Response emails to gay for pay

This is an email I received after my "Gay for Pay" article was written. I
am reprinting with permission from the sender:


I believe that there is
such a thing as gay for pay. Many gay for pay performers are mediocre at best
and some of them are downright awful. Any time a man needs to see straight porn
while performing gay sex you should know that he is in bad shape. For example Bam is a porn star
who does not gay and straight porn. More often than not, his gay performances
are not particularly well done. On the other hand, when he performs straight sex,
he does not have a single problem in maintaining an erection sometimes that he
must work on to perform gay sex. Another example is Castro aka Supreme. He is
one of the worst performers around. When he performs with black or Latino
performers, he makes having sex look like a very difficult job to do. He has the
hardest time trying to position his sex partner. The only time when he seems
remotely interested in performing gay sex is when he started to perform with
white gay performers. I think that his performances with them is based on the
fact that he is paid more on a white website than black studios and he can push
his white performers around with great ease because they like being treated that
way particularly when performing with a black star with a big dick. The extreme
lack of intimacy and the absence of touching while performing sex is another
indicator to me. Although I recognize that some gay men will not kiss or touch
their partners, gay for pay performers not only have that problem but they also
will not perform certain other sexual behaviors that they find distasteful like
sucking another man’ penis. This situation is common among many black
homosexuals. One more example watch Bjorn’s movie about making a porn movie and
look at the some of the performers and the expressions on their faces. You see
nothing but disgust and contempt. I will stop rambling. Take care

Sexual Disorientation: Am I Gay, Bisexual, Straight or Somewhere in Between?

So many men who read Straight Guise tell me that my discussions of straight men who have sex with men ( SMSMs) confuses them because before coming out, gay and bisexual men are often in denial and convince themselves that they are 100% straight.

I even receive e-mails, some of them hostile, from gay men who accuse me of keeping gay and bisexual men closeted by citing the ways in which men might still be straight and have sex with men.

They often write, in effect, “If I had read Straight Guise during the years I was in denial and lying to myself, I’d have felt comfort in thinking I was straight and gone on leading an inauthentic heterosexual life.”

For them, staying closeted was fraught with lying to themselves that they were essentially straight, with simply a “kinky” side or that their sexual interests were just that—sexual—and not about their identity. They now have great remorse over the lost years when they could have lived as openly gay men. The trauma of staying closeted was so painful that it strikes a nerve to learn that it’s possible to go through all that and still be straight.

I understand their strong reactions: The trauma of suppressing their identity is so profound that reading Straight Guise can prompt symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, reminding them of their horrible experiences of being closeted and of all the deprogramming it took them to understand they were truly gay.

To me, that all makes perfect sense: I, too, had to go through the very same coming out and deprogramming process as a gay man during my coming out years!

No doubt, the experiences I address in Straight Guise parallel the experiences that every gay man—and some bisexual men--can relate to. Secrecy, shame, hiding, lying, self-hate and self-blame are the very things straight men who have sex with men present in the therapy room.

Differences Between Gay, Bisexual and Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men

There are major differences between SMSMs and gay and bisexual men. Straight men who admit and come out as having sex with other men are usually not anti-gay or homophobic. They do not tell their therapists or people they trust, “I hate fags!” In fact, they usually have gay friends, support and affirm lesbians and gays they know and the gay civil rights movement in general.. They’ve often have read books on coming-out process to see if they are going through that process themselves and to understand what it is to live as a gay man.

Whatever shame and self-hatred these SMSMs are coping with does not arise from homophobia, but from their acting on impulses that are incongruent with their heterosexual orientation.

In other words, they are experiencing something like an addiction, a mood disorder, a chemical disorder or some other compulsion that causes them to go against their own will, repeatedly, and is interfering with their life. They cannot accept it, not out of denial regarding their true identity, but because it is not their true nature the way it would be if one were truly gay or bisexual.

True, some SMSMs are anti-gay and homophobic, straining their masculine muscles to ward off any trait that may appear gay or effeminate. This, too, parallels the dynamic gay men display who resist their homosexual identity and so “protest too much” to attempt to disown that there is anything gay about them. But these are not the SMSM’s who seek treatment and who I write about on the Straight Guise website and blog.

Another difference is that gay and bisexual men recall having sexual interests and crushes on other males during their childhoods, teen years and even in college. Heterosexual men who have sex with men do not have these type of memories. They might have memories of having sexual experiences with other males—some of which are a result of sexual abuse—but it is not erotic for them as is their recall of interest in females once they hit puberty. For them they have always been sexually and romantically interested and aroused by women. Their sexual behavior with other men is episodic, situational, spontaneous and momentary. For gay and bisexual men, the sexual desire is enduring and is connected to a romantic, affectional and psychological desire to connect with another man.

How do I know if I’m one of the SMSMs,
or if I’m truly gay or bisexual and in the closet?

I can’t know for sure what is true or right for you. Only you will discover that as you read and experience things related to sexuality. But I can tell you some things that I’ve learned from my 24 years of treating men and their sexuality issues:

1. Gay men enter the coming out process and recognize their identity not
when they have sex with other men but when they fall in love with other men. Men
can rationalize that their sexual behavior is a bit “kinky” or different but
when he begins to feel romantic desire for another male—in addition to sexual
desire--he then has to consider it is more than just about sex.

2. For
closeted gay men their depression and anxiety arise from being out of integrity
within themselves and from living an inauthentic life related to their identity.
This “out of integrity” dynamic is also true of SMSMs—their behavior goes
against their true orientation—but it is not related to their identity. SMSMs do
not feel compelled to--nor desire to--have a romantic relationship with another
male.

3. No matter how much they read about or investigate the gay
culture, it never feels like a true fit for them. SMSM’s feel a desire only for
the sexual acts with other men. Typically, gay and bisexual men will say they
enjoyed the other guy and whatever they did with him, while the SMSMs enjoy the
sex alone. The other man is irrelevant.

Of course, gay and bisexual men
also have encounters that are only about sex, where the other man is
irrelevant—an insignificant other. It’s also common for heterosexual
men to have sex with women just “to get their rocks off.” The woman is
irrelevant.

But for these gay, bisexual and straight men, that is not always true or
the norm. They will have periods of genuine romantic interest in the person they
hook up with. However, SMSMs never feel any interest in the other male as a
person--only for the sexual act between them. The encounter is strictly sexual, often involving a heightened sexualization of
a certain act, fetish, sexual scene or part of the body.

4. If a man
having sex with other men is authentically gay, his identity will eventually
surface, whether or not he wants it to. When a gay or bisexual man calls me for
therapy and wants to stay closeted and remove any shame or guilt they have about
their homosexuality, I always warn him that the more he talks about his
homosexuality, the harder it will be to keep himself closeted. Ultimately, his coming out process will get activated. He will want to come out and
won’t be able to hold back his identity.

It is reductionistic to assume that having sex with the same gender, in and of itself, makes someone gay or bisexual. That seems to be the worst form of homophobia, contributing to the myth—seized on by reparative therapists and others heterosexists—who define homosexuality as merely sexual behavior.

Being gay or bisexual entails much more than just sex. If a gay or bisexual man never engaged in sexual behavior for the rest of his life, he would still be gay, because that is his identity, not a description of how he behaves.

Does Everyone Think You're Gay?

A nice article appears this month in Details magazine on the concept that For some guys, no amount of evidence to the contrary can kill a certain rumor.

The article was written by by Mike Albo.

Albo starts the story about a friend of his named Gary who is often mistaken for gay when he is 100% straight. He talks about celebrities such as John Travolta and Tom Cruise who have never been able to shake off the rumors even when their lives clearly point to a heterosexual orientation.

This is a good conversation as I have known many clients and men (and women) in my personal life who have this same issue.

The author writes:

Gary's what I like to call a "stray," a straight guy who sends out gay
signals like he's shaking a tambourine even as he proclaims himself—and in fact
is—100 percent heterosexual. The characteristics that define a stray as such
vary widely. Maybe it's a melodious laugh. Or a fastidious shirt-and-tie combo.
Or an effusive signature salutation ("Oh my god! I'm totally psyched to see
you!"). But more often the thing about a heterosexual guy that makes everyone
assume he's a homo is almost impossible to pinpoint. He may talk up his love of
ladies more than Bret Michaels does, he may have a wife and kids, but people
always react the same way: "Really? No, wait—really?"

This phenomenon shouldn't be confused with that of actual gay men who
masquerade as straight. And we're not talking about the metrosexual, that
embodiment of a played-out consumer megatrend that involved slim-cut pants and
moisturizer. Every guy in America knows how to clip his nose hairs and make his
outfit go from day to night. Those skills aren't what make a heterosexual man
read gay. So what does?

Science has tried to figure this out. Researchers have studied
behavioral traits like "hip sway" and "voice quality" and even physical traits
like hair-whorl patterns and finger-length ratios. Richard Lippa, a professor of
psychology at California State University, Fullerton, and the author of Gender,
Nature, and Nurture, says that no one trait can be used to determine someone's
sexuality. But, he says, "I think the one thing we can conclude from the
existing research is that both scientists and laypeople can judge people's
sexual orientation at better-than-chance levels based on behavioral
traits."

That's not what the perpetually mistaken-for-gay man wants to hear. He
wants the word spread that people are often wrong when they play Guess the
Orientation. He wants his having a girlfriend or being married with kids to be a
sufficient indicator that he doesn't like to sleep with men. But you can't stop
the gay rumor once it starts. Strays are often tagged and classified in the
workplace, where, out of curiosity and sheer boredom, colleagues pick each other
apart with forensic specificity, zooming in on the wedding-ring-wearing guy in
sales who likes his limbs tanning-booth bronzed, or the highlighted assistant
who claims to be hot for Scarlett Johansson.

Alex (not his real name), a
website editor in San Francisco, has watched one of his bosses groom himself
into stray territory. "He mixes protein shakes, has lost 150 pounds, wears
Kenneth Cole, and is a member of Equinox," Alex says. "He has lots of female
friends, and he talks about being attracted to them—but the women think of him
as a friend."

Some people, in my judgment, want to believe that these folks are gay and that they are in denial to confirm that their "gaydar" is correct. Others want to catch these individuals in a lie to "out" them and make the confess. Others still have ideas of what it means to be gay or straight and if rumors exist and even if evidence that these folks have has same sex behaviors than it must mean that they are truly gay and closeted.

This blog is about recognizing that it is much more complicated.

What do you think?

Mankind Project's New Warrior Adventure: The Best Program for all Men!

Lately the New Warrior Adventure--sponsored by the Mankind Project (MKP)--has been getting some negative press. The false belief that is being written is that it promotes reparative therapy and helps gay men turn straight. This is the promise given by some reparative therapy groups and therapists. However, this is completely untrue. The MKP teaches men how to be and live as better men--whatever their sexual and romantic orientation is.

I should know. I was initiated through the MKP in 1999 and am proud of it. I have referred hundreds of men through my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love, in which I talk throughout the book of my experiences in MKP and how it helped me and healed me. I have recommended to my male clients that they go and they have returned with nothing more than positive results.

The New Warrior Training Adventure provided me with a group of men, mostly straight, whose mission in life is to help men become better and more mature. Still, I went to this workshop not knowing what to expect—and I’m glad I didn’t. That is exactly what made it so powerful for me. This workshop changed my life, liberated me as a man among men, and opened up new possibilities for me.

Here I was, able to have straight men love me, hold me, and help me feel part of the male culture. It is what I’d wanted and waited for all my life. It helped me heal some work I needed to bond and attach reciprocally with other men.

I can hear a reparative therapist right now saying, “See, it was too late. If Joe had had this experience earlier in life, he wouldn’t have turned out gay.” The truth is that as children, the other men attending also had suffered at the hands of male peers, and most were straight.

To believe that mistreatment makes you gay, you would have to go back and look for the reasons why—first assuming that there’s something wrong with being gay. When heterosexual males suffer mistreatment, no one bothers trying to establish through research that it made them straight.

When I was ten, I went on a camping trip with my uncle and his two sons on a sort of Boy Scout trip with boys and their fathers. I recall dreading it, since I knew this uncle didn’t like me and disapproved of my “sissy” behavior. I remember him talking to my mother and the other adults about me, and most of them in fact agreeing with him!

My own family referred to me as a “mama’s boy.” So to please my mother and those trying to “make a man out of me,” I went on this trip, which turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life. For the canoeing part of the trip, everyone was paired up except me.

Somehow I was separated from my uncle’s boys and got partnered with Uncle Alvin himself.
I recall both of us in life jackets, and feeling the boat tip one way and then the other as my uncle shifted in his seat behind me as he paddled. Being that I was a skinny ten year old and he weighed at least 300 pounds, my uncle’s weight rocked the canoe. I became frightened. Most of the time, I couldn’t see the bottom of the lake. We were alone, with no other canoes in sight.

Sure enough, he leaned too far to one side and we tipped over.

I went under. When I surfaced with the help of the life jacket, I saw the canoe overturned and my uncle trying to right it. I knew we were in deep water, since I couldn’t touch the lake bottom, and I was afraid I would drown. My uncle looked afraid and not in control, which only scared me more. The next thing I recall is both of us back in the canoe, and my uncle yelling at me because I was crying from being scared. For what seemed like hours, he said cutting things such as, “You will never amount to anything. You are a sissy! All you like to do is play house and play with dolls! You are a crybaby, a mama’s boy!” He shouted these patronizing, contemptuous epithets at me, over and over.

As a child you believe what adults say. To a child, adults are always right; so the child makes himself wrong.If the child is right, then the adults in charge must be wrong—and to a preadolescent, that is too overwhelming. So the child unconsciously agrees to be wrong in order to get along with the adults. When we arrived back on land, I was too humiliated to tell a soul about Alvin’s barrage of verbal and emotional abuse. It was as if he’d said aloud what I knew others thought about me—and, in fact—what I felt and believed about myself. I had been crying hard, and my cousin, Alvin’s son, still tells me how shaken I looked when we returned. All I wanted was to get away from him and everyone else.

For years afterward, this incident was the topic of much of my own therapy. Initially, therapists thought this had contributed to my homosexuality—that Alvin’s verbal abuse contributed to and cemented the homosexual identity taking place during my early years.

Today, reparative therapists (and even some other professionals) would say that all of this trauma made me gay; but this would mean that you can shape sexual and romantic orientation. But it doesn’t, because this type of mistreatment happens to any male who doesn’t fit the image of how men should look and act; it doesn’t shape his sexual and romantic orientation.

The fact is, gays and lesbians who raise their own (or adopted) children almost invariably have sons and daughters who grow up straight. Growing up in gay or straight families doesn’t impact children’s sexual orientation either way—but mistreating a gay or effeminate little boy certainly creates low self-esteem, which makes him feel less than a man. Again, this is separate from one’s sexual interests. What makes things worse for gay men is the covert cultural sexual abuse that allows men to be violent to gay males as if we were less than human.

Trying to heal that abuse from my uncle and male peers in therapy did not make me straight. But it did help me understand how those incidents traumatized my masculinity, not my sexual orientation; these are two related but separate entities.

I highly recommend all men who feel they want to improve their lives to attend the New Warrior Adventure and see for themselves the hope, the help and the love that these men who--other than the leaders--volunteer their time and efforts to make these workshops happen--

Sen. Larry Craig to be on Matt Laur Primetime October 16, 2007

NBC confirms Matt Lauer will interview embattled Sen. Larry Craig Tuesday October 16, 2007. The interview will air in a Matt Lauer Reports primetime special. Excerpts will also run on the Today show Wednesday morning. Lauer will also interview the Senator's wife, Suzanne Craig, who will be speaking publicly for the first time about the incident and the events that followed.

While I don't believe he is innocent of his foot tapping and intent to have sex with another man, I also don't believe he is gay.

I have had hundreds of heterosexual male clients have sex with men and the only thing homosexual about it was the sexual act. Nothing more.

Research is starting to support that sexual acts can be distinct from romantic love. In other words, one can have sexual acts with another human being and it can be void of any romantic and affectional feelings.

Men have intuited this all along. Myself included, we men know that there can be sex for release, sex for love and sex for both. So then why is it such a stretch to believe that men having public sex in restrooms with other men are only doing it for sexual release and nothing more.

Researcher Lisa Diamond tackles the issue of sexual desire and romantic love. Diamond, a researcher and Associate Professor Psychology and Gender Studies Department of Psychology at the Univerisity of Utah wrote an article called, Emerging Perspectives on Distinctions Between Romantic Love and Sexual Desire in Current Directions in Psychological in 2004 stating:

Sexual desire typically denotes a need or drive to seek out sexual
objects or
to engage in sexual activities, whereas romantic love typically
denotes
the
powerful feelings of emotional infatuation and attachment
between
intimate
partners.

Okay so we kind of know this. But in her research she says:

Furthermore, extensive cross-cultural and historical research shows
that
individuals often develop feelings of romantic love for partners
of the
‘‘wrong’’ gender (i.e., heterosexuals fall in love with same gender
partners
and lesbian and gay individuals fall in love with
other-gender partners, as
reviewed in Diamond, 2003). Although
some modern observers have argued that
such relationships must
involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the
straightforward
written reports of the participants themselves are not
consistent with
such a blanket characterization. Rather, it seems that
individuals are
capable of developing intense, enduring, preoccupying
affections for
one another regardless of either partner’s sexual
attractiveness or
arousal.

What I find of most interest in that excerpt from her study is this:

Although some modern observers have argued that such relationships must involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the straightforward written reports of the participants themselves are not consistent with such a blanket characterization.

So this explains why it is possible for gays and lesbians to heterosexually marry and truly fall in love with their spouses. They are not manufacturing it they truly are romantically and affectionally attached to their spouses.

Diamond goes onto say in her article:

Why do the majority of human adults fall in love only with partners to whom
they
are sexually attracted? One reason is obviously cultural: Most
human
societies have strong and well-established norms regarding what
types
of feelings and behaviors are appropriate for different types of
adult
relationships, and they actively channel adults into the ‘‘right’’
types
of relationships through a variety of social practices.

I understand that Diamond's study is about romantic love more than sexual desire. But is it too far of a stretch that one can have sex with someone of the same gender and that is all it means--that they had sex with someone of the same gender?

Physical release. Physical touch with another man. The men who come to my office having engaged in these sexual practices with other men tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship with another man, wake up next to another man, or fantasize about anything about another man. When they do the sexual behavior it is impulsive, erotic and a release.

Are there closeted men in those restrooms? Yes. Are they gay men there? Yes. Are there sexually addicted gay and straight men in there. Yes. So why can't we consider that straight men are in there with their own set of issues themselves without it having anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

Isn't that what we are doing to men like Craig? Trying to push him and men like him into cultural boxes so we can all rest easy and match him with what he does sexually to identify him.

We don't know him. But, shouldn't he be the judge?

Diamond, L. M. (2004). Emerging perspectives on distinctions between romantic love and sexual desire. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 13, 116-119.

Gay, straight, bi, MSM all valid terms, researchers say

Today in the Washington Blade :

Craig scandal brings issue of sexual identity to light
Gay, straight, bi, MSM all valid terms, researchers say

ELIZABETH PERRY Friday, September 21, 2007

Sen. Larry Craig’s (R-Idaho) arrest last June for allegedly soliciting sex from another man in an airport restroom and his insistence that he is straight has reawakened the debate over sexual behavior, identity and orientation.“I am not gay. I have never been gay,” Craig said at an oft-quoted Aug. 28 news conference. “I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis Airport.”

Kort, a gay therapist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, said it is possible that Craig might well be homosexual in terms of orientation, but not identity. He said being “gay” is an identity, while being “homosexual” is an orientation.

“I treat many men who are homosexual and do not wish to be gay,” Kort said. “They cannot and do not change their orientation, however. For these men, and Larry Craig may be one of them, being gay is the furthest from how they see themselves. He may be a straight man who enjoys occasional sex with men or he might be a homosexual or bisexual man, but would never identify this way because it is an affirmative identity that does not fit for him.”

That view is controversial among many gays who reject the notion that “gay” is an identity. Some scientists and researchers in fields ranging from psychology, AIDS research, blood donation and more, use the term “men who have sex with men,” or MSM, for their purposes. It’s useful to them because it removes the stigma associated with terms like gay or bi and while questions of the latter terms raise a bounty of identity issues, MSM is more concrete and quantifiable.

20/20 to Feature Love Won Out Conference

Tonight on the television show 20/20 they are doing a story on an organization called, “Love Won Out” which is an anti-gay activist group which proposes that gays can convert to straight.

Focus on the Family's Love Won Out
conference will be featured during a segment of ABC's
20/20 scheduled to air Friday. The show, called "The Toughest Call," is
to air from 9 to 11 p.m. EST. "It's about people who have to make tough
choices in their lives," said Allison Lynn, a 20/20 producer.

Focus on the Family's Love Won Out ministry exhorts and equips the church
to respond in a Christ-like way to the issue of homosexuality. And to those who
struggle with unwanted same-sex attractions, the event offers the Gospel hope
that the desires can be overcome. "Many of the speakers at our conferences
had to make a very difficult choice," said Mónica Martí, Love Won Out media
manager. "They had to choose to live their lives by God's standard for
sexuality, instead of bowing down to their own feelings or what popular culture
said was unavoidable. The courage and transparency they exhibit during their
sessions resonates with men and women struggling with the same decision
today." ABC News Correspondent JuJu Chang visited the conference in Omaha,
Neb., held in April.

As you know if you are a regular blog reader of Straight Guise, I am vehement that if anyone is helped by these organizations and actually "converted" from gay to straight they were not gay to begin with! They were one of the straight guise I identified in the beginning of this blog.

THE CASE OF TED:

Last night I met with a client (Ted), of whom I have had hundreds like him, who was acting out homosexually from sexual abuse as a child and is in full recovery–not of homosexuality but of trauma and abuse.

Ted found guys through the Internet that he could get to worship his muscular athletic body and fellate him. They would even kiss.

While Focus on the Family and Love Won Out would say, “This guy is gay or at least bisexual”–he is neither.We uncovered he was reenacting his childhood trauma and abuse.

As an adolescent an older man told Ted he had a great build for his age–which he did. The abuse went on for several years.

This client is looking for intimacy with men–which our society leaves little to no room for among men.

And Ted is not gay. He is aroused by women, desires women, has sex with women and compulsively sexually acts out with men. He does not desire men, he sexually acts out with them for physical release and other psychological issues--none of which have to do with a homosexual identity.

Focus on the Family and Narth would take these straight men, label them as “homosexuals” struggling with “same sex attraction” and when they heal identity them as ex-gay.
It is not gay. I wish they would leave “gay” and “homosexual” out of their entire discussion.

They believe all homosexuality is about pathological origins and slant good information about heterosexual men and women who have issues with homosexual behavior and label them gay and lesbian.

The other part--perhaps more offensive and hateful--is that there are gay men and women who are riddled with self-hate who look to these organizations as hope that they can change and rid themselves of being homosexual. This is called, "sexual anorexia".

Sexual orientation cannot change–ever!

"I Am Bisexual. I Like Both Gay & Straight Men!" Alan Semonian

This is a quote from a friend of mine who has given me permission to reprint it. I think it speaks to the large number of gay men who enjoy erotic play with straight men.

I have received many emails from gay men who have told me that reading this blog is like reading pornography for them in that they have fantasies of wanting to be sexual with straight men.

I have had many clients that enjoy finding straight men they can convince to be sexual with them.

The following is an excerpt on this topic of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy from chapter 7 of my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love.


I identify the cultural phenomenon of gay males seeking “straight acting” gay men because of internalized homophobia and how they’re more often looking for masculine acting men.

But what about gay men’s sexual obsessions with real straight men? I’ve heard countless clients tell me of their interest in “getting sexual with a straight man” for one night. Some clients talk about wanting the man to remain straight all the way through the fantasy while they “service” him without reciprocation. Others want him to participate by talking or telling him what to do, while still others want him to lay back and be worshiped. Others want the straight man to humiliate them, while still others want the straight man to suddenly become sexually interested back toward him. Whatever the case, it gives you more information about yourself.

I see sexual fantasies about straight men as longings for being accepted by straight men in general or your father. Straight men can be stand-ins for your fathering figures—a dynamic very similar to that of the fag hag who flirts heavily with gay men, knowing nothing will come of it.

In Arousal, Bader describes the situation of straight women sexually attracted to gay men because they’re “safe.” He writes that these women can become “sexually expressive . . . in a more confident and spontaneous way than they can with straight men . . . because their overtures will not be reciprocated. These are women who have anxieties about being sexual with straight men because they’re afraid of being overpowered or rejected.”

A gay man won’t cross the line toward her, makes it safe for women to flirt and be sexually aggressive with him without risking rejection, since he is gay anyway. If she convinces the gay guy to be sexual with her, Bader states that this is “reassurance that she is especially attractive.”

Gay men have been wounded, bruised, beaten down, and humiliated by straight men— resulting in straight men, particularly those in a position of authority, being recipients of both positive and negative transference from gay men. We hear over and over that these men would never accept a sissy boy—which we have accepted that we are. Because of this, gay men often fear straight men.

As children, we do love these paternal figures and we want their acceptance; as adults, we sexualize these straight men because it unconsciously offers a way to feel safely and pleasantly attached to them. In the sexual fantasy of pleasing a straight guy, you finally get a chance to make contact with him and get the approval you have always wanted.

Some gay men have fantasies of overpowering straight men—seducing or forcing gay sex onto them. Again, while these fantasies can make for exciting fun, preoccupation with them or acting on them—even with a willing straight male—won’t help you find Mr. Right in the long run, if that is in fact what you are looking for. It can also be a distraction from examining your own issues around straight males.

Why is it okay for straight women to have a gay fling but not men?

Writer Amy Sohn from New York Magazine writes in her article:

Straight, With an Asterick
It’s acceptable—even a little chic—for straight women to have a gay fling or two. But it’s a whole other story when otherwise straight men do it.

Same-sex experimentation among straight women is trendier than ponchos these days. The L Word is a mainstream hit, and if you go to any nightclub around three in the morning, you’ll see two pink-cheeked girls in a banquette, sucking face, often as their boyfriends watch. Gay experimentation for straight men is becoming more popular, too, even if you don’t see it in a dark corner at Vento.

I remember as a teenager sneaking into a adult film movie theatre in 1979 with my best friend. I recall scenes showing two women kissing and having sex naively thinking that next there would be a scene with two men kissing and having sex. I was a gay teenager so it was my hope that this would be shown. I remember being disappointed and confused as to why they would show two women but not two men.

Now I understand as a psychotherapist that the movies are made for straight men to enjoy, not for women or gay men.

However, today there are still very few porno movies featuring two men unless they are specifically geared toward gay men.

I agree with Sohn when she goes onto explain about straight men who have sex with men:

Those who experiment tend to do it covertly, and often stop short of intercourse. Such men maintain that they are not gay or even bisexual, just sexually progressive. And though in some cases this may just be denial, many say their interest in men comes from their frustration in the role limitations of straight sex.

Sexism and patriarchy block the scenes of two guys going at it in a heterosexual porn movie. And the bottom line is that it won't sell! Straight men will not purchase DVD's with two men inserted having sex with each other.

Or will they?

Could it be that it is women who are blocking the idea of two men being together as much as men?

Sohn reports this in her article:

Jonny, a 32-year-old Web designer, also describes himself as straight, though he’s had several dozen same-sex experiences. “I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay,” he tells me over dinner at Café Orlin as I cough on my tea. “But I like the idea of playing with sex roles and the way I am the object of affection with men, instead of the typical hetero male sexual aggressor.” He says he’s sure he’s straight because he’s always the submissive, he doesn’t find men physically attractive, and “I have 30 gigabytes of porn on my hard drive and it’s all women.” If it weren’t for the several dozen men he’s hooked up with, this might sound more convincing.

He, too, has had bad luck with women when he’s tried to talk about it, except for one woman who listened intently and then had a threesome with him. He sees himself settling down with a woman someday, but she would have to be someone who is okay with bending the rules. “I wouldn’t be happy with a woman who only wanted to play one role.”

I hope that the media coverage of Larry Craig, being on the Downlow and situations like Jim McGreevey will stop forcing men who enjoy having sex with men to have to keep a straight face.

Women need to start asking their male partners about sexual interest and fantasies about being sexual with men. Men need to feel safe to tell women about their sexual interests. Both need to stop being threatened that it will ruin their relationship. Too often it is just a sexual fantasy, interest and/or fetish.

Other times it is about a closeted gay man which of course does threaten the marriage. But, better to know this earlier in the relationship and marriage than down the line with children involved and lives ruined because our society makes it impossible for men to talk about interests in having sex with other men.

Larry Craig: Is he gay, bisexual or a straight man who has sex with men (SMSM)?

If you have not heard by now Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) was arrested in June at a Minnesota airport by a plainclothes police officer investigating lewd conduct complaints in a men’s public restroom.

An associated press writer Todd Dvorak writer writes this:

Craig, 62, has faced rumors about his sexuality since the 1980s, but allegations that he had engaged in gay sex have never been substantiated. He has denied the assertions.

Why does the act of men having sex with men have to be labeled immediately as gay sex?

Gay is an identity not a behavior. To be a gay man describes a sexual orientation characterized by lasting aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual attraction exclusively for others of the same sex or gender. To be gay man means that his thoughts, fantasies and behavior are in aligned. It is an identity based on affectional, emotional, spiritual, psychological and sexual feelings exclusively or mostly to men. Men who have sex with men in public places are not all gay or even bisexual.

Straight people do not want to believe that men can seek and have sex with other men unless he is gay or bisexual. They immediately dismiss all the reasons that are not about homosexuality because to believe otherwise means that any man is "at risk" for having sex with other men. This is intolerable in the homophobic times in which we live to most non-gay people.

But why are gays so quick to label Craig as gay? Perhaps Andrew Sullivan understands best when he writes:

Craig seems to have made a habit of voting against laws that would secure the rights of gay men and lesbians. In addition to supporting the Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, he voted against a bill that would have banned job discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, against expanding the definition of hate crimes to include sexual orientation, and was rated zero by the Human Rights Campaign in each of the last three Congresses (1, 2, 3; all pdf.) I truly can't imagine what it would be like -- how little self-respect a person would have to have -- to amass that sort of voting record while cruising for gay sex in airport restrooms.

We want to believe that only a self-loathing closeted homosexual would do this sort of thing. This would help make sense as to why someone would vote against gays and be so prejudice.

And this might be true.

But it also might be true that Craig struggles with sexual compulsions, desires and interest in men that have nothing to do with a closeted gay identity. He may be fighting with concerns that he is gay and does not want to be. He might believe the popular press that if he is sexual with men he is gay when he knows he is not.

Perhaps if there was room for men to explore their homosexual interests and desires without having to label it, there would be little to no public restroom sex and few to no people fighting with themselves about sex sex behavior and a gay sexual identity

There needs to be room for other opinions than simply he is gay!

MSM as a construct

Interesting research found at EQUAL GROUND is the only organisation in Sri Lanka working towards mainstreaming Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans (LGBT) issues:

As a risk category, MSM are not limited to small self-identified and visible sub-populations, such as gay men and male sex workers. ‘MSM’ and ‘homosexual’ refer to different social identities. ‘MSM’ refers to the sexual relationships between men, whether or not they identify with same-sex sexual desire. ‘Homosexuality’, however, refers to more than the sexual relationship and may extend to broader relationships with the same sex, i.e. lifestyle, sexuality, etc.
In their assessment of the knowledge about the sexual networks and behaviours of men who have sex with men in Asia, Dowsett, Grierson and McNally observed that using MSM as a category does not always work. From the material they have reviewed there is not any clearly identifiable group of men who can be labelled MSM in any of the countries that they investigated.

“The literature reveals that there are no socially or self-defined groups of men that fit into an overarching category of MSM. What the review shows is that there are just men!! Fishermen, students, factory workers, military recruits, truck drivers, and men who sell sex, and so on: all these categories of men are to be found in the studies and programmes reviewed.”

There was no similar traits in all of the MSM population studied other than them being males, and engaging in sex with other men.

Guy on Guy Sex vs. Girl on Girl Sex

Here is exactly what I have been talking about in terms of women and their male partner's sexuality.

Time Out New York / Issue 621 : August 22, 2007 - August 22, 2007
Get Naked
By Jamie Bufalino

Q: This question needs a lot of setup, so I hope you’ll bear with me. I’m a 28-year-old straight guy; my girlfriend and I (we live together) went out last weekend with another couple we’ve become friends with. We’d been drinking a lot, and before we called it a night the other couple invited us up for one last drink.

We were just sitting around talking, and of course the subject of sex came up and instantly changed the vibe in the room. We kept drinking and sharing sex stories and then the other couple started going at it—kissing, he was grabbing her boobs, she had her hand in his crotch.

My girlfriend and I looked at each other and decided to start going at it too. You can probably tell where this is going—yep, foursome! But an awkward foursome. At first, we were all just naked with our own significant others, but then the guy suggested we all go into the bedroom.

To make a long story short, my girlfriend and I had a quick discussion about it and laid some ground rules. I was okay with watching her get fucked by the other guy (as long as he wore a condom) and of course I was okay with her fooling around with the girl. She was cool with me fucking the other girl, but then she kind of laughed and said, “No guy-on-guy.”

Obviously, I wasn’t expecting or desiring any guy-on-guy, but in the middle of the four-way (while the girls were on top of each other), the guy grabbed my dick and started sucking it. I went with it, and there was hell to pay afterward.

I got called certain names, my sexuality was questioned.

We worked it out, but I’m left with some anger toward my girlfriend. What do you have to say about the whole situation?

Here is Jamie Bufalino's excellent answer:

A: Frankly, I think your girlfriend needs to grow up. Either she’s into being sexually open and adventurous or she’s not—she can’t have it both ways, and she can’t embrace it just for her and not you.

It’s pathetic and hypocritical enough that so many straight guys think that girl-on-girl sex is hot while being completely homophobic when it comes to guy-on-guy, so the world doesn’t need straight women exhibiting such stupidity as well.

It also annoys me that you gave her carte blanche to do whatever she wanted, and she repaid you by giving you restrictions. In the larger picture, what her actions reveal is that she’s got serious trust issues.

The idea that one homo-ish encounter (while she was in the room and having a homo-ish encounter of her own, no less) somehow means that you’re not the man she thought you were is ridiculous. She turned what could have been a fun sexfest into a self-conscious test of your devotion. Good for you for working through it, but since you’ve still got anger about the incident, you two need to hash things out again. I wouldn’t focus on the sex part—zero in on the trust problem.

Ask her why she felt the need to rein you in so much. Delve into what her fears are regarding the health, status and longevity of your relationship. The homo freak-out was merely a symptom of some underlying insecurity, so the best thing you can do is summon up compassion for her on that score and not take her suspiciousness as a personal affront.

On MSNBC's column Sexploration by Brian Alexander he answers this question below


Q. My husband of four years is driving me crazy about oral sex. I don’t like doing it and don’t want to. I think it is degrading and disgusting. He also wants to see me on “all fours” naked. This is also degrading to me. Any advice?

Brian's answer below:

A. Aside from doing it, you mean? Well, how about reading Joe Kort’s last comment above about trying to understand men's needs and desires and then making an effort?

You seem pretty quick to place limits on sex. No oral? No doggie style? Geez. Look, getting married does not mean you must accede to everything your spouse desires, but perhaps you should ask yourself why you think oral sex is disgusting and degrading. Religious teaching?

Brian then goes on to spotlight the work of Joe Beam who is a religious expert who preaches that if your husband wants to engage in certain sexual fantasies, acts and behaviors with you as his wife why is that humiliating and degrading?

While I do not agree with Beam's religious aspects--which are anti-gay amongst other things--or his politics (He has rubbed elbows with James Dobson and the late Jerry Falwell) I believe his sexual message is a good one for couples--gay or straight.

He says:

Can you give us some techniques for oral sex?

He does, and, using his hand and arm as props, describes it in detail (“…creating suction and warmth with your mouth, your tongue here…”) complete with sound effects.

Is mutual masturbation OK?

"Yes."

Which sex toys are good, and can we use them at all?

“I usually get the question this way,” Beam answers. “‘What does the Bible say about vibrators?”

More laughter.

“Can we use a vibrator? Sure you can if you want to.”

What can you do if your wife is having trouble reaching orgasm?

“Try having sex doggy-style and simultaneously masturbating.”

He offers another suggestion: “You’ve heard of the proverbial 69?” Some in the audience return blank stares. He stares back, open-mouthed, and gently mocks them. “Huh? Is that in Acts?”

MSM Terminology

Here is another email I received about where the term MSM originated:

When the term MSM was coined it was to created it as you described to create an objective term so that materials produced could be relevant to any man who has sex with other men, regardless of how he identifies -- in getting information to men, and wanting it to be relevant they wanted to remove any internal barriers that might allow a man to say -- this isn't about me.

And if you think about it -- the exact reasons why homosexual sounds so right to you -- "a term with a history and culture" -- means that it runs into the same issue when using the term gay or bisexual -- by appearing to a segment of MSM as not being applicable to them.

Its also important to note that MSM is a clinical term and isn't really designed to be an identity, its just a way of putting a set of behaviors under a single roof that might be applicable to a variety of identities.

Currently those within the bisexual community are pushing to also make HIV/AIDS materials that are an expansion of the MSM materials that include behaviors MSMW -- so this carries information about sexuality transmitted diseases that men can carry with little or no effect that has a larger effect on women; additional information as relates to bisexual health and awareness, etc.

The Boston community is really in forefront of a lot of this work here in the US -- Fenway Community Health has been producing a specific bisexual targeted HIV/AIDS program that produces pamphlets specifically stating bisexual and another one for MSMW -- you should check them out. You should also look at the Bisexual Resource Center's website as they have a multitude of resources on Bisexual Health as well as other categories.

Bisexuality

Here is an email I received by a blog reader who has given me permission to publish his email to which I respond:

While I appreciate the discussion you've created on this list and on your Blog I do think that your website does also feed into a didactic viewpoint of one much either be Gay or Straight -- while you have injected the word bisexual or bisexuality in a few places, largely the content on your site seems to reflect a very either/or mentality which I think also inhibits men from understanding and accepting what their choices are beyond gay or straight. I think is most pronounced when we talk about men who are married who continue to have enjoyable and fulfilling sex with their wives also desire to have sex with men. It seems that almost everything is placed in terms of gay or homosexuality -- you don't frame this as bi or bisexuality, nor does this seem to be a viable option in your discussions, it doesn' t seem to come up.

By using dualistic terminology places in an individual into an immediate state of conflict -- of having to choose one over the other.

So I would say that I would like to see more discussions about bisexual identity as a third option -- to me, this is not the same as being gay -- and while that identity does also have its share of societal trials and tribulations -- the statistics show that in sexual identity mixed marriages, where the husband comes out during the marriage -- that in those marriages in which the husband identifies as bisexual there is almost double the success rate than in which the husband identifies as gay.

Makes sense when you think about it -- bi is inclusive of the wife, while gay is exclusive. With all of the issues that arise for a wife when a husband comes out, his identification plays a role in how that drama will play out.
Alexei

I agree wholeheartedly with you Alexei and will be posting more about bisexuality.

Here is some resources for readers to explore:

1. Bisexual.org
2. Books by Fritz Klein
3. Bisexual health: An introduction and model practices for HIV/STI prevention programming
   Sexual health issues affecting bisexuals have been largely ignored and underrepresented in academic and professional literature. Many bisexuals have negative experiences with health care providers, whether it is because they are afraid to come out to their providers or because their providers give them improper or incomplete information on HIV/STI prevention.
   This report serves as an introduction to bisexuality and a model programming guide for HIV/STI prevention.
   Created by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Policy Institute, BiNet USA and the Fenway Institute.

Empowering men who have sex with men to fight AIDS

One of the reasons I started this blog was to educate about all of the factors involved in men who have sex with men. One of the main problems is the risk of HIV. Many believe this is because gay and bisexual men are not responsible.

However a large factor is because many straight men who have sex with other men do not bring condoms because to do so would mean they intended to be sexual with another man and that it might mean they are gay. In other words, if I plan it I wanted it and that means I have a gay identity.

This is homophobia at work. Helping men who have sex with men understand that it does not mean their identity is gay or even bisexual can hopefully allow them to plan and use protection and stop the risk of infection to themselves and to the women in their lives to whom they go home.

An article by By Kevin Frost and Dr. Chris Beyrer in Bay Windows - New England's largest GLBT newspaper on July 26, 2007 reads:

Men who have sex with men, or “MSM,” is a term that applies to those who identify as “gay,” but it also includes many MSM throughout the world whose gender and sexual identities defy Western categorization. For instance, in India there are at least three designations: “Kothis” are effeminate MSM who may nonetheless be married to women and have families; “panthis” are masculine men who have sex with kothis; and “hijras,” who are often castrated, are considered to be a third gender altogether.While these groups often do not identify as a cohesive community, they share a vulnerability to HIV/AIDS.

Men who have sex with men are among the most vulnerable populations to HIV transmission worldwide, and yet they continue to be one of the most underserved. Today, fewer than one in 20 MSM has access to basic HIV education, prevention services or care. Many will die of AIDS simply because appropriate programs to support them do not exist.

Sex in public places: Where Straight Guise Hide

There is a great article in Mondays Miami Herald on sex in public restrooms by Steve Rothaus.

This quote is one of the reasons why straight men turn to other men. Gay men have always known that the men coming to have sex at restrooms are closeted gay men and straight men looking for quick, anonymous sexual encounters that they cannot get with women either because they are afraid to talk to her about their sexual interests.

The percentage of people I represent on the charges, the vast number of them turn out to be very straight and very married,'' said Kent, publisher of the website NationalGayNews.com. ``They're looking for moments of instant gratification.''

Guise and Dolls

Over the years I have treated hundreds of men--gay, bisexual and straight--who tell me that they enjoy various sexual fantasies and sexual acts but would never tell their wives. They want to tell and include her in their sexual world but worry about her judgment about something they already feel ashamed about.

Some actually do tell and receive responses such as this:

"You want me to do that? I am not that kind of woman!"
"Why would you want anal sex? Are you gay?"
"I am not going to do that and you better not get that anywhere else!"
"You cheated on me because you don't love me."

The fact is that most of these men want to engage in sexual behaviors, sexual fantasies, sexual talk, and perhaps pornography--either with their female partners included or at the very least with her knowledge.

Women often judge that if their male partners do not tell her about their sexual interests that it is because they don't love her. The fact is they don't tell because they love her do not want to lose her.

Take my client George for example. He had strong interests in receiving anal sex. He enjoyed inserting dildos and his fingers into his anus and derived strong sexual pleasure from this. He worried he was gay and learned in therapy that enjoying anal sex is not an indicator of one's homosexuality. It is a sexual act and desire which is separate from one's identity.

After George put this into perspective he decided to tell his wife. He told her of his sexual interests in his anal sex where he is the received and asked her if she would be willing to use sex toys and even a strap-on to wear while penetrating him anally. She became immediately angry accusing him of being gay and telling him she never wanted to talk about it.

Feeling ashamed, he never brought it to her attention again and found himself hiding his sex toys and looking for male partners who would anally penetrate him. He was clear that if his wife was receptive to his sexual interest he would not seek out men to engage in this act.

I asked him why he sought men and other women to do this and he said he had but received the same negative judgments from them. He reported that men who enjoyed giving anal sex never judged him. He did not care about what the men looked like or what their personality was he simply enjoyed the sexual act.

I am not blaming his wife for his acting out sexually with other men. I do hold her accountable for not being more open to talking with him about his sexual interest and at least experimenting with his sexual desires.

This is not limited to women in terms of being sexually judgmental. Men can be this way as well when it comes to their partners needs and interests. However, women tend to be less sexually open than men and these men then stray from the marriage to get their sexual needs met.

This illustrates only one of many reasons why men seek out sex with other men.

Reparative Therapy Guise?

***Note*** My intention in this blog entry is not to put down the work of Warren Throckmorton but to explain why I see concepts of reparative therapy throughout his work as a result of his statement that "his work does not have elements of sexual reorientation".

Warren Throckmorton posted what he believes to be my "misinterpretation" about his guidelines of his work. I blogged on July 26 this:

The problem is that when you read on both Throckmorton and Yarhouse talk about homosexuality as being able to be changed. Like reparative therapy they promise to make straight soldiers out of homosexual men....... I do wish Throckmorton and Yarhouse would stop promising to change peoples sexual and romantic orientation.

Throckmorton took issue with what I wrote on his blog writing:

Puzzled, I am. In fact, here is what we say in the framework:

Prior to outlining the recommendations, let us define what they are not. They are not sexual reorientation therapy protocols in disguise.

But throughout Warren Throckmorton's work on both his website and blog he does mention that change is possible. It may not be in the guidelines but it is throughout his body of work.

Here are just a few references from Throckmorton's work supporting and believing that change from gay to straight is possible:

In the video, "I Do Exist"

"Produced by Dr. Warren Throckmorton, I DO EXIST is a documentary about homosexuals who have changed their identity to one that is heterosexual. The documentary explores the different types of homosexuality from the people who dabble in it and people who adopt a gay identity...The most important part of the documentary is interviews with people who had identified as gay for many years and decided to change...

He is the producer of this video and still sells it and endorses it today. That means he supports the concept that sexual reorientation from gay to straight is possible.

Next, on Throckmorton's website he sites Exodus and PFOX as appropriate resources for those struggling with homosexual behavior. These groups promote the concept of changing from gay to straight. This is anti-gay and harmful.

That would be like me saying the KKK is a resource being for people struggling with Judaism!

And finally, Throckmorton's support of Yarhouse's work, which talks about changing from gay to straight, shows his support in that type of work.

It is important in anyone's work not to isolate a guideline or a book without looking at the entirety of one's body of work. Throckmorton cannot deny that while the main thrust of his work is not about changing sexual orientation, he does support those who do in his writings, videos and website.

Where does the concept of changing from straight to gay start and stop within Throckmorton's work. Hopefully he and his colleagues will work out these bugs within their work.

Men struggling with same sex attractions, desires and sexual behaviors should not be told, promised or guided to resources that speak of change of sexual orientation if they are, in fact, gay. This is harmful and a lie.

Wayne Besen (and numerous others doing research in sexual reorientation) have dispelled this work of the false concept of changing from gay to straight time and time again.

Where Throckmorton and I overlap is in helping men make sense of their same sex behaviors and assisting them in living congruent lives with integrity within themselves and others.

I believe Throckmorton's work is the best work out there at this time in helping men live within integrity with themselves if coming out is not an option for them. But they are still homosexuals. The one's who "change" were not gay from the start. Period.

Is my man checking out other men? Homosexual fantasies aren't always a red flag

I was interview by Brian Alexander of MSNBC about Straight Guise.

Brian Alexander, an MSNBC contributor answered the following question:

What should a wife do if she suspects her husband is thinking of another — and that other is a man?

Q. My husband doesn’t want sex more than once or twice a week. Recently, I accidentally found some material on his computer that indicates he enjoys homosexual and transsexual/transvestite porn. Is it possible he’s gay or is this a normal thing for some men to be into?

A. I help Brian answer this woman's question at MSNBC.com