Women and their husband''s sexuality

Husband to his wife: "Let's talk about sexual fantasies to spice up our sex lives."

Wife to husband: "Okay you go first."

Husband: "I have a fantasy of watching you have sex with a younger guy pleasing you until you scream in ecstasy."

Wife: (Angrily) "How could you think like that? Don't you have more respect for me?"

Husband: "It is not about disrespect it is just a fantasy. Even if we make it a reality it would not make me disrespect you it is just sex to me."

Wife: "Well I am no longer in the mood and I never want to hear hear you say that again."

I am not suggesting that women (or men) should be coerced or forced to have open relationships or do things that are against their will and humiliating. However, what I am saying is that spouses need to be able to talk about their sexual fantasies and desires without judgment and contempt and criticism.

Without being able to talk about this openly--especially for men--they are likely to be sneaky about getting their needs met another way through pornography, the internet, or another person.

Sexual discussions need to happen to keep a couple's sex lives going.

As a therapist I hear over and over from heterosexual men that they talk to their wives about sexual fantasies and desires only to be shamed, judged and silenced. Some of it is their own shame and embarrassment about their sexual desires and so many more are about women not being open to hearing their mate's sexuality.

Why is this?

Some marital experts say that for marriage to work in today's times men need to catch up emotionally to where their wives are. In other words, men are behind in learning emotional expression and language.

I agree with this.

However, as much as men need to catch up emotionally, women need to catch up sexually. It isn't fair for a spouse, (male or female) to say, "I won't engage in that sexual fantasy or act with you and you better not get it anywhere else!"

I understand that for many women society, religion, sexism, patriarchy and other factors have caused them to be sexually shut down, stunted and closeted to themselves. I say it is time for that to change and women to claim their sexuality with their male partners along side them and even with their male partners help.

Men need to allow for women's help to learn about attachment and emotionality as do women need to learn from men about sex and sexuality.

What do you think as readers?

Here is something to listen to on this very topic for men and women.

Erotic Intelligence: Theater of the Sexual Mind

I am trained in helping individuals and couples understand the meaning of their sexual lives, fantasies and behaviors.

A large portion of my practice is dedicated to those suffering from sexual addiction and compulsivity, sexual abuse, sexual identity confusion, MSM's and other related sexual issues.

I have a chapter on what I call one's "Sexual Shadow" in Chapter 7 in my book, "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love".



And now there is a book for couples that takes these books a step further exploring the secret logic to sexual issues between couples; MATING IN CAPTIVITY by Esther Perel.

“Emotional intelligence” has become an increasingly popular term to help people improve performance in the workplace and in educational settings. Employers and teachers are coming to recognize that emotional intelligence plays a role in understanding people.

Similarly, erotic intelligence—what men and women do and fantasize about sexually—reveals quite a bit about them. Your sexual fantasies are a result of your psychological makeup. Your libido is not separate from who you are. In fact, much of one’s identity is embedded in their erotic life. Just as you can tell much about people from the friends they keep, so you can tell a lot about anyone by understanding his sexual desires.

MSM’s arousal templates have prompted them to be sexually drawn to encounters with other men. Erotic intelligence is not so much about sex as it’s expressed through sex, and this chapter will help explain why. One’s childhood and past experiences become linked and embedded in one’s arousal template—one’s sexual fantasies, desires and behaviors.