“Why Girls Love Gay Porn”

The following article from Playgirl Magazine is important for this blog on Straight Guise to understand that many women are attracted and aroused by two men engaging in sex with one another. I talked about it in an earlier posting about women who love to watch gay male porn.

“Why Girls Love Gay Porn”
By Clark Harding
Playgirl Magazine
November 15th, 2006



Here’s an excellent article I found in the online and hard copy

December Issue of Playgirl:


I’LL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME I RENTED gay porn. Pacing outside the campus video store, I was too scared to go in. I eventually built up my courage, made a dash for it, and quickly grabbed the first porno I saw. I thought I was in the clear when I reached the front of the checkout line until I heard “Oh hey, Clark!” from down the aisle. Fuck, I’d been caught red-handed— by two sorority girls, no less. “What ya watchin’?” they asked, cheerfully inspecting my pick of Lukas In Love. Suddenly their faces brightened.



“Oh my God! Gay porn?” one asked. My only answer was silence. “We LOVE gay porn!” They exclaimed. “You have to bring it over and we’ll all watch!” Before I could digest what was happening, I was whisked back to Delta Gamma for some studious viewing. Surrounded by sisters in pajamas, bowls of popcorn and posters of Justin Timberlake, they dimmed the lights with giggles of anticipation.



“I love Lukas Rigeston!” A blonde girl cried out as the credits rolled. “Shut up, Ion Davidov has a way bigger cock!” another one said. I had no idea who these porn stars were, but as soon as the bad dialogue subsided and anal penetration commenced, the room got eerily silent. The girls weren’t just watching this for a cheap laugh… they were getting off on it.



Heterosexual men notoriously love lesbian porn. Likewise, there is a small but substantial niche of women in America who watch gay guys do it. But we’re not talking women who casually entertain soft-core, voyeuristic fantasies; we’re talking women who actively rent videos, and subscribe to websites featuring hardcore, male-on-male action. “I don’t know any straight girls that don’t like gay porn,” says Rebecca Kraus, a San Francisco acupuncturist. “I especially like to watch older guys fuck younger guys,” she adds, “That’s what I think about when I masturbate.” But how can that be? Shouldn’t male-onmale action be exclusive to men? And isn’t gay male porn marketed to, well, gay guys? Where does this social phenomenon stem from?



While at home for the holidays, I dug around in the attic for my old psychology text books. Dusting them off, I came across Sigmund Freud’s theories of psychosexual development. There’s the “oral” stage, then the “anal” stage…wait, someone should rename this “The Different Stages of Gay Porn.” Frustrated, I kept flipping in search of “penis envy.” According to Freud, young girls around the age of four notice their difference in genitalia from men. In a subconscious effort to gain the love of their fathers, they sit around wishing they had a dick.



“Oh please,” says Leslie Friebert, a feisty New York publicist. “In straight porn the man consists of a penis and occasional dirty word spoken off screen. There’s no envy in that. I like seeing men be vulnerable.” Her friend Kate agrees, “There’s something so hot in objectifying the man.” Now there’s a switch! Freud’s theory has been widely criticized by feminists, of course, because women would never want their identity to be summed up as envious of men. But does the female viewing of homosexual, male sex neutralize this criticism, thus feminizing penis envy?



With an aching brain, I decided to jettison the archaic, clichéd views of sexual academia and find someone with contemporary experience: Chi Chi La Rue. Sometimes in drag, sometimes not, this über-famous porn director is prolific in both the straight and gay porn scenes. On Wednesday nights she can be found spinning at her Los Angeles night club Dirty Deeds, where I stalked her for an answer. “It’s simply having more of a good thing on screen, honey” she said, her lipstick glistening in the light. “And since it’s men, it’s nastier and dirtier. It’s the most animalistic and testosterone-filled as you’re gonna get.” As she spoke to me, I looked out over the crowd and noticed that her strip club was populated by a healthy crowd of women. It got me to thinking, is straight womens’ affinity for gay porn an affinity to gay culture in general?



Gay bars are constantly packed with fag hag tagalongs who are uniquely promiscuous without being labeled sluts. Could women be as horny as their testosterone- charged counterparts? “I want what I can’t have,” confesses Rebecca Kraus. “Gay men are everything you could want in straight men, so watching them screw is the ultimate expression of that.” Although this subculture of women may be increasing, that doesn’t mean it’s for every woman. “Oh no, my friends think I’m weird,” says Leslie, “ and I have to admit, I didn’t like it until I watched it a couple of times. Gay porn grows on you.” “It’s not just straight girls,” continues Chi Chi. “I know straight guys who like to watch gay porn with their girlfriends. Hell, I’ve even heard of lesbian couples who watch guys. What can I say, everyone likes to watch dudes fuck!”



And there I was, destined to have my first gay porn experience surrounded by straight, horny, sorority girls. What would Freud have to say about that? He’d just be envious.



PLAYGIRL Article Written by Clark Harding

Sexual Fludity

Even though the following article and interview with Lisa Diamond is primarily about women, I believe that men are not far off from sexual fluidity.

Q&A with Lisa Diamond
By Pagan Kennedy

December 30, 2007

IN 1995, LISA DIAMOND traversed New York State in a beat-up car,
visiting softball games, picnics, and gay-pride parades. She was hunting for
young women who had experienced same-sex attraction (even if it was fleeting).
Diamond wanted to find out how such women understand - and label - their own
desires.
more stories like this
In this country, we tell a certain story
about homosexuality: We believe that people who come out as gay almost always
stick with that gay identity for the rest of their lives. Diamond's research
reveals that - at least for some females - that story might be wrong.
She
followed dozens of women for 10 years, as they graduated from college, worked
their first jobs, fell in love, changed their minds, and tumbled into the arms
of new partners. Most women's behavior had little to do with the "gay for life"
story. Some switched their sexual identity many times. In fact, when asked to
define themselves as "gay," "straight" or "bisexual," a number of women refused
to take any label at all. Others invented their own labels; for instance, one
interviewee called herself a "reluctant heterosexual."
About one-fourth of
the women reported that their choice of sexual partners had nothing to do with
gender. "Deep down," said one woman, "it's just a matter of who I meet and fall
in love with, and it's not their body, it's something behind the eyes." These
women often had no words for the way their hearts were wired.
As soon as
Diamond began publishing in academic journals, she discovered just how
controversial - and easy to distort - her findings might be. Christian-right
groups have trumpeted her data as proof that homosexuality is optional. Her
research has become fodder for therapists who claim to be able to "cure" gay men
by turning them straight. In a forthcoming book, "Sexual Fluidity," the University of Utah professor talks back to all those who have misrepresented her
data. Sexual attraction may be quirky and mercurial, she says, but it is
certainly not under our control.

.

IDEAS: Who was the most interesting woman in your study?

DIAMOND: There was one [straight] woman who moved in with her best friend during her first year in college. And for reasons that she still doesn't understand, it spilled over into physical intimacy. For two years, the women were lovers in every sense of the word, and both of them were very happy with the relationship. She kept it secret from everybody in her life. And the whole time she was thinking, "I don't know if this makes me a lesbian, because [my friend] is the only woman I have feelings for." Eventually the relationship dissolved, but they're still best friends. She's now married. Her friend is engaged. She doesn't regret what happened; it was an important part of her history....It remains this sweet secret the two women share.

IDEAS: So she was one of the women who exhibited "person-based attraction" - that is, she fell in love with the personality of her friend, so much so that gender didn't matter?
more stories like this

DIAMOND: Yes, she's a perfect example of that. She was attracted to just this one woman.

IDEAS: When you started your research, did you expect to find heterosexuals who loved other women and lesbians who had flings with men?

DIAMOND: There's long been a stereotype about women who say, "I don't know if I'm a lesbian, but I have this incredible attraction to my best friend Amy." The classic response is everyone rolls their eyes and says, "Yeah right. You're just afraid to come out [as a lesbian]." But I think that phenomenon truly does exist. It does appear to be the way sexuality operates for some women.

IDEAS: Over the years, most of the women you interviewed changed their labels. For instance, Sheila, one of your subjects, first identified as bisexual; then two years later described herself as attracted to women; later, she became engaged to a man; and still later, she decided she really wanted to date women.

DIAMOND: Yes, that's right. By the 10th year of the study, two-thirds of the respondents had changed their identity label at least once.

IDEAS: What causes women to switch?

DIAMOND: A lot of this, I think, has to do with the fact that even women with lesbian orientations often reported somewhat bisexual patterns of attraction....Some women said, "You can't really call yourself a 'lesbian sleeping with a man,' even if that's what you think is the best description of the situation." So they'd stop labeling themselves altogether.

IDEAS: Did you realize that your findings would be so controversial?

DIAMOND: As I started to analyze the interviews, I was fully aware of the political implications of the material. But there were also political implications to staying silent. I had a lot of women say, "I don't think you should interview me. I'm weird. I'm going to mess up your study because I'm different from other women." They thought that what they were experiencing in their lives made them deviant. They felt like, "I've already failed as a heterosexual and now I'm failing as a lesbian." They had no idea that they were absolutely normal. We need to make sure that young women realize that their experiences are normal.

IDEAS: Did you have moments when you were listening to a woman tell her story and you thought, "Oh no, I can see how the Christian right is going to distort this and use it for their own ends"?

DIAMOND: When I would write up my articles, I would think, "Oh man, the worst-case scenario is for someone to twist this data around." And then it would happen. It would wake me up at night. How am I going to control this? One of my colleagues said, "All you can do is represent your research as best you can." That's one of the reasons I wanted to write up my findings for a general audience in this book. I want to make it clear that just because some women exhibit fluid sexual attraction, it doesn't mean that sexual orientation is a "lifestyle choice."

IDEAS: How else are you spreading the message?

DIAMOND: I speak at high schools as well as gay and lesbian youth groups. There's nothing more gratifying than when a person comes up to me after a talk and says, "For so many years, I thought I was the only one. And now I know I'm not." I live for those moments. When I hear from a couple of women like that, I know why I'm doing this research.
Pagan Kennedy is the author of nine books, most recently "The First Man-Made Man." She can be reached through her website, home.comcast.net/~pagankennedy
.

© Copyright 2007 Globe Newspaper Company.

Why is it okay for straight women to have a gay fling but not men?

Writer Amy Sohn from New York Magazine writes in her article:

Straight, With an Asterick
It’s acceptable—even a little chic—for straight women to have a gay fling or two. But it’s a whole other story when otherwise straight men do it.

Same-sex experimentation among straight women is trendier than ponchos these days. The L Word is a mainstream hit, and if you go to any nightclub around three in the morning, you’ll see two pink-cheeked girls in a banquette, sucking face, often as their boyfriends watch. Gay experimentation for straight men is becoming more popular, too, even if you don’t see it in a dark corner at Vento.

I remember as a teenager sneaking into a adult film movie theatre in 1979 with my best friend. I recall scenes showing two women kissing and having sex naively thinking that next there would be a scene with two men kissing and having sex. I was a gay teenager so it was my hope that this would be shown. I remember being disappointed and confused as to why they would show two women but not two men.

Now I understand as a psychotherapist that the movies are made for straight men to enjoy, not for women or gay men.

However, today there are still very few porno movies featuring two men unless they are specifically geared toward gay men.

I agree with Sohn when she goes onto explain about straight men who have sex with men:

Those who experiment tend to do it covertly, and often stop short of intercourse. Such men maintain that they are not gay or even bisexual, just sexually progressive. And though in some cases this may just be denial, many say their interest in men comes from their frustration in the role limitations of straight sex.

Sexism and patriarchy block the scenes of two guys going at it in a heterosexual porn movie. And the bottom line is that it won't sell! Straight men will not purchase DVD's with two men inserted having sex with each other.

Or will they?

Could it be that it is women who are blocking the idea of two men being together as much as men?

Sohn reports this in her article:

Jonny, a 32-year-old Web designer, also describes himself as straight, though he’s had several dozen same-sex experiences. “I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay,” he tells me over dinner at Café Orlin as I cough on my tea. “But I like the idea of playing with sex roles and the way I am the object of affection with men, instead of the typical hetero male sexual aggressor.” He says he’s sure he’s straight because he’s always the submissive, he doesn’t find men physically attractive, and “I have 30 gigabytes of porn on my hard drive and it’s all women.” If it weren’t for the several dozen men he’s hooked up with, this might sound more convincing.

He, too, has had bad luck with women when he’s tried to talk about it, except for one woman who listened intently and then had a threesome with him. He sees himself settling down with a woman someday, but she would have to be someone who is okay with bending the rules. “I wouldn’t be happy with a woman who only wanted to play one role.”

I hope that the media coverage of Larry Craig, being on the Downlow and situations like Jim McGreevey will stop forcing men who enjoy having sex with men to have to keep a straight face.

Women need to start asking their male partners about sexual interest and fantasies about being sexual with men. Men need to feel safe to tell women about their sexual interests. Both need to stop being threatened that it will ruin their relationship. Too often it is just a sexual fantasy, interest and/or fetish.

Other times it is about a closeted gay man which of course does threaten the marriage. But, better to know this earlier in the relationship and marriage than down the line with children involved and lives ruined because our society makes it impossible for men to talk about interests in having sex with other men.

Women and their husband''s sexuality

Husband to his wife: "Let's talk about sexual fantasies to spice up our sex lives."

Wife to husband: "Okay you go first."

Husband: "I have a fantasy of watching you have sex with a younger guy pleasing you until you scream in ecstasy."

Wife: (Angrily) "How could you think like that? Don't you have more respect for me?"

Husband: "It is not about disrespect it is just a fantasy. Even if we make it a reality it would not make me disrespect you it is just sex to me."

Wife: "Well I am no longer in the mood and I never want to hear hear you say that again."

I am not suggesting that women (or men) should be coerced or forced to have open relationships or do things that are against their will and humiliating. However, what I am saying is that spouses need to be able to talk about their sexual fantasies and desires without judgment and contempt and criticism.

Without being able to talk about this openly--especially for men--they are likely to be sneaky about getting their needs met another way through pornography, the internet, or another person.

Sexual discussions need to happen to keep a couple's sex lives going.

As a therapist I hear over and over from heterosexual men that they talk to their wives about sexual fantasies and desires only to be shamed, judged and silenced. Some of it is their own shame and embarrassment about their sexual desires and so many more are about women not being open to hearing their mate's sexuality.

Why is this?

Some marital experts say that for marriage to work in today's times men need to catch up emotionally to where their wives are. In other words, men are behind in learning emotional expression and language.

I agree with this.

However, as much as men need to catch up emotionally, women need to catch up sexually. It isn't fair for a spouse, (male or female) to say, "I won't engage in that sexual fantasy or act with you and you better not get it anywhere else!"

I understand that for many women society, religion, sexism, patriarchy and other factors have caused them to be sexually shut down, stunted and closeted to themselves. I say it is time for that to change and women to claim their sexuality with their male partners along side them and even with their male partners help.

Men need to allow for women's help to learn about attachment and emotionality as do women need to learn from men about sex and sexuality.

What do you think as readers?

Here is something to listen to on this very topic for men and women.

Cuckolds: Straight men having sex with men with women present

Cuckolds: Straight men having sex with men with women present

By Joe Kort, MSW

From time to time I will blog about various cases I have had in my office to illustrate how men can have sex with other men and it not be about homosexuality or even bisexuality.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a cuckold is “a derisive name for the husband of an unfaithful wife.” The concept of being a cuckold is that a man’s wife or girlfriend is interested in being with another man, usually because she complains of not being sexually satisfied by her husband or boyfriend. Often the other man is more endowed and the male partner is therefore humiliated and shamed for not being able to satisfy his woman as this man can. Usually these sexual fantasies involve the women being sexually dominant and forcing their male partners to watch and/or participate in the sexual acts.

In the case of cuckolds, straight men have fantasies where their wives are having sex with another man either in their presence (or not), but with their knowledge. Other straight men fantasize and/or engage in sexual activity with another man's female wife with the husband present and watching (or not), but with the husband's knowledge.Either way the men involved in cuckold fantasies need a woman to be involved or they are left cold.

In other words, if women are not part of the sexual fantasy or the other man is known to be gay or bisexual, the husband or boyfriend is often turned off. The erotic part of the fantasy for these men is that both are heterosexual.

Some argue these men are gay and/or bisexual and in denial—and some are. But there are too many heterosexual men who enjoy the homoeroticism of another male present for various psychological reasons—none of which have to do with homosexuality.

The Story of Jim being a cuckold

Jim, a heterosexual 35-year-old accountant and father of two young children, came to see me after his wife of 10 years found bisexual pornography on their home computer. Jim would erase his computer’s history to avoid his wife’s discovering what he was looking at on the Internet. What he did not count on was that these sites were saved in the computer’s anti-virus software cache. His wife, Lori, accidentally discovered a list of “Googled” websites; the majority of which were bisexual porn sites where men were sexual with other men while women were present.

Jim denied that he was gay or that he was even bisexual. He admitted that he had been looking at gay and bisexual porn and he was horrified that his wife had found out. He told me that he did not have sexual or romantic feelings toward other men, and he had shame around his interest in being sexual with men. This interest began when he realized he was aroused by having threesomes. Jim had always had fantasies about threesomes in which he was with two women.

In college his male friends talked about openly and proudly about their conquests when they convinced a woman to do a threesome with them. One night he and a buddy were drunk and both discovered they were eyeing the same young woman at the bar. They began hitting on her and ultimately all three agreed to have a three-way. They went back to Jim’s apartment and both he and his friend were sexual with her. He was not aroused by his male friend, nor did he have direct sexual contact with his friend during the threesome.

He and his friend enjoyed this experience very much and did this several more times when they were drunk or high during their last year in college. Neither Jim nor his friend ever talked about these experiences after they happened. They never had direct sexual encounters with each other. Jim denied being in touch with any sexual feelings toward his friend in any way. Jim did, though, begin having masturbatory fantasies about threesomes between himself, another man and a woman—involving both men taking turns with the woman. He found pornography that showed images of this both in magazines and on the Internet. It was nothing more than fantasy at that point.

After he graduated he began dating and eventually marrying his current wife to whom he was 100% committed. During the first few years of marriage he felt sexually satisfied and happy. However, as is true for most people, the sexual intimacy reduced between him and his wife. He admitted she was more open to things than most women he had been with. She was willing to give him oral sex and was “good at it;” as well as allowing him to give her anal sex.He stimulated himself with Internet pornography between sexual contacts with his wife.

The pornography was the same as always--two men being sexual with a woman at the same time. This excited him and he joined online groups to find images where two or more men were having sex with one woman. He did not dare disclose this to his wife or friends as he was concerned he would be judged and labeled as gay or bisexual. He knew he was turned on to women both sexually and romantically and found images of women erotic as well. But he also enjoyed the fantasy of threesomes.

Then about five years ago Jim discovered a porn site about men being “cuckolded”.

He did not know what this word meant but found himself strongly interested in the images and stories on these sites.What aroused him most was the idea of being sexual with a woman while he husband watched. He found message boards where couples were looking for a male and masturbated to the thought of his being that male.

One night Jim was on the Internet and found a chat room called “Pix of my hot wife” and discovered men looking for other men to be sexual with their wives while they watched. Jim had now entered an entirely different realm and found himself unable to stop going back to these chat rooms.Jim started chatting with both men and couples about pleasing their wives, about being seen the couple as the one who could satisfy her in ways that the husband could not. The thought of the husband’s watching aroused him more than just finding a woman to have sex with. Ultimately these couples invited Jim to have sex with them in real time rather than just cybersex. Jim agreed and began meeting various couples during which he would have sex with the women and the husbands would watch.

One time Jim was with a couple and in the excitement of doing the wife of one of the couples the wife asked Jim to ejaculate into her husband’s face and mouth. In the heat of the moment, Jim did this and found himself now excited by the thought of doing that each time he was with a couple. This progressed to having the husbands fellate him while the wife watched. Jim was excited by having men get him erect to have intercourse with the man’s wife and/or accept his ejaculation after having intercourse with the man’s wife.

A number of times Jim realized he was being tricked by men who said they had wives while chatting over the Internet but having met them in person found that these men were single and simply wanted to meet a straight man. Jim was turned off by this. He tried to be sexual with the first man who tricked him by convincing him he was with a wife, but Jim could not finish and left the situation.I asked Jim what turned him on about all of this.

Jim enjoyed the dominance and receiving the ultimate prize of a man giving up his wife for him to enjoy.

Jim was truly a heterosexual man who enjoyed erotic play with other men but only in the presence of a woman.

Women at risk for STD's from MSM's

Not only should MSM's be concerned but so should women. The New York Times reported that:

In recent years, the disease has been most common in men who have sex with men. But now, health officials say they are concerned about an increase in cases among women in New York, following a trend seen nationally beginning in 2005. After a decade with almost no female cases, health officials said the jump among women was possibly fueled by an increase in the number of men having sex with both men and women.

City health officials said they were receiving more reports of bisexual behavior among men. And Dr. Stuart Berman, an epidemiologist at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said that in the last few years, New York men with syphilis had reported engaging in bisexual behavior more often than men with the disease in other cities.

An alarming piece from this article was:

Federal health officials estimate that those infected with syphilis are two to five times more likely to become infected with H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS, because of the open sores caused by syphilis. But doctors said that because syphilis was on the decline until recently — medical providers do not routinely screen for it except in pregnant women — many people do not suspect the sores are a sign of infection.

Women deserve to know if their male partners are engaging in sex with men. I have many gay clients who have sex with married men who are not telling their wives they are involved sexually with other men for fear of being labeled gay, bisexual or having their wives leave them.

My hope is this blog will open some doors for men and women to talk more openly to each other and not put either at risk for STD's.

If I enjoy receiving anal sex does that make me gay or bisexual?

This question haunts the many men who enter my office for therapy. The belief is that receiving anal sex equates to homosexuality and bisexuality and even worse to some--femininity!

My quest in this blog is to state repeatedly that an individual can enjoy a sexual act and fantasy unrelated to one's sexual orientation.

So the answer to the question in the title is "No!"

I see many men who enjoy having their wives use a strap-on to perform anal sex with them. They are still men who are straight and enjoy erotic anal play.

The problem is that men feel shame asking their wives to engage in this behavior. Other men do ask but their wives are opposed to it, are offended by being asked, and/or worry that their husbands are gay.

So these straight guise seek out men to act out their fantasy of being anally penetrated. They desire the sexual act, not the man.

The Feeldoe®

The Feeldoe® was invented and patented by a woman. She writes on her website:

Though Mia created Feeldoe® for lesbians and for friends who are female to male transgendered, many heterosexual couples are enjoying these new toys, too! Even men with a little problem can use a Feeldoe®. One way or another, this fabulous invention is pleasing people all over the world!

Those men who do succeed in talking with their wives and receiving anal sex have found the use of this sex toy on this adult website. *WARNING: Do not click if you are uncomfortable viewing sex toys.

Anal sex for males who enjoy receiving is the most troubling concepts for straight men and women because it is so closely tied to homosexuality. My hope is that this posting along with the rest of straightguise.com can assist couples to talk openly and honestly about their sexual desires without labeling and negatively judging each other.

Empowering men who have sex with men to fight AIDS

One of the reasons I started this blog was to educate about all of the factors involved in men who have sex with men. One of the main problems is the risk of HIV. Many believe this is because gay and bisexual men are not responsible.

However a large factor is because many straight men who have sex with other men do not bring condoms because to do so would mean they intended to be sexual with another man and that it might mean they are gay. In other words, if I plan it I wanted it and that means I have a gay identity.

This is homophobia at work. Helping men who have sex with men understand that it does not mean their identity is gay or even bisexual can hopefully allow them to plan and use protection and stop the risk of infection to themselves and to the women in their lives to whom they go home.

An article by By Kevin Frost and Dr. Chris Beyrer in Bay Windows - New England's largest GLBT newspaper on July 26, 2007 reads:

Men who have sex with men, or “MSM,” is a term that applies to those who identify as “gay,” but it also includes many MSM throughout the world whose gender and sexual identities defy Western categorization. For instance, in India there are at least three designations: “Kothis” are effeminate MSM who may nonetheless be married to women and have families; “panthis” are masculine men who have sex with kothis; and “hijras,” who are often castrated, are considered to be a third gender altogether.While these groups often do not identify as a cohesive community, they share a vulnerability to HIV/AIDS.

Men who have sex with men are among the most vulnerable populations to HIV transmission worldwide, and yet they continue to be one of the most underserved. Today, fewer than one in 20 MSM has access to basic HIV education, prevention services or care. Many will die of AIDS simply because appropriate programs to support them do not exist.