Sunday, December 23, 2007

Is Public Sex Okay?


After taking the poll if you want to elaborate on why you think it is okay or not please feel free to do so here on this blog. I would love to hear people's thoughts and reactions.

Also, there are reports that men who have sex with men are arrested moreso than if women having sexual relations with men are when discovered by police. Gay groups state that straight folks get a finger shaking warning and are told to go home whereas men who have sex with men get arrested.

Do you believe this? Why do you think this is? Gay groups site homophobia. Is there more to it than this?

Gay men seek straight men in public restrooms

In an article appearing in the Advocate's year end issue by Benoit Denizet-Lewis From The Advocate January 15, 2008 entitled, Public Sex Confidential

Denizet-Lewis asks:

So what is it that still drives some in the gay community out of the bedroom and into the Bathroom?

And the article is a well-researched response to some of the reasons. One is how compelling it is for gay men to find straight men in public bathrooms:

One powerful motivating factor for many gay men seeking sex in public
places is the belief that they will find the ultimate sexual prize there:
“straight” men. You won’t bump into many married or self-identified straight
guys in gay bars, but you will find them in public sex places, where they
believe their anonymity is best protected, and where they can get
no-strings-attached gay sex without the hassle of having to actually talk to gay
people (many public sex encounters are done without exchanging a word).

“The reality is that gay men are tripping over each other in public
places to service the guys that carry themselves in the most masculine way
possible, the guys that they believe will then go home to their wives or their
straight lives,” says Joe Kort, a psychotherapist and the author of 10 Smart
Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives.

“Straight guys are the ultimate unavailable man, but for a few minutes
in the darkness gay men can have them. And for many gay men it’s the first time,
and the only real place, where they will feel seen, accepted, and validated as
sexual people by straight men. But in the context of public sex, it’s a twisted
form of validation.”

Undercover cops looking to arrest men engaged in public sex understand
that appearing straight carries currency in parks and bathrooms. Richard
Tewksbury’s study “Conversation at the Oasis” -- published in the March 22,
2007, issue of The Journal of Men’s Studies -- details the following
conversation between a cruiser and an undercover police officer on a park nature
trail:

Suspect: You come down here much?

Officer: This is my first time. I just heard about it on the
Internet.

Suspect: You’re a good-looking man.

Officer: Thanks. My wife thinks so too.

The study surveyed police records of 127 cases of public gay sex in a
California city between 1995 and 2005. Tewksbury found that awareness of the
potential for arrest “does not appear to deter cruising activity,” which might
explain why Couture and others don’t believe that Larry Craig’s arrest will keep
men from seeking out public sex. On the contrary, Couture says. “Thanks to good
old Larry Craig,” he tells me, “every man in the United States now knows exactly
how to go about getting sex in a bathroom.”

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Homosexual Anxiety Disorder

I have posted about Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the past. Although not a formal diagnosis in psychology, there are a growing number of straight men who suffer from this disorder.

I found an excellent resource outlining it at http://www.neuroticplanet.com/hocd.php.

Homosexuality Anxiety

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Takes Many Forms



Obsessive-compulsive
disorder
involves intrusive thoughts that are unwanted and distressing to
the individual. Sometimes these thoughts take the form of persistent notions
about having a different sexual orientation. For example, a person who has had
many years of satisfied, opposite sex relationships might suddenly start to
worry that he or she is actually homosexual. Some people who have this
manifestation of OCD have taken to calling this "HOCD" or "Homosexual OCD."
HOCD is not a scientific term, but has evolved out of the OCD community as a way
to describe the distress caused by anxieties over unwanted thoughts about being
gay.
Clinicians, educators, and people with HOCD can use the table below to
better understand differences between the experience of someone with HOCD and
the experience of someone with a homosexual sexual identity. Note that this is
not a clinical screening instrument as it has not been validated for use in this
manner, and not all items will apply to every person. Furthermore, the second
column applies to a relatively well-adjusted gay person. A homosexual person
with severe internalized homophobia may not be well represented in either
category.




To read the table they created to outline the difference between a Homosexual Orientation and Homosexual Anxiety OCD go to NeuroticPlanet.com

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Are ex-gays aligned with New Warrior Adventure Mankind Project

The reason for my blogging these articles about MKP is that I want men to know that it is a safe place for all men to attend whether you are gay, bi, straight, questioning or a man who has unwanted sexual attractions to men. Sexual and romantic orientation is not what the workshops are about. It is about becoming mature men who find direction in their personal journey.
Last week Wayne Besen, author of Anything But Straight, a book exposing ex-gay reparative groups, wrote a column about The New Warrior Adventure called, Nude Warrior Adventure, which included some material which was not true.
In the column, Besen discussed the troubling ties ManKind's New Warriors program has with ex-gay ministries, which aggressively tout the retreat in their efforts to supposedly instill masculinity in their clients.

Besen has since learned and now written that this any ties from MKP to exgay groups is false. He has since written a second column about it.
Here is Wayne Besen's follow up column to the first article:

Last week, I wrote about the ManKind Project, a weekend retreat that tries to jolt men into dealing with deep personal issues. In the column, I discussed the troubling ties ManKind's New Warriors program has with ex-gay ministries, which aggressively tout the retreat in their efforts to supposedly instill masculinity in their clients.

It turns out, however, that the love affair may be one sided. The ManKind Project does not support ex-gay therapy and does not believe that their program helps gay men go straight. Indeed, New Warriors has a large gay following and many who attended consider it helpful to their coming out experience.

I received more than 25 letters from gay men who said that the program helped them accept their sexual orientation."The ManKind Project gave me the confidence and wherewithal to finally say, 'I am a gay man,'" said one participant from Wisconsin."The program helped me become a better husband,' wrote another gay man from the Washington, DC area. "As I knocked down the walls, I became more comfortable with myself and able to give 100 percent to my partner.

The program literally saved my relationship."These letters are incongruous with the cheerleading ManKind receives from homophobic ex-gay groups, such as Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH) and the website People Can Change. In fact, People Can Change director Ben Newman, who served as a trainee and co-staffer in the New Warrior program, started the ex-gay retreat, "Journey Into Manhood" with several other New Warriors.

So, is the ManKind Project's New Warriors program gay affirming or does it cater to ex-gay fringe groups? I posed this question in a conference call with the group's Executive Director Carl Griesser.

Well-known gay author Joe Kort - a vocal proponent of the organization - was also in on the conversation. Griesser said he was troubled by the way ex-gay ministries had been promoting his group and that his organization did not support the ex-gay cause. He suggested they had misinterpreted what his group meant by instilling masculinity in men."There is a difference between masculinity and sexual orientation," Griesser said on the call. He pointed out that almost every New Warriors training session has at least one openly gay or bisexual man.

Kort, a psychotherapist, passionately defended the organization as a group that helps men "live in honesty and integrity...whatever their sexual orientation is." "Straight men and gay men are all welcome and come together helping each other be part of the male culture even with the differences," explained Kort.

In fact, New Warriors has a position statement that flat out says, "We do not and will not attempt to change a man's sexual orientation." However, this statement is not currently on the group's website, making it difficult to know that ManKind is not an adjunct of the ex-gay ministries. Griesser said he would take this issue up with ManKind officials in a call later this week. I certainly hope that they take this issue seriously, as not to cause any confusion of what the group stands for. In my previous column, I also discussed how the organization had some unorthodox activities.

This includes:** Blindfolded walking tours in the nude** Men sitting in a circle discussing their sexual histories while passing a wooden dildo called "The Cock"** Naked men beating cooked chickens with a hammerWhile this may seem bizarre to outsiders, Kort and Griesser defended the activities as helping men accept their bodies."There is so much shame about the body," said Griesser. "The nudity put me and others in an honest space to deal with the shame...the goal is to take men's sexuality out of the shadows."

Critics also point to the harsher aspects of the program, such as meeting participants with men in dark clothing and painted faces."We want to shake men up," said Griesser. "They can only be awakened if we shake them out of their routine." There is also the problem of a lawsuit by the family of a Texas man who committed suicide after attending the program. They are charging that New Warriors is administering therapy without trained professionals. "This is therapeutic, but not therapy," Griesser said. "It is a legal issue that will be addressed in this case."

Whatever one thinks of the group's tactics, it is clear that many gay men find it beneficial. It is also a relief that what ostensibly appears to be a program sympathetic to ex-gay ministries, is actually opposed to them. However, the ManKind Project must do more to publicly distance themselves from these dangerous groups. To downplay how ex-gay organizations have latched on to them, leaves the ManKind Project naked and fully exposed to criticism it might not deserve.



Saturday, December 1, 2007

The Mankind Project's Position Statement on Reparative Therapy



The ManKind Project
Position Statement on Reparative Therapy





The ManKind Project adopts the following position statement:

  1. We affirm that all men are welcome on our trainings and in our communities.

  2. We create trainings and circles in which all men are welcome to discover the deepest truths. We welcome men of all sexual orientations: gay, straight, and bisexual, including those who identify as having unwanted same sex attraction, to do their own work as they define it, to respect the identity and value of others, and to take responsibility for the impact their words and behaviors on others.

  3. We support each man in pursuing his path to deeper authenticity. We do not provide therapy nor endorse any particular therapy, including reparative therapy. Any group or organization that states or implies otherwise does so without our permission.

  4. We do not, and will not, attempt to change a man’s sexual orientation.

  5. We stand firm in support of gay and bisexual men. We support men who believe that homosexuality is a normal part of the spectrum of human sexuality and of mature masculinity.

  6. We will not tolerate proselytizing for any religion or belief, organizing training staff into groups that exclude others, guiding men’s processes in a predetermined direction, or grooming men for the training.

  7. We will not tolerate discrimination on our trainings or in our communities. We support our training and community leaders in identifying and challenging discriminatory language and behavior.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Mankind Project's New Warrior Adventure: The Best Program for all Men!


Lately the New Warrior Adventure--sponsored by the Mankind Project (MKP)--has been getting some negative press. The false belief that is being written is that it promotes reparative therapy and helps gay men turn straight. This is the promise given by some reparative therapy groups and therapists. However, this is completely untrue. The MKP teaches men how to be and live as better men--whatever their sexual and romantic orientation is.

I should know. I was initiated through the MKP in 1999 and am proud of it. I have referred hundreds of men through my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love, in which I talk throughout the book of my experiences in MKP and how it helped me and healed me. I have recommended to my male clients that they go and they have returned with nothing more than positive results.
The New Warrior Training Adventure provided me with a group of men, mostly straight, whose mission in life is to help men become better and more mature. Still, I went to this workshop not knowing what to expect—and I’m glad I didn’t. That is exactly what made it so powerful for me. This workshop changed my life, liberated me as a man among men, and opened up new possibilities for me.

Here I was, able to have straight men love me, hold me, and help me feel part of the male culture. It is what I’d wanted and waited for all my life. It helped me heal some work I needed to bond and attach reciprocally with other men.

I can hear a reparative therapist right now saying, “See, it was too late. If Joe had had this experience earlier in life, he wouldn’t have turned out gay.” The truth is that as children, the other men attending also had suffered at the hands of male peers, and most were straight.

To believe that mistreatment makes you gay, you would have to go back and look for the reasons why—first assuming that there’s something wrong with being gay. When heterosexual males suffer mistreatment, no one bothers trying to establish through research that it made them straight.

When I was ten, I went on a camping trip with my uncle and his two sons on a sort of Boy Scout trip with boys and their fathers. I recall dreading it, since I knew this uncle didn’t like me and disapproved of my “sissy” behavior. I remember him talking to my mother and the other adults about me, and most of them in fact agreeing with him!

My own family referred to me as a “mama’s boy.” So to please my mother and those trying to “make a man out of me,” I went on this trip, which turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life. For the canoeing part of the trip, everyone was paired up except me.

Somehow I was separated from my uncle’s boys and got partnered with Uncle Alvin himself.
I recall both of us in life jackets, and feeling the boat tip one way and then the other as my uncle shifted in his seat behind me as he paddled. Being that I was a skinny ten year old and he weighed at least 300 pounds, my uncle’s weight rocked the canoe. I became frightened. Most of the time, I couldn’t see the bottom of the lake. We were alone, with no other canoes in sight.
Sure enough, he leaned too far to one side and we tipped over.

I went under. When I surfaced with the help of the life jacket, I saw the canoe overturned and my uncle trying to right it. I knew we were in deep water, since I couldn’t touch the lake bottom, and I was afraid I would drown. My uncle looked afraid and not in control, which only scared me more. The next thing I recall is both of us back in the canoe, and my uncle yelling at me because I was crying from being scared. For what seemed like hours, he said cutting things such as, “You will never amount to anything. You are a sissy! All you like to do is play house and play with dolls! You are a crybaby, a mama’s boy!” He shouted these patronizing, contemptuous epithets at me, over and over.

As a child you believe what adults say. To a child, adults are always right; so the child makes himself wrong.If the child is right, then the adults in charge must be wrong—and to a preadolescent, that is too overwhelming. So the child unconsciously agrees to be wrong in order to get along with the adults. When we arrived back on land, I was too humiliated to tell a soul about Alvin’s barrage of verbal and emotional abuse. It was as if he’d said aloud what I knew others thought about me—and, in fact—what I felt and believed about myself. I had been crying hard, and my cousin, Alvin’s son, still tells me how shaken I looked when we returned. All I wanted was to get away from him and everyone else.

For years afterward, this incident was the topic of much of my own therapy. Initially, therapists thought this had contributed to my homosexuality—that Alvin’s verbal abuse contributed to and cemented the homosexual identity taking place during my early years.


Today, reparative therapists (and even some other professionals) would say that all of this trauma made me gay; but this would mean that you can shape sexual and romantic orientation. But it doesn’t, because this type of mistreatment happens to any male who doesn’t fit the image of how men should look and act; it doesn’t shape his sexual and romantic orientation.

The fact is, gays and lesbians who raise their own (or adopted) children almost invariably have sons and daughters who grow up straight. Growing up in gay or straight families doesn’t impact children’s sexual orientation either way—but mistreating a gay or effeminate little boy certainly creates low self-esteem, which makes him feel less than a man. Again, this is separate from one’s sexual interests. What makes things worse for gay men is the covert cultural sexual abuse that allows men to be violent to gay males as if we were less than human.

Trying to heal that abuse from my uncle and male peers in therapy did not make me straight. But it did help me understand how those incidents traumatized my masculinity, not my sexual orientation; these are two related but separate entities.

I highly recommend all men who feel they want to improve their lives to attend the New Warrior Adventure and see for themselves the hope, the help and the love that these men who--other than the leaders--volunteer their time and efforts to make these workshops happen--

Monday, November 26, 2007

Over one-third of former American football players had sexual relations with men, study says

A new scientific study performed by Dr. Anderson in the UK of former high-school American Football players has found that more than a third said they had had sexual relations with other men.

In his study of homosexuality among sportsmen in the US, sociologist Dr Eric Anderson found that 19 in a sample of 47 had taken part in acts intended to sexually arouse other men, ranging from kissing to mutual masturbation and oral sex.

The 47 men, aged 18-23, were all American Football players who previously played at the high school (secondary school) level but had failed to be picked for their university’s team and were now cheerleaders instead. They were at various universities from the American south, Mid-West, west and north west.

Dr Anderson, now of the University of Bath, UK, said the study showed that society’s increasing open-mindedness about homosexuality and decreasing stigma concerning sexual activity with other men had allowed sportsmen to speak more openly about these sexual activities. He found that this sex came in the form of two men and one woman, as well as just two men alone. He said that the sexual acts described differed from acts of ‘hazing’ or team-bonding that often include pretend-homosexual acts.

"These findings differ from previous research on North American men who have sex with men, in several ways. First, previous research describes heterosexual men in heterogeneous group sex as men symbolically engaging in sexual practices with other men. However, I find informants actually engage in sexual activity with other men. But this does not mean that they are gay.

“Second, my informants do not feel that their same-sex sex jeopardizes their socially perceived heterosexual identities, at least within the cheerleading culture. In other words, having gay sex does not automatically make them gay in masculine peer culture.”

Dr Anderson, of the University’s Department of Education, said the same situation was also true for the UK.

“Men have traditionally been reluctant to do anything associated with homosexuality because they feared being perceived gay,” he said. “There has been pressure on them to conform to the notion that being male is about having traditionally masculine traits, in terms of dress, behaviours and sexual activities. “But as more men are open about their varieties of sexuality, it becomes less stigmatized to be gay or to have sex with men. It is increasingly not a problem to act in otherwise non-traditional ways.

“I see this in other areas of my research too, including how men behave in straight nightclubs, where I find that university-aged men dance as much with each other than with women, and how heterosexual men are increasingly free to wear clothing styles or colours that once were taboo for them."
The University of Bath is one of the UK's leading universities, with an international reputation for quality research and teaching. In 15 subject areas the University of Bath is rated in the top ten in the country.




Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Website for Men on the Down Low: Catharsis.net

In the Detroit Free Press on October 18, 2007 an article appeared with the heading:



THERAPY ON THE WEB: Secret sex lives addressed online
Web site created for down low culture



The group's interactive Web site -- http://www.catharsisonline.net/ -- is designed to let people seeking help, or their loved ones, get therapy over the phone or online, via chat rooms and e-mail.

Welcome to Catharsis Online

Their mission is:

To help persons overcome that which holds them in psychological pain and retards
personal growth. Our specific purpose is to address the needs of those who
cannot reveal their true sexual identity – i.e., those living on the “Down
Low”.

Additionally and importantly, we believe that loved ones of those
living on the “Down Low”, or those who may suspect their loved ones have
sexuality identity issues and may be hiding them deserve the same access to our
services. Their suffering and confusion is deserving of acknowledgement,
clarification and resolution – a voice.

While we recognize that within any
normal and healthy life emotional ebbs and flows are experienced and hopefully
put in to proper perspective, it is certain change that are deeply conflicting
with cultural morals that is our main area of focus: sexual confusion, self
esteem and/or image issues, unresolved grief, guilt, depression, or anxiety
associated with questions of sexual identity.


This might be a good resource for those who want to remain confidential and explore this side of themselves with healthy anonymous discussions.

Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited

This article, Straight, Gay or Lying was in the New York Times in July, 2005. I disagree with the experts who say bisexuality does not exist. I think it does. And as you can see from this blog I believe that more straight men engage in sex with other men that are bisexual. However, for discussion I think it is important to have articles like these that explore the whole concept from straight to gay and everything in between.

Some people are attracted to women; some are attracted to men. And some, if
Sigmund Freud, Dr. Alfred Kinsey and millions of self-described bisexuals are to
be believed, are drawn to both sexes.

But a new study casts doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in
men.

The study, by a team of psychologists in Chicago and Toronto, lends
support to those who have long been skeptical that bisexuality is a distinct and
stable sexual orientation.

People who claim bisexuality, according to these critics, are usually
homosexual, but are ambivalent about their homosexuality or simply closeted.
"You're either gay, straight or lying," as some gay men have put it.

In the new study, a team of psychologists directly measured genital
arousal patterns in response to images of men and women. The psychologists found
that men who identified themselves as bisexual were in fact exclusively aroused
by either one sex or the other, usually by other men.


And perhaps this observation is the most poignant of all regarding straight men who have sex with men who are not gay or bisexual:
"There's a whole lot of movement and flexibility," Dr. Diamond added. "The fact
is, we have very little research in this area, and a lot to learn."


Saturday, November 10, 2007

Joe Kort on Air America--The Lionel Show

I was interviewed by the Lionel Show on Air America in October, 2007 about Larry Craig and the concept of straight men who have sex with other men.

My segment is 11 minutes.

What do you think of my comments? Let me know on the blog. Do you agree? Disagree? Something to add?

Please feel free I think it could be a lively discussion.

Warmly, Joe





Sunday, November 4, 2007

STAGES OF BISEXUAL IDENTITY


For most bisexuals, there are at least four steps or stages to fully acknowledging and becoming comfortable with their identities as bisexuals.

Confusion over sexual orientation.
Most bisexual people start out feeling very confused about their attraction towards people of both sexes, questioning their own reality, and wondering "Is something wrong with me?" Some spend their entire lives in this stage, hiding their sexual orientation, feeling isolated and alone with the inner turmoil over their dual attractions.

Many go through life identifying as straight or gay/lesbian in order to be accepted and make sense of their sexual orientation. Because their own experience does not conform to either community, they feel intense external pressure to choose one and identify with it. Without any language to frame their own reality, and no visible role models or community available to them, bisexual people must have sufficient self-confidence and belief in their own identity in order to eventually transcend this stage.

Discovery of the bisexual label and choosing to identify as bisexual.
Almost all bisexual people acknowledge that discovering the label "bisexual" was pivotal in understanding and accepting their sexual orientation. Most experience extreme relief when they hear the word "bisexual" for the first time, because they finally have a word that mirrors their experience and feelings.

For some, the negative stereotypes of bisexuals as "promiscuous" "fence sitters," neurotic, or vectors of AIDS prevent them from identifying with the label or claiming it for themselves, but most agree that it comes closer than any other language to describing their lives. Instead of rejecting the label, many bisexuals invent their own definition and create bisexual lifestyles that fit their individual lives.

Settling into and maintaining a bisexual identity.
For many bisexual people, this step is the most difficult. Intellectually, they feel good about being bisexual, but emotionally, they experience extreme conflict living in the real world as bisexual. Often scorned by family and friends and rejected by spouses or potential partners for being bisexual, they find that to develop and maintain a bisexual identity requires inner strength, self-reliance, confidence, and independence. Many overcome these obstacles by forming their own community, finding accepting friends and lovers, and staying out of the closet despite the consequences.

Transforming adversity.
For most bisexuals, coming out and staying out of the closet is an on-going process which must be repeated with every new social situation, workplace, friend, and lover. Many see this process as the most important form of political action, creating visible role models and a cohesive bisexual community. Because most bisexuals have suffered through the first three stages alone and in silence, they want to make it easier for other bisexuals to recognize and embrace their sexual orientation without years of inner turmoil and loneliness.

Many also get involved in bisexual political organizations as a way to increase bisexual visibility and promote bisexuality as a viable identity. Just as gay men and lesbians were only able to win some rights through fighting in both the social and political arenas, bisexuals will only win political and human rights through coming out of the closet and developing political clout.

What does this mean for you?

Does any of this sound familiar?

Are you struggling with ambivalence or confusion over your sexual orientation?

Or are you ready to embrace a bisexual orientation?

Are you seeking community to share your developing identity with others?

If so, reach out for support now. Check out one of the many bisexual and questioning support groups listed in this blog, to find a safe place to express your feelings and meet others who are going through similar experiences.

One-to-one counseling or therapy can also be helpful in sorting out feelings and gaining clarity and self – confidence. Be careful to seek out a non – judgmental therapist who is supportive of bisexuality and has expertise in bisexual issues.
And joining bisexual social or political groups is also a great way to see visible role models and to allow your bisexual identity to evolve in a way that fits you. And last, but certainly not least, there are now many excellent books on bisexuality, which help you understand and fully embrace your sexual orientation. - Dr Elna McIntosh, Health24 sexologist)

RESOURCE:

Bisexual.org


BOOK:

The Bisexual Option by Fritz Klein




13 Types of Bisexuals

In an article entitled, Getting to grips with the various types of bisexuality, it talks about the various types of bisexuals that exist.

Many people are 100% gay or lesbian and are drawn sexually and emotionally only to partners of the same sex. Others are completely heterosexual, bonding in sexual and intimate relationships only with people of another sex.

But what about everybody else?

A significant percentage of people do not fit neatly into either of these categories, because they experience sexual and emotional attractions and feelings for people of different genders at some point during their lives. For lack of a better term, they are called bisexuals, although, many people prefer to call themselves “pansexual”, “non – preferential”, “sexually fluid”, “ambisexual” or “omni – sexual”.

The Kinsey scale

The Kinsey scale of zero to six was developed by sex researchers to describe sexual orientation as a continuum. Heterosexual people are at zero on the scale, gay and lesbian people are at six, at the other end of the scale and everyone in between, from one to five, is bisexual. According to Kinsey, people who fall at one or two on the scale have primarily heterosexual sexual and affectional relationships and desires, but have some attraction and experiences with same-sex partners as well.

People at three on the scale are approximately equally attracted to both men and women. People at four and five on the Kinsey Scale choose primarily same-sex partners, but are not completely gay or lesbian and have some heterosexual tendencies and relationships as well.

Who is bisexual?As you can see, there is no simple definition of bisexuality, and bisexual people are a very diverse group. Some bisexual people are committed to monogamous, long-term relationships, others have more than one partner concurrently in a variety of arrangements. There are several theories about different models of bisexual behavior. J.R. Little identifies at least 13 types of bisexuality, as defined by sexual desires and experiences. They are:

1. Alternating bisexuals: May have a relationship with a man. When that
relationship ends, may choose a female partner for a subsequent relationship and
may go back to a male partner next.

2. Recreational bisexuals: Primarily heterosexual but engage in gay or lesbian sex only when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

3. Motivational bisexuals: Straight women who have sex with other women only because a male partner insists on it to titillate him.

4. Circumstantial bisexuals: Primarily heterosexual but will choose same-sex partners only in situations where they do not have access to other sex partners such as in jail, in the military or in a gender-segregated school.

5. Concurrent relationship ­bisexuals: Have
primary relationships with one gender only but have other casual or secondary
relationships with people of another gender at the same time.

6. Conditional bisexuals: Either straight or gay/lesbian, but will switch to a relationship with ­another gender for financial or ­career gain or for a specific
purpose. They include young, straight males who become gay prostitutes or
lesbians who get married to men to gain ­acceptance from family members or
to have children.

7. Emotional bisexuals: Have ­intimate emotional relationships with men and women but only have sexual relationships with one ­gender.

8. Integrated bisexuals: Have more than one primary relationship
at the same time, one with a man and one with a woman.

9. Exploratory bisexuals: Either straight or gay/lesbian, but have sex with another gender just to satisfy curiosity or “see what it’s like”.

10. Hedonistic bisexuals: Primarily heterosexual but engage in gay or lesbian sex only when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

11. Isolated bisexuals: 100% straight or gay/lesbian now but have previously had sexual experiences with another gender.

12. Latent bisexuals: Completely straight or gay/lesbian in behavior. Have a
strong desire for sex with the other gender but have never acted on it.
Motivational bisexuals: Straight women who have sex with other women only
because a male partner insists on it to titillate him.

13. Transitional bisexuals: Temporarily identify as bisexual while moving from being straight to ­being gay or lesbian or going from being gay or lesbian to being
hetero­sexual. Many of these people might not call themselves bisexual
but because they are attracted to and have relationships with men and women,
they are bisexual.

While literally millions of people are bisexual, most keep
their sexual orientation secret, so bisexual people as a group are nearly
invisible in society.

Gay men and lesbian women have long recognised the
need to join together, create a community and organise politically. Long years
of hard work have led to significant gains in political and human rights and a
visible and thriving gay and lesbian community.

Social isolation Many bisexual people say they feel like outsiders in the straight and gay/lesbian worlds and that they can’t fit in anywhere. They feel isolated and confused. Studies have shown that bisexual people suffer from social isolation more
than gay men or lesbians because they lack a community where they can find
acceptance and role models.

Many gay men feel that bisexual men are really gay, that they are in denial about being gay and they should “just get over it.” Many straight men are homophobic and hate and fear bisexual and gay men, often victimising them with harassment and physical violence.

Many straight women reject bisexual men out of misguided fears that they have Aids and admonish them to “stop sitting on the fence and make up their minds”. Bisexual women are often distrusted by lesbians for “sleeping with the enemy”, hanging onto heterosexual privileges through relationships with men and betraying their allegiances to women and feminism.

Straight women often reject ­bisexual women fearing that they will make sexual overtures and try to “convert” them to bisexuality.


Bisexuality an authentic sexual orientation

The straight and gay/lesbian communities seem to have only two possible models of bisexuality, neither of which represents bisexual people accurately.
The first is the “transitional model” of bisexuality. They believe that all bisexuals are gay or lesbian but are just on their way to eventually coming out as gay.

The other is the “pathological model”. These bisexuals are seen as neurotic or mentally unstable because they are in conflict, trying to decide if they are straight or
gay/lesbian and that they just can’t make a decision.

Both models see bisexuality as a temporary experience or a “phase” born out of confusion rather than an authentic sexual orientation equally as valid as heterosexuality or homosexuality.

Bisexuals cannot conform to the ethics of the gay or straight
world or they would not be bisexual. ­Instead, they must re-invent personal
lifestyles and relationships that serve their needs although they don’t fit
anyone else’s rules.

Bisexuals must invent their own identity Some researchers have noted that being bisexual is, in some ways, similar to being biracial. Mixed-race persons generally don’t feel comfortable or accepted by people of either ethnic group. They feel they don’t belong or fit in anywhere as their existence challenges the very concept of race.
Like bisexual people, they spend most of their lives moving between two communities that don’t really understand or accept them.

Like biracial people, bisexual people must
struggle to invent their own identities to correspond to their own experience.
Forming a bisexual identity helps bisexual people to structure, make sense
of and give meaning and definition to their reality.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Dude, I'm Not Gay!




In my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love I talk about how men distance themselves from homosexuality.

From chapter 2:

Being raised male in the heterosexist culture means avoiding and distancing
yourself from being viewed as gay in any way. Gay is synonymous with
effeminate.
This is inherent sexism, as if being associated with anything
female would
denigrate you. In our culture, being male is a privileged
status, and anything
else is viewed as inferior. A number of times I’ve had
a straight man notice my
wedding ring and ask if I’m married. I’ll say,
“Yes,” because I am. When he asks
my wife’s name, I pleasantly correct him
and tell him that I’m married to a man
whose name is Mike.
Often, the
guy steps back and immediately exclaims,
“Dude, I’m not gay!” He may then
proceed to ask, “Why did you choose to tell me
you’re gay?” as if I had a
sexual motive, or tell me he was “grossed out” by the
idea. Now, I never
implied that he was gay by telling him I was, nor did I have
any ulterior
motive. I was simply correcting him, just as when people wish me a
Merry
Christmas. I nicely tell them I am Jewish; whereupon they usually respond
politely by saying, “Oh, sorry! Happy Hanukah!” I’ve never seen anyone back
away, exclaiming, “Dude, I’m not Jewish. Now all I can do is imagine you in
a
yarmulke in synagogue and I’m grossed out. You’re trying to convert me?”

In her book, Dude, I'm Not Gay, author C.J. Pascoe writes about how the word, fag, is used to degrade teenage boys in her study on teenagers. She writes:


During my year and a half of research at River High, I found that these
comments, when coming from and directed at boys, often have as much to do with
shoring up definitions of masculinity as they do with reinforcing notions of
“normal” heterosexuality.
In her article in the American Sexuality Magazine she writes:


To sissies and straight boys who don’t play football, ‘Dude, you’re a fag’
How homophobia operates in high school

“I’m talking like sixth grade, I started being called a fag. Fifth
grade I was called a fag. Third grade I was called a fag,” seventeen-year-old
*Ricky recounted as we sat at a plastic picnic table outside of a fast food
restaurant in California’s Sacramento delta region. Though he experienced this
type of harassment throughout elementary and junior high school, Ricky said that
the threats intensified as he entered *River High School.
At “all the schools
the verbal part . . . the slang, ‘the fag,’ the ‘fuckin’ freak,’ ‘fucking fag,’
all that stuff is all the same. But this is the only school that throws water
bottles, throws rocks, and throws food.” Harassment like this hounded him out of
his school’s homecoming football game. “Two guys started walking up to get
tickets said, ‘There’s that fucking fag.’” During the game boys threw balloons
and bottles at Ricky along with comments like, “What the fuck is that fag doing
here? That fag has no right to be here.”
While this singular event stands out
as particularly hate filled, Ricky’s story also illustrates the larger problems
of homophobia and gender-based teasing in high school. Homophobic taunting is
especially intense during adolescence, a time when sexuality and romance are at
the fore of social life. For boys, and not just those who are branded as gay,
walking through a hallway is like running a gauntlet of homophobic insults as
their male classmates imitate effeminate men and hurl homophobic slurs. My book examines this
ubiquitous homophobia. During my year and a half of research at River High, I
found that these comments, when coming from and directed at boys, often have as
much to do with shoring up definitions of masculinity as they do with
reinforcing notions of “normal” heterosexuality.

This is particularly true of
the slur “fag.” While the term “gay” is frequently used as a synonym for stupid,
it lacks the gender loaded skew of the term “fag.” Oftentimes when boys call
someone a “fag” they simultaneously imitate effeminate men (in other words,
behavior they consider to be “fag-like”). Their homophobic comments, jokes, and
interactions, in a sense, serve to punish others into behaving in
stereotypically masculine ways. Though homophobia is usually thought of as fear
of same sex attraction, in high school, boys’ homophobia is also about policing
gendered norms.

At River High I saw and heard boys imitate effeminate
behavior and hurl the word “fag” so frequently at one another that I came to
call it a “fag discourse.” Invoking this epithet and joking about “fags” were
not just random incidents, but systemic and well accepted ways for teenage boys
to communicate. Boys talked about others they considered to be “fags,” made
jokes about unmasculine mannerisms, imitated those mannerisms, and used the term
to insult one another both jokingly and seriously. They lisped, pretended to
lust after men, and drew laughs from primarily male onlookers. They frantically
lobbed the epithet at one another, in a sort of compulsive name calling ritual.
Because the “fag” slur is and isn’t about sexual desire, both self-identified
gay boys and heterosexual boys were subject to the label for failing at
stereotypically masculine tasks or revealing, in any way, weakness or
femininity.



To buy the book

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Sexual Addiction and straight men who have sex with men

Here is an excellent write up about straight men who have sex with men as it relates to sexual addiction. The article is in the New York Daily News Health Section by Dr. David Moore and Bill Manville. They refer to why men like Sen. Larry Craig might sexually act out with other men in public bathrooms.

Their column, What causes sex addiction - and what you can do, quotes Dr. Don Strassberg, a professor at the University of Utah, saying:

Sexual activity centers on the release of the brain chemical, Dopamine - which
is as powerful as cocaine or meth. Think of Dopamine as colors on an artist's
palette, and your brain's deepest emotional center as the canvas on which you
paint your sexual memories. This primitive, emotional region of the brain - the
limbic system - is so basic that we share it with most mammals.
Sexual
arousal is a basic instinctual motivation. Whether through fantasy
that
brings us pleasure or the sexual acts themselves, Dopamine prints deep rewards
in our psyche.
Then Dr. Dave and Bill talk about sexual addiction in a way that is very important talking about the physiology of why people engage in high risk sexual activity.

Dr. Dave: Sexual activity centers on the release of the brain chemical,
Dopamine - which is as powerful as cocaine or meth. Think of Dopamine as colors
on an artist's palette, and your brain's deepest emotional center as the canvas
on which you paint your sexual memories. This primitive, emotional region of the
brain - the limbic system - is so basic that we share it with most
mammals.

Bill: Which explains why you often see dogs so horny they mount
someone's leg or even someone's shoe?

Dr. Dave: Exactly. Sexual arousal is a
basic instinctual motivation. Whether through fantasy that brings us pleasure or
the sexual acts themselves, Dopamine prints deep rewards in our psyche.

Bill: And so when people or things - like the adoring hug of an intern, or seeing
pants around a male ankle in the next bathroom stall - re-arouse the memory.

Dr. Dave: That creates the hunger to act out the behavior that will release Dopamine and even more Dopamine.

Bill: Where does love come in - or at least,
affection?

Dr. Dave: The non-primitive part of our brain connects the drive
for sex with human needs for sharing, for emotional affection and support, and a
sense of family. When someone is hungry for that, but feeling deprived of it for
the moment.

Bill: But memory gets their Dopamine flowing on
hard-drive.

Dr. Dave: Compulsion enters, and they don't care about the
consequences of their actions.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Sex in America

If you're uncomfortable about blacks, you're a racist; uncomfortable about Jews, you are an anti-semite; but today, if you're uncomfortable about sex, you're a civic leader. --- Dr. Marty Klein

I love this quote from another blogger, psychotherapist specializing in sexuality and author, Marty Klein, who writes Sexual Intelligence

Monday, October 15, 2007

Sen. Larry Craig to be on Matt Laur Primetime October 16, 2007

NBC confirms Matt Lauer will interview embattled Sen. Larry Craig Tuesday October 16, 2007. The interview will air in a Matt Lauer Reports primetime special. Excerpts will also run on the Today show Wednesday morning. Lauer will also interview the Senator's wife, Suzanne Craig, who will be speaking publicly for the first time about the incident and the events that followed.

While I don't believe he is innocent of his foot tapping and intent to have sex with another man, I also don't believe he is gay.

I have had hundreds of heterosexual male clients have sex with men and the only thing homosexual about it was the sexual act. Nothing more.

Research is starting to support that sexual acts can be distinct from romantic love. In other words, one can have sexual acts with another human being and it can be void of any romantic and affectional feelings.

Men have intuited this all along. Myself included, we men know that there can be sex for release, sex for love and sex for both. So then why is it such a stretch to believe that men having public sex in restrooms with other men are only doing it for sexual release and nothing more.

Researcher Lisa Diamond tackles the issue of sexual desire and romantic love. Diamond, a researcher and Associate Professor Psychology and Gender Studies Department of Psychology at the Univerisity of Utah wrote an article called, Emerging Perspectives on Distinctions Between Romantic Love and Sexual Desire in Current Directions in Psychological in 2004 stating:

Sexual desire typically denotes a need or drive to seek out sexual
objects or
to engage in sexual activities, whereas romantic love typically
denotes
the
powerful feelings of emotional infatuation and attachment
between
intimate
partners.
Okay so we kind of know this. But in her research she says:

Furthermore, extensive cross-cultural and historical research shows
that
individuals often develop feelings of romantic love for partners
of the
‘‘wrong’’ gender (i.e., heterosexuals fall in love with same gender
partners
and lesbian and gay individuals fall in love with
other-gender partners, as
reviewed in Diamond, 2003). Although
some modern observers have argued that
such relationships must
involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the
straightforward
written reports of the participants themselves are not
consistent with
such a blanket characterization. Rather, it seems that
individuals are
capable of developing intense, enduring, preoccupying
affections for
one another regardless of either partner’s sexual
attractiveness or
arousal.
What I find of most interest in that excerpt from her study is this:

Although some modern observers have argued that such relationships must involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the straightforward written reports of the participants themselves are not consistent with such a blanket characterization.

So this explains why it is possible for gays and lesbians to heterosexually marry and truly fall in love with their spouses. They are not manufacturing it they truly are romantically and affectionally attached to their spouses.

Diamond goes onto say in her article:
Why do the majority of human adults fall in love only with partners to whom
they
are sexually attracted? One reason is obviously cultural: Most
human
societies have strong and well-established norms regarding what
types
of feelings and behaviors are appropriate for different types of
adult
relationships, and they actively channel adults into the ‘‘right’’
types
of relationships through a variety of social practices.

I understand that Diamond's study is about romantic love more than sexual desire. But is it too far of a stretch that one can have sex with someone of the same gender and that is all it means--that they had sex with someone of the same gender?

Physical release. Physical touch with another man. The men who come to my office having engaged in these sexual practices with other men tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship with another man, wake up next to another man, or fantasize about anything about another man. When they do the sexual behavior it is impulsive, erotic and a release.

Are there closeted men in those restrooms? Yes. Are they gay men there? Yes. Are there sexually addicted gay and straight men in there. Yes. So why can't we consider that straight men are in there with their own set of issues themselves without it having anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

Isn't that what we are doing to men like Craig? Trying to push him and men like him into cultural boxes so we can all rest easy and match him with what he does sexually to identify him.

We don't know him. But, shouldn't he be the judge?

Diamond, L. M. (2004). Emerging perspectives on distinctions between romantic love and sexual desire. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 13, 116-119.


Friday, October 12, 2007

Mother-son Incest


I discovered today that at MaleSurvor.org there were postings about the lack of resources on mother-son incest. There is such a taboo that mothers can--and do--sexually abuse their sons. But they can--and they do! However there are few to no books about the subject.

I want to start talking on this blog about mother-son incest because it does exist and contributes to straight and gay sexual acting out.

Some of the sexual abuse by mothers causes men to seek out sex with other men feeling that men are safer than women. Again, this is not about homosexuality it is about sexually acting out trauma. And there are a number of reasons for this that I will discuss here on Straight Guise.

One of the reasons mothers sexually abuse their sons is misandry.

The following is an excerpt from my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love in chapter five on gay men and their relationships with their mothers. I have edited it to speak to any male who has issues with his mother.



In this society, it is taboo to speak ill of our mothers, so we either keep
silent or get judged negatively for doing so. By going against his mother, a
man
gets punished and called a misogynist. Perhaps, owing to the horrors of
sexism,
the culture has become too focused in one direction, looking only at
what men
have done to women. It may be time, however, to examine what women
do to
men—especially mothers raising the boys who ultimately grow up to hate
women.
Somewhere our mothers play a part in engendering this negativity.
When
someone disparages his mother, why is our wondering whether she is
at fault met
with disapproval? We allow sons and daughters alike to
criticize their fathers,
and our discomfort over their negative talk is
considerably less than the public
outcry when the topic switches to Mommy
Dearest.
Society reveres anything
associated with “mother”—Mother Earth,
Mother Nature, and the celibate,
childless Mother Teresa. Especially in the
mental health field, when we examine
a child’s early infancy, we focus on
the mother, talking about the time and
attention she devotes to nurturing
her baby. During the child’s first year of
life, the father is rarely the
primary caregiver. I am sure this will change as
more fathers, particularly
gay men, join in the care and rearing of their
children. But until then,
talk about child-rearing usually focuses on the
mother.
Herein lies the
source of the social mantra “Love your mother.” No
one wants to believe that
a mother could not love her children. No one wants to
hear about how a
mother can lack maternal instinct. Those who speak out about
their mothers
abusing them or being indifferent maternally to any extent will
often not be
believed and find themselves accused of betraying their
mothers.
Mother
attachment runs so deep that in Necessary Losses, Judith
Viorst writes, “A
young boy lies in a hospital bed. He is frightened and in
pain. Burns cover
40 percent of his small body. Someone has doused him with
alcohol and then,
unimaginably, has set him on fire. He cries for his mother.
His mother has
set him on fire.”
Viorst goes on to describe the difficulty of separating
from one’s mother: “. . . it doesn’t matter what kind of mother a child has
lost
or how perilous it may be to dwell in her presence. It doesn’t mater
whether she
hurts or hugs. Separation from mother is worse than being in her
arms when the
bombs are exploding. Separation from mother is sometimes worse
than being with
her when she is the bomb.”
You can love your mother, not
want to hurt her,
and at the same time tell her how you feel about her even
when it is not all
good. Often, it’s the father who leaves the children and
the mother who
sacrifices her life for them, so it makes sense that she’s
protected and often
given a pass when she behaves badly. Our society even
protects mothers who have
mistreated or killed their own children; usually,
a group joins to create a fund
to help these mothers. Rarely is the same
done for fathers who mistreat their
children. But this makes sense, since
mothers are often there for her children
and the bond between them is very
tight.

More about mothers who sexually abuse their sons and how this manifests later.

There exists one book on this topic of mother-son incest called The Broken Taboo by Hani G. Miletski (Author)

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Fear, Risk & Danger

This week on the cover of the New Yorker. This ritual which has been going on for more than 40 years suddenly makes news just because of Larry Craig? My hope would be that those who write and talk about this in the media will stick to the facts about why and what really goes on those bathrooms rather than sensationalizing it and making a mockery out of it.

As Joseph Campbell once said;

Boys everywhere have a need for rituals, marking their passage to manhood. If society does not provide them, they will inevitably invent their own.

If we don't start acknowledging and making room for straight men having sex with other men this behavior will only continue in underground, dark and secretive places shaming the men who do it causing them to do it even more.

FEAR, RISK and DANGER

These are the crucial elements that cause these men to act out sexually with other men in public places. They are also what cause new lovers and couples who fight and make up to have hot, bonding and exciting sex. The fear, risk and danger of losing someone and being abandoned during the vulnerable time of attaching to new love or in conflict with your partner who you do not want to lose activates natural drugs within your body chemistry.

Natural chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins and adrenaline give sex its "high." Sexual behavior causes chemical changes in the brain, which promote a mood-altering and mind-altering experience.

Then there's a natural drug in our bodies called phenylethylamine or PEA for short. This drug is released when we fall in love each time. Like any drug, it's first release is its most potent which is why most people will say they "never got over their first love". They remember the chemical high that bonds attaches you to a partner.

PEA is an essential chemical for those who are addicted to inherently risky behaviors like gambling, shoplifting, bungee jumping, and sex. PEA's molecular structure parallels amphetamine, and is strongest when first released. This also explains why so many people with addictions say they're always seeking the feeling they had during their first high, and want to re-experience it over and over.

Great books to read about these chemicals to explain why men like Larry Craig would engage in public sex are

and

Friday, September 28, 2007

Misandry: The hatred of men as a sex

I’m sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry but tonight I’m cleaning out my closet.
—lyrics to Eminem’s “Cleaning Out My Closet (I’m Sorry, Mama)”

Eminem went where no son has publicly gone before—or is allowed to go—in attacking his mother. In this society, it is taboo to speak ill of our mothers, so we either keep silent or get judged negatively for doing it. It is as though we are not allowed to talk about the bad only the good. By going against his mother, a man gets punished and called a misogynist who hates women.

Countless articles and interviews analyzed Eminem’s lyrics to “Cleaning out my Closet,” focusing on how his anger at his mother has become generalized to hate for all women. But what about his mother in real life? What kind of woman was she toward her children and her son?

A misandrist (which my word processor cannot even find in its Spell Checker) is the respectable feminist equivalent for the word misogynist, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. Even in Webster’s little to nothing can be found on misandry, the hatred of men! Misogyny was a known word in Latin and Greek and according to the OED, was first used in English in 1656. Misandry was first used in 1946, three hundred years later. And to top it all, the word is a compound, combining the Greek words miso meaning “to hate” with andros, for man. Some books—Misogyny, Misandry, and Misanthropy, for one—use it in their titles, as do some articles. But little is out there that explains the concept fully.

Both misogyny and misandry are gender-neutral: Misogynists and misandrists can be either men or women. In general, however, usually women hate men and men hate women. Perhaps because of the horrors of sexism, our culture had to go very far in one direction and only look at what men have done to women. However, I think it’s time to examine what women do to men— especially mothers raising the boys who ultimately grow up to hate women. Somewhere they play a part in engendering this negativity.

In addition to criticizing Eminem for expressing his anger at his mother and trying to pathologize it, why not analyze his mother’s possible misandry? When someone disparages his mother, why don’t we wonder if she is somehow at fault as well? We allow sons and daughters alike to criticize their fathers, and our discomfort over their negative talk is much less than the public outcry when the topic switches to “Mommy Dearest.”

Society reveres anything associated with “mother,” as in Mother Earth, Mother Nature, and the celibate, childless Mother Theresa. Especially in the mental health field, when we examine a child’s early infancy, we focus on the mother, talking about the time and attention she devotes to nurturing her baby. During the child’s first year of life, the father is rarely the primary caregiver. I am sure this will change as more fathers, particularly gay men, join the care and rearing of their children. But until then, talk about child rearing usually focuses on the mother, primarily because the default is the mother, just as people often assume that everyone is heterosexual.

So therein lies society’s social mantra of “Love your mother,” because no one wants to believe that a mother could not love her children. No one wants to hear about how a mother can lack maternal instinct. Those who speak out about their mothers abusing them or being indifferent maternally to any extent will often not be believed and find themselves accused of betraying their mothers.

What happens to males raised by these women? And how can it affect their sex lives?

The Case of Shawn

Shawn was a 37-year-old male married with two children. He loved his wife deeply having been high school sweethearts. She was the first female he met who treated him kindly and affectionately. He came to therapy with me due to troubling compulsive sexual fantasies which had now become sexual behaviors involving finding couples through the internet with whom he could be sexual with the wives with the husbands watching being humiliated by being dressed as a woman and called names by both himself and the wife. At the end of the sex act his ultimate sexual desire would be to orgasm onto the man's face (a term known as Bukkake)--the ultimate humiliation to the man with both of he and the wife laughing at him.

Shawn was troubled by so much about this fantasy turned into reality. First, was he gay or bisexual if he wanted men to be involved and wanted to be watched by the man? What kind of a guy was he to cheat on his wife? He did not want her to discover this as he knew she would leave him immediately and he did not want that. He wanted to stop his sexual acting out.

I work with clients around the details of their sexual fantasies--as much as they are willing and comfortable in telling. Each detail is a lead to their pasts leading up to the formation of their sexual desires. In the details are embedded the answers as to where the therapeutic work is to be done.

I asked Shawn what he meant by his wife being the "first female to be kind to him". Shawn told me his mother was always putting down his father, making him sleep on the couch many nights and talking about him in critical ways. His sister was treated like a queen and was complimented, supported and given special treatment by their mother while Shawn was neglected and ignored by both his mother and his father. His father was gone quite a bit and Shawn believed this was his way of avoiding his mother who was so mean to him.

Shawn's mother talked poorly about males who were not "macho" and athletic. His father was a computer tech and Shawn described him as a "soft" male. Shawn himself could have been more athletic had he been encouraged but his parents did not do so. His mother laughed at males she thought to be "fags" and accused his father multiple times of being homosexual.
It all made sense to me now as to why Shawn would have this fantasy and eventually act on it. The healing was connected to his childhood. In his sexual acts, he "wins" over the mother (the wife of the couple) aligning with the powerful and male-hating mother figure. The alignment is in humiliating the husband forcing him to dress like a female as females were the "superior" gender in his family and being male was inferior. In the fantasy, Shawn gets to the be the "man" his mother wanted, he wins her over and is in the power position over the husband rather than being in the same category as the father, which Shawn always felt he was growing up.

This clicked with Shawn immediately. He immediately connected the dots and his therapy work was not about confronting his feelings of anger and resentment toward his mother who he realized now was a misandrist. He remembered more details of how her hate for men manifested and recognized it was most likely because of her alcoholic patriarchal father.

But what about what he was doing to his wife? He did not want to hurt her by all this cheating. Together we discovered that to gain a sense of masculinity and triumph over his pain he had to do it in secret and hiding. This was not about his wife. He would most likely have acted on this with any women he was involved with.

Over the next year his compulsive behavior to act on his fantasy fell away. The fantasy and images he would find on the internet of this type of humiliation remained but he no longer felt any compulsion to act on them.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Oscar De La Hoya Photo Scandal



Why are we so fascinated by the sex lives of others? Especially
when they deviate from the norm of what we see in the media?

Straight Guise has taken on one part of the fascination in terms of straight men who have sex with men and there are so many more--men and women-with complicated sexual fantasies and desires?

Maybe because we are fascinated at all the twists and turns sexuality can take. Voyeurs at heart, people want to know what is happening behind closed bedroom doors.

But I think it is more than that. It is that all of us have sexual
interests and desires and we think ours might be odd or abnormal. We don't
really know it isn't talked about. Even if you don't have fetishes or kinky
desires, no one really knows what is okay and what is not okay. What are others
doing? Does it work? Do they like it? Can they face themselves--or worse their
partners--the next day.

Now we have a new sex scandal--Oscar De La Hoya. I never heard of him until all of this. A
handsome man who might have a kinky sexual fetish. So what? I feel so much for
him that I won't link or post to any of the sites that show him posing as
"Goldie" for the camera. That is so disrespectful and mean. So what if this is
his fetish? Why does this make news? And since it is making news then lets at
least talk about it respectfully!

By Tim MorganSep 26, 2007


Oscar De La Hoya
still maintains that the ever increasing
batch of
photos
that show a man
identified as the boxer in a variety of
poses
and
cross-dressing like
outfits are not him. But the scandal seems to
grow each
day and more
pictures are released with women included and
the
whole sordid
mess is
growing. On Thursday a tape of a phone call
was played on the nightly entertainment
show Entertainment Tonight. The call
mentioned an amount of $70,000 for the
photos. And the Los Angeles paparazzi
agency that continues to post new
photos everyday has
now released this.






How can humiliation produced on being forced to put on women's clothes by hostile women cause sexual excitement? The late psychologist and author Robert Stoller wrote so much on the topic of males enjoying being treated like females--called Transvestism. Transvestism is usually a heterosexual male who enjoys wearing women's clothing and pretending to be a woman. Stoller talked about a client he worked with who enjoyed being forced to wear women's clothing. Stoller identified some reasons and I have added some of my own here: In the meantime, my heart goes out to Oscar De La Hoya and hope he stays strong during this time of attempted humiliaton of him.

  1. He knows it is only a fantasy.
  2. The excitement is accompanied by a guilt-removing devise inherent on the story: since the pathetic man is being forced to dress by the cruel woman, he cannot be accused of wanting to do this himself.
  3. He gets to be something he cannot be in non-erotic life--softer and more gentle like a woman.
  4. The excitement if often related to the fact and awareness that he is really a male being dressed as female. There is no excitement if they actually turn him into a woman. The arousal is the humiliation of being male treated and turned into a female while still being a male.


My belief as to why men have these type of transvestite fantasies is due to misandry--the hatred of men. I will talk more about this in future blogs.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Gay, straight, bi, MSM all valid terms, researchers say

Today in the Washington Blade :

Craig scandal brings issue of sexual identity to light
Gay, straight, bi, MSM all valid terms, researchers say

ELIZABETH PERRY Friday, September 21, 2007

Sen. Larry Craig’s (R-Idaho) arrest last June for allegedly soliciting sex from another man in an airport restroom and his insistence that he is straight has reawakened the debate over sexual behavior, identity and orientation.“I am not gay. I have never been gay,” Craig said at an oft-quoted Aug. 28 news conference. “I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis Airport.”


Kort, a gay therapist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, said it is possible that Craig might well be homosexual in terms of orientation, but not identity. He said being “gay” is an identity, while being “homosexual” is an orientation.

“I treat many men who are homosexual and do not wish to be gay,” Kort said. “They cannot and do not change their orientation, however. For these men, and Larry Craig may be one of them, being gay is the furthest from how they see themselves. He may be a straight man who enjoys occasional sex with men or he might be a homosexual or bisexual man, but would never identify this way because it is an affirmative identity that does not fit for him.”

That view is controversial among many gays who reject the notion that “gay” is an identity. Some scientists and researchers in fields ranging from psychology, AIDS research, blood donation and more, use the term “men who have sex with men,” or MSM, for their purposes. It’s useful to them because it removes the stigma associated with terms like gay or bi and while questions of the latter terms raise a bounty of identity issues, MSM is more concrete and quantifiable.

20/20 to Feature Love Won Out Conference

Tonight on the television show 20/20 they are doing a story on an organization called, “Love Won Out” which is an anti-gay activist group which proposes that gays can convert to straight.


Focus on the Family's Love Won Out
conference will be featured during a segment of ABC's
20/20
scheduled to air Friday. The show, called "The Toughest Call," is
to air from 9 to 11 p.m. EST. "It's about people who have to make tough
choices in their lives," said Allison Lynn, a 20/20 producer.

Focus on the Family's Love Won Out ministry exhorts and equips the church
to respond in a Christ-like way to the issue of homosexuality. And to those who
struggle with unwanted same-sex attractions, the event offers the Gospel hope
that the desires can be overcome. "Many of the speakers at our conferences
had to make a very difficult choice," said Mónica Martí, Love Won Out media
manager. "They had to choose to live their lives by God's standard for
sexuality, instead of bowing down to their own feelings or what popular culture
said was unavoidable. The courage and transparency they exhibit during their
sessions resonates with men and women struggling with the same decision
today." ABC News Correspondent JuJu Chang visited the conference in Omaha,
Neb., held in April.


As you know if you are a regular blog reader of Straight Guise, I am vehement that if anyone is helped by these organizations and actually "converted" from gay to straight they were not gay to begin with! They were one of the straight guise I identified in the beginning of this blog.

THE CASE OF TED:

Last night I met with a client (Ted), of whom I have had hundreds like him, who was acting out homosexually from sexual abuse as a child and is in full recovery–not of homosexuality but of trauma and abuse.

Ted found guys through the Internet that he could get to worship his muscular athletic body and fellate him. They would even kiss.

While Focus on the Family and Love Won Out would say, “This guy is gay or at least bisexual”–he is neither.We uncovered he was reenacting his childhood trauma and abuse.

As an adolescent an older man told Ted he had a great build for his age–which he did. The abuse went on for several years.

This client is looking for intimacy with men–which our society leaves little to no room for among men.

And Ted is not gay. He is aroused by women, desires women, has sex with women and compulsively sexually acts out with men. He does not desire men, he sexually acts out with them for physical release and other psychological issues--none of which have to do with a homosexual identity.

Focus on the Family and Narth would take these straight men, label them as “homosexuals” struggling with “same sex attraction” and when they heal identity them as ex-gay.
It is not gay. I wish they would leave “gay” and “homosexual” out of their entire discussion.

They believe all homosexuality is about pathological origins and slant good information about heterosexual men and women who have issues with homosexual behavior and label them gay and lesbian.

The other part--perhaps more offensive and hateful--is that there are gay men and women who are riddled with self-hate who look to these organizations as hope that they can change and rid themselves of being homosexual. This is called, "sexual anorexia".

Sexual orientation cannot change–ever!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Why Women Marry Men Who Have Sex With Men

Many women ask themselves after discovering their male partners have sex with other men, “How could she not have known?”

Some women, consciously or unconsciously, gravitate toward gays or MSMs. This happens for a variety of reasons—most of which are unconscious and subtle. While there are many women who marry gays or MSMs knowingly, the majority have no conscious awareness of this.

Many women who marry gays or MSMs are enablers and codependent. That is, these women allow their spouses to continue their behavior and feel unworthy and powerless to confront it after they realize it is happening.

A straight woman may be unconsciously drawn to men who might betray her. Perhaps while growing up, she experienced lies and witnessed emotional boundary violations that remained unresolved and left her traumatized. This could turn her into a co-addict who unconsciously seeks a “familiar” man who violates her trust all over again.

On the other hand, she may believe that she is attractive enough to “convert” a gay man.

Still other women marry gay men or MSMs out of unconscious codependency and an interest in controlling or micromanaging a “flawed” partner. Finally, some women are drawn to men who aren’t anything like their macho, patriarchal, abusive fathers in the hope that their partners will not sexually or otherwise overpower them.

A very common reason women marry men with sexual interest in other men is the desire for sexual and emotional distance within the relationship. Often these women have sexual issues themselves that have not been addressed and are attracted to men in similar situations.

Women are so engrained not to explore their own sexuality and to fend off the predatory nature of most heterosexual men that there is a tendency to lack awareness of their male partners’ sexuality as well.

No matter what the case, the majority of these women truly love their husbands, and their husbands love them back, while still being drawn to same-sex encounters. Despite the initial reasons for their attraction, it is important to stress that most of these marriages are built on actual love.

This blog will focus on how these men and women can understand themselves better and why to stay married—or decide to split up.

I will help these women understand their spouse’s sexuality and what they are trying to work through. Hopefully they will come away with more compassion and love for their male partners.
Likewise, these men are working through their own trauma and issues. But while women tend to withdraw and shut down sexually from their trauma, men tend to act out.

When women recover sexual abuse memories they need time and space and a lot of patience from their male partners. Straight Guise need the same from their female partners.

This blog will address how to help the women involved with these men tolerate their MSM’s recovery process, or if the man is truly gay and wants to divorce, how to tolerate that as well.
“Why would a guy who has sexual thoughts and behaviors with other men marry a woman?”

As for MSMs, it’s because they see their interest in men as purely sexual and do not have any interest in being romantic or affectionate with a man nor building a life for themselves in such a way. That is simply not their identity.