Thursday, November 12, 2009

Depathologizing Porn: Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable Diversion?

Usually this site is only about straight men who have sex with men. However, I have an article featured in a national psychotherapy magazine and I thought it would be of interest to readers of this blog.

It focuses on a heterosexual couple where the husband is caught using pornography by his wife. I illustrate how I work with the couple. The way in which I treat this couple is similar to how I would work with couples entering my office for the men who are caught viewing online male on male pornography.



Depathologizing Porn
Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable Diversion?


by Joe Kort

In more than 25 years of practice, I've heard hundreds of stories of how pornography use can damage people's sex lives profoundly and ruin their marriages. I've personally had many couples describe the shame and secretiveness of one partner's involvement with porn. Time and again, I've treated people for whom viewing porn has become a compulsion and who've come to prefer it to being with a partner. Yet I've worked with many for whom porn isn't destructive to their relationship, but, in their view, offers a source of excitement and satisfaction they wouldn't otherwise experience.

Of course, these days, it's impossible to grasp the impact of pornography on relationships without considering the role of the Internet. Years ago, finding new and titillating erotica was a time-consuming chore.In the last couple of decades, though, the range of graphic material available online has exponentially accelerated the appeal and use of porn. Trying to explain the effect of the Internet on porn consumption, sex researcher Al Cooper has written that the driving force is the "Triple-A engine of Access, Affordability, and Anonymity." While it may take alcohol 30 years to ruin an alcoholic's health, only a year's worth of heavy cocaine use can lead to a total mental and physical collapse. Now, for some porn users, the Internet has become a kind of virtual cocaine.

Yet, despite the undeniable harm that porn can do, we therapists need to bear in mind a fundamental fact: the overwhelming majority of people exposed to it don't become addicts. Patrick Carnes's research shows that sexual addiction affects three to five percent of adults, suggesting that porn use isn't about to turn us into a country of addicts glued to their computer screens. Further, assuming that porn inevitably leads to addiction can blind us to understanding its nonpathological appeal to so many people—most of them men who are quite normal in every other way.

It can make it harder for us to accept that, in many relationships, porn use may satisfy needs that have nothing to do with psychological pathology or sexual dysfunction. In fact, noted sex researcher Helen Fisher argues that the brain-inhibiting effects of antidepressants pose a much graver threat to couples' sexuality than porn. She even advises couples to go on the Internet and look at porn as a kind of hormone booster, arguing that porn "drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone."

To be sure, porn use is permeated with a sense of the forbidden that triggers intense emotion, but as therapists, we need to understand it on a case-by-case basis and be careful to separate our own biases from our clients' needs. To begin to see porn in a more normalizing light, it can be helpful to understand the ways in which porn can be incorporated into a relationship without secretiveness or shame.

To continue reading this article click here

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Why Does THAT Arouse me?

Why Does THAT Arouse me?

Come and join us Wednesday, October 28 at 8:30PM EST and learn the hidden meanings behind what turns you on. Fee: $15.00 Click here to register. After registering, you will receive the call-in number by email.


All sexual fantasies are healthy. There are some that should never be acted on because they might be putting the person who has them or someone else at risk. I don’t believe there’s any pathology in our sexual fantasies or desires. Instead, I see them as a positive story about ourselves that’s trying to be told. Learning what the nonsexual meanings of our fantasies are can be very helpful.

For example, you might have a fantasy of being dominated and spanked. There’s nothing wrong with that fantasy and there’s nothing wrong with doing it. But what I would want to help someone do is explore why they have that fantasy. Not in a negative way but in a positive way. What does that mean about you?”

Kort learned the benefit of helping people explore the origins of their fantasies through years of work with men who are addicted to sex and from those who have been sexually abused. By "cracking the erotic code" and learning the narrative of what the sexual desires mean can help you feel better about your sexuality and learn more about yourself.

Come and join us
Wednesday, October 28 at 8:30PM EST and learn the hidden meanings behind what turns you on.

Fee: $15.00 Click here to register. After registering, you will receive the call-in number by email.


Thursday, August 6, 2009

Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy: CHANGE IS IMPOSSIBLE!

The following two articles are concerning people who have a homosexual
orientation but do not identify as gay or lesbian. In other words, an
affirmative identity for them as a gay person would cause a lifetime of
depression rather than coming out of the closet.

Professionally I
really think this is great! I have worked with so many men and women who cannot
consolidate a healthy gay or lesbian identity for so many
reasons--their
faith being one of the main reasons.

I realized years ago that it is not
for me to push them into a gay affirmative identity. It is my job to help remove
homophobia and shame and understand what is best for them. I was doing damage I
realized when I pushed for an acceptance of
their sexual and romantic
orientation when--for them--they could not choose their orientation over their
faith, family, morals and personal values.

I started http://www.straightguise.com/ for
straight folks having sex with same gendered individuals and I am going to make
it for those people who are of homosexual orientation and choose not to live
that way and for them would be leading a life of depression to idenitify as gay.

Still I think the problem is the religious institutions imprinting
homophobia and lack of acceptance of a gay identity and if these children--now
adults--would not have been imprinted with self-hate we would not have this
issue in my opinion!So this is great of the APA to acknowledge these folks.

Most important is that it is being reinforced that sexual orientation
cannot
be changed but how one lives their lives can be. The work below by
evangelical
psychologist, Mark Yarhouse of Regent University is highly
questionable as it is
not scientific but rather from a religious
perspective.

I would say that the people he "claims" are not longer gay but identify as
straight are simply people who were not gay from the start. They are people
who
have has sexual contact with other members of the same sex for many reasons that have nothing to do with homosexuality.

___________________________________________________


Psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy
By DAVID CRARY
AP National Writer

The American Psychological Association declared Wednesday that mental health professionals should not tell gay clients they can become straight through therapy or other treatments.

Instead, the APA urged therapists to consider multiple options - that could range from celibacy to switching churches - for helping clients whose sexual orientation and religious faith conflict.

In a resolution adopted on a 125-to-4 vote by the APA's governing council, and in a comprehensive report based on two years of research, the 150,000-member association put itself firmly on record in opposition of so-called "reparative therapy" which seeks to change sexual orientation.

No solid evidence exists that such change is likely, says the report, and some research suggests that efforts to produce change could be harmful, inducing depression and suicidal tendencies.

The APA had criticized reparative therapy in the past, but a six-member task force added weight to this position by examining 83 studies on sexual orientation change conducted since 1960. Its comprehensive report was endorsed by the APA's governing council in Toronto, where the association's annual meeting is being held this weekend.

The report breaks new ground in its detailed and nuanced assessment of how therapists should deal with gay clients struggling to remain loyal to a religious faith that disapproves of homosexuality.

Judith Glassgold, a Highland Park, N.J., psychologist who chaired the task force, said she hoped the document could help calm the polarized debate between religious conservatives who believe in the possibility of changing sexual orientation and the many mental health professionals who reject that option.

"Both sides have to educate themselves better," Glassgold said in an interview. "The religious psychotherapists have to open up their eyes to the potential positive aspects of being gay or lesbian. Secular therapists have to recognize that some people will choose their faith over their sexuality."

In dealing with gay clients from conservative faiths, says the report, therapists should be "very cautious" about suggesting treatments aimed at altering their same-sex attractions.

"Practitioners can assist clients through therapies that do not attempt to change sexual orientation, but rather involve acceptance, support and identity exploration and development without imposing a specific identity outcome," the report says.

"We have to challenge people to be creative," said Glassgold.

She suggested that devout clients could focus on overarching aspects of religion such as hope and forgiveness in order to transcend negative beliefs about homosexuality, and either remain part of their original faith within its limits - for example, by embracing celibacy - or find a faith that welcomes gays.

"There's no evidence to say that change therapies work, but these vulnerable people are tempted to try them, and when they don't work, they feel doubly terrified," Glassgold said. "You should be honest with people and say, 'This is not likely to change your sexual orientation, but we can help explore what options you have.'"

One of the largest organizations promoting the possibility of changing sexual orientation is Exodus International, a network of ministries whose core message is "Freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ."

Its president, Alan Chambers, describes himself as someone who "overcame unwanted same-sex attraction." He and other evangelicals met with APA representatives after the task force formed in 2007, and he expressed satisfaction with parts of the report that emerged.

"It's a positive step - simply respecting someone's faith is a huge leap in the right direction," Chambers said. "But I'd go further. Don't deny the possibility that someone's feelings might change."

An evangelical psychologist, Mark Yarhouse of Regent University, praised the APA report for urging a creative approach to gay clients' religious beliefs but - like Chambers - disagreed with its skepticism about changing sexual orientation.

Yarhouse and a colleague, Professor Stanton Jones of Wheaton College, will be releasing findings at the APA meeting Friday from their six-year study of people who went through Exodus programs. More than half of 61 subjects either converted to heterosexuality or "disidentified" with homosexuality while embracing chastity, their study said.

To Jones and Yarhouse, their findings prove change is possible for some people, and on average the attempt to change will not be harmful.

The APA task force took as a starting point the belief that homosexuality is a normal variant of human sexuality, not a disorder, and that it nonetheless remains stigmatized in ways that can have negative consequences.

The report said the subgroup of gays interested in changing their sexual orientation has evolved over the decades and now is comprised mostly of well-educated white men whose religion is an important part of their lives and who participate in conservative faiths that frown on homosexuality.

"Religious faith and psychology do not have to be seen as being opposed to each other," the report says, endorsing approaches "that integrate concepts from the psychology of religion and the modern psychology of sexual orientation."

Perry Halkitis, a New York University psychologist who chairs the APA committee dealing with gay and lesbian issues, praised the report for its balance.

"Anyone who makes decisions based on good science will be satisfied," he said. "As a clinician, you have to deal with the whole person, and for some people, faith is a very important aspect of who they are."

The report also addressed the issue of whether adolescents should be subjected to therapy aimed at altering their sexual orientation. Any such approach should "maximize self-determination" and be undertaken only with the youth's consent, the report said.

Wayne Besen, a gay-rights activist who has sought to discredit the so-called "ex-gay" movement, welcomed the APA findings.

"Ex-gay therapy is a profound travesty that has led to pointless tragedies, and we are pleased that the APA has addressed this psychological scourge," Besen said.


********************************

August 6, 2009


Psychologists: Don't try to reorient gays
Nicole C. Brambila
The Desert Sun

Conversion therapy for gay clients can be harmful and is scientifically unfounded, The American Psychological Association declared in a report released Wednesday.

The APA instead is encouraging therapists to consider other coping strategies such as celibacy or switching to gay-accepting churches to help clients conflicted over their sexual orientation because of their faith.

“What we found is people altering a sexual orientation identity, but not altering their sexual orientation,” said Judith Glassgold, Ph.D., chair of the American Psychological Association Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation.

“Right now, we're all in the dark about what causes heterosexuality and what causes homosexuality. It's still not understood.”
The adopted resolution reflects a systematic review of conversion or reparative therapies began more than two years ago, as reported Wednesday on mydesert.com.

The report looked at more than 80 studies conducted from 1960 to 2007 and concluded no solid scientific evidence exists for purporting that individuals can change their sexual orientation, and that reorientation efforts could induce depression and suicide.

“Compelling evidence of decreased same-sex sexual behavior and of engagement in sexual behavior with the other sex was rare,” the 138-page report stated.

“Few studies provided strong evidence that any changes produced in laboratory conditions translated to daily life. Thus, the results of scientifically valid research indicate that it is unlikely that individuals will be able to reduce same-sex attractions or increase other-sex sexual attractions through (sexual orientation change efforts).”
Conversion supporters said the report was disappointing.

“I don't think that this affirms anyone's religious beliefs,” said Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International. “My hope was that they would reaffirm a person's right to self-determination.”

Formed in 1976, the Orlando-based nonprofit is a worldwide network of more than 350 ministries that promote “freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ.”
Locally, psychologists praised the report, saying it was long overdue.

“It'll probably serve as a major brick in all the data that is more clearly delineating the reality that sexual orientation therapies do not work,” said Nick Warner, Ph.D., who as a clinical psychologist in Palm Springs has been counseling for 35 years.

Reparative or conversion therapy emerged in the 1970s and since then thousands have attempted to change their sexual orientation.

Elizabeth Moberly, a British theologian, proposed the root cause of homosexuality was the result of a detached and/or broken relationship with the same-sex parent.

A 2001 study by Robert Spitzer widely disputed by mental health professionals found 11 percent of males and 37 percent of females successfully reoriented, although the scientific community largely disputes those findings. The study is widely disputed by mental health professionals.

Homosexuality was once considered a mental disorder, but was removed from the diagnostic manual as such by the American Psychiatric Association in 1973.

Now all major American mental health associations affirm homosexuality is not a mental illness.

Conversion therapy success claims have long been disputed without a systematic review, making the APA's report Wednesday unique.

“People whose religious beliefs support conversion therapy, they're not really working from a scientific framework,” said Jack Drescher, M.D. renown for his work on sexual orientation and task force member.

“The American Psychological Association is a scientific organization. They can't tell people what to believe, they can only say what the science says.”




Monday, August 3, 2009

Can you be gay for pay?

Can you be gay for pay?




Read and watch this blog posting at Huffington Post by Mike Alvear, Host of HBO's The Sex Inspectors and author of Men Are Pigs But We Love Bacon.

http://www.mikealvear.com/2009/01/26/tyra-can-you-be-straight-and-do-gay-porn/comment-page-1/#comment-1230

What are your thoughts about this?


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Is “Heteroflexible” the New Gay?

Is “Heteroflexible” the New Gay?
by Brent HartingerJuly 21, 2009

This is a great article by Brent Hartinger in AfterElton.com and illustrates the increasing awareness that straight men can have sexual relations with another male and still be straight!

Hartinger talks about a few entertainment projects in which straight men have sex with other men.

But it might also actually mean something – namely that America is finally
growing up somewhat when it comes to the topic of guy-guy sexual behavior, and
might even be taking a major step forward on the general understanding of the
fluid nature of human sexuality.




Friday, July 24, 2009

STRONGHOLD: In the Grip of Wrestling




STRONGHOLD: In the Grip of Wrestling

This documentary examines the growing number of men who wrestle as adults, and the social stigmas they encounter.

It talks frankly about wrestling homoeroticism and homophobia, historically
through today, and the many reasons why wrestling has become such an
underappreciated sport in America.

All styles of wrestling are included: amateur wrestling, pro wrestling, and submission grappling.The documentary pulls no punches when talking about sensitive subjects.

Several men discuss how they have been sexually attracted to wrestling since they were kids, and how the age-old fear of getting an erection in a singlet prevented them from wrestling as teens.

They talk about sneaking peeks at library wrestling books and wrestling magazines, watching it on TV and being mesmerized by the guys in tight trunks, or getting aroused while wrestling their friends.

Many grew up with shame for these feelings, and now think that they have to hide their wrestling as adults. Through the Internet and nationwide wrestling events for adult men, thousands of guys are discovering they are not alone.

Award-winning filmmaker, Victor Rook, wanted to make sure that the documentary was all-inclusive, so wrestlers both gay and straight-identified, single and married, were interviewed.

The documentary takes you back stage at a pro indy show, inside amateur wrestling tournaments, a jiu-jitsu school, and several wrestling events specifically geared for adult men.

He even pulls people out of bars and truck stops to wrestle in a portion of the film noted as "The Great Wrestling Road Trip."Watch the entire documentary online or buy the 2-Disc DVD set at http://www.wrestlingfilm.com/

Contact Victor at victorweb@aol.com.



Pornography Use

I just listened to an excellent talk radio show with a friend and colleague of mine Tammy Nelson who authored, Getting The Sex You Want. The relevance for this blog is that so many of the straight men contact me about their concerns regarding whether they are gay or bisexual given that they watch gay porn. This is beneficial to listen to in my opinion.

I find this radio discussion about pornography and fantasy is very balanced including sexual addiction and compulsivity, statistics, normal use of both pornography and fantasy along with the problems it is causing for younger males who are starting to view porn online at the age of 11!

And the porn they watch is very different than the Playboy and even Penthouse magazines male teens found under their father's beds and dresser drawers. This earlier exposure to pornography reinforces that for those who view pornography early one it can shape their views of what men and women do sexually.

I agree with that 100%. I just don't necessarily believe that for every adult they are at risk. The numbers and statistics of those addressed in this radio show sound like what I have always heard and read.

Click here to listen to the show

Love to hear what others think about this.