavior.

The secret logic of the sexual fantasy and behavior can provide the nonsexual map to recovery.
Various modalities of therapy along with the most recent research of effective medications for this disorder will also be addressed.

What is a telephone bridge line?

A telephone bridge line is a central calling place where each participant phones in. Joe Kort will lead the class and do some lecturing followed by answers, questions and discussion by the participants.

You will have the opportunity to participate as much or as little as you want and your identity will remain completely anonymous to other participants.

Fee: $25.00

To register for the class click here. After you register you will receive the call in number and pin number to join the class.

Lesbians who are aroused and enjoy watching gay male pornography

2008-09-01T23:20:00.002-04:00

Many people who read this blog have a hard time understanding how a straight male could enjoy gay male porn.

I have uploaded an article entitled:

Hot Man on Man Action (And the Lesbians Who Love Watching It) by Elizabeth F. Stewart from In the Family Magazine, Summer 2000.

By clicking on the link and scrolling down you will find the article.

I believe this article clarifies how and why sexual orientation does not always line up with sexual preferences. Most people would say that lesbians would be turned off by gay male pornography if they are truly lesbians. However, the author of this article makes some important points about the lesbians who do enjoy gay male porn:

The "players in the gay male porn are all very hot and the focus is on the sex"
Lesbians who enjoy anal sex
Men "cannot fake arousal"
What "the viewer sees is real"
Gay male sex is seen as "nastier," more "down and dirty," and "forbidden".

My own judgment about why anyone who is not gay or bisexual would be attracted to gay male pornography is that the male porn stars are usually engaged in a mutual, reciprocal and power balanced act in which no man is being abused, objectified in a humiliating or demeaning way and both seem to be wanting the other to enjoy the sexual act.

This is unlike much of straight porn where usually the male is dominant and the woman is submissive and there only to please the man and her pleasure is for the enjoyment of the male--not her own.

Straight Guise: Treating Heterosexual Men Who Have Sex With Men

2008-08-28T14:19:00.004-04:00

Upcoming Talks on Straight Guise by Joe Kort, LMSW

AASECT Sponsored Talk for Mental Health Clinicians

DATE: November 1, 2008

COST: $40 (which includes 2 AASECT CE’s and 2 Michigan Social Work CE’s plus a continental
breakfast)

WHERE: Center for Sexual Health at University of Michigan Health Systems

Ann arbor, MI
East Ann Arbor Health Center
4260 Plymouth Road Ann
Arbor, MI 48109 just off the highway (us 23)

Contact: Sallie Foley salliefoley@gmail.com

Straight Guise: Treating Heterosexual Men Who Have Sex With Men

Joe Kort, LMSW

1. Description of Training

When a male client reveals he fantasizes about having sex with men, is caught looking at online gay porn and in gay chat rooms, and possibly is having sex with men, the tendency is to label the client as gay or bisexual. However, for many of these men this is not about either. A variety of reasons exist as to why men seek other men for sex which are not about a gay identity.

Therapists, being politically correct, often believe the man is in denial about his homosexuality or bisexuality and move him in a direction toward coming out gay when--in fact--he is not. This presentation will discuss ways understanding the male client’s interest in sexual contact with men, and helping him decide what course of treatment is best for him.

2. Bibliographic references for talk:

A. Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts
A Gentle Press edited by Stephanie Carnes, Ph.D. with chapter by Joe Kort, LMSW called Straight Guise: Is My Partner Gay?

B. Psychotherapy Networker Magazine

Gay Guise: What To Do When Your Client Has Sex With Men, But Is Straight was a
case study article for therapists working with men who have sex with men (MSM) and
are heterosexual.

C. On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of “Straight” Black Men Who Sleep with Men
by J.L. King

D. Beyond the Down Low: Sex, Lies, and Denial in Black America by Keith Boyken

3. Objectives for talk:

Understand the psychological meanings of the arousal template of the straight men who seek sex with men (MSM's) who are not gay or bisexual.
Learn to help the client communicate an understanding about his sexuality and to understand what the behavior means for him.
Address the fears, homophobia, anxieties and insecurities of these clients about their sexual behaviors and interest in engaging in sexual activity with other men.

Boyhood Shadows: A Documentary of Sexually Abused Men

2008-08-28T12:06:00.008-04:00

A documentary titled Boyhood Shadows is soon to be released about males who have been sexually abused as children.

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that many of the straight men I treat men who have sex with men were sexually abused as children and are homosexually imprinted in terms of behavior--not orientation--as adults.

Monterey County Rape Crisis Center has created a full length, groundbreaking documentary on Male Sexual Victimization. A website for the film is up ( http://www.boyhoodshadows.org/ ), the film has been submitted to Sundance and other big film festivals.

Watch the trailer it will make you cry. It had that effect on me! This is a very important and silenced topic that the producers are bringing forward!

I received word of this film by an AASECT member Stephen L. Braveman who was part of the creation of this much needed film. His contact information is below.

Stephen L. Braveman, M.A., L.M.F.T., D.S.T.
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Certified Diplomate of Sex Therapy
AASECT Certified Supervisor
Gender Specialist
494 Alvarado Street, Suite A
Monterey, CA 93940
Phone: (831) 375-7553
http://www.bravemantherapy.com/
stephen@bravemantherapy.com

Inside the secret world of the straight guise

2008-07-30T12:23:00.002-04:00

My blog was featured in a story in the Village Voice by Tristan Taormino about straight men who have sex with men.

I really appreciated the journalist featuring my beliefs about why straight men have sex with other men and thought she did a fine job. She also pointed out the very thing that I have tried to ask myself--why is this okay for females but not for males? Read what she has to say.

Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men
Inside the secret world of the straight guise
By Tristan Taormino
Tuesday, July 29th 2008

Once again, a female singer has a hit song called "I Kissed A Girl"; I saw Katy Perry perform it on network television the other night. As she danced around in her cute yellow dress, I thought: "Wow, singing about lesbian smooching was pretty racy when Jill Sobule did it—same title and subject, different and better song—in 1995 on MTV." Now it's ready for prime time? Well, it's been almost 15 years. Plus, the whole idea isn't that threatening anymore.

If a straight woman confesses she's messed around with another woman—even had full-blown sex with her—most people are quick to shrug it off. She was drunk. She's experimenting. At most, maybe this means she's bi-curious. But it's no big deal. Women have a lot more leeway to explore their sexuality with other women without questioning their orientation or setting any alarms off. On the other hand, society doesn't make room for men to do the same. Can you imagine the flip side of this scenario?

No, I don't mean Bon Jovi topping the charts with a new rock anthem called "I Made Out With a Guy." Let's say one of your male friends confesses: "I was at the club last night with Bob. The music was pounding, I had a few shots, and his hair just looked so good, so we made out, and I jerked him off in the bathroom." For most people, there's really only one response: "Dude, you're gay." Maybe, but maybe not.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than three million men who self-identify as straight secretly have sex with other men. Although there's been some mainstream dialogue about African-American men who have sex with men "on the down-low," there hasn't been much talk about white guys who do it. And there are plenty of them out there.

Take a brief scroll through one day's worth of "Men Seeking Men" posts on New York City's Craigslist, and you'll find dozens of listings like "Str8 Guy Needs Great Cocksucker" or "Handsome Masculine Married Irish Guy Seeks One or Two Hung Married Irish Buddies Who Want Head and Maybe More."

From the super-brief to the incredibly detailed, some posts offer interesting explanations:

Though I have always been hetero, I also have had a fantasy to anonymously suck cock and swallow his cum.

I am a married white male forty-six, six-one, one-ninety—a goodlooking, successful, Ivy-educated guy who finds himself in town alone this week. Not interested in changing my life in any major way, but do feel the occasional need to deal with this side of my nature.

I am married . . . looking to provide no reciprocation needed or wanted oral service for VERY masculine, verbal straight/bi/straight acting men. My clothes do not even have to come off. This is about YOUR pleasure . . . not mine.

These examples articulate some of the reasons why heterosexual men get it on with other men: for anonymous, no-strings-attached sex; to explore homoerotic desire without a gay identity or relationship; or to fulfill a fantasy, including one of dominance and submission.

"When these straight men have sex with other men, it is not about an attraction to the other man—it is about an attraction to the sex act," says Joe Kort (joekort.com), a licensed therapist in Michigan. "When asked about what they enjoy, it is never the actual man, but instead his body parts, the sexual behavior they engage in." Many of Kort's clients (who are overwhelmingly white) are straight men who have sex with other men (SMSM). He's even created Straight Guise (straightguise.com), a website dedicated to the subject.

He cites dozens of explanations for SMSM behavior: "Some have been sexually abused and are compulsively re-enacting childhood sexual trauma by male perpetrators; some have sex with men because it's easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with women; some are 'gay for pay'; some like the attention they receive from other men; some like anal sex, which they're otherwise too ashamed to talk about or engage in with their female partners."

He acknowledges that some of these men may be bisexual or closeted gay men, but in his experience in treating clients over an extended period, many of them are not. He believes that when it comes to sex, identity and orientation, preferences, fantasies, and behavior do not always neatly line up in one category. More often, they are complex and even contradictory.

Mike, whom I found on a personals website, is 44, married, and works on Wall Street. He has been having sex with men for four years, and says he likes the closeness and the male bonding. Plus, "It's just less complicated than with women. We're both there for sex, and that's it." John, 35, also works in finance, identifies as straight, and is dating several women. But he mostly enjoys getting blowjobs from men: "There are less emotional complications for me. Many men will do things some women will not, and many men give better oral sex. I think men will exercise their hunger for sex and not deny that they are horny more so than women. They feel comfortable sexually bonding." Both men admit that their female partners don't know about their behavior; in fact, their families and friends don't know.

Unlike some psychology professionals who want to pathologize these men, treat them for sexual addiction, or "cure them" of homosexuality, Kort approaches his clients without an agenda. He also unpacks some of the cultural baggage that contributes to this phenomenon: "They are interested in the sexual contact with other men.

They are working through issues of father hunger, lack of touch from other males, and the need for contact with other men on deeper levels that women enjoy with each other and men do not. Some of these men tell me they meet other men and really just want to be held and talk to the other men, but that the men they meet want it to be sexual, so they go through with it but really don't want to. Ironically, since men are not allowed to touch—except for a pat on the butt in sports—they use the sexual realm to find ways to touch each other and receive touch."

Bisexual Sex Addicts: A Typical Story

2008-07-21T16:13:00.004-04:00

Here is a good clinical example by another therapist of how non-gay men who have sex with men can be the result of sexual addiction and be driven by father hunger.

The author is Jerry Goodman. I know him through SASH (Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health) which is an organization for sexual addiction and compulsivity.

Jerry has been an LCSW (Licensed Certified Social Worker) psychotherapist for approximately 30 years, the last 18 of which he has specialized in treating male sex addicts. In the early 90’s, with his wife, Margaret, he developed the Counseling Affiliates Sexual Addiction Treatment Program in Houston. In 1991 Jerry took one of Patrick Carnes' early sexual addition training intensives for therapists and continued to follow Carnes’ literature, lectures, workshops and personal counsel. Finally when professional certification became available, he obtained the Certified Sex Addiction Therapist certification (CSAT) in 2001. The following year he received the Supervisor/Consultant Certification for assisting other therapists in obtaining the CSAT. Jerry draws not only on his years of training and professional experience but also on his years of personal recovery

Sex addiction help
Houston Counseling Affiliates
2620 Fountainview, Ste. 250
Houston, TX 77057

Here is a case example that involves MSM.

A Story about Bisexual Sexual Addiction

The following are excerpts:

It was unanimously decided that he was not a repressed homosexual but that he
had long been addicted to sexualized re-enactment of his childhood trauma with
his father which had prevented him from completing some of his psychic
development, leaving him in doubt of his masculinity. This was part of the
anxiety and inner turmoil that he had acted out over and over. He was told that
the neurologically programmed addictive response would probably stay with him
but that with the willingness to work a strong recovery program and to do some
significant psychological work, he would be able to control the addiction rather
than the addiction controlling him, allowing him to have the life he and Laura
wanted. Laura also learned that she needed to participate in a recovery program
and to do psychological work to help her with the effects Manuel’s problem had
had on her and to resolve her own issues which she learned had played a part in
unconsciously attracting her to Manuel.

Later in the article the therapist writes:

"These patterns are clear evidence of sexual addiction despite the unavoidable
presence of cultural influence which probably accounted for the sexual identity
doubt expressed to Carlos when he said he had wondered if he was gay. Ultimately
the professional treatment ruled out repressed homosexuality, and even prior to
that there was a good indication of a heterosexual identity in that he felt
genuine love, which could be assumed included romantic and sexual love, for
Laura."

And finally he ends with this:

No doubt Manuel will have an attraction to males his whole life that was set in
motion as a child by the rejection and criticism from his father. In a sense the
rejection by his primary masculine role model prevented him from developing a
secure concept of himself as male. Therefore, the attraction to males probably
has an element of unconscious searching for unfulfilled fathering and
symbolically taking into his psyche the masculinity he had partially distanced
himself from in childhood in reaction to his father's harshness. This “quest,”
like all other patterns of experience that occurred in his psychological
development were neurologically programmed as part of his psychic “map” or
template, and therefore a permanent part of him.

For the entire case example click here

High Sex Drive is Associated with Increased Sexual Attraction to Both Women and Men

2008-07-21T15:28:00.004-04:00

In my private practice and coaching I have noticed that straight men with a higher sex drive tend to be more willing to be sexual with other men which this study by Richard Lippa talks about. I have also noticed that gay men with high sex drives are more willing to have sex with women and can be satisfied with them.

I wrote about men with high sex drives at joekort.com in an article called, "Are you a sexually high T or low T?" and "Am I a sex addict or a high T?"

This study is important as it is not about sexual orientation as much as it is about sexual drive and behavior.

____________________________________________________________

Information about the sex drive and same- and other-sex attraction study
in the April 2007 issue of the Archives of Sexual Behavior

The complete reference for the article is:

Lippa, R. A. (2007). The relation between sex drive and sexual attraction to men and women: A cross-national study of heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual men and women, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36, 209-222.

Abstract:
Recent research suggests that, for most women, high sex drive is associated with increased sexual attraction to both women and men. For men, however, high sex drive is associated with increased attraction to one sex or the other, but not to both, depending on men's sexual orientation (Lippa, R. A., 2006, Psychological Science, 17, 46–52).

These findings were replicated in a very large BBC data set and were found to hold true in different nations, world regions, and age groups. Consistent with previous research, lesbians differed from other women in showing the male-typical pattern, that high sex drive is associated with attraction to one sex but not the other. Bisexual women and men were more similar to same-sex heterosexuals than to same-sex homosexuals in their pattern of results.

The correlation between same-sex and other-sex attraction was consistently negative for men, was near zero for heterosexual and bisexual women, and negative for lesbians. Thus, same-sex and other-sex attractions were, in general, more bipolar and mutually exclusive for men than for women. The current findings add to evidence that sexual orientation is organized differently in women and men and suggest a biological component to this difference.

A brief description of the study:
The higher women’s sex drive, the more they desire both sexes. However, the higher men’s sex drive, the more they desire either one sex or the other, depending on their sexual orientation. These are some of the findings presented in a new study by California State University psychology professor, Richard A. Lippa, published in the April 2007 issue of the Archives of Sexual Behavior. The findings were based on data collected from over 200,000 people who responded to an Internet survey posted on the BBC Science and Nature website.

For most men, a higher sex drive simply intensifies their existing sexual orientation, Lippa reported. The common-sense view is that heterosexual men with high sex drives are very interested in women, and gay men with high sex drives are very interested in men, and this is indeed what the BBC data showed. The unexpected result was that women seem to be more intrinsically bisexual in their sexual attractions. Whereas men tended to be either-or (heterosexual or gay), women had more shades of gray.

Lippa, a prominent gender researcher, said that the data from the BBC Internet survey suggests that the observed differences between women and men may have biological causes, because the results were very consistent across a number of countries, including the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, India, Malaysia, and Japan. Results were also consistent across a number of world regions, including Western Europe, Eastern Europe, and Latin America, and they were equally true for people over and under 30 years of age.

Lippa’s analyses of the BBC data showed that most women were considerably more attracted to men than to women, and thus it is incorrect to label most women as “bisexual.” However, many more women than men expressed some degree of attraction to their own sex. In the BBC survey data, 90 percent of women labeled themselves as heterosexual, 7 percent as bisexual, and 3 percent as lesbian. In contrast, 91 percent of men labeled themselves as heterosexual, 4 percent as bisexual, and 5 percent as gay. Thus, nearly twice as many women as men identified themselves as bisexual, but almost twice as many men as women labeled themselves as homosexual.

Lesbians were the only group of women who did not show the "high sex drive leads to increased attraction to both sexes" effect. Instead, they showed the pattern typical of heterosexual men. For lesbian women, high sex drive was associated with increased attraction to women, but not to men. Why lesbians differed from other women is not clear. Lippa speculated that the difference might result from the effects of prenatal hormones, particularly androgens, which include male hormones such as testosterone. Some social scientists argue that sexual orientation is influenced by prenatal variations in sex hormones like testosterone.

Lippa served as a research consultant to the BBC Internet survey, which was developed for use in the BBC documentary Secrets of the Sexes. He is a Professor of Psychology at California State University, Fullerton.

This article appeared in a special section of the April 2007 issue of the Archives of Sexual Behavior, guest edited by Richard Lippa, devoted to studies that analyzed data from the 2005 BBC Internet survey. Results from this survey were presented in the BBC One documentary, Secrets of the Sexes. About a quarter of a million people across the world responded to the BBC survey, which investigated psychological sex differences--how men and women differ in their cognitive abilities, personality traits, sexual attitudes and behavior, mate preferences, and attitudes. For further information about the BBC studies and their results, see the BBC Science and Nature website.

Anal HPV common in Heterosexual men

2008-07-21T13:44:00.004-04:00

This article is an important one for the men I talk about on this blog.

These men are most likely getting Anal HPV because they are on the down low and having sex with other men.

This Reuters Health, July 2008 is proof that these men exist.

________________________________________________________________

Anal HPV common in hetero men
Last updated: Monday, July 21, 2008

Roughly one in four heterosexual men have anal human papillomavirus (HPV) infection and, in many cases, a cancer-causing type of the sexually transmitted wart virus is present, a study shows.

Certain strains of HPV, which can be transmitted from male to female partners, are responsible for most cases of cervical cancer. Although much is known about HPV infection in women, this is not the case in men.

Only two studies have reported anal HPV prevalence in heterosexual men," Alan Nyitray, from the Arizona Cancer Center in Tucson, who led the current study, told Reuters Health. "The first study from Amsterdam recruited men in an STD clinic. The second from Sao Paulo recruited men who were husbands of women with confirmed cervical HPV infection. Our study is different in that we primarily recruited men from two universities, in addition to the general community."

In their study of 222 men, the researchers found that the prevalence of HPV in the anal canal was 16.6 percent. The prevalence of HPV around the anus (the "perianal" region) was 21.3 percent.

High anal cancer prevalence 'unexpected' in heterosexual men. Surprisingly, Nyitray noted, the prevalence of cancer in the anal canal is much higher than was reported in the Amsterdam and Sao Paulo studies, even though subjects in these studies were from seemingly high-risk groups. "This prevalence wouldn't be surprising for men who have sex with men, but for heterosexual men it was unexpected," Nyitray said.

Roughly one third of the men with anal HPV infection harbored a type that can cause cancer, the report indicates.

"There are a number of questions this study raises," Nyitray said. "For instance, how was HPV transmitted to the perianal region and anal canal of these men" and "how persistent are the infections," which are likely to affect the risk of anal cancer. – (Reuters Health, July 2008)

More MSM Finding Partners On Internet In Chicago, Contributing To Increase In Syphilis Cases, Report Finds

2008-07-20T23:46:00.003-04:00

Every once in a while I think it is important to remind those reading this blog about the risk of HIV exposure and other STD's.

The following article talks about a report from Chicago in which men who have sex with men who meet from the Internet are experiencing a higher rater of STD's.

___________________________________________________________

In the MedicalNewsToday.com, a story appeared about an increasing number of men who have sex with men in Chicago are finding sex partners on the Internet, helping to fuel a rise is syphilis cases among the group, according to a report recently released by the Chicago Department of Health, the Chicago Tribune reports.

The number of syphilis cases in Chicago remained around 300 cases annually for about 10 years, and until 2001, most cases were recorded among heterosexuals. In 2007, 331 syphilis cases were reported in the city, 71% of them among MSM, the Tribune reports. According to the Tribune, one concern related to the increasing number of people diagnosed with syphilis is that they also are HIV-positive. Among heterosexuals diagnosed with syphilis at Chicago clinics four years ago, 6% were HIV-positive; however, last year, 15% were HIV-positive, the Tribune reports.

For the report, William Wong, medical director of the health department's division of sexually transmitted infections and HIV/AIDS, conducted confidential interviews as part of the health department's routine disease-surveillance activities. Wong said that for the first time, more MSM said they met sex partners online than in places such as bars.

He added that 34% of men diagnosed with syphilis in 2007 at clinics run by the health department said they met their sex partners on the Internet, compared with 33% who said they met their partners at bars or clubs. "Prevention does work, and the reductions over the last 10 years among women and the heterosexual community are an important advance," Wong said, adding, "We are making progress.

But syphilis is still around, and there's still work to be done." Deborah Levine -- executive director of the Oakland, Calif.-based Internet Sexuality Information Services -- said that although the Internet is not the cause of the increase in syphilis cases among MSM, it increases the risk of disease transmission. "If you go to a bar in a night, there might be 200 or 300 people there," Levine said, adding, "You can go on multiple Web sites in a night and potentially meet thousands of people.

The speed and sheer numbers allow for more possibilities for passing around infections." Wong noted that although the Internet has created new challenges, it also offers opportunities for intervention.

The health department has added more information about syphilis to its Web site and started posting banner ads on other sites. It also has launched a new site, called "inSPOT," which is administered in partnership with ISIS.

The site allows men to send e-mails anonymously notifying their partners that they have been exposed to an STI (Shelton, Chicago Tribune, 7/14). Reprinted with kind permission from http://www.kaisernetwork.org/.

You can view the entire Kaiser Daily Health Policy Report, search the archives, or sign up for email delivery at http://www.kaisernetwork.org/dailyreports/healthpolicy.

The Kaiser Daily Health Policy Report is published for kaisernetwork.org, a free service of The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. © 2008 Advisory Board Company and Kaiser Family Foundation. All rights reserved.

SO YOU SAY YOU’RE STRAIGHT: The one in five hidden homosexual heterosexuals

2008-07-05T15:04:00.004-04:00

A book proposal by the late Dr. Neil McConaghy was given to me by the author's daughter, Dr. Finola McConaghy, and placed on StraightGuise.com with permission. She was unable to publish this book and found Straightguise.com and asked if I would be willing to add it to the literature on the website which I accepted.

While at times dense and difficult to read as many academic books are, Dr. Neil McConaghy does a thorough job in researching SMSM's and presenting it in a scientific fashion.

SO YOU SAY YOU’RE STRAIGHT:
The one in five hidden homosexual heterosexuals

Introduction

Chapter 1. Who is homosexual? The false
homosexual/heterosexual dichotomy

Chapter 2. Sissiness, tomboyishness, effeminacy, butchness and
the homosexual heterosexuals

Chapter 3. Theories of causes of sexual orientation and the
homosexual heterosexuals

Chapter 4. Why homosexual heterosexuals conceal their
homosexual feelings: homophobia, biphobia and
sissyphobia.

Chapter 5. Psychological health and homosexuality. Is there a role
for treatment of homosexual feelings?

Contact Dr. Finola McConaghy at the address and phone below:

Dr. Finola McConaghy, Ph.D.
281 Cabbage Tree Rd.
Grose Vale NSW 2753
AUSTRALIA
Phone 0427 427 477
finola.mcconaghy@naturevet.com.au
All rights reserved.

iPhones and Sexual Addiction

2008-06-08T17:02:00.006-04:00

Since Straight Guise looks at sexual issues I receive many emails from men who suffer from a sexual addiction and cannot refrain from sexually acting out. They use various computer programs to block them from going to porn sites on the Internet with their home laptops and desktops.

However they are finding ways to use the iPhone to sexually act out and go to these site with which they cannot connect on their home computers. So far there are no Internet filters (after clicking Internet filters scroll down to where it says Internet filters on the page it takes you to) for the iPhone.

I did find a site which has parental controls for the iPhone called Sentry. Here is what is on Sentry's site:

We’ve put the iKnow in the iPhone!

Your iPhone can now be a window into your child’s online activities
anyplace, anywhere, anytime. Sentry Parental Controls is adapting its
award winning parental control software to use with an interface designed
specifically for the iPhone browser. Sentry At Home, our intuitive, easy to use
program in conjunction with your iPhone provides a powerful tool that allows you
to instantly receive real-time alerts on your iPhone if inappropriate computer
behavior occurs on your child’s computer. You can even lock or shut down
your child’s computer remotely right from your iPhone.

The way this can work for sexually addicted and compulsive people who cannot refrain from using the iPhone to sexually act out is to place these parental controls onto their iPhone. Then select a sponsor, therapist, partner and/or friend who knows and understands your struggles and who you can be accountable to. Then if you go to the sites or chat rooms which are inappropriate they will know and keep you accountable.

Does Everyone Think You're Gay?

2008-06-01T22:54:00.003-04:00

A nice article appears this month in Details magazine on the concept that For some guys, no amount of evidence to the contrary can kill a certain rumor.

The article was written by by Mike Albo.

Albo starts the story about a friend of his named Gary who is often mistaken for gay when he is 100% straight. He talks about celebrities such as John Travolta and Tom Cruise who have never been able to shake off the rumors even when their lives clearly point to a heterosexual orientation.

This is a good conversation as I have known many clients and men (and women) in my personal life who have this same issue.

The author writes:

Gary's what I like to call a "stray," a straight guy who sends out gay
signals like he's shaking a tambourine even as he proclaims himself—and in fact
is—100 percent heterosexual. The characteristics that define a stray as such
vary widely. Maybe it's a melodious laugh. Or a fastidious shirt-and-tie combo.
Or an effusive signature salutation ("Oh my god! I'm totally psyched to see
you!"). But more often the thing about a heterosexual guy that makes everyone
assume he's a homo is almost impossible to pinpoint. He may talk up his love of
ladies more than Bret Michaels does, he may have a wife and kids, but people
always react the same way: "Really? No, wait—really?"

This phenomenon shouldn't be confused with that of actual gay men who
masquerade as straight. And we're not talking about the metrosexual, that
embodiment of a played-out consumer megatrend that involved slim-cut pants and
moisturizer. Every guy in America knows how to clip his nose hairs and make his
outfit go from day to night. Those skills aren't what make a heterosexual man
read gay. So what does?

Science has tried to figure this out. Researchers have studied
behavioral traits like "hip sway" and "voice quality" and even physical traits
like hair-whorl patterns and finger-length ratios. Richard Lippa, a professor of
psychology at California State University, Fullerton, and the author of Gender,
Nature, and Nurture, says that no one trait can be used to determine someone's
sexuality. But, he says, "I think the one thing we can conclude from the
existing research is that both scientists and laypeople can judge people's
sexual orientation at better-than-chance levels based on behavioral
traits."

That's not what the perpetually mistaken-for-gay man wants to hear. He
wants the word spread that people are often wrong when they play Guess the
Orientation. He wants his having a girlfriend or being married with kids to be a
sufficient indicator that he doesn't like to sleep with men. But you can't stop
the gay rumor once it starts. Strays are often tagged and classified in the
workplace, where, out of curiosity and sheer boredom, colleagues pick each other
apart with forensic specificity, zooming in on the wedding-ring-wearing guy in
sales who likes his limbs tanning-booth bronzed, or the highlighted assistant
who claims to be hot for Scarlett Johansson.

Alex (not his real name), a
website editor in San Francisco, has watched one of his bosses groom himself
into stray territory. "He mixes protein shakes, has lost 150 pounds, wears
Kenneth Cole, and is a member of Equinox," Alex says. "He has lots of female
friends, and he talks about being attracted to them—but the women think of him
as a friend."

Some people, in my judgment, want to believe that these folks are gay and that they are in denial to confirm that their "gaydar" is correct. Others want to catch these individuals in a lie to "out" them and make the confess. Others still have ideas of what it means to be gay or straight and if rumors exist and even if evidence that these folks have has same sex behaviors than it must mean that they are truly gay and closeted.

This blog is about recognizing that it is much more complicated.

What do you think?

bi-curious?

2008-05-26T18:12:00.004-04:00

bi-curious?

There is an interesting thread going on at afterellen.com regarding what constitutes bi-curious and bisexuality. It is worth reading. The following is an excerpt:

I think a person can identify as bisexual without ever having sex. If you're
attracted to men and women; I'd paint you bisexual.
So where does the bi-curious part come in? Is it a legitimate orientation?
I know some people would call bisexuality a phase, I do NOT agree with that
notion. But I do think bi-curious is a phase. It seems like the 'still
questioning' period before a person actually comes out. It seems like it's the
fantasizing, flirting, contemplating that a person does before they come to
terms with their true sexuality.
It seems to be a term reserved for straight people who always wondered what
it would be like to be with someone of the same sex. But can it be used for gay
people who wonder about being with someone of the opposite sex?
Is it fair to use the term for people who are honestly questioning their
sexuality and also use it for people who just want to experiment or are in it
for shits-n-giggles?
I've seen the term used for straight women who find out you are genuinely
attracted to women; so they treat you like they would treat any other man.
Basically, flirting and making out just so they can feel wanted and get some
attention. *no, I'm not stereotyping all straight women. I'm talking about
attention wh*res.*
If you've already had sex or a relationship with someone of the same gender,
is it logical to still identify as bi-curious? If you're found frequently making
out with people of the same sex, are you still bi-curious?
I'm trying to get some clarification because I've heard people use the term
bi-curious for things I would consider bisexual or straight women who just want
some extra attention.
This may sound like a stupid question that's already
been addressed. I'm just trying to dispel some of my ignorance.

GUYS ON FILM | Straight up gay porn for some actors

2008-05-26T00:37:00.004-04:00

Regardless of whether or not people believe that straight men can be sexual with other men and still be straight, it seems that venues such as gay porn films and websites such as:

(WARNING BEFORE CLICKING THESE SITES ARE GRAPHIC)

"Straight Guys for Gay Eyes"

"Straight College Men"

The point is that there is a lot of ignorance that straight men can have sex with other men and still be straight. The same way gay men can have sex with women and still be gay.

Here is an article that talks about some of this.

Media Credit: Alexis Johnson
GAY FOR PAY Jeffrey Escoffier shows a clip of a gay porn film to attendees.

"Some directors think that it is better to have straight men in gay porn," said
Jeffrey Escoffier, who writes about gay culture, politics and history. "They
have less trouble getting erections."

Last night at 19 University Place,
Escoffier discussed gender and sexuality in porn while specifically focusing on
his work studying the "gay for pay" phenomenon in which straight men perform in
gay porn films. From his interviews with people in the industry, Escoffier has
found that 25 to 40 percent of porn actors are "gay for pay."

"To become
a porn star and to be a top, you have to be able to get an erection, and you
have to be able to fuck," Escoffier said. "In gay porn, erections are very
important, real penetration is very important and having a real orgasm is very
important, and in ways it is not in straight porn. Every porn set is filled with
stories of the hours spent waiting for an orgasm or for an erection."

In
addition to physically sexual problems that may arise, openly straight men
performing in gay films also results in a different kind of film, filled with
specific sexual symbolism and greater meaning, Escoffier said.

"The ass
is commonly emphasized because it is symbolic of the newest figures and those
most in need of sexual redefinition," Escoffier said. Additionally, boundaries
of sexuality and decency are continually pushed because "in porn, there is the
demand to produce ever more perverse sexual fantasies to keep people engaged and
watching."

Escoffier then showed a clip from the first hard-core gay
porn film that portrayed full nudity and gay sex.

But "gay for pay" is
not merely a career option; it is also an economic strategy. Actors get paid
more for filming a gay porn scene than they would for straight porn, Escoffier
said. Ultimately though, actors in gay porn make less annually because gay porn
makes up a much smaller portion of the sex industry.

Additionally, "gay
for pay" introduces social discourse issues of the ambiguity and defiance of
what might be deemed "traditional" sexual preferences and identity into society.
Escoffier, the author of "Passport to Fantasy" and a visiting scholar for the
NYU Center for the Study of Gender and Sexuality, cited one prominent porn star
in illustrating this point: "[The porn star] claims he is 'gay for pay,' but in
the course of his career, he discovered that his favorite way to be fucked is on
his back by a trannie or a girl with a strap-on. Now, how would he be
classified?"

Toward the end of the event, Escoffier considered the lack
of mainstream media coverage that the porn industry receives.

"The porn
industry is at least as big as the world of professional sports, but there are
no pages in the newspapers for it," he said. "There is no way to become known or
recognizable, and there is especially no way to talk about it without it
becoming taboo."

Are you in a bromance?

2008-05-26T00:14:00.003-04:00

The following article talks about the usage of the new word "Bromance" when two straight men have loving and even romantic feelings toward one another.

The importance of this word and this concept of "mancrushes" is to dispel the myth that for a male to love and care about another male does not have to make them gay or bisexual. If it does that is fine but if their sexual and romantic identities are heterosexual then the new word for the millineum is "Bromance"

Read on and then tell me what you think can two straight men love each other and not be gay or bisexual? What if they have sex once or on occassion does that make them gay or bisexual?

Here's to 'bromance'
Katherine Bindley

Columbia News Service

Mar. 24, 2008 12:05 PM

In a 2007 episode of NBC’s hospital-based comedy Scrubs, the show’s two
main characters, J.D. and Turk, break into a musical duet proclaiming their
mutual affection. "Guy love. That’s all it is,” the song goes. "Guy love, he’s
mine, I’m his.

There’s nothing gay about it in our eyes."Turk and J.D. are two
straight male doctors who are, without a doubt, in a bromance, a relationship
defined as "the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males,”
according to urbandictionary.com.

From Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid to Good Will Hunting, popular
culture is filled with examples of straight guy love. The sitcom "Friends” often
crafted jokes around the ultra-tight nature of Joey and Chandler’s relationship,
and in the 2005 film "Wedding Crashers,” Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson seemed to
have something more like a tortured love affair than a friendship.

To read more click
here.

Then an article appeared in the Huffington Post called "Bromance comes out of the closet"

Homosexuality, of course, used to be known as the love that dare not speak
its name--until, thanks to the gayification of pop culture, it became the love
that wouldn't shut the hell up. Now the man crush (a heterosexual male's
feelings of platonic love for another man) and the bromance (when those feelings
are reciprocated) are coming out of the closet in a major way. This has been
brewing for a while (remember those "I love you, man" Bud Light commercials?),
but it reached a high point in the already-classic drunken exchange in last
year's Superbad (which also coined bromance), in which Seth tells his buddy, "I
just love you. I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream, 'I love my best
friend, Evan!'"

The fact that some guys now not only admit to same-sex infatuations
without suffering a paralyzing identity crisis but announce them amounts to a
seismic cultural shift. Until recently, if a heterosexual dude wanted to reveal
something about his inner self, the safe (i.e., non-gay-seeming) option was to
take a stand about, say, The Killer versus Hard Boiled. Now he can hold forth
about his taste in men.

And finally in Time Magazine acknowledged the Bromance with their article on the movie "Superbad" with the article title Superbad: A Fine Bromance

Today we have the summer's last major comedy: Superbad, produced by Apatow
and co-written by Rogen. It's about a pudgy, mouthy slob named Seth (Jonah Hill)
and his quieter, slightly more kempt buddy Evan (Michael Cera) who want, with
variously intense degrees of desperation, to get laid before they graduate from
high school. At the end of a night of wacky hijinks, the lads do wind up in a
sleeping bag, exchanging intimacies with...each other.

Why don't Apatow and
Rogen just do the honorable thing and tell the world they're gay? It would save
them a lot of time wasted pretending their movies are about young men growing up
and finding the right young woman. It would also save movie critics from having
to find new ways of saying, about their maxi-raunch comedies, "Oh, but at heart
they're really sweet."

And while Hollywood is being honest about the new
strain of guy-meets-guy comedy — bromance, the word writer Dave Carnie coined to describe the strong emotional attachment of one man for another — maybe Will
Ferrell and Adam Sandler should come out of the closet too. In Ferrell's movies,
male merging beats female interest to a pulp, and his latest, Blades of Glory,
allows him several opportunities to stick his face in Jon Heder's crotch.
Sandler's summer hit, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, took guy-guy
friendship to its logical conclusion: two firefighters get married. At least
that seemed as far as boy-meets-boy comedies could go, until Superbad's
cuddle-up scene.

here! Announces Second Season of 'The DL Chronicles'

2008-05-25T23:48:00.007-04:00

By 5/12/2008

here!, America's premium gay television network, is pleased to announce that it will bring back the critically-acclaimed anthology series The DL Chronicles for a second season. It will premiere on the network in late 2008 and feature 5 new episodes.

The DL Chronicles was recently nominated for a GLAAD Media Award in the category of "Outstanding Television Movie or Mini-Series." The anthology series is the first television show to center on the "DL" phenomenon in the gay community. The DL (short for "down-low") refers to straight men of color who live their everyday lives as heterosexuals, often married to women, but engage in discreet gay sex and gay relationships on the periphery.

The down-low however, is not specific only to men of color.

The show, created by Quincy Lenear and Deondray Gossett (2 Cents Productions), is not only sexy and provocative, but also offers a socially-conscious insight into the lines between sexuality and perceived socially acceptable behavior within the African-American community. It provides an unapologetic view of intimacy between men of color and explores these scintillating stories with honesty and integrity.

Cast in the role as narrator of The DL Chronicles, actor Damian T. Raven is Chadwick Williams, an aspiring journalist who pursues research while writing a book about 'men who sleep with men' (in contrast to those men who would classify themselves as gay). As Chadwick begins his research we are led into a seductively taboo world of carnal desires, conscience and consequence. The DL Chronicles features several different character-driven stories that lend perspective to the factors that influence the down-low lifestyle.

Among the stories told in the upcoming season are that which involve a high school student's newfound gay relationship and its effects on his homophobic father, a reverend who questions his sexual identity and religious beliefs upon meeting a handsome stranger, and an interracial love story about two guys from different sides of the tracks.

"We are thrilled to continue our relationship with these incredibly talented and brave writer-directors. Quincy and Deondray's stories offer important insight into an aspect of our community that has been little explored until now," said Meredith Kadlec, Senior Vice President of Original Programming.

here!, in an effort to provide both intelligent and provocative programming to its viewers, sees The DL Chronicles as one of its cornerstones. As witnessed by recognition from GLAAD, The DL Chronicles gives its audience insight into a topic rarely discussed in mainstream society. However, in doing this it also offers us stories of human depth and development that we can all recognize, relate to and enjoy on many levels, regardless of lifestyle.

Girls Love Gay Male Porn

2008-05-25T23:41:00.003-04:00

My continued fascination with women who enjoy watching two men have sex. I wonder why there is not much talk about this. We see lots of discussion of straight men enjoying girl on girl sex calling it "lesbian porn". But what about women in general. Do they love gay male porn?

There was an article in The Village Voice:

Girls Love Gay Male Porn
Brokeback Mountain was just the beginning . . .
by Tristan Taormino
May 13th, 2008 12:00 AM

I just got back from a weekend at the University of California at Santa Barbara, where I attended "Console-ing Passions: An International Conference on Television, Audio, Video, New Media, and Feminism. It was three days of geeking out with academics about TV, the Internet, and various kinds of media studies—who knew that people are getting their Ph.D.'s in Battlestar Galactica and The Hills these days? Naturally, the first panel I went to was all about porn, with four scholars presenting papers on lesbian identity politics and pornography, the 1980s cult hit Café Flesh and its '90s sequel, the industry in Vietnam, and bad-boy director/current Justice Department target Max Hardcore, that last topic featuring the best title ever: "Scrunchies, Braces, and Throat Fucking: Performances of Girlhood in Gonzo Porn."

A bunch of women stuck around afterwards to continue the discussion that the panel had, um, stimulated, and we began talking about the kind of porn we all watched. Someone brought up the work of Shine Louise Houston's Pink and White Productions (pinkwhite.biz), a San Francisco–based company that describes its mission as creating "adult entertainment that exposes the complexities of queer sexual desire . . . dedicated to producing sexy and exciting images that reflect today's blurred gender lines and fluid sexualities." She thought it was amazing; I chimed in and said, "Yes, it's diverse, radical, and I totally applaud Houston's vision."

Another person chimed in: "Do you like fag porn? All my queer female friends do." Hers wasn't a surprising question. I know lesbians who dig it more than any other kind of hardcore fare. I briefly dated a genderqueer dyke who just loved gay male porn: She ran out and got the newest title from her favorite company the day it came out. In this case, she adored movies from Bel Ami (belamionline.com), which feature young, hairless European lads (think the boy-on-boy version of the straight barely-legal genre). The boys are very pretty and androgynous, and some of them could definitely be mistaken for dykes with their clothes on. But other girl-loving girls love über-butch men, leather daddies, and big hairy bears, so it's not always about androgyny. By now, I think it's commonplace to accept that queer women love queer male porn, but what is that all about?

First, let's acknowledge a practical reality: There isn't a whole lot of lesbian porn produced by and for lesbians, or that feels authentic to lesbian viewers. Some dykes can get their fix of queerness—both the lust and the cultural aesthetics—via gay porn, even though it features people of a different gender than those they fuck in real life. Queer is often attracted to queer first and foremost, like when the guy I lusted after in high school turned out to be gay—it makes sense in some way.

And speaking of gender, plenty of lesbians identify with various forms of masculinity: Their own gender expression may be at the masculine end of the spectrum, or they may like to fantasize and play with gender and sex. Gay porn gives them a range of masculine desires to relate to or lust after. For those dykes who themselves identify as fag—or who like butch/butch, boi/boi, or transman/transman sex—they can see a hyper-masculine version of their own sex lives and/or fantasies performed on the small screen.

The phenomenon of straight women who love gay male porn has been documented and was discussed plenty when flocks of females gushed over Brokeback Mountain. When women came out of their fag-loving closet, it illustrated the flip side of a common theory: Plenty of straight men love girl/girl porn because they want to see lots of who they lust after. The same is true for het women: They like to look at hot naked men fucking, and it doesn't really matter that they're fucking each other. I think it may also be true that while pornos full of romance and mood lighting are marketed to women, some prefer a sweaty, get-right-down-to-it romp in the locker room any day. Wired.com columnist Regina Lynn, author of Sexier Sex: Lessons from the Brave New Sexual Frontier, writes that it's not always about identifying with someone in a scene: "For me, gay porn has always been arousing because of its masculinity. The strength and power, plus the double dose of raw male drive and sexuality, add up to more than the sum of their parts."

On Nerve.com, journalist Kera Bolonik admits that she gets off with men onscreen, but not in real life: "Nothing makes me hotter than watching two men going at it. There is something really admirable about gay male porn, at least in principle: it's egalitarian. Everyone gets a turn at the top as well as at the bottom. Everyone comes, and often they do it together." I'm not sure this concept of equality is attractive to everyone (I personally like a hefty dose of power dynamics with my sex), but it supports the notion of seeing some kind of sameness, something non-heterosexual represented. And it also raises the issue that many women, regardless of their orientation, have with porn: their ambivalence or discomfort with seeing female performers when issues of consent, enjoyment, and pleasure are unclear. Somehow, our concerns and feminist politics don't overshadow the sex when women are absent (as if a man could not degrade or coerce another man, which is obviously flawed logic).

I like gay porn for the hot dudes, the overflow of testosterone, and the unapologetic sexual desire. I also like straight porn. But that's a subject for another column.

For more information on Tristan Taormino's work, please visit Puckerup.com.

“Why Girls Love Gay Porn”

2008-05-25T23:28:00.004-04:00

The following article from Playgirl Magazine is important for this blog on Straight Guise to understand that many women are attracted and aroused by two men engaging in sex with one another. I talked about it in an earlier posting about women who love to watch gay male porn.

“Why Girls Love Gay Porn”
By Clark Harding
Playgirl Magazine
November 15th, 2006

Here’s an excellent article I found in the online and hard copy

December Issue of Playgirl:

I’LL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME I RENTED gay porn. Pacing outside the campus video store, I was too scared to go in. I eventually built up my courage, made a dash for it, and quickly grabbed the first porno I saw. I thought I was in the clear when I reached the front of the checkout line until I heard “Oh hey, Clark!” from down the aisle. Fuck, I’d been caught red-handed— by two sorority girls, no less. “What ya watchin’?” they asked, cheerfully inspecting my pick of Lukas In Love. Suddenly their faces brightened.

“Oh my God! Gay porn?” one asked. My only answer was silence. “We LOVE gay porn!” They exclaimed. “You have to bring it over and we’ll all watch!” Before I could digest what was happening, I was whisked back to Delta Gamma for some studious viewing. Surrounded by sisters in pajamas, bowls of popcorn and posters of Justin Timberlake, they dimmed the lights with giggles of anticipation.

“I love Lukas Rigeston!” A blonde girl cried out as the credits rolled. “Shut up, Ion Davidov has a way bigger cock!” another one said. I had no idea who these porn stars were, but as soon as the bad dialogue subsided and anal penetration commenced, the room got eerily silent. The girls weren’t just watching this for a cheap laugh… they were getting off on it.

Heterosexual men notoriously love lesbian porn. Likewise, there is a small but substantial niche of women in America who watch gay guys do it. But we’re not talking women who casually entertain soft-core, voyeuristic fantasies; we’re talking women who actively rent videos, and subscribe to websites featuring hardcore, male-on-male action. “I don’t know any straight girls that don’t like gay porn,” says Rebecca Kraus, a San Francisco acupuncturist. “I especially like to watch older guys fuck younger guys,” she adds, “That’s what I think about when I masturbate.” But how can that be? Shouldn’t male-onmale action be exclusive to men? And isn’t gay male porn marketed to, well, gay guys? Where does this social phenomenon stem from?

While at home for the holidays, I dug around in the attic for my old psychology text books. Dusting them off, I came across Sigmund Freud’s theories of psychosexual development. There’s the “oral” stage, then the “anal” stage…wait, someone should rename this “The Different Stages of Gay Porn.” Frustrated, I kept flipping in search of “penis envy.” According to Freud, young girls around the age of four notice their difference in genitalia from men. In a subconscious effort to gain the love of their fathers, they sit around wishing they had a dick.

“Oh please,” says Leslie Friebert, a feisty New York publicist. “In straight porn the man consists of a penis and occasional dirty word spoken off screen. There’s no envy in that. I like seeing men be vulnerable.” Her friend Kate agrees, “There’s something so hot in objectifying the man.” Now there’s a switch! Freud’s theory has been widely criticized by feminists, of course, because women would never want their identity to be summed up as envious of men. But does the female viewing of homosexual, male sex neutralize this criticism, thus feminizing penis envy?

With an aching brain, I decided to jettison the archaic, clichéd views of sexual academia and find someone with contemporary experience: Chi Chi La Rue. Sometimes in drag, sometimes not, this über-famous porn director is prolific in both the straight and gay porn scenes. On Wednesday nights she can be found spinning at her Los Angeles night club Dirty Deeds, where I stalked her for an answer. “It’s simply having more of a good thing on screen, honey” she said, her lipstick glistening in the light. “And since it’s men, it’s nastier and dirtier. It’s the most animalistic and testosterone-filled as you’re gonna get.” As she spoke to me, I looked out over the crowd and noticed that her strip club was populated by a healthy crowd of women. It got me to thinking, is straight womens’ affinity for gay porn an affinity to gay culture in general?

Gay bars are constantly packed with fag hag tagalongs who are uniquely promiscuous without being labeled sluts. Could women be as horny as their testosterone- charged counterparts? “I want what I can’t have,” confesses Rebecca Kraus. “Gay men are everything you could want in straight men, so watching them screw is the ultimate expression of that.” Although this subculture of women may be increasing, that doesn’t mean it’s for every woman. “Oh no, my friends think I’m weird,” says Leslie, “ and I have to admit, I didn’t like it until I watched it a couple of times. Gay porn grows on you.” “It’s not just straight girls,” continues Chi Chi. “I know straight guys who like to watch gay porn with their girlfriends. Hell, I’ve even heard of lesbian couples who watch guys. What can I say, everyone likes to watch dudes fuck!”

And there I was, destined to have my first gay porn experience surrounded by straight, horny, sorority girls. What would Freud have to say about that? He’d just be envious.

PLAYGIRL Article Written by Clark Harding

When your spouse announces he is gay

2008-05-25T22:54:00.000-04:00

It has always been my stance that mixed orientation marriages do not have to seperate. This article supports that.

When your spouse announces he is gay

By Robert DiGiacomo

(LifeWire) -- When her husband of more than a decade revealed he was gay, Anna Marie Will was surprised -- but not shocked.

Jim and Anna Marie Will decided to stay together after he announced he was gay.

Her husband, Jim, had never fit her stereotypical idea of the sports-loving, macho, straight guy, and the two had even gone to gay bars with a friend who was gay. But that didn't mean she was prepared for the news.

"Neither one of us had a clue -- he didn't know what being gay meant for him. ... He needed to figure that out," recalls Anna Marie Will, of Sacramento, California. "I needed to figure out what his being gay meant for me, and whether I could incorporate that into my life and my marriage."
What they did know was that they believed in their marriage and wanted to make it work. Jim Will's revelation in 2001 began a three-year process during which they sorted out their feelings for each other. Ultimately, the couple, whose daughter turns 15 in March, decided to stay together.

"He had to learn to talk to me -- he had spent so many years not saying what was really on his mind, and not dealing with his true feelings," says Anna Marie Will, now 39, a worker's compensation program administrator. "We found out once we got past all that, our marriage was so much better. We still loved each other as people and partners."

Although Jim Will, 39, a secretary, had known on some level about his true orientation since he was 5, he didn't want to lose his deep bond with Anna Marie, whom he first befriended when they were in high school.

"When we married, and now still, we feel that we could spend the rest of our lives together," he says. "We want to be together."

The Wills' commitment to making their mixed-orientation marriage work over the long haul is more the exception for couples in this situation.

Nearly all couples decide to end their marriage by the third year of a spouse coming out, according to informal research conducted by Amity Pierce Buxton, a founder of and spokeswoman for the Straight Spouse Network, a support group that claims to reach about 7,000 spouses.

Even if the union is likely to end because one spouse is gay or lesbian, Buxton and her group try to help couples resolve their feelings in as positive a manner as possible.

The straight spouse is likely to feel that his or her sexual orientation has been rejected, says Buxton, whose first marriage ended in the early '80s after her husband came out. The straight spouse often also feels deceived and questions his or her beliefs about gender, as well as assumptions about the relationship: Wasn't I enough of a woman to keep him from straying? Wasn't I man enough to keep her from "turning"?

"After the initial shock, they gradually get to face the reality of the changes," says Buxton, author of "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families."

"Once they realize they can't go back, only then can they start ... deciding what's best for them."
What Should You Tell the Kids?

Mixed-orientation couples like the Wills who also are parents must figure out what -- if anything -- to tell the kids about their relationship.

If the gay or lesbian spouse is not planning to act on his or her orientation, it may not be necessary to explain the situation at all, according to Shara Sand, a clinical assistant professor of psychology at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, Albert Einstein College of Medicine, at Yeshiva University.

For couples who agree on an open relationship, they may feel they have to broach the subject with their child. But Sand believes it's not advisable to do so before he or she reaches age 10, or the point at which they are capable of understanding abstract concepts.

"I might say something like, 'Mom and Dad still love each other very much... but we have a need to be close to other people. Some people have relationship where it's okay to live with someone and also be close to other people'," Sand suggests.

At no time should the couple discuss their sex life with their kids.

"I do think we've become a little boundary-less," Sand says. "I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for children to be led into the intimate part of their parents' relationship ever. Even if you have an open marriage, and you go out swinging, it's not something you necessarily tell your children."

One thing's familiar -- compromise

The Wills didn't talk much about their situation for about three months while Anna Marie Will began to come to terms with it. Then they started a series of discussions about the future of their relationship -- talks that were helped when she consulted the Straight Spouse Network and Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. The Wills set aside a time each week to discuss their feelings, rather than have the issue dominate their daily lives.

Eventually, they decided to have an open relationship, in which either could seek companionship from other people, and to continue their marriage on both an emotional and a sexual level.

Nevertheless, Jim identifies himself as gay, not bisexual. Anna Marie is straight.

"Both of us are free to do whatever we choose," Anna Marie Will says. "I haven't strayed beyond the marriage because I'm happy with the marriage in a mental and physical capacity."

Jim Will says he has had encounters with men but has not pursued a full-fledged relationship.
"To this day, I have a very difficult time going out," he says. "It's not cheating because she knows what I'm doing, but something about it is not right for me, and then the experience doesn't seem worth it.

"I feel like I need to find the balance somehow of living both sides," he says.

The Wills' relationship, albeit nontraditional, seems to be like most marriages in one respect: It's all about compromise.

"You can't help who you love," Anna Marie Will says. "I can't imagine sharing a sunrise or sunset, or good day or bad day, with anyone else.

"When you find that person, you know that's it."

Says her husband: "Your relationship can be different from everyone else's, and if it works for you in your heart, that's what you do."

It's a "Guy Thing", not a "Gay Thing"!

2008-05-25T22:44:00.000-04:00

Public Sex Confidential

Overnight, senator Larry Craig became the poster boy for public sex. But as Benoit Denizet-Lewis reminds us, the phenomenon is anything but new -- and it's not just a closeted republican thing. So what is it that still drives some in the gay community out of the bedroom and into the Bathroom?

By Benoit Denizet-Lewis
From The Advocate January 15, 2008

Benoit Denizet-Lewis interviewed me on gay men and public sex. Here are excerpts from the article in the Advocate:

“Public sex is alive and well,” says Joseph Couture, author of Peek Inside the Private World of Public Sex.. “Authorities are becoming more creative and
effective at policing it, but horny men are very resourceful. You can have all
the gay marriage you want, but public sex isn’t going anywhere.”
Some assumed that the Internet would do away with the need for sex in the bushes.
After all, why leave the house when you can have your man delivered? Others
hoped that as American society became more accepting of gay people, fewer gay
men would engage in furtive, anonymous encounters. But websites directing men to
public sex places continue to be popular, universities are redesigning their
bathrooms to make them less conducive to cruising, and every month brings news
of police crackdowns like the one in Johnson City, Tenn., where 40 men were
arrested in 2007 for indecent behavior in area parks.
At least one mayor,
Fort Lauderdale, Fla.’s Jim Naugle, proposed drastic measures to deal with the
rampant “homosexual activity” in public restrooms. He wanted to spend $250,000
of the city’s money on self-cleaning robotic bathrooms designed with doors that
automatically open every few minutes, theoretically making sex inside them
impossible. Naugle noted that he prefers the word homosexual to the word gay,
because, he insists, most gay people are actually “unhappy.” Outraged, gay
activists began the “Flush Naugle’s Bigotry” campaign and encouraged people to
send rolls of toilet paper to the mayor’s office to help him “wipe his dirty
mind clean.”
So what explains the pull of public sex for gay men? Why do
some of us risk arrest, humiliation, gay bashings, and sexually transmitted
diseases in order to get off in the shadows?
It’s no secret that risk and danger are aphrodisiacs for many people and that public sex offers an adrenaline rush. But Kort, the psychotherapist, believes there’s a more powerful force to explain why some gay men spend much of their free time cruising public places for sex and why they regularly risk arrest to do so. One man cited in Tewksbury’s study, for example, had been arrested three times for cruising in the same park.
“What no one wants to really talk about is the role that sexual compulsion and addiction plays in this,” Kort says. “I would argue that a majority of men who regularly engage in public sex are either addicted to the rush, the escape, or the shame of public sex. Many gay men will go to great lengths to say that this is a behavior that they enjoy, that they want to be doing this, but if you probe deeper, they’re not happy. This isn’t an activity that makes them feel good about themselves, but they can’t stop doing it.”
Kort adds that many self-identified adult gay men mistakenly believe that by coming out of the closet, they got over whatever self-hate and shame they’d felt growing up gay in a straight world. Anonymous public sex, Kort says, is sometimes a way for gay men to play out shame and self-hate -- to essentially retraumatize themselves. “I call it returning to the scene of the crime -- the crime scene being our childhoods, where we were often degraded or humiliated for being different and where we were told hundreds of negative messages about how gay life is only about sex and how we’ll never find true love and don’t deserve a quality life,” Kort says. “The trauma of our childhoods get sexualized, and we express it at 3 a.m. on a cold night with a stranger in a park or in a rank bathroom along a highway.”

Books referred to in this article:

Born in the USSA! (Unwanted Same Sex Attractions)

2008-05-25T22:43:00.000-04:00

No this is not a Bruce Springsteen song!

USSA stands for Unwanted Same Sex Attractions.

Sadly, the organizations which support them are mostly anti-gay and teach that there is nothing positive or okay about anyone being lesbian or gay.

This is where I part ways with these types of reparative therapies and exgay organizations. I believe that there are those with same sex attractions (SSA) and with the right therapy can rid themselves of them. However for those who are successful there were not gay from the start in my judgment. Perhaps they were bisexual or sexual abuse survivors or many other reasons men and women have sexual interest in the same gender.

A disturbing website exists titled, "SameSexAttraction.org" which states the following:

What is Same-sex Attraction?

Same-sex attraction is an intense interest in others of the same gender. This
interest may include desires for their attention, friendship, intimacy, and/or a
fascination with their bodies and other gender traits. It may also include
erotic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors directed toward the same gender. The
psychological community uses the term homosexuality to refer to the entire
complex that includes attractions, feelings, desires, sexual behavior, identity,
and all its associated aspects, such as problems with masculinity,
self-perception, emotional dependencies, and relationship issues.

A person who experiences same-sex attraction may experience emotional and sexual feelings or attractions, and may or may not engage in sexual behavior. Same-sex attraction cannot be identified simply by the presence or absence of outward
sexual behavior. Read a more complete description of what is same-sex
attraction.

So far in reading this I agree and I believe there are those who fall into this category and could be acting out homosexually and not be gay or bisexual.

However, the website turns to a chill toward gays and lesbians when you click on a page that says the following:

The plight of gay people

Gays and lesbians suffer, often unjustly and unfairly. In addition to
their difficult internal struggles, they also encounter the ignorance and
prejudice of others. Instead of receiving love and support from their families,
they are often ostracized. Rather than being involved in supportive church
groups, they find themselves on the outside because even good Christians often
don’t know how to react to someone with same-sex attraction.

Gay people are sometimes evicted by landlords, fired by employers, and
even face violent physical attacks. Hate crimes are increasing and some people
use AIDS
as an excuse to show their hatred.1 Less than 2% of the gay population survives
to age 65. They are 116 times more likely to be murdered and 24 times more
likely to commit suicide than the average person.2 It is a difficult lifestyle
where AIDS and other factors cause suffering and premature death.3 The
collective anger over mistreatment and the frustration caused by their internal
struggles are powerful forces behind the gay rights movement.

They use misinformation, lies, and scare tactics to persuade everyone struggling with same sex attractions that they are really straight and that there is nothing good about being gay.

I believe in "outing" these organizations and will do so from time to time on this blog to show how harmful they are.

I believe that men and women who struggle with same sex attraction deserve to have the path of heterosexuality and homosexuality open to them and they they deserve to find their way on their own with guides who do not have an agenda!

I am hopeful that myself and those reading my blog and books are those guides.

Straight Men Who Have Sex with Men (SMSM)

2008-05-01T13:31:00.004-04:00

I submitted an article which was accepted at www.GLBTQ.com on straight men who have sex with men.

Men Who Have Sex with Men (MSM) is a term derived from the growing body of
literature showing that not all men who have sex with men are gay. Adopted by
sex researchers and AIDS organizations to classify men who have sexual relations
with other men but whose sexual identity is neither gay nor bisexual, the
acronym recognizes a reality that complicates our tendency to divide the world
into heterosexuals and homosexuals, with a small number of bisexuals, who are
sometimes thought of as simply gay men or lesbians who have not come to terms
with their homosexuality. That is, the reality of sexual activity is more
complicated than the traditional binary (or even trinary) system of nomenclature
can accommodate.

This article focuses on straight men who have sexual
relations with men (SMSM). They are not gay nor are they bisexual, though their
behavior might be seen as bisexual or homosexual.

To read on click here

Sexual Addiction explained by Sock Puppet Porn Addicts: HUMOR

2008-04-13T09:09:00.002-04:00

A humorous video about sexual addiction.

Flex Sex

2008-03-23T22:17:00.002-04:00

Psychologist Robert Epstein uses the term, "Flex Sex" where men and women can have sexual contact with the same gender and not be gay or bisexual.

He was on the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet and talked about what I refer to as Straight Guise. I liked the way he verbalized men who have sex with men who are not gay.

He also has a sexual orientation survey on his website.

Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts

2008-02-12T12:57:00.001-05:00

I am excited to announce the upcoming release of another book which I contributed to edited by Dr. Stephanie Carnes called, Mending a Shattered Heart.

ISBN: 0-9774-4006-9
$16.95
http://www.gentlepath.com/

About the Book:

Where do I go from here?

You are not alone. Thousands of
unsuspecting people wake up every day to discover their loved one, the one
person that they are supposed to trust completely, has been living a life of
lies and deceit because they suffer from a disease - a disease called sex
addiction. Stefanie Carnes brings together several authors to guide the
reader through an assortment of topics like “How Do I Handle This?” and “What Do
I Tell the Kids?”

The chapter I wrote is:

Straight Guise: Is My Partner Gay?

This chapter will help the partners of these men, first by separating the two types of men: men who are gay and bisexual; and men who are heterosexual who seek sex with other men. The difference is one of sexual orientation versus sexual preference. It will also help women develop a deeper understanding of their partners’ behaviors and recognize that it can have many meanings, and that it may not mean the relationship has to end.

It will answer the following questions:

What does it mean when men seek sex with other men?

What are some reasons men have sex with other men?

What is erotic intelligence?

Why did I marry a gay man?

What does my family history have to do with this?

“The Seven-Year Switch”: The Gradually Gay Husband. Why do Gay Men Marry Straight Women?

Disclosure: How Do I Go From the Down Low to In The Know?

On some level, I feel as though this is my fault. How do I keep from blaming myself?

Now that I know, where do I go from here?

,

Men Against Sexual Violence: Sexually Abused Males

2008-01-26T14:01:00.000-05:00

I found an excellent site about raped and sexually abused males that every therapist and male who has raped or been raped should have as a resource.

The site at which I found the following is Men Against Sexual Violence http://www.menagainstsexualviolence.org/myths.html

MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT MALE VICTIMS OF RAPE

Rape happens because of an uncontrollable desire for sex with an irresistible victim.

Rape is an act of violence in which sex becomes the weapon used to control and or harm a victim the rapist perceives as vulnerable.

Men and boys cannot be raped.

One in six men report having been sexually abused by the time they were 18 (Finkelhor et al., 1990).

Anyone from infants to the elderly, regardless of gender, race, religion, socio-economic status, education, physical appearance, marital status, or culture can be raped. Rapists choose their victims carefully, looking for anything that will make the victim vulnerable and give them the advantage. They isolate their victims from bystanders who could help them, and rely upon shock, surprise, weapons, threats, strength, or positions of authority to counter the victim’s ability to resist.

Homosexual males perpetrate most sexual abuse of boys.

Men who sexually abuse males are usually pedophiles or persons who prefer a child as their sexual partner, not homosexual males. Most perpetrators know their victims (Groth et al., 1989) (Roesler et al., 1994).

A man or boy who experiences sexual arousal or orgasm during the abusive act enjoyed it.

Males may respond to stimulation even when it is abusive or violent. A man or boy who experiences sexual arousal may feel shame and guilt, but the arousal does not mean that he was willing or enjoyed it (Gartner, 1999).

Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual.

A boy may question or be confused about his sexual identity and orientation after having been abused by a male, especially if he experienced sexual arousal. But there is no reason to believe that sexual abuse causes homosexuality (Gartner, 1999).

Boys who are sexually abused will grow up to be sexual abusers.

While the majority of sexual abusers were abused themselves, the majority of sexually abused boys never become perpetrators (Lisak et al., 1996).

If the perpetrator is a female, the boy should consider himself lucky, not abused.

Our societal norms encourage a boy to deny any negative or traumatic responses to having been “so lucky,” to having earned a “badge of honor.” But, having been coerced or manipulated into sex by an older girl or woman is always abusive and often damaging (Lisak et al., 1996).

Sexual Fludity

2008-01-01T23:41:00.000-05:00

Even though the following article and interview with Lisa Diamond is primarily about women, I believe that men are not far off from sexual fluidity.

Q&A with Lisa Diamond
By Pagan Kennedy

December 30, 2007

IN 1995, LISA DIAMOND traversed New York State in a beat-up car,
visiting softball games, picnics, and gay-pride parades. She was hunting for
young women who had experienced same-sex attraction (even if it was fleeting).
Diamond wanted to find out how such women understand - and label - their own
desires.
more stories like this
In this country, we tell a certain story
about homosexuality: We believe that people who come out as gay almost always
stick with that gay identity for the rest of their lives. Diamond's research
reveals that - at least for some females - that story might be wrong.
She
followed dozens of women for 10 years, as they graduated from college, worked
their first jobs, fell in love, changed their minds, and tumbled into the arms
of new partners. Most women's behavior had little to do with the "gay for life"
story. Some switched their sexual identity many times. In fact, when asked to
define themselves as "gay," "straight" or "bisexual," a number of women refused
to take any label at all. Others invented their own labels; for instance, one
interviewee called herself a "reluctant heterosexual."
About one-fourth of
the women reported that their choice of sexual partners had nothing to do with
gender. "Deep down," said one woman, "it's just a matter of who I meet and fall
in love with, and it's not their body, it's something behind the eyes." These
women often had no words for the way their hearts were wired.
As soon as
Diamond began publishing in academic journals, she discovered just how
controversial - and easy to distort - her findings might be. Christian-right
groups have trumpeted her data as proof that homosexuality is optional. Her
research has become fodder for therapists who claim to be able to "cure" gay men
by turning them straight. In a forthcoming book, "Sexual Fluidity," the University of Utah professor talks back to all those who have misrepresented her
data. Sexual attraction may be quirky and mercurial, she says, but it is
certainly not under our control.

.

IDEAS: Who was the most interesting woman in your study?

DIAMOND: There was one [straight] woman who moved in with her best friend during her first year in college. And for reasons that she still doesn't understand, it spilled over into physical intimacy. For two years, the women were lovers in every sense of the word, and both of them were very happy with the relationship. She kept it secret from everybody in her life. And the whole time she was thinking, "I don't know if this makes me a lesbian, because [my friend] is the only woman I have feelings for." Eventually the relationship dissolved, but they're still best friends. She's now married. Her friend is engaged. She doesn't regret what happened; it was an important part of her history....It remains this sweet secret the two women share.

IDEAS: So she was one of the women who exhibited "person-based attraction" - that is, she fell in love with the personality of her friend, so much so that gender didn't matter?
more stories like this

DIAMOND: Yes, she's a perfect example of that. She was attracted to just this one woman.

IDEAS: When you started your research, did you expect to find heterosexuals who loved other women and lesbians who had flings with men?

DIAMOND: There's long been a stereotype about women who say, "I don't know if I'm a lesbian, but I have this incredible attraction to my best friend Amy." The classic response is everyone rolls their eyes and says, "Yeah right. You're just afraid to come out [as a lesbian]." But I think that phenomenon truly does exist. It does appear to be the way sexuality operates for some women.

IDEAS: Over the years, most of the women you interviewed changed their labels. For instance, Sheila, one of your subjects, first identified as bisexual; then two years later described herself as attracted to women; later, she became engaged to a man; and still later, she decided she really wanted to date women.

DIAMOND: Yes, that's right. By the 10th year of the study, two-thirds of the respondents had changed their identity label at least once.

IDEAS: What causes women to switch?

DIAMOND: A lot of this, I think, has to do with the fact that even women with lesbian orientations often reported somewhat bisexual patterns of attraction....Some women said, "You can't really call yourself a 'lesbian sleeping with a man,' even if that's what you think is the best description of the situation." So they'd stop labeling themselves altogether.

IDEAS: Did you realize that your findings would be so controversial?

DIAMOND: As I started to analyze the interviews, I was fully aware of the political implications of the material. But there were also political implications to staying silent. I had a lot of women say, "I don't think you should interview me. I'm weird. I'm going to mess up your study because I'm different from other women." They thought that what they were experiencing in their lives made them deviant. They felt like, "I've already failed as a heterosexual and now I'm failing as a lesbian." They had no idea that they were absolutely normal. We need to make sure that young women realize that their experiences are normal.

IDEAS: Did you have moments when you were listening to a woman tell her story and you thought, "Oh no, I can see how the Christian right is going to distort this and use it for their own ends"?

DIAMOND: When I would write up my articles, I would think, "Oh man, the worst-case scenario is for someone to twist this data around." And then it would happen. It would wake me up at night. How am I going to control this? One of my colleagues said, "All you can do is represent your research as best you can." That's one of the reasons I wanted to write up my findings for a general audience in this book. I want to make it clear that just because some women exhibit fluid sexual attraction, it doesn't mean that sexual orientation is a "lifestyle choice."

IDEAS: How else are you spreading the message?

DIAMOND: I speak at high schools as well as gay and lesbian youth groups. There's nothing more gratifying than when a person comes up to me after a talk and says, "For so many years, I thought I was the only one. And now I know I'm not." I live for those moments. When I hear from a couple of women like that, I know why I'm doing this research.
Pagan Kennedy is the author of nine books, most recently "The First Man-Made Man." She can be reached through her website, home.comcast.net/~pagankennedy
.

© Copyright 2007 Globe Newspaper Company.

Is Public Sex Okay?

2007-12-23T15:42:00.000-05:00

After taking the poll if you want to elaborate on why you think it is okay or not please feel free to do so here on this blog. I would love to hear people's thoughts and reactions.

Also, there are reports that men who have sex with men are arrested moreso than if women having sexual relations with men are when discovered by police. Gay groups state that straight folks get a finger shaking warning and are told to go home whereas men who have sex with men get arrested.

Do you believe this? Why do you think this is? Gay groups site homophobia. Is there more to it than this?

Gay men seek straight men in public restrooms

2007-12-23T15:31:00.000-05:00

In an article appearing in the Advocate's year end issue by Benoit Denizet-Lewis From The Advocate January 15, 2008 entitled, Public Sex Confidential

Denizet-Lewis asks:

So what is it that still drives some in the gay community out of the bedroom and into the Bathroom?

And the article is a well-researched response to some of the reasons. One is how compelling it is for gay men to find straight men in public bathrooms:

One powerful motivating factor for many gay men seeking sex in public
places is the belief that they will find the ultimate sexual prize there:
“straight” men. You won’t bump into many married or self-identified straight
guys in gay bars, but you will find them in public sex places, where they
believe their anonymity is best protected, and where they can get
no-strings-attached gay sex without the hassle of having to actually talk to gay
people (many public sex encounters are done without exchanging a word).

“The reality is that gay men are tripping over each other in public
places to service the guys that carry themselves in the most masculine way
possible, the guys that they believe will then go home to their wives or their
straight lives,” says Joe Kort, a psychotherapist and the author of 10 Smart
Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives.

“Straight guys are the ultimate unavailable man, but for a few minutes
in the darkness gay men can have them. And for many gay men it’s the first time,
and the only real place, where they will feel seen, accepted, and validated as
sexual people by straight men. But in the context of public sex, it’s a twisted
form of validation.”

Undercover cops looking to arrest men engaged in public sex understand
that appearing straight carries currency in parks and bathrooms. Richard
Tewksbury’s study “Conversation at the Oasis” -- published in the March 22,
2007, issue of The Journal of Men’s Studies -- details the following
conversation between a cruiser and an undercover police officer on a park nature
trail:

Suspect: You come down here much?

Officer: This is my first time. I just heard about it on the
Internet.

Suspect: You’re a good-looking man.

Officer: Thanks. My wife thinks so too.

The study surveyed police records of 127 cases of public gay sex in a
California city between 1995 and 2005. Tewksbury found that awareness of the
potential for arrest “does not appear to deter cruising activity,” which might
explain why Couture and others don’t believe that Larry Craig’s arrest will keep
men from seeking out public sex. On the contrary, Couture says. “Thanks to good
old Larry Craig,” he tells me, “every man in the United States now knows exactly
how to go about getting sex in a bathroom.”

Homosexual Anxiety Disorder

2007-12-15T07:03:00.000-05:00

I have posted about Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the past. Although not a formal diagnosis in psychology, there are a growing number of straight men who suffer from this disorder.

I found an excellent resource outlining it at http://www.neuroticplanet.com/hocd.php.

Homosexuality Anxiety

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Takes Many Forms

Obsessive-compulsive
disorder involves intrusive thoughts that are unwanted and distressing to
the individual. Sometimes these thoughts take the form of persistent notions
about having a different sexual orientation. For example, a person who has had
many years of satisfied, opposite sex relationships might suddenly start to
worry that he or she is actually homosexual. Some people who have this
manifestation of OCD have taken to calling this "HOCD" or "Homosexual OCD."
HOCD is not a scientific term, but has evolved out of the OCD community as a way
to describe the distress caused by anxieties over unwanted thoughts about being
gay.
Clinicians, educators, and people with HOCD can use the table below to
better understand differences between the experience of someone with HOCD and
the experience of someone with a homosexual sexual identity. Note that this is
not a clinical screening instrument as it has not been validated for use in this
manner, and not all items will apply to every person. Furthermore, the second
column applies to a relatively well-adjusted gay person. A homosexual person
with severe internalized homophobia may not be well represented in either
category.

To read the table they created to outline the difference between a Homosexual Orientation and Homosexual Anxiety OCD go to NeuroticPlanet.com

Are ex-gays aligned with New Warrior Adventure Mankind Project

2007-12-05T10:35:00.000-05:00

The reason for my blogging these articles about MKP is that I want men to know that it is a safe place for all men to attend whether you are gay, bi, straight, questioning or a man who has unwanted sexual attractions to men. Sexual and romantic orientation is not what the workshops are about. It is about becoming mature men who find direction in their personal journey.

Last week Wayne Besen, author of Anything But Straight, a book exposing ex-gay reparative groups, wrote a column about The New Warrior Adventure called, Nude Warrior Adventure, which included some material which was not true.

In the column, Besen discussed the troubling ties ManKind's New Warriors program has with ex-gay ministries, which aggressively tout the retreat in their efforts to supposedly instill masculinity in their clients.

Besen has since learned and now written that this any ties from MKP to exgay groups is false. He has since written a second column about it.

Here is Wayne Besen's follow up column to the first article:

Last week, I wrote about the ManKind Project, a weekend retreat that tries to jolt men into dealing with deep personal issues. In the column, I discussed the troubling ties ManKind's New Warriors program has with ex-gay ministries, which aggressively tout the retreat in their efforts to supposedly instill masculinity in their clients.

It turns out, however, that the love affair may be one sided. The ManKind Project does not support ex-gay therapy and does not believe that their program helps gay men go straight. Indeed, New Warriors has a large gay following and many who attended consider it helpful to their coming out experience.

I received more than 25 letters from gay men who said that the program helped them accept their sexual orientation."The ManKind Project gave me the confidence and wherewithal to finally say, 'I am a gay man,'" said one participant from Wisconsin."The program helped me become a better husband,' wrote another gay man from the Washington, DC area. "As I knocked down the walls, I became more comfortable with myself and able to give 100 percent to my partner.

The program literally saved my relationship."These letters are incongruous with the cheerleading ManKind receives from homophobic ex-gay groups, such as Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH) and the website People Can Change. In fact, People Can Change director Ben Newman, who served as a trainee and co-staffer in the New Warrior program, started the ex-gay retreat, "Journey Into Manhood" with several other New Warriors.

So, is the ManKind Project's New Warriors program gay affirming or does it cater to ex-gay fringe groups? I posed this question in a conference call with the group's Executive Director Carl Griesser.

Well-known gay author Joe Kort - a vocal proponent of the organization - was also in on the conversation. Griesser said he was troubled by the way ex-gay ministries had been promoting his group and that his organization did not support the ex-gay cause. He suggested they had misinterpreted what his group meant by instilling masculinity in men."There is a difference between masculinity and sexual orientation," Griesser said on the call. He pointed out that almost every New Warriors training session has at least one openly gay or bisexual man.

Kort, a psychotherapist, passionately defended the organization as a group that helps men "live in honesty and integrity...whatever their sexual orientation is." "Straight men and gay men are all welcome and come together helping each other be part of the male culture even with the differences," explained Kort.

In fact, New Warriors has a position statement that flat out says, "We do not and will not attempt to change a man's sexual orientation." However, this statement is not currently on the group's website, making it difficult to know that ManKind is not an adjunct of the ex-gay ministries. Griesser said he would take this issue up with ManKind officials in a call later this week. I certainly hope that they take this issue seriously, as not to cause any confusion of what the group stands for. In my previous column, I also discussed how the organization had some unorthodox activities.

This includes:** Blindfolded walking tours in the nude** Men sitting in a circle discussing their sexual histories while passing a wooden dildo called "The Cock"** Naked men beating cooked chickens with a hammerWhile this may seem bizarre to outsiders, Kort and Griesser defended the activities as helping men accept their bodies."There is so much shame about the body," said Griesser. "The nudity put me and others in an honest space to deal with the shame...the goal is to take men's sexuality out of the shadows."

Critics also point to the harsher aspects of the program, such as meeting participants with men in dark clothing and painted faces."We want to shake men up," said Griesser. "They can only be awakened if we shake them out of their routine." There is also the problem of a lawsuit by the family of a Texas man who committed suicide after attending the program. They are charging that New Warriors is administering therapy without trained professionals. "This is therapeutic, but not therapy," Griesser said. "It is a legal issue that will be addressed in this case."

Whatever one thinks of the group's tactics, it is clear that many gay men find it beneficial. It is also a relief that what ostensibly appears to be a program sympathetic to ex-gay ministries, is actually opposed to them. However, the ManKind Project must do more to publicly distance themselves from these dangerous groups. To downplay how ex-gay organizations have latched on to them, leaves the ManKind Project naked and fully exposed to criticism it might not deserve.

The Mankind Project's Position Statement on Reparative Therapy

2007-12-01T00:02:00.000-05:00

The ManKind Project
Position Statement on Reparative Therapy

The ManKind Project adopts the following position statement:

We affirm that all men are welcome on our trainings and in our communities.

We create trainings and circles in which all men are welcome to discover the deepest truths. We welcome men of all sexual orientations: gay, straight, and bisexual, including those who identify as having unwanted same sex attraction, to do their own work as they define it, to respect the identity and value of others, and to take responsibility for the impact their words and behaviors on others.

We support each man in pursuing his path to deeper authenticity. We do not provide therapy nor endorse any particular therapy, including reparative therapy. Any group or organization that states or implies otherwise does so without our permission.

We do not, and will not, attempt to change a man’s sexual orientation.

We stand firm in support of gay and bisexual men. We support men who believe that homosexuality is a normal part of the spectrum of human sexuality and of mature masculinity.

We will not tolerate proselytizing for any religion or belief, organizing training staff into groups that exclude others, guiding men’s processes in a predetermined direction, or grooming men for the training.

We will not tolerate discrimination on our trainings or in our communities. We support our training and community leaders in identifying and challenging discriminatory language and behavior.

Mankind Project's New Warrior Adventure: The Best Program for all Men!

2007-11-30T23:42:00.000-05:00

Lately the New Warrior Adventure--sponsored by the Mankind Project (MKP)--has been getting some negative press. The false belief that is being written is that it promotes reparative therapy and helps gay men turn straight. This is the promise given by some reparative therapy groups and therapists. However, this is completely untrue. The MKP teaches men how to be and live as better men--whatever their sexual and romantic orientation is.

I should know. I was initiated through the MKP in 1999 and am proud of it. I have referred hundreds of men through my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love, in which I talk throughout the book of my experiences in MKP and how it helped me and healed me. I have recommended to my male clients that they go and they have returned with nothing more than positive results.

The New Warrior Training Adventure provided me with a group of men, mostly straight, whose mission in life is to help men become better and more mature. Still, I went to this workshop not knowing what to expect—and I’m glad I didn’t. That is exactly what made it so powerful for me. This workshop changed my life, liberated me as a man among men, and opened up new possibilities for me.

Here I was, able to have straight men love me, hold me, and help me feel part of the male culture. It is what I’d wanted and waited for all my life. It helped me heal some work I needed to bond and attach reciprocally with other men.

I can hear a reparative therapist right now saying, “See, it was too late. If Joe had had this experience earlier in life, he wouldn’t have turned out gay.” The truth is that as children, the other men attending also had suffered at the hands of male peers, and most were straight.

To believe that mistreatment makes you gay, you would have to go back and look for the reasons why—first assuming that there’s something wrong with being gay. When heterosexual males suffer mistreatment, no one bothers trying to establish through research that it made them straight.

When I was ten, I went on a camping trip with my uncle and his two sons on a sort of Boy Scout trip with boys and their fathers. I recall dreading it, since I knew this uncle didn’t like me and disapproved of my “sissy” behavior. I remember him talking to my mother and the other adults about me, and most of them in fact agreeing with him!

My own family referred to me as a “mama’s boy.” So to please my mother and those trying to “make a man out of me,” I went on this trip, which turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life. For the canoeing part of the trip, everyone was paired up except me.

Somehow I was separated from my uncle’s boys and got partnered with Uncle Alvin himself.
I recall both of us in life jackets, and feeling the boat tip one way and then the other as my uncle shifted in his seat behind me as he paddled. Being that I was a skinny ten year old and he weighed at least 300 pounds, my uncle’s weight rocked the canoe. I became frightened. Most of the time, I couldn’t see the bottom of the lake. We were alone, with no other canoes in sight.

Sure enough, he leaned too far to one side and we tipped over.

I went under. When I surfaced with the help of the life jacket, I saw the canoe overturned and my uncle trying to right it. I knew we were in deep water, since I couldn’t touch the lake bottom, and I was afraid I would drown. My uncle looked afraid and not in control, which only scared me more. The next thing I recall is both of us back in the canoe, and my uncle yelling at me because I was crying from being scared. For what seemed like hours, he said cutting things such as, “You will never amount to anything. You are a sissy! All you like to do is play house and play with dolls! You are a crybaby, a mama’s boy!” He shouted these patronizing, contemptuous epithets at me, over and over.

As a child you believe what adults say. To a child, adults are always right; so the child makes himself wrong.If the child is right, then the adults in charge must be wrong—and to a preadolescent, that is too overwhelming. So the child unconsciously agrees to be wrong in order to get along with the adults. When we arrived back on land, I was too humiliated to tell a soul about Alvin’s barrage of verbal and emotional abuse. It was as if he’d said aloud what I knew others thought about me—and, in fact—what I felt and believed about myself. I had been crying hard, and my cousin, Alvin’s son, still tells me how shaken I looked when we returned. All I wanted was to get away from him and everyone else.

For years afterward, this incident was the topic of much of my own therapy. Initially, therapists thought this had contributed to my homosexuality—that Alvin’s verbal abuse contributed to and cemented the homosexual identity taking place during my early years.

Today, reparative therapists (and even some other professionals) would say that all of this trauma made me gay; but this would mean that you can shape sexual and romantic orientation. But it doesn’t, because this type of mistreatment happens to any male who doesn’t fit the image of how men should look and act; it doesn’t shape his sexual and romantic orientation.

The fact is, gays and lesbians who raise their own (or adopted) children almost invariably have sons and daughters who grow up straight. Growing up in gay or straight families doesn’t impact children’s sexual orientation either way—but mistreating a gay or effeminate little boy certainly creates low self-esteem, which makes him feel less than a man. Again, this is separate from one’s sexual interests. What makes things worse for gay men is the covert cultural sexual abuse that allows men to be violent to gay males as if we were less than human.

Trying to heal that abuse from my uncle and male peers in therapy did not make me straight. But it did help me understand how those incidents traumatized my masculinity, not my sexual orientation; these are two related but separate entities.

I highly recommend all men who feel they want to improve their lives to attend the New Warrior Adventure and see for themselves the hope, the help and the love that these men who--other than the leaders--volunteer their time and efforts to make these workshops happen--

Over one-third of former American football players had sexual relations with men, study says

2007-11-26T10:28:00.000-05:00

A new scientific study performed by Dr. Anderson in the UK of former high-school American Football players has found that more than a third said they had had sexual relations with other men.

In his study of homosexuality among sportsmen in the US, sociologist Dr Eric Anderson found that 19 in a sample of 47 had taken part in acts intended to sexually arouse other men, ranging from kissing to mutual masturbation and oral sex.

The 47 men, aged 18-23, were all American Football players who previously played at the high school (secondary school) level but had failed to be picked for their university’s team and were now cheerleaders instead. They were at various universities from the American south, Mid-West, west and north west.

Dr Anderson, now of the University of Bath, UK, said the study showed that society’s increasing open-mindedness about homosexuality and decreasing stigma concerning sexual activity with other men had allowed sportsmen to speak more openly about these sexual activities. He found that this sex came in the form of two men and one woman, as well as just two men alone. He said that the sexual acts described differed from acts of ‘hazing’ or team-bonding that often include pretend-homosexual acts.

"These findings differ from previous research on North American men who have sex with men, in several ways. First, previous research describes heterosexual men in heterogeneous group sex as men symbolically engaging in sexual practices with other men. However, I find informants actually engage in sexual activity with other men. But this does not mean that they are gay.

“Second, my informants do not feel that their same-sex sex jeopardizes their socially perceived heterosexual identities, at least within the cheerleading culture. In other words, having gay sex does not automatically make them gay in masculine peer culture.”

Dr Anderson, of the University’s Department of Education, said the same situation was also true for the UK.

“Men have traditionally been reluctant to do anything associated with homosexuality because they feared being perceived gay,” he said. “There has been pressure on them to conform to the notion that being male is about having traditionally masculine traits, in terms of dress, behaviours and sexual activities. “But as more men are open about their varieties of sexuality, it becomes less stigmatized to be gay or to have sex with men. It is increasingly not a problem to act in otherwise non-traditional ways.

“I see this in other areas of my research too, including how men behave in straight nightclubs, where I find that university-aged men dance as much with each other than with women, and how heterosexual men are increasingly free to wear clothing styles or colours that once were taboo for them."
The University of Bath is one of the UK's leading universities, with an international reputation for quality research and teaching. In 15 subject areas the University of Bath is rated in the top ten in the country.

Website for Men on the Down Low: Catharsis.net

2007-11-13T13:04:00.000-05:00

In the Detroit Free Press on October 18, 2007 an article appeared with the heading:

THERAPY ON THE WEB: Secret sex lives addressed online
Web site created for down low culture

The group's interactive Web site -- http://www.catharsisonline.net/ -- is designed to let people seeking help, or their loved ones, get therapy over the phone or online, via chat rooms and e-mail.

Welcome to Catharsis Online

Their mission is:

To help persons overcome that which holds them in psychological pain and retards
personal growth. Our specific purpose is to address the needs of those who
cannot reveal their true sexual identity – i.e., those living on the “Down
Low”.
Additionally and importantly, we believe that loved ones of those
living on the “Down Low”, or those who may suspect their loved ones have
sexuality identity issues and may be hiding them deserve the same access to our
services. Their suffering and confusion is deserving of acknowledgement,
clarification and resolution – a voice.
While we recognize that within any
normal and healthy life emotional ebbs and flows are experienced and hopefully
put in to proper perspective, it is certain change that are deeply conflicting
with cultural morals that is our main area of focus: sexual confusion, self
esteem and/or image issues, unresolved grief, guilt, depression, or anxiety
associated with questions of sexual identity.

This might be a good resource for those who want to remain confidential and explore this side of themselves with healthy anonymous discussions.

Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited

2007-11-13T08:41:00.000-05:00

This article, Straight, Gay or Lying was in the New York Times in July, 2005. I disagree with the experts who say bisexuality does not exist. I think it does. And as you can see from this blog I believe that more straight men engage in sex with other men that are bisexual. However, for discussion I think it is important to have articles like these that explore the whole concept from straight to gay and everything in between.

Some people are attracted to women; some are attracted to men. And some, if
Sigmund Freud, Dr. Alfred Kinsey and millions of self-described bisexuals are to
be believed, are drawn to both sexes.

But a new study casts doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in
men.

The study, by a team of psychologists in Chicago and Toronto, lends
support to those who have long been skeptical that bisexuality is a distinct and
stable sexual orientation.

People who claim bisexuality, according to these critics, are usually
homosexual, but are ambivalent about their homosexuality or simply closeted.
"You're either gay, straight or lying," as some gay men have put it.

In the new study, a team of psychologists directly measured genital
arousal patterns in response to images of men and women. The psychologists found
that men who identified themselves as bisexual were in fact exclusively aroused
by either one sex or the other, usually by other men.

And perhaps this observation is the most poignant of all regarding straight men who have sex with men who are not gay or bisexual:

"There's a whole lot of movement and flexibility," Dr. Diamond added. "The fact
is, we have very little research in this area, and a lot to learn."

Joe Kort on Air America--The Lionel Show

2007-11-10T23:26:00.000-05:00

I was interviewed by the Lionel Show on Air America in October, 2007 about Larry Craig and the concept of straight men who have sex with other men.

My segment is 11 minutes.

What do you think of my comments? Let me know on the blog. Do you agree? Disagree? Something to add?

Please feel free I think it could be a lively discussion.

Warmly, Joe

STAGES OF BISEXUAL IDENTITY

2007-11-04T11:11:00.000-05:00

For most bisexuals, there are at least four steps or stages to fully acknowledging and becoming comfortable with their identities as bisexuals.

Confusion over sexual orientation.
Most bisexual people start out feeling very confused about their attraction towards people of both sexes, questioning their own reality, and wondering "Is something wrong with me?" Some spend their entire lives in this stage, hiding their sexual orientation, feeling isolated and alone with the inner turmoil over their dual attractions.

Many go through life identifying as straight or gay/lesbian in order to be accepted and make sense of their sexual orientation. Because their own experience does not conform to either community, they feel intense external pressure to choose one and identify with it. Without any language to frame their own reality, and no visible role models or community available to them, bisexual people must have sufficient self-confidence and belief in their own identity in order to eventually transcend this stage.

Discovery of the bisexual label and choosing to identify as bisexual.
Almost all bisexual people acknowledge that discovering the label "bisexual" was pivotal in understanding and accepting their sexual orientation. Most experience extreme relief when they hear the word "bisexual" for the first time, because they finally have a word that mirrors their experience and feelings.

For some, the negative stereotypes of bisexuals as "promiscuous" "fence sitters," neurotic, or vectors of AIDS prevent them from identifying with the label or claiming it for themselves, but most agree that it comes closer than any other language to describing their lives. Instead of rejecting the label, many bisexuals invent their own definition and create bisexual lifestyles that fit their individual lives.

Settling into and maintaining a bisexual identity.
For many bisexual people, this step is the most difficult. Intellectually, they feel good about being bisexual, but emotionally, they experience extreme conflict living in the real world as bisexual. Often scorned by family and friends and rejected by spouses or potential partners for being bisexual, they find that to develop and maintain a bisexual identity requires inner strength, self-reliance, confidence, and independence. Many overcome these obstacles by forming their own community, finding accepting friends and lovers, and staying out of the closet despite the consequences.

Transforming adversity.
For most bisexuals, coming out and staying out of the closet is an on-going process which must be repeated with every new social situation, workplace, friend, and lover. Many see this process as the most important form of political action, creating visible role models and a cohesive bisexual community. Because most bisexuals have suffered through the first three stages alone and in silence, they want to make it easier for other bisexuals to recognize and embrace their sexual orientation without years of inner turmoil and loneliness.

Many also get involved in bisexual political organizations as a way to increase bisexual visibility and promote bisexuality as a viable identity. Just as gay men and lesbians were only able to win some rights through fighting in both the social and political arenas, bisexuals will only win political and human rights through coming out of the closet and developing political clout.

What does this mean for you?

Does any of this sound familiar?

Are you struggling with ambivalence or confusion over your sexual orientation?

Or are you ready to embrace a bisexual orientation?

Are you seeking community to share your developing identity with others?

If so, reach out for support now. Check out one of the many bisexual and questioning support groups listed in this blog, to find a safe place to express your feelings and meet others who are going through similar experiences.

One-to-one counseling or therapy can also be helpful in sorting out feelings and gaining clarity and self – confidence. Be careful to seek out a non – judgmental therapist who is supportive of bisexuality and has expertise in bisexual issues.

And joining bisexual social or political groups is also a great way to see visible role models and to allow your bisexual identity to evolve in a way that fits you. And last, but certainly not least, there are now many excellent books on bisexuality, which help you understand and fully embrace your sexual orientation. - Dr Elna McIntosh, Health24 sexologist)

RESOURCE:

Bisexual.org

BOOK:

The Bisexual Option by Fritz Klein