Cuckolds: Straight men having sex with men with women present
By Joe Kort, MSW
From time to time I will blog about various cases I have had in my office to illustrate how men can have sex with other men and it not be about homosexuality or even bisexuality.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a cuckold is “a derisive name for the husband of an unfaithful wife.” The concept of being a cuckold is that a man’s wife or girlfriend is interested in being with another man, usually because she complains of not being sexually satisfied by her husband or boyfriend. Often the other man is more endowed and the male partner is therefore humiliated and shamed for not being able to satisfy his woman as this man can. Usually these sexual fantasies involve the women being sexually dominant and forcing their male partners to watch and/or participate in the sexual acts.
In the case of cuckolds, straight men have fantasies where their wives are having sex with another man either in their presence (or not), but with their knowledge. Other straight men fantasize and/or engage in sexual activity with another man's female wife with the husband present and watching (or not), but with the husband's knowledge.Either way the men involved in cuckold fantasies need a woman to be involved or they are left cold.
In other words, if women are not part of the sexual fantasy or the other man is known to be gay or bisexual, the husband or boyfriend is often turned off. The erotic part of the fantasy for these men is that both are heterosexual.
Some argue these men are gay and/or bisexual and in denial—and some are. But there are too many heterosexual men who enjoy the homoeroticism of another male present for various psychological reasons—none of which have to do with homosexuality.
The Story of Jim being a cuckold
Jim, a heterosexual 35-year-old accountant and father of two young children, came to see me after his wife of 10 years found bisexual pornography on their home computer. Jim would erase his computer’s history to avoid his wife’s discovering what he was looking at on the Internet. What he did not count on was that these sites were saved in the computer’s anti-virus software cache. His wife, Lori, accidentally discovered a list of “Googled” websites; the majority of which were bisexual porn sites where men were sexual with other men while women were present.
Jim denied that he was gay or that he was even bisexual. He admitted that he had been looking at gay and bisexual porn and he was horrified that his wife had found out. He told me that he did not have sexual or romantic feelings toward other men, and he had shame around his interest in being sexual with men. This interest began when he realized he was aroused by having threesomes. Jim had always had fantasies about threesomes in which he was with two women.
In college his male friends talked about openly and proudly about their conquests when they convinced a woman to do a threesome with them. One night he and a buddy were drunk and both discovered they were eyeing the same young woman at the bar. They began hitting on her and ultimately all three agreed to have a three-way. They went back to Jim’s apartment and both he and his friend were sexual with her. He was not aroused by his male friend, nor did he have direct sexual contact with his friend during the threesome.
He and his friend enjoyed this experience very much and did this several more times when they were drunk or high during their last year in college. Neither Jim nor his friend ever talked about these experiences after they happened. They never had direct sexual encounters with each other. Jim denied being in touch with any sexual feelings toward his friend in any way. Jim did, though, begin having masturbatory fantasies about threesomes between himself, another man and a woman—involving both men taking turns with the woman. He found pornography that showed images of this both in magazines and on the Internet. It was nothing more than fantasy at that point.
After he graduated he began dating and eventually marrying his current wife to whom he was 100% committed. During the first few years of marriage he felt sexually satisfied and happy. However, as is true for most people, the sexual intimacy reduced between him and his wife. He admitted she was more open to things than most women he had been with. She was willing to give him oral sex and was “good at it;” as well as allowing him to give her anal sex.He stimulated himself with Internet pornography between sexual contacts with his wife.
The pornography was the same as always--two men being sexual with a woman at the same time. This excited him and he joined online groups to find images where two or more men were having sex with one woman. He did not dare disclose this to his wife or friends as he was concerned he would be judged and labeled as gay or bisexual. He knew he was turned on to women both sexually and romantically and found images of women erotic as well. But he also enjoyed the fantasy of threesomes.
Then about five years ago Jim discovered a porn site about men being “cuckolded”.
He did not know what this word meant but found himself strongly interested in the images and stories on these sites.What aroused him most was the idea of being sexual with a woman while he husband watched. He found message boards where couples were looking for a male and masturbated to the thought of his being that male.
One night Jim was on the Internet and found a chat room called “Pix of my hot wife” and discovered men looking for other men to be sexual with their wives while they watched. Jim had now entered an entirely different realm and found himself unable to stop going back to these chat rooms.Jim started chatting with both men and couples about pleasing their wives, about being seen the couple as the one who could satisfy her in ways that the husband could not. The thought of the husband’s watching aroused him more than just finding a woman to have sex with. Ultimately these couples invited Jim to have sex with them in real time rather than just cybersex. Jim agreed and began meeting various couples during which he would have sex with the women and the husbands would watch.
One time Jim was with a couple and in the excitement of doing the wife of one of the couples the wife asked Jim to ejaculate into her husband’s face and mouth. In the heat of the moment, Jim did this and found himself now excited by the thought of doing that each time he was with a couple. This progressed to having the husbands fellate him while the wife watched. Jim was excited by having men get him erect to have intercourse with the man’s wife and/or accept his ejaculation after having intercourse with the man’s wife.
A number of times Jim realized he was being tricked by men who said they had wives while chatting over the Internet but having met them in person found that these men were single and simply wanted to meet a straight man. Jim was turned off by this. He tried to be sexual with the first man who tricked him by convincing him he was with a wife, but Jim could not finish and left the situation.I asked Jim what turned him on about all of this.
Jim enjoyed the dominance and receiving the ultimate prize of a man giving up his wife for him to enjoy.
Jim was truly a heterosexual man who enjoyed erotic play with other men but only in the presence of a woman.