If I enjoy receiving anal sex does that make me gay or bisexual?

This question haunts the many men who enter my office for therapy. The belief is that receiving anal sex equates to homosexuality and bisexuality and even worse to some--femininity!

My quest in this blog is to state repeatedly that an individual can enjoy a sexual act and fantasy unrelated to one's sexual orientation.

So the answer to the question in the title is "No!"

I see many men who enjoy having their wives use a strap-on to perform anal sex with them. They are still men who are straight and enjoy erotic anal play.

The problem is that men feel shame asking their wives to engage in this behavior. Other men do ask but their wives are opposed to it, are offended by being asked, and/or worry that their husbands are gay.

So these straight guise seek out men to act out their fantasy of being anally penetrated. They desire the sexual act, not the man.

The Feeldoe®

The Feeldoe® was invented and patented by a woman. She writes on her website:

Though Mia created Feeldoe® for lesbians and for friends who are female to male transgendered, many heterosexual couples are enjoying these new toys, too! Even men with a little problem can use a Feeldoe®. One way or another, this fabulous invention is pleasing people all over the world!

Those men who do succeed in talking with their wives and receiving anal sex have found the use of this sex toy on this adult website. *WARNING: Do not click if you are uncomfortable viewing sex toys.

Anal sex for males who enjoy receiving is the most troubling concepts for straight men and women because it is so closely tied to homosexuality. My hope is that this posting along with the rest of straightguise.com can assist couples to talk openly and honestly about their sexual desires without labeling and negatively judging each other.

Guise and Dolls

Over the years I have treated hundreds of men--gay, bisexual and straight--who tell me that they enjoy various sexual fantasies and sexual acts but would never tell their wives. They want to tell and include her in their sexual world but worry about her judgment about something they already feel ashamed about.

Some actually do tell and receive responses such as this:

"You want me to do that? I am not that kind of woman!"
"Why would you want anal sex? Are you gay?"
"I am not going to do that and you better not get that anywhere else!"
"You cheated on me because you don't love me."

The fact is that most of these men want to engage in sexual behaviors, sexual fantasies, sexual talk, and perhaps pornography--either with their female partners included or at the very least with her knowledge.

Women often judge that if their male partners do not tell her about their sexual interests that it is because they don't love her. The fact is they don't tell because they love her do not want to lose her.

Take my client George for example. He had strong interests in receiving anal sex. He enjoyed inserting dildos and his fingers into his anus and derived strong sexual pleasure from this. He worried he was gay and learned in therapy that enjoying anal sex is not an indicator of one's homosexuality. It is a sexual act and desire which is separate from one's identity.

After George put this into perspective he decided to tell his wife. He told her of his sexual interests in his anal sex where he is the received and asked her if she would be willing to use sex toys and even a strap-on to wear while penetrating him anally. She became immediately angry accusing him of being gay and telling him she never wanted to talk about it.

Feeling ashamed, he never brought it to her attention again and found himself hiding his sex toys and looking for male partners who would anally penetrate him. He was clear that if his wife was receptive to his sexual interest he would not seek out men to engage in this act.

I asked him why he sought men and other women to do this and he said he had but received the same negative judgments from them. He reported that men who enjoyed giving anal sex never judged him. He did not care about what the men looked like or what their personality was he simply enjoyed the sexual act.

I am not blaming his wife for his acting out sexually with other men. I do hold her accountable for not being more open to talking with him about his sexual interest and at least experimenting with his sexual desires.

This is not limited to women in terms of being sexually judgmental. Men can be this way as well when it comes to their partners needs and interests. However, women tend to be less sexually open than men and these men then stray from the marriage to get their sexual needs met.

This illustrates only one of many reasons why men seek out sex with other men.