Sen. Larry Craig to be on Matt Laur Primetime October 16, 2007

NBC confirms Matt Lauer will interview embattled Sen. Larry Craig Tuesday October 16, 2007. The interview will air in a Matt Lauer Reports primetime special. Excerpts will also run on the Today show Wednesday morning. Lauer will also interview the Senator's wife, Suzanne Craig, who will be speaking publicly for the first time about the incident and the events that followed.

While I don't believe he is innocent of his foot tapping and intent to have sex with another man, I also don't believe he is gay.

I have had hundreds of heterosexual male clients have sex with men and the only thing homosexual about it was the sexual act. Nothing more.

Research is starting to support that sexual acts can be distinct from romantic love. In other words, one can have sexual acts with another human being and it can be void of any romantic and affectional feelings.

Men have intuited this all along. Myself included, we men know that there can be sex for release, sex for love and sex for both. So then why is it such a stretch to believe that men having public sex in restrooms with other men are only doing it for sexual release and nothing more.

Researcher Lisa Diamond tackles the issue of sexual desire and romantic love. Diamond, a researcher and Associate Professor Psychology and Gender Studies Department of Psychology at the Univerisity of Utah wrote an article called, Emerging Perspectives on Distinctions Between Romantic Love and Sexual Desire in Current Directions in Psychological in 2004 stating:

Sexual desire typically denotes a need or drive to seek out sexual
objects or
to engage in sexual activities, whereas romantic love typically
denotes
the
powerful feelings of emotional infatuation and attachment
between
intimate
partners.

Okay so we kind of know this. But in her research she says:

Furthermore, extensive cross-cultural and historical research shows
that
individuals often develop feelings of romantic love for partners
of the
‘‘wrong’’ gender (i.e., heterosexuals fall in love with same gender
partners
and lesbian and gay individuals fall in love with
other-gender partners, as
reviewed in Diamond, 2003). Although
some modern observers have argued that
such relationships must
involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the
straightforward
written reports of the participants themselves are not
consistent with
such a blanket characterization. Rather, it seems that
individuals are
capable of developing intense, enduring, preoccupying
affections for
one another regardless of either partner’s sexual
attractiveness or
arousal.

What I find of most interest in that excerpt from her study is this:

Although some modern observers have argued that such relationships must involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the straightforward written reports of the participants themselves are not consistent with such a blanket characterization.

So this explains why it is possible for gays and lesbians to heterosexually marry and truly fall in love with their spouses. They are not manufacturing it they truly are romantically and affectionally attached to their spouses.

Diamond goes onto say in her article:

Why do the majority of human adults fall in love only with partners to whom
they
are sexually attracted? One reason is obviously cultural: Most
human
societies have strong and well-established norms regarding what
types
of feelings and behaviors are appropriate for different types of
adult
relationships, and they actively channel adults into the ‘‘right’’
types
of relationships through a variety of social practices.

I understand that Diamond's study is about romantic love more than sexual desire. But is it too far of a stretch that one can have sex with someone of the same gender and that is all it means--that they had sex with someone of the same gender?

Physical release. Physical touch with another man. The men who come to my office having engaged in these sexual practices with other men tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship with another man, wake up next to another man, or fantasize about anything about another man. When they do the sexual behavior it is impulsive, erotic and a release.

Are there closeted men in those restrooms? Yes. Are they gay men there? Yes. Are there sexually addicted gay and straight men in there. Yes. So why can't we consider that straight men are in there with their own set of issues themselves without it having anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

Isn't that what we are doing to men like Craig? Trying to push him and men like him into cultural boxes so we can all rest easy and match him with what he does sexually to identify him.

We don't know him. But, shouldn't he be the judge?

Diamond, L. M. (2004). Emerging perspectives on distinctions between romantic love and sexual desire. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 13, 116-119.

Women and their husband''s sexuality

Husband to his wife: "Let's talk about sexual fantasies to spice up our sex lives."

Wife to husband: "Okay you go first."

Husband: "I have a fantasy of watching you have sex with a younger guy pleasing you until you scream in ecstasy."

Wife: (Angrily) "How could you think like that? Don't you have more respect for me?"

Husband: "It is not about disrespect it is just a fantasy. Even if we make it a reality it would not make me disrespect you it is just sex to me."

Wife: "Well I am no longer in the mood and I never want to hear hear you say that again."

I am not suggesting that women (or men) should be coerced or forced to have open relationships or do things that are against their will and humiliating. However, what I am saying is that spouses need to be able to talk about their sexual fantasies and desires without judgment and contempt and criticism.

Without being able to talk about this openly--especially for men--they are likely to be sneaky about getting their needs met another way through pornography, the internet, or another person.

Sexual discussions need to happen to keep a couple's sex lives going.

As a therapist I hear over and over from heterosexual men that they talk to their wives about sexual fantasies and desires only to be shamed, judged and silenced. Some of it is their own shame and embarrassment about their sexual desires and so many more are about women not being open to hearing their mate's sexuality.

Why is this?

Some marital experts say that for marriage to work in today's times men need to catch up emotionally to where their wives are. In other words, men are behind in learning emotional expression and language.

I agree with this.

However, as much as men need to catch up emotionally, women need to catch up sexually. It isn't fair for a spouse, (male or female) to say, "I won't engage in that sexual fantasy or act with you and you better not get it anywhere else!"

I understand that for many women society, religion, sexism, patriarchy and other factors have caused them to be sexually shut down, stunted and closeted to themselves. I say it is time for that to change and women to claim their sexuality with their male partners along side them and even with their male partners help.

Men need to allow for women's help to learn about attachment and emotionality as do women need to learn from men about sex and sexuality.

What do you think as readers?

Here is something to listen to on this very topic for men and women.

Cuckolds: Straight men having sex with men with women present

Cuckolds: Straight men having sex with men with women present

By Joe Kort, MSW

From time to time I will blog about various cases I have had in my office to illustrate how men can have sex with other men and it not be about homosexuality or even bisexuality.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a cuckold is “a derisive name for the husband of an unfaithful wife.” The concept of being a cuckold is that a man’s wife or girlfriend is interested in being with another man, usually because she complains of not being sexually satisfied by her husband or boyfriend. Often the other man is more endowed and the male partner is therefore humiliated and shamed for not being able to satisfy his woman as this man can. Usually these sexual fantasies involve the women being sexually dominant and forcing their male partners to watch and/or participate in the sexual acts.

In the case of cuckolds, straight men have fantasies where their wives are having sex with another man either in their presence (or not), but with their knowledge. Other straight men fantasize and/or engage in sexual activity with another man's female wife with the husband present and watching (or not), but with the husband's knowledge.Either way the men involved in cuckold fantasies need a woman to be involved or they are left cold.

In other words, if women are not part of the sexual fantasy or the other man is known to be gay or bisexual, the husband or boyfriend is often turned off. The erotic part of the fantasy for these men is that both are heterosexual.

Some argue these men are gay and/or bisexual and in denial—and some are. But there are too many heterosexual men who enjoy the homoeroticism of another male present for various psychological reasons—none of which have to do with homosexuality.

The Story of Jim being a cuckold

Jim, a heterosexual 35-year-old accountant and father of two young children, came to see me after his wife of 10 years found bisexual pornography on their home computer. Jim would erase his computer’s history to avoid his wife’s discovering what he was looking at on the Internet. What he did not count on was that these sites were saved in the computer’s anti-virus software cache. His wife, Lori, accidentally discovered a list of “Googled” websites; the majority of which were bisexual porn sites where men were sexual with other men while women were present.

Jim denied that he was gay or that he was even bisexual. He admitted that he had been looking at gay and bisexual porn and he was horrified that his wife had found out. He told me that he did not have sexual or romantic feelings toward other men, and he had shame around his interest in being sexual with men. This interest began when he realized he was aroused by having threesomes. Jim had always had fantasies about threesomes in which he was with two women.

In college his male friends talked about openly and proudly about their conquests when they convinced a woman to do a threesome with them. One night he and a buddy were drunk and both discovered they were eyeing the same young woman at the bar. They began hitting on her and ultimately all three agreed to have a three-way. They went back to Jim’s apartment and both he and his friend were sexual with her. He was not aroused by his male friend, nor did he have direct sexual contact with his friend during the threesome.

He and his friend enjoyed this experience very much and did this several more times when they were drunk or high during their last year in college. Neither Jim nor his friend ever talked about these experiences after they happened. They never had direct sexual encounters with each other. Jim denied being in touch with any sexual feelings toward his friend in any way. Jim did, though, begin having masturbatory fantasies about threesomes between himself, another man and a woman—involving both men taking turns with the woman. He found pornography that showed images of this both in magazines and on the Internet. It was nothing more than fantasy at that point.

After he graduated he began dating and eventually marrying his current wife to whom he was 100% committed. During the first few years of marriage he felt sexually satisfied and happy. However, as is true for most people, the sexual intimacy reduced between him and his wife. He admitted she was more open to things than most women he had been with. She was willing to give him oral sex and was “good at it;” as well as allowing him to give her anal sex.He stimulated himself with Internet pornography between sexual contacts with his wife.

The pornography was the same as always--two men being sexual with a woman at the same time. This excited him and he joined online groups to find images where two or more men were having sex with one woman. He did not dare disclose this to his wife or friends as he was concerned he would be judged and labeled as gay or bisexual. He knew he was turned on to women both sexually and romantically and found images of women erotic as well. But he also enjoyed the fantasy of threesomes.

Then about five years ago Jim discovered a porn site about men being “cuckolded”.

He did not know what this word meant but found himself strongly interested in the images and stories on these sites.What aroused him most was the idea of being sexual with a woman while he husband watched. He found message boards where couples were looking for a male and masturbated to the thought of his being that male.

One night Jim was on the Internet and found a chat room called “Pix of my hot wife” and discovered men looking for other men to be sexual with their wives while they watched. Jim had now entered an entirely different realm and found himself unable to stop going back to these chat rooms.Jim started chatting with both men and couples about pleasing their wives, about being seen the couple as the one who could satisfy her in ways that the husband could not. The thought of the husband’s watching aroused him more than just finding a woman to have sex with. Ultimately these couples invited Jim to have sex with them in real time rather than just cybersex. Jim agreed and began meeting various couples during which he would have sex with the women and the husbands would watch.

One time Jim was with a couple and in the excitement of doing the wife of one of the couples the wife asked Jim to ejaculate into her husband’s face and mouth. In the heat of the moment, Jim did this and found himself now excited by the thought of doing that each time he was with a couple. This progressed to having the husbands fellate him while the wife watched. Jim was excited by having men get him erect to have intercourse with the man’s wife and/or accept his ejaculation after having intercourse with the man’s wife.

A number of times Jim realized he was being tricked by men who said they had wives while chatting over the Internet but having met them in person found that these men were single and simply wanted to meet a straight man. Jim was turned off by this. He tried to be sexual with the first man who tricked him by convincing him he was with a wife, but Jim could not finish and left the situation.I asked Jim what turned him on about all of this.

Jim enjoyed the dominance and receiving the ultimate prize of a man giving up his wife for him to enjoy.

Jim was truly a heterosexual man who enjoyed erotic play with other men but only in the presence of a woman.