Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts

I am excited to announce the upcoming release of another book which I contributed to edited by Dr. Stephanie Carnes called, Mending a Shattered Heart.

ISBN: 0-9774-4006-9
$16.95
http://www.gentlepath.com/

About the Book:

Where do I go from here?

You are not alone. Thousands of
unsuspecting people wake up every day to discover their loved one, the one
person that they are supposed to trust completely, has been living a life of
lies and deceit because they suffer from a disease - a disease called sex
addiction. Stefanie Carnes brings together several authors to guide the
reader through an assortment of topics like “How Do I Handle This?” and “What Do
I Tell the Kids?”

The chapter I wrote is:

Straight Guise: Is My Partner Gay?

This chapter will help the partners of these men, first by separating the two types of men: men who are gay and bisexual; and men who are heterosexual who seek sex with other men. The difference is one of sexual orientation versus sexual preference. It will also help women develop a deeper understanding of their partners’ behaviors and recognize that it can have many meanings, and that it may not mean the relationship has to end.

It will answer the following questions:


What does it mean when men seek sex with other men?

What are some reasons men have sex with other men?

What is erotic intelligence?

Why did I marry a gay man?

What does my family history have to do with this?

“The Seven-Year Switch”: The Gradually Gay Husband. Why do Gay Men Marry Straight Women?

Disclosure: How Do I Go From the Down Low to In The Know?

On some level, I feel as though this is my fault. How do I keep from blaming myself?

Now that I know, where do I go from here?

,

Men Against Sexual Violence: Sexually Abused Males

I found an excellent site about raped and sexually abused males that every therapist and male who has raped or been raped should have as a resource.

The site at which I found the following is Men Against Sexual Violence http://www.menagainstsexualviolence.org/myths.html


MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT MALE VICTIMS OF RAPE


Rape happens because of an uncontrollable desire for sex with an irresistible victim.

Rape is an act of violence in which sex becomes the weapon used to control and or harm a victim the rapist perceives as vulnerable.

Men and boys cannot be raped.

One in six men report having been sexually abused by the time they were 18 (Finkelhor et al., 1990).

Anyone from infants to the elderly, regardless of gender, race, religion, socio-economic status, education, physical appearance, marital status, or culture can be raped. Rapists choose their victims carefully, looking for anything that will make the victim vulnerable and give them the advantage. They isolate their victims from bystanders who could help them, and rely upon shock, surprise, weapons, threats, strength, or positions of authority to counter the victim’s ability to resist.

Homosexual males perpetrate most sexual abuse of boys.

Men who sexually abuse males are usually pedophiles or persons who prefer a child as their sexual partner, not homosexual males. Most perpetrators know their victims (Groth et al., 1989) (Roesler et al., 1994).

A man or boy who experiences sexual arousal or orgasm during the abusive act enjoyed it.

Males may respond to stimulation even when it is abusive or violent. A man or boy who experiences sexual arousal may feel shame and guilt, but the arousal does not mean that he was willing or enjoyed it (Gartner, 1999).

Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual.

A boy may question or be confused about his sexual identity and orientation after having been abused by a male, especially if he experienced sexual arousal. But there is no reason to believe that sexual abuse causes homosexuality (Gartner, 1999).

Boys who are sexually abused will grow up to be sexual abusers.

While the majority of sexual abusers were abused themselves, the majority of sexually abused boys never become perpetrators (Lisak et al., 1996).

If the perpetrator is a female, the boy should consider himself lucky, not abused.

Our societal norms encourage a boy to deny any negative or traumatic responses to having been “so lucky,” to having earned a “badge of honor.” But, having been coerced or manipulated into sex by an older girl or woman is always abusive and often damaging (Lisak et al., 1996).

Sexual Fludity

Even though the following article and interview with Lisa Diamond is primarily about women, I believe that men are not far off from sexual fluidity.

Q&A with Lisa Diamond
By Pagan Kennedy

December 30, 2007

IN 1995, LISA DIAMOND traversed New York State in a beat-up car,
visiting softball games, picnics, and gay-pride parades. She was hunting for
young women who had experienced same-sex attraction (even if it was fleeting).
Diamond wanted to find out how such women understand - and label - their own
desires.
more stories like this
In this country, we tell a certain story
about homosexuality: We believe that people who come out as gay almost always
stick with that gay identity for the rest of their lives. Diamond's research
reveals that - at least for some females - that story might be wrong.
She
followed dozens of women for 10 years, as they graduated from college, worked
their first jobs, fell in love, changed their minds, and tumbled into the arms
of new partners. Most women's behavior had little to do with the "gay for life"
story. Some switched their sexual identity many times. In fact, when asked to
define themselves as "gay," "straight" or "bisexual," a number of women refused
to take any label at all. Others invented their own labels; for instance, one
interviewee called herself a "reluctant heterosexual."
About one-fourth of
the women reported that their choice of sexual partners had nothing to do with
gender. "Deep down," said one woman, "it's just a matter of who I meet and fall
in love with, and it's not their body, it's something behind the eyes." These
women often had no words for the way their hearts were wired.
As soon as
Diamond began publishing in academic journals, she discovered just how
controversial - and easy to distort - her findings might be. Christian-right
groups have trumpeted her data as proof that homosexuality is optional. Her
research has become fodder for therapists who claim to be able to "cure" gay men
by turning them straight. In a forthcoming book, "Sexual Fluidity," the University of Utah professor talks back to all those who have misrepresented her
data. Sexual attraction may be quirky and mercurial, she says, but it is
certainly not under our control.

.

IDEAS: Who was the most interesting woman in your study?

DIAMOND: There was one [straight] woman who moved in with her best friend during her first year in college. And for reasons that she still doesn't understand, it spilled over into physical intimacy. For two years, the women were lovers in every sense of the word, and both of them were very happy with the relationship. She kept it secret from everybody in her life. And the whole time she was thinking, "I don't know if this makes me a lesbian, because [my friend] is the only woman I have feelings for." Eventually the relationship dissolved, but they're still best friends. She's now married. Her friend is engaged. She doesn't regret what happened; it was an important part of her history....It remains this sweet secret the two women share.

IDEAS: So she was one of the women who exhibited "person-based attraction" - that is, she fell in love with the personality of her friend, so much so that gender didn't matter?
more stories like this

DIAMOND: Yes, she's a perfect example of that. She was attracted to just this one woman.

IDEAS: When you started your research, did you expect to find heterosexuals who loved other women and lesbians who had flings with men?

DIAMOND: There's long been a stereotype about women who say, "I don't know if I'm a lesbian, but I have this incredible attraction to my best friend Amy." The classic response is everyone rolls their eyes and says, "Yeah right. You're just afraid to come out [as a lesbian]." But I think that phenomenon truly does exist. It does appear to be the way sexuality operates for some women.

IDEAS: Over the years, most of the women you interviewed changed their labels. For instance, Sheila, one of your subjects, first identified as bisexual; then two years later described herself as attracted to women; later, she became engaged to a man; and still later, she decided she really wanted to date women.

DIAMOND: Yes, that's right. By the 10th year of the study, two-thirds of the respondents had changed their identity label at least once.

IDEAS: What causes women to switch?

DIAMOND: A lot of this, I think, has to do with the fact that even women with lesbian orientations often reported somewhat bisexual patterns of attraction....Some women said, "You can't really call yourself a 'lesbian sleeping with a man,' even if that's what you think is the best description of the situation." So they'd stop labeling themselves altogether.

IDEAS: Did you realize that your findings would be so controversial?

DIAMOND: As I started to analyze the interviews, I was fully aware of the political implications of the material. But there were also political implications to staying silent. I had a lot of women say, "I don't think you should interview me. I'm weird. I'm going to mess up your study because I'm different from other women." They thought that what they were experiencing in their lives made them deviant. They felt like, "I've already failed as a heterosexual and now I'm failing as a lesbian." They had no idea that they were absolutely normal. We need to make sure that young women realize that their experiences are normal.

IDEAS: Did you have moments when you were listening to a woman tell her story and you thought, "Oh no, I can see how the Christian right is going to distort this and use it for their own ends"?

DIAMOND: When I would write up my articles, I would think, "Oh man, the worst-case scenario is for someone to twist this data around." And then it would happen. It would wake me up at night. How am I going to control this? One of my colleagues said, "All you can do is represent your research as best you can." That's one of the reasons I wanted to write up my findings for a general audience in this book. I want to make it clear that just because some women exhibit fluid sexual attraction, it doesn't mean that sexual orientation is a "lifestyle choice."

IDEAS: How else are you spreading the message?

DIAMOND: I speak at high schools as well as gay and lesbian youth groups. There's nothing more gratifying than when a person comes up to me after a talk and says, "For so many years, I thought I was the only one. And now I know I'm not." I live for those moments. When I hear from a couple of women like that, I know why I'm doing this research.
Pagan Kennedy is the author of nine books, most recently "The First Man-Made Man." She can be reached through her website, home.comcast.net/~pagankennedy
.

© Copyright 2007 Globe Newspaper Company.

Is Public Sex Okay?

After taking the poll if you want to elaborate on why you think it is okay or not please feel free to do so here on this blog. I would love to hear people's thoughts and reactions.

Also, there are reports that men who have sex with men are arrested moreso than if women having sexual relations with men are when discovered by police. Gay groups state that straight folks get a finger shaking warning and are told to go home whereas men who have sex with men get arrested.

Do you believe this? Why do you think this is? Gay groups site homophobia. Is there more to it than this?

Gay men seek straight men in public restrooms

In an article appearing in the Advocate's year end issue by Benoit Denizet-Lewis From The Advocate January 15, 2008 entitled, Public Sex Confidential

Denizet-Lewis asks:

So what is it that still drives some in the gay community out of the bedroom and into the Bathroom?

And the article is a well-researched response to some of the reasons. One is how compelling it is for gay men to find straight men in public bathrooms:

One powerful motivating factor for many gay men seeking sex in public
places is the belief that they will find the ultimate sexual prize there:
“straight” men. You won’t bump into many married or self-identified straight
guys in gay bars, but you will find them in public sex places, where they
believe their anonymity is best protected, and where they can get
no-strings-attached gay sex without the hassle of having to actually talk to gay
people (many public sex encounters are done without exchanging a word).

“The reality is that gay men are tripping over each other in public
places to service the guys that carry themselves in the most masculine way
possible, the guys that they believe will then go home to their wives or their
straight lives,” says Joe Kort, a psychotherapist and the author of 10 Smart
Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives.

“Straight guys are the ultimate unavailable man, but for a few minutes
in the darkness gay men can have them. And for many gay men it’s the first time,
and the only real place, where they will feel seen, accepted, and validated as
sexual people by straight men. But in the context of public sex, it’s a twisted
form of validation.”

Undercover cops looking to arrest men engaged in public sex understand
that appearing straight carries currency in parks and bathrooms. Richard
Tewksbury’s study “Conversation at the Oasis” -- published in the March 22,
2007, issue of The Journal of Men’s Studies -- details the following
conversation between a cruiser and an undercover police officer on a park nature
trail:

Suspect: You come down here much?

Officer: This is my first time. I just heard about it on the
Internet.

Suspect: You’re a good-looking man.

Officer: Thanks. My wife thinks so too.

The study surveyed police records of 127 cases of public gay sex in a
California city between 1995 and 2005. Tewksbury found that awareness of the
potential for arrest “does not appear to deter cruising activity,” which might
explain why Couture and others don’t believe that Larry Craig’s arrest will keep
men from seeking out public sex. On the contrary, Couture says. “Thanks to good
old Larry Craig,” he tells me, “every man in the United States now knows exactly
how to go about getting sex in a bathroom.”

Homosexual Anxiety Disorder

I have posted about Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the past. Although not a formal diagnosis in psychology, there are a growing number of straight men who suffer from this disorder.

I found an excellent resource outlining it at http://www.neuroticplanet.com/hocd.php.

Homosexuality Anxiety

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Takes Many Forms

Obsessive-compulsive
disorder involves intrusive thoughts that are unwanted and distressing to
the individual. Sometimes these thoughts take the form of persistent notions
about having a different sexual orientation. For example, a person who has had
many years of satisfied, opposite sex relationships might suddenly start to
worry that he or she is actually homosexual. Some people who have this
manifestation of OCD have taken to calling this "HOCD" or "Homosexual OCD."
HOCD is not a scientific term, but has evolved out of the OCD community as a way
to describe the distress caused by anxieties over unwanted thoughts about being
gay.
Clinicians, educators, and people with HOCD can use the table below to
better understand differences between the experience of someone with HOCD and
the experience of someone with a homosexual sexual identity. Note that this is
not a clinical screening instrument as it has not been validated for use in this
manner, and not all items will apply to every person. Furthermore, the second
column applies to a relatively well-adjusted gay person. A homosexual person
with severe internalized homophobia may not be well represented in either
category.

To read the table they created to outline the difference between a Homosexual Orientation and Homosexual Anxiety OCD go to NeuroticPlanet.com

Are ex-gays aligned with New Warrior Adventure Mankind Project

The reason for my blogging these articles about MKP is that I want men to know that it is a safe place for all men to attend whether you are gay, bi, straight, questioning or a man who has unwanted sexual attractions to men. Sexual and romantic orientation is not what the workshops are about. It is about becoming mature men who find direction in their personal journey.

Last week Wayne Besen, author of Anything But Straight, a book exposing ex-gay reparative groups, wrote a column about The New Warrior Adventure called, Nude Warrior Adventure, which included some material which was not true.

In the column, Besen discussed the troubling ties ManKind's New Warriors program has with ex-gay ministries, which aggressively tout the retreat in their efforts to supposedly instill masculinity in their clients.

Besen has since learned and now written that this any ties from MKP to exgay groups is false. He has since written a second column about it.

Here is Wayne Besen's follow up column to the first article:

Last week, I wrote about the ManKind Project, a weekend retreat that tries to jolt men into dealing with deep personal issues. In the column, I discussed the troubling ties ManKind's New Warriors program has with ex-gay ministries, which aggressively tout the retreat in their efforts to supposedly instill masculinity in their clients.

It turns out, however, that the love affair may be one sided. The ManKind Project does not support ex-gay therapy and does not believe that their program helps gay men go straight. Indeed, New Warriors has a large gay following and many who attended consider it helpful to their coming out experience.

I received more than 25 letters from gay men who said that the program helped them accept their sexual orientation."The ManKind Project gave me the confidence and wherewithal to finally say, 'I am a gay man,'" said one participant from Wisconsin."The program helped me become a better husband,' wrote another gay man from the Washington, DC area. "As I knocked down the walls, I became more comfortable with myself and able to give 100 percent to my partner.

The program literally saved my relationship."These letters are incongruous with the cheerleading ManKind receives from homophobic ex-gay groups, such as Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH) and the website People Can Change. In fact, People Can Change director Ben Newman, who served as a trainee and co-staffer in the New Warrior program, started the ex-gay retreat, "Journey Into Manhood" with several other New Warriors.

So, is the ManKind Project's New Warriors program gay affirming or does it cater to ex-gay fringe groups? I posed this question in a conference call with the group's Executive Director Carl Griesser.

Well-known gay author Joe Kort - a vocal proponent of the organization - was also in on the conversation. Griesser said he was troubled by the way ex-gay ministries had been promoting his group and that his organization did not support the ex-gay cause. He suggested they had misinterpreted what his group meant by instilling masculinity in men."There is a difference between masculinity and sexual orientation," Griesser said on the call. He pointed out that almost every New Warriors training session has at least one openly gay or bisexual man.

Kort, a psychotherapist, passionately defended the organization as a group that helps men "live in honesty and integrity...whatever their sexual orientation is." "Straight men and gay men are all welcome and come together helping each other be part of the male culture even with the differences," explained Kort.

In fact, New Warriors has a position statement that flat out says, "We do not and will not attempt to change a man's sexual orientation." However, this statement is not currently on the group's website, making it difficult to know that ManKind is not an adjunct of the ex-gay ministries. Griesser said he would take this issue up with ManKind officials in a call later this week. I certainly hope that they take this issue seriously, as not to cause any confusion of what the group stands for. In my previous column, I also discussed how the organization had some unorthodox activities.

This includes:** Blindfolded walking tours in the nude** Men sitting in a circle discussing their sexual histories while passing a wooden dildo called "The Cock"** Naked men beating cooked chickens with a hammerWhile this may seem bizarre to outsiders, Kort and Griesser defended the activities as helping men accept their bodies."There is so much shame about the body," said Griesser. "The nudity put me and others in an honest space to deal with the shame...the goal is to take men's sexuality out of the shadows."

Critics also point to the harsher aspects of the program, such as meeting participants with men in dark clothing and painted faces."We want to shake men up," said Griesser. "They can only be awakened if we shake them out of their routine." There is also the problem of a lawsuit by the family of a Texas man who committed suicide after attending the program. They are charging that New Warriors is administering therapy without trained professionals. "This is therapeutic, but not therapy," Griesser said. "It is a legal issue that will be addressed in this case."

Whatever one thinks of the group's tactics, it is clear that many gay men find it beneficial. It is also a relief that what ostensibly appears to be a program sympathetic to ex-gay ministries, is actually opposed to them. However, the ManKind Project must do more to publicly distance themselves from these dangerous groups. To downplay how ex-gay organizations have latched on to them, leaves the ManKind Project naked and fully exposed to criticism it might not deserve.