Sen. Larry Craig to be on Matt Laur Primetime October 16, 2007

NBC confirms Matt Lauer will interview embattled Sen. Larry Craig Tuesday October 16, 2007. The interview will air in a Matt Lauer Reports primetime special. Excerpts will also run on the Today show Wednesday morning. Lauer will also interview the Senator's wife, Suzanne Craig, who will be speaking publicly for the first time about the incident and the events that followed.

While I don't believe he is innocent of his foot tapping and intent to have sex with another man, I also don't believe he is gay.

I have had hundreds of heterosexual male clients have sex with men and the only thing homosexual about it was the sexual act. Nothing more.

Research is starting to support that sexual acts can be distinct from romantic love. In other words, one can have sexual acts with another human being and it can be void of any romantic and affectional feelings.

Men have intuited this all along. Myself included, we men know that there can be sex for release, sex for love and sex for both. So then why is it such a stretch to believe that men having public sex in restrooms with other men are only doing it for sexual release and nothing more.

Researcher Lisa Diamond tackles the issue of sexual desire and romantic love. Diamond, a researcher and Associate Professor Psychology and Gender Studies Department of Psychology at the Univerisity of Utah wrote an article called, Emerging Perspectives on Distinctions Between Romantic Love and Sexual Desire in Current Directions in Psychological in 2004 stating:

Sexual desire typically denotes a need or drive to seek out sexual
objects or
to engage in sexual activities, whereas romantic love typically
denotes
the
powerful feelings of emotional infatuation and attachment
between
intimate
partners.

Okay so we kind of know this. But in her research she says:

Furthermore, extensive cross-cultural and historical research shows
that
individuals often develop feelings of romantic love for partners
of the
‘‘wrong’’ gender (i.e., heterosexuals fall in love with same gender
partners
and lesbian and gay individuals fall in love with
other-gender partners, as
reviewed in Diamond, 2003). Although
some modern observers have argued that
such relationships must
involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the
straightforward
written reports of the participants themselves are not
consistent with
such a blanket characterization. Rather, it seems that
individuals are
capable of developing intense, enduring, preoccupying
affections for
one another regardless of either partner’s sexual
attractiveness or
arousal.

What I find of most interest in that excerpt from her study is this:

Although some modern observers have argued that such relationships must involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the straightforward written reports of the participants themselves are not consistent with such a blanket characterization.

So this explains why it is possible for gays and lesbians to heterosexually marry and truly fall in love with their spouses. They are not manufacturing it they truly are romantically and affectionally attached to their spouses.

Diamond goes onto say in her article:

Why do the majority of human adults fall in love only with partners to whom
they
are sexually attracted? One reason is obviously cultural: Most
human
societies have strong and well-established norms regarding what
types
of feelings and behaviors are appropriate for different types of
adult
relationships, and they actively channel adults into the ‘‘right’’
types
of relationships through a variety of social practices.

I understand that Diamond's study is about romantic love more than sexual desire. But is it too far of a stretch that one can have sex with someone of the same gender and that is all it means--that they had sex with someone of the same gender?

Physical release. Physical touch with another man. The men who come to my office having engaged in these sexual practices with other men tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship with another man, wake up next to another man, or fantasize about anything about another man. When they do the sexual behavior it is impulsive, erotic and a release.

Are there closeted men in those restrooms? Yes. Are they gay men there? Yes. Are there sexually addicted gay and straight men in there. Yes. So why can't we consider that straight men are in there with their own set of issues themselves without it having anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

Isn't that what we are doing to men like Craig? Trying to push him and men like him into cultural boxes so we can all rest easy and match him with what he does sexually to identify him.

We don't know him. But, shouldn't he be the judge?

Diamond, L. M. (2004). Emerging perspectives on distinctions between romantic love and sexual desire. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 13, 116-119.

Fear, Risk & Danger

This week on the cover of the New Yorker. This ritual which has been going on for more than 40 years suddenly makes news just because of Larry Craig? My hope would be that those who write and talk about this in the media will stick to the facts about why and what really goes on those bathrooms rather than sensationalizing it and making a mockery out of it.

As Joseph Campbell once said;

Boys everywhere have a need for rituals, marking their passage to manhood. If society does not provide them, they will inevitably invent their own.

If we don't start acknowledging and making room for straight men having sex with other men this behavior will only continue in underground, dark and secretive places shaming the men who do it causing them to do it even more.

FEAR, RISK and DANGER

These are the crucial elements that cause these men to act out sexually with other men in public places. They are also what cause new lovers and couples who fight and make up to have hot, bonding and exciting sex. The fear, risk and danger of losing someone and being abandoned during the vulnerable time of attaching to new love or in conflict with your partner who you do not want to lose activates natural drugs within your body chemistry.

Natural chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins and adrenaline give sex its "high." Sexual behavior causes chemical changes in the brain, which promote a mood-altering and mind-altering experience.

Then there's a natural drug in our bodies called phenylethylamine or PEA for short. This drug is released when we fall in love each time. Like any drug, it's first release is its most potent which is why most people will say they "never got over their first love". They remember the chemical high that bonds attaches you to a partner.

PEA is an essential chemical for those who are addicted to inherently risky behaviors like gambling, shoplifting, bungee jumping, and sex. PEA's molecular structure parallels amphetamine, and is strongest when first released. This also explains why so many people with addictions say they're always seeking the feeling they had during their first high, and want to re-experience it over and over.

Great books to read about these chemicals to explain why men like Larry Craig would engage in public sex are

and

Is It Just a Phase to Haze?

A hazing article posted on Posted by The Grand Rapids Press September 05, 2007 entitled:

Teen in hazing case sentenced to probation

The hazing detailed in the school and police investigation included restraining students by holding down their arms and legs, slapping victims' stomachs to cause the skin to turn pink, applying pressure to the victim's rectal area through their clothes using thumbs or fingers -- on one occasion, a toothbrush was used to apply pressure. The allegations also included pulling down the perpetrators' pants and putting their rear ends in the face of victims, and using their hands in the victim's genital areas.

I find it of interest that no one talks about the homo-erotic tone to these types of acts. When these articles are written there are no accusations of those involved being homosexual, gay or bisexual.

Why is that? Certainly there is something sexual--even if covertly--about these boys engaging in these types of acts. And yet there is no public outcry, accusations or exploration about what these boys are trying to express in terms of their sexuality.

I suggest that these males engaging in these behaviors are Straight Guise who have various interests in exploring homosexuality and perhaps are not gay. The only permission we give males in our society to expore this is being on the downlow, violence, hazing, bathrooms, or other underground and dark places.

Men's Room Sex

Today the NYT Editorial has a great piece on police raids of men's rooms called,

America’s Toe-Tapping Menace By Laura M. MacDonald published on September 2, 2007.

In it she writes:

For almost 40 years most police departments have been aware of something that still escapes the general public: men who troll for sex in public places, gay or “not gay,” are, for the most part, upstanding citizens. Arresting them costs a lot and accomplishes little.

(Above is the arresting police officer, Police Sgt. Dave Karsnia)

In 1970, Laud Humphreys published the groundbreaking dissertation he wrote as a doctoral candidate at Washington University called “Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Public Places.” Because of his unorthodox methods — he did not get his subjects’ consent, he tracked down names and addresses through license plate numbers, he interviewed the men in their homes in disguise and under false pretenses — “Tearoom Trade” is now taught as a primary example of unethical social research.

That said, what results! In minute, choreographic detail, Mr. Humphreys (who died in 1988) illustrated that various signals — the foot tapping, the hand waving and the body positioning — are all parts of a delicate ritual of call and answer, an elaborate series of codes that require the proper response for the initiator to continue. Put simply, a straight man would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered.

I would disagree with her last statement that, "a straight men would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered".

Rather, an uninterested man would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered.

I love how the author of this Op-Ed piece ends her story:

...let’s stop being so surprised when we discover that our public figures have their own complex sex lives, and start being more suspicious when they self-righteously denounce the sex lives of others.

AMEN!

Bag-A-Fag: Bathroom Stings

In the Detroit, Michigan area, bathroom stings are quite common in certain rest areas and restrooms. I know this because I receive referrals from an organization here in Detroit called the Triangle Foundation. The Triangle Foundation ensures these men are treated fairly by the law and the police.

The referrals are usually deeply closeted homosexual men who do not self-identify as gay. They are in the early stages of coming out deeply repressed. They are usually married, with children and hold highly prestigious jobs. Others are not gay nor do they desire sex with men. The main reason is for sexual release and lack of judgment during the sexual act. They are not fantasizing or longing for a man the way they would women.

The main reasons are that they are re-enacting early childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse or are interested in certain sexual acts which they are afraid to tell anyone--especially their wives. Others are bisexual and closeted about their homosexual side. Other reasons exist as well which, again, have nothing to do with homosexual orientation.



I have heard repeatedly that the police informally call the operation Bag-a-Fag. This form of prejudice and hatred is repulsive of course. More ignorant to me is that the police force or anyone else believe that these are only gay men in the stalls of these bathrooms.




To the left is the police officer who arrested Sen. Larry Craig. From the tapes played on television he sounded professional and appropriate which is what I would hope would be the case. However my clients tell me over and over that the police officers who arrest them call them homophobic names and deal with them in contempt.

When my straight clients have been caught having public sex they either get a "tap on the car door" or a "flashlight on them on the beach" and told to go somewhere private with the police officer smiling affirmly.

Because these are men having sex with men the belief this is about gay men and it is not.

In the article, So Many Men's Rooms, So Little Time Why men like Larry Craig continue to to court danger in public places. By Christopher Hitchens on Saturday, Sept. 1, 2007 Hitchens starts out well talking about a popular piece of research by Laud Humphrey;

In his study of men who frequent public restrooms in search of sex, Laud Humphreys discovered that 54 percent were married and living with their wives, 38 percent did not consider themselves homosexual or bisexual, and only 14 per cent identified themselves as openly gay. Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Personal Places, a doctoral thesis which was published in 1970, detailed exactly the pattern—of foot-tapping in code, hand-gestures and other tactics—which has lately been garishly publicized at the Minneapolis-St Paul airport men's room. The word "tearoom" seems to have become archaic, but in all other respects the fidelity to tradition is impressive.

The men interviewed by Humphreys wanted what many men want: a sexual encounter that was quick and easy and didn't involve any wining and dining. Some of the heterosexuals among them had also evolved a tactic for dealing with the cognitive dissonance that was involved. They compensated for their conduct by adopting extreme conservative postures in public. Humphreys, a former Episcopalian priest, came up with the phrase "breastplate of righteousness" to describe this mixture of repression and denial. So it is quite thinkable that when Sen. Craig claims not to be gay, he is telling what he honestly believes to be the truth.

But then he moves to this:

However, this still leaves a slight mystery. In the 1960s, homosexuality was illegal in general and gay men were forced to cruise in places where (if I can phrase it like this) every man and boy in the world has to come sometime. Today, anyone wanting a swift male caress can book it online or go to a discreet resort. Yet people still persist in haunting the tearoom, where they risk arrest not for their sexuality but for "disorderly conduct." Why should this be?

He is assuming that gay men are in these stalls after he just cited research that showed that most of the men are not self-identified as gay.

The truth is that these men have numerous reasons why they sexually act out with men.

So to Hitchens and others who have the same question as to why should this be, the reason is that any form of adult male to male affection and male contact other than sports is prohibited. This is not a gay thing, it is a guy thing!

This is a "guy" issue, not a "gay" issue.

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The GOP's Bathroom Problem and Larry Craig

There is a great article today in The Nation about the possibility that some of the men caught in public bathroom sex are not gay or bisexual. It supports my straight guise theory.

The Nation Mon Aug 27, 8:13 PM ET by Richard Kim

The Nation -- What's up with Republican politicos getting arrested by undercover cops for soliciting sex in public restrooms? First, Florida state representative Bob Allen, formerly John McCain's state campaign co-chair, was arrested in July after he offered a police officer $20 for the privilege of performing oral sex. And today, news broke that back in June, Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho), long the subject of gay rumors, was arrested in a Minnesota airport by a plainclothes cop investigating lewd conduct in the men's bathroom. Both men are married--to women. (See Max Blumenthal at Campaign Matters for more details.)

The author goes on to say this which I think is very important:

But I wonder if the GOP's burgeoning "bathroom problem" isn't reflective of something larger than just a bunch of conservative dudes who couldn't come out of the closet. There's something palpably sad to me about what happened to Allen and Craig too, something oddly touching about their misplaced faith in the fading world of secret, anonymous gay sex. That world--once found in bathrooms, parks, piers and adult bookstores; the furtive refuges of adventuresome queers, married men, the curious--has been swept away by so many police raids, privatization schemes, quality of life campaigns and internet dating services. But mostly, it's fallen away as gays have become increasingly integrated into the mainstream, and also, paradoxically, more marked than ever. "You're either gay or you're not" seems to be the equation.

Until someone like Craig, Allen, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard or Jim McGreevey shows up to ripple momentarily the waters of public discourse on sex. These guys have problems, no doubt. But we might also pause to wonder if there's some cultural knot that gay liberation--despite its original and best intentions--has left in place. At the very least the link between public power and domestic heterosexuality--with all the fetishistic displays of family life that entails--has yet to be completely severed. Just ask Rudy Guiliani, or Hillary Clinton! Moreover, that knot, perhaps best described as sexual propriety, is what fuels the moral campaigns against homosexuality that have become one of the Republican Party's identifying causes--loyally supported by the likes of Craig, Haggard, Foley, et. al.

It's also what leads Bob Allen to the stunning and revealing calculation that it would be better to be seen in the public eye as an avowed racist than as someone who likes to have sex with men sometimes.

The "something" this author is trying to understand is that these men are simply straight men have sex with other men for many reasons. Are some of these men gay and bisexual? Yes of course. But the truth is that so many are not and there needs to be room in our culture for that.