Can you call yourself bisexual if you have never had sex with a member of your own gender?

What's the connection between sexual orientation and sexual activity? Can you call yourself X if you haven't Y'd?

What are the defining features of sexual orientation? That is, in this case, what makes a bi-sexual a bi-sexual?

Who gets to call themselves what? Or in your words, when is it proper to call yourself something?

Can You Call Yourself X if You've Never Y'd?

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Mitch Albom opposes guys kissing--I guess?

In Mitch Albom's Dec 6 column he writes about celebrities doing outrageous things for fame. He lumps Adam Lamberts "guy-kissing" as one of them.

This is one of the very things that causes heterosexual men to not come out and disclose their sexual behaviors with other men. It also causes gay and bisexual children, teenagers and adults to feel shame for wanting to be a "guy-kissing" man.

John Corvino writes"what is wrong with that" at 365gay.com

The article ends with "...somewhere, some seventh-grade boy with a
pre-articulate crush on a male classmate is reading Albom’s column and thinking
that there’s something shameful about “guy-kissing.”Shame on you, Mitch. You
should know as well as anyone that words matter.

I agree with Corvino! What do you think?

Sexual Disorientation: Am I Gay, Bisexual, Straight or Somewhere in Between?

So many men who read Straight Guise tell me that my discussions of straight men who have sex with men ( SMSMs) confuses them because before coming out, gay and bisexual men are often in denial and convince themselves that they are 100% straight.

I even receive e-mails, some of them hostile, from gay men who accuse me of keeping gay and bisexual men closeted by citing the ways in which men might still be straight and have sex with men.

They often write, in effect, “If I had read Straight Guise during the years I was in denial and lying to myself, I’d have felt comfort in thinking I was straight and gone on leading an inauthentic heterosexual life.”

For them, staying closeted was fraught with lying to themselves that they were essentially straight, with simply a “kinky” side or that their sexual interests were just that—sexual—and not about their identity. They now have great remorse over the lost years when they could have lived as openly gay men. The trauma of staying closeted was so painful that it strikes a nerve to learn that it’s possible to go through all that and still be straight.

I understand their strong reactions: The trauma of suppressing their identity is so profound that reading Straight Guise can prompt symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, reminding them of their horrible experiences of being closeted and of all the deprogramming it took them to understand they were truly gay.

To me, that all makes perfect sense: I, too, had to go through the very same coming out and deprogramming process as a gay man during my coming out years!

No doubt, the experiences I address in Straight Guise parallel the experiences that every gay man—and some bisexual men--can relate to. Secrecy, shame, hiding, lying, self-hate and self-blame are the very things straight men who have sex with men present in the therapy room.

Differences Between Gay, Bisexual and Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men

There are major differences between SMSMs and gay and bisexual men. Straight men who admit and come out as having sex with other men are usually not anti-gay or homophobic. They do not tell their therapists or people they trust, “I hate fags!” In fact, they usually have gay friends, support and affirm lesbians and gays they know and the gay civil rights movement in general.. They’ve often have read books on coming-out process to see if they are going through that process themselves and to understand what it is to live as a gay man.

Whatever shame and self-hatred these SMSMs are coping with does not arise from homophobia, but from their acting on impulses that are incongruent with their heterosexual orientation.

In other words, they are experiencing something like an addiction, a mood disorder, a chemical disorder or some other compulsion that causes them to go against their own will, repeatedly, and is interfering with their life. They cannot accept it, not out of denial regarding their true identity, but because it is not their true nature the way it would be if one were truly gay or bisexual.

True, some SMSMs are anti-gay and homophobic, straining their masculine muscles to ward off any trait that may appear gay or effeminate. This, too, parallels the dynamic gay men display who resist their homosexual identity and so “protest too much” to attempt to disown that there is anything gay about them. But these are not the SMSM’s who seek treatment and who I write about on the Straight Guise website and blog.

Another difference is that gay and bisexual men recall having sexual interests and crushes on other males during their childhoods, teen years and even in college. Heterosexual men who have sex with men do not have these type of memories. They might have memories of having sexual experiences with other males—some of which are a result of sexual abuse—but it is not erotic for them as is their recall of interest in females once they hit puberty. For them they have always been sexually and romantically interested and aroused by women. Their sexual behavior with other men is episodic, situational, spontaneous and momentary. For gay and bisexual men, the sexual desire is enduring and is connected to a romantic, affectional and psychological desire to connect with another man.

How do I know if I’m one of the SMSMs,
or if I’m truly gay or bisexual and in the closet?

I can’t know for sure what is true or right for you. Only you will discover that as you read and experience things related to sexuality. But I can tell you some things that I’ve learned from my 24 years of treating men and their sexuality issues:

1. Gay men enter the coming out process and recognize their identity not
when they have sex with other men but when they fall in love with other men. Men
can rationalize that their sexual behavior is a bit “kinky” or different but
when he begins to feel romantic desire for another male—in addition to sexual
desire--he then has to consider it is more than just about sex.

2. For
closeted gay men their depression and anxiety arise from being out of integrity
within themselves and from living an inauthentic life related to their identity.
This “out of integrity” dynamic is also true of SMSMs—their behavior goes
against their true orientation—but it is not related to their identity. SMSMs do
not feel compelled to--nor desire to--have a romantic relationship with another
male.

3. No matter how much they read about or investigate the gay
culture, it never feels like a true fit for them. SMSM’s feel a desire only for
the sexual acts with other men. Typically, gay and bisexual men will say they
enjoyed the other guy and whatever they did with him, while the SMSMs enjoy the
sex alone. The other man is irrelevant.

Of course, gay and bisexual men
also have encounters that are only about sex, where the other man is
irrelevant—an insignificant other. It’s also common for heterosexual
men to have sex with women just “to get their rocks off.” The woman is
irrelevant.

But for these gay, bisexual and straight men, that is not always true or
the norm. They will have periods of genuine romantic interest in the person they
hook up with. However, SMSMs never feel any interest in the other male as a
person--only for the sexual act between them. The encounter is strictly sexual, often involving a heightened sexualization of
a certain act, fetish, sexual scene or part of the body.

4. If a man
having sex with other men is authentically gay, his identity will eventually
surface, whether or not he wants it to. When a gay or bisexual man calls me for
therapy and wants to stay closeted and remove any shame or guilt they have about
their homosexuality, I always warn him that the more he talks about his
homosexuality, the harder it will be to keep himself closeted. Ultimately, his coming out process will get activated. He will want to come out and
won’t be able to hold back his identity.

It is reductionistic to assume that having sex with the same gender, in and of itself, makes someone gay or bisexual. That seems to be the worst form of homophobia, contributing to the myth—seized on by reparative therapists and others heterosexists—who define homosexuality as merely sexual behavior.

Being gay or bisexual entails much more than just sex. If a gay or bisexual man never engaged in sexual behavior for the rest of his life, he would still be gay, because that is his identity, not a description of how he behaves.

Bisexual Sex Addicts: A Typical Story

Here is a good clinical example by another therapist of how non-gay men who have sex with men can be the result of sexual addiction and be driven by father hunger.

The author is Jerry Goodman. I know him through SASH (Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health) which is an organization for sexual addiction and compulsivity.

Jerry has been an LCSW (Licensed Certified Social Worker) psychotherapist for approximately 30 years, the last 18 of which he has specialized in treating male sex addicts. In the early 90’s, with his wife, Margaret, he developed the Counseling Affiliates Sexual Addiction Treatment Program in Houston. In 1991 Jerry took one of Patrick Carnes' early sexual addition training intensives for therapists and continued to follow Carnes’ literature, lectures, workshops and personal counsel. Finally when professional certification became available, he obtained the Certified Sex Addiction Therapist certification (CSAT) in 2001. The following year he received the Supervisor/Consultant Certification for assisting other therapists in obtaining the CSAT. Jerry draws not only on his years of training and professional experience but also on his years of personal recovery

Sex addiction help
Houston Counseling Affiliates
2620 Fountainview, Ste. 250
Houston, TX 77057


Here is a case example that involves MSM.

A Story about Bisexual Sexual Addiction

The following are excerpts:

It was unanimously decided that he was not a repressed homosexual but that he
had long been addicted to sexualized re-enactment of his childhood trauma with
his father which had prevented him from completing some of his psychic
development, leaving him in doubt of his masculinity. This was part of the
anxiety and inner turmoil that he had acted out over and over. He was told that
the neurologically programmed addictive response would probably stay with him
but that with the willingness to work a strong recovery program and to do some
significant psychological work, he would be able to control the addiction rather
than the addiction controlling him, allowing him to have the life he and Laura
wanted. Laura also learned that she needed to participate in a recovery program
and to do psychological work to help her with the effects Manuel’s problem had
had on her and to resolve her own issues which she learned had played a part in
unconsciously attracting her to Manuel.

Later in the article the therapist writes:

"These patterns are clear evidence of sexual addiction despite the unavoidable
presence of cultural influence which probably accounted for the sexual identity
doubt expressed to Carlos when he said he had wondered if he was gay. Ultimately
the professional treatment ruled out repressed homosexuality, and even prior to
that there was a good indication of a heterosexual identity in that he felt
genuine love, which could be assumed included romantic and sexual love, for
Laura."

And finally he ends with this:

No doubt Manuel will have an attraction to males his whole life that was set in
motion as a child by the rejection and criticism from his father. In a sense the
rejection by his primary masculine role model prevented him from developing a
secure concept of himself as male. Therefore, the attraction to males probably
has an element of unconscious searching for unfulfilled fathering and
symbolically taking into his psyche the masculinity he had partially distanced
himself from in childhood in reaction to his father's harshness. This “quest,”
like all other patterns of experience that occurred in his psychological
development were neurologically programmed as part of his psychic “map” or
template, and therefore a permanent part of him.

For the entire case example click here

Does Everyone Think You're Gay?

A nice article appears this month in Details magazine on the concept that For some guys, no amount of evidence to the contrary can kill a certain rumor.

The article was written by by Mike Albo.

Albo starts the story about a friend of his named Gary who is often mistaken for gay when he is 100% straight. He talks about celebrities such as John Travolta and Tom Cruise who have never been able to shake off the rumors even when their lives clearly point to a heterosexual orientation.

This is a good conversation as I have known many clients and men (and women) in my personal life who have this same issue.

The author writes:

Gary's what I like to call a "stray," a straight guy who sends out gay
signals like he's shaking a tambourine even as he proclaims himself—and in fact
is—100 percent heterosexual. The characteristics that define a stray as such
vary widely. Maybe it's a melodious laugh. Or a fastidious shirt-and-tie combo.
Or an effusive signature salutation ("Oh my god! I'm totally psyched to see
you!"). But more often the thing about a heterosexual guy that makes everyone
assume he's a homo is almost impossible to pinpoint. He may talk up his love of
ladies more than Bret Michaels does, he may have a wife and kids, but people
always react the same way: "Really? No, wait—really?"

This phenomenon shouldn't be confused with that of actual gay men who
masquerade as straight. And we're not talking about the metrosexual, that
embodiment of a played-out consumer megatrend that involved slim-cut pants and
moisturizer. Every guy in America knows how to clip his nose hairs and make his
outfit go from day to night. Those skills aren't what make a heterosexual man
read gay. So what does?

Science has tried to figure this out. Researchers have studied
behavioral traits like "hip sway" and "voice quality" and even physical traits
like hair-whorl patterns and finger-length ratios. Richard Lippa, a professor of
psychology at California State University, Fullerton, and the author of Gender,
Nature, and Nurture, says that no one trait can be used to determine someone's
sexuality. But, he says, "I think the one thing we can conclude from the
existing research is that both scientists and laypeople can judge people's
sexual orientation at better-than-chance levels based on behavioral
traits."

That's not what the perpetually mistaken-for-gay man wants to hear. He
wants the word spread that people are often wrong when they play Guess the
Orientation. He wants his having a girlfriend or being married with kids to be a
sufficient indicator that he doesn't like to sleep with men. But you can't stop
the gay rumor once it starts. Strays are often tagged and classified in the
workplace, where, out of curiosity and sheer boredom, colleagues pick each other
apart with forensic specificity, zooming in on the wedding-ring-wearing guy in
sales who likes his limbs tanning-booth bronzed, or the highlighted assistant
who claims to be hot for Scarlett Johansson.

Alex (not his real name), a
website editor in San Francisco, has watched one of his bosses groom himself
into stray territory. "He mixes protein shakes, has lost 150 pounds, wears
Kenneth Cole, and is a member of Equinox," Alex says. "He has lots of female
friends, and he talks about being attracted to them—but the women think of him
as a friend."

Some people, in my judgment, want to believe that these folks are gay and that they are in denial to confirm that their "gaydar" is correct. Others want to catch these individuals in a lie to "out" them and make the confess. Others still have ideas of what it means to be gay or straight and if rumors exist and even if evidence that these folks have has same sex behaviors than it must mean that they are truly gay and closeted.

This blog is about recognizing that it is much more complicated.

What do you think?

bi-curious?

bi-curious?

There is an interesting thread going on at afterellen.com regarding what constitutes bi-curious and bisexuality. It is worth reading. The following is an excerpt:

I think a person can identify as bisexual without ever having sex. If you're
attracted to men and women; I'd paint you bisexual.

So where does the bi-curious part come in? Is it a legitimate orientation?

I know some people would call bisexuality a phase, I do NOT agree with that
notion. But I do think bi-curious is a phase. It seems like the 'still
questioning' period before a person actually comes out. It seems like it's the
fantasizing, flirting, contemplating that a person does before they come to
terms with their true sexuality.

It seems to be a term reserved for straight people who always wondered what
it would be like to be with someone of the same sex. But can it be used for gay
people who wonder about being with someone of the opposite sex?

Is it fair to use the term for people who are honestly questioning their
sexuality and also use it for people who just want to experiment or are in it
for shits-n-giggles?

I've seen the term used for straight women who find out you are genuinely
attracted to women; so they treat you like they would treat any other man.
Basically, flirting and making out just so they can feel wanted and get some
attention. *no, I'm not stereotyping all straight women. I'm talking about
attention wh*res.*

If you've already had sex or a relationship with someone of the same gender,
is it logical to still identify as bi-curious? If you're found frequently making
out with people of the same sex, are you still bi-curious?

I'm trying to get some clarification because I've heard people use the term
bi-curious for things I would consider bisexual or straight women who just want
some extra attention.
This may sound like a stupid question that's already
been addressed. I'm just trying to dispel some of my ignorance.

Gay, straight, bi, MSM all valid terms, researchers say

Today in the Washington Blade :

Craig scandal brings issue of sexual identity to light
Gay, straight, bi, MSM all valid terms, researchers say

ELIZABETH PERRY Friday, September 21, 2007

Sen. Larry Craig’s (R-Idaho) arrest last June for allegedly soliciting sex from another man in an airport restroom and his insistence that he is straight has reawakened the debate over sexual behavior, identity and orientation.“I am not gay. I have never been gay,” Craig said at an oft-quoted Aug. 28 news conference. “I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis Airport.”

Kort, a gay therapist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, said it is possible that Craig might well be homosexual in terms of orientation, but not identity. He said being “gay” is an identity, while being “homosexual” is an orientation.

“I treat many men who are homosexual and do not wish to be gay,” Kort said. “They cannot and do not change their orientation, however. For these men, and Larry Craig may be one of them, being gay is the furthest from how they see themselves. He may be a straight man who enjoys occasional sex with men or he might be a homosexual or bisexual man, but would never identify this way because it is an affirmative identity that does not fit for him.”

That view is controversial among many gays who reject the notion that “gay” is an identity. Some scientists and researchers in fields ranging from psychology, AIDS research, blood donation and more, use the term “men who have sex with men,” or MSM, for their purposes. It’s useful to them because it removes the stigma associated with terms like gay or bi and while questions of the latter terms raise a bounty of identity issues, MSM is more concrete and quantifiable.

"I Am Bisexual. I Like Both Gay & Straight Men!" Alan Semonian

This is a quote from a friend of mine who has given me permission to reprint it. I think it speaks to the large number of gay men who enjoy erotic play with straight men.

I have received many emails from gay men who have told me that reading this blog is like reading pornography for them in that they have fantasies of wanting to be sexual with straight men.

I have had many clients that enjoy finding straight men they can convince to be sexual with them.

The following is an excerpt on this topic of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy from chapter 7 of my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love.


I identify the cultural phenomenon of gay males seeking “straight acting” gay men because of internalized homophobia and how they’re more often looking for masculine acting men.

But what about gay men’s sexual obsessions with real straight men? I’ve heard countless clients tell me of their interest in “getting sexual with a straight man” for one night. Some clients talk about wanting the man to remain straight all the way through the fantasy while they “service” him without reciprocation. Others want him to participate by talking or telling him what to do, while still others want him to lay back and be worshiped. Others want the straight man to humiliate them, while still others want the straight man to suddenly become sexually interested back toward him. Whatever the case, it gives you more information about yourself.

I see sexual fantasies about straight men as longings for being accepted by straight men in general or your father. Straight men can be stand-ins for your fathering figures—a dynamic very similar to that of the fag hag who flirts heavily with gay men, knowing nothing will come of it.

In Arousal, Bader describes the situation of straight women sexually attracted to gay men because they’re “safe.” He writes that these women can become “sexually expressive . . . in a more confident and spontaneous way than they can with straight men . . . because their overtures will not be reciprocated. These are women who have anxieties about being sexual with straight men because they’re afraid of being overpowered or rejected.”

A gay man won’t cross the line toward her, makes it safe for women to flirt and be sexually aggressive with him without risking rejection, since he is gay anyway. If she convinces the gay guy to be sexual with her, Bader states that this is “reassurance that she is especially attractive.”

Gay men have been wounded, bruised, beaten down, and humiliated by straight men— resulting in straight men, particularly those in a position of authority, being recipients of both positive and negative transference from gay men. We hear over and over that these men would never accept a sissy boy—which we have accepted that we are. Because of this, gay men often fear straight men.

As children, we do love these paternal figures and we want their acceptance; as adults, we sexualize these straight men because it unconsciously offers a way to feel safely and pleasantly attached to them. In the sexual fantasy of pleasing a straight guy, you finally get a chance to make contact with him and get the approval you have always wanted.

Some gay men have fantasies of overpowering straight men—seducing or forcing gay sex onto them. Again, while these fantasies can make for exciting fun, preoccupation with them or acting on them—even with a willing straight male—won’t help you find Mr. Right in the long run, if that is in fact what you are looking for. It can also be a distraction from examining your own issues around straight males.

Larry Craig's Wife: From the Down Low to In The Know

Larry Craig and other men have sex with men without telling their wives are living on the Down Low (DL).

These Straight Guise are not inclined to tell their female partners about their sexual behavior, of course, because they are concerned they will lose the one person they love most. Women often say that men keeping their sexual desires and behaviors a secret is an example that they’re not in love anymore. But the opposite is often true—because a man cares so strongly for his wife, he wants to protect her feelings. This is not very comforting for the spouse who feels (and has been) betrayed. For a woman, her self-worth, sexual and mental health all suffer.

Discretion versus Disclosure

What should the female partner do upon learning this information? It is easy to label the Straight Guise as gay and/or bisexual and for him to do so himself, but the truth might be that he is neither. Understanding this can help save marriages and increase understanding, compassion and empathy for one another.

If he is gay then telling his wife and being honest with himself can begin the healing for them both.

When Straight Guise come out of his closet the straight spouses go immediately in. She often blames herself for her male partner’s wanderings and needs help to avoid drawing the conclusion that there was something wrong with the marriage. It may or may not have something to do with problems in the marriage but the majority of the reason is about the man himself.

Most extramarital affairs, whether the couple is straight or gay, result from one or both partners’ inability to achieve and keep intimacy. While these factors affect many heterosexual marriages, the Straight Guise’s predominant motive for “straying” is to find his true identity and reveal it to himself. Straight Guise typically cheat or act out because they’re repressing part of themselves. Their conflict is about their “identity,” not about their ability to love and bond with their partner. It is not the result of marital problems.

Typically the female spouse feels as though she did something to cause her husband to seek out affairs with men. As readily as she claims total responsibility for the state of her marriage, her male partner is willing to blame her as well, often claiming that she wasn’t responsive to his needs. Once both partners understand that the acting out is probably about issues of identity, not dissatisfaction; and once the man begins treating his female partner as a partner rather than as an adversary, they can begin to resolve their relationship.

Differences between Women and Straight Guise

It is known that when women have sexual experiences with other women they endure less negative consequences than do men who have sex with men.

An interesting article in online ABC News tells of some of the negative labels women have to endure:

Young Women Defy Labels in Intimacy With Both Sexes
Bisexuals Take a 'Flexible' View and Don't Follow a 'Fixed Path,' Say Sexuality Experts

Young bisexual women face urban labels like "hasbien" and "Bug" (bisexual until graduation), not to mention the giddy voyeurism of male fantasies and the ridicule of their lesbian sisters.

The Good News For Women Discussed in the Article

For many of today's women in their late teens and 20s, openness to intimate physical relationships with either gender has become a way of life, rather than an "experiment." This relatively new phenomenon is likely a product of a generation unconcerned with labels.

"These young women see sexuality as a fluid thing," said National Gay and Lesbian Task Force spokeswoman Roberta Sklar. "It's not just between your legs."
"These relationships are physical, emotional and intellectual, and the boundaries are not hard set," she said.

Although there are no hard data on the numbers, Sklar said a growing number of young women have a "more flexible view" of their sexual partners, and their early choices of gender may not be a "fixed path."

Read the entire article here.

MSM Terminology

Here is another email I received about where the term MSM originated:

When the term MSM was coined it was to created it as you described to create an objective term so that materials produced could be relevant to any man who has sex with other men, regardless of how he identifies -- in getting information to men, and wanting it to be relevant they wanted to remove any internal barriers that might allow a man to say -- this isn't about me.

And if you think about it -- the exact reasons why homosexual sounds so right to you -- "a term with a history and culture" -- means that it runs into the same issue when using the term gay or bisexual -- by appearing to a segment of MSM as not being applicable to them.

Its also important to note that MSM is a clinical term and isn't really designed to be an identity, its just a way of putting a set of behaviors under a single roof that might be applicable to a variety of identities.

Currently those within the bisexual community are pushing to also make HIV/AIDS materials that are an expansion of the MSM materials that include behaviors MSMW -- so this carries information about sexuality transmitted diseases that men can carry with little or no effect that has a larger effect on women; additional information as relates to bisexual health and awareness, etc.

The Boston community is really in forefront of a lot of this work here in the US -- Fenway Community Health has been producing a specific bisexual targeted HIV/AIDS program that produces pamphlets specifically stating bisexual and another one for MSMW -- you should check them out. You should also look at the Bisexual Resource Center's website as they have a multitude of resources on Bisexual Health as well as other categories.

Empowering men who have sex with men to fight AIDS

One of the reasons I started this blog was to educate about all of the factors involved in men who have sex with men. One of the main problems is the risk of HIV. Many believe this is because gay and bisexual men are not responsible.

However a large factor is because many straight men who have sex with other men do not bring condoms because to do so would mean they intended to be sexual with another man and that it might mean they are gay. In other words, if I plan it I wanted it and that means I have a gay identity.

This is homophobia at work. Helping men who have sex with men understand that it does not mean their identity is gay or even bisexual can hopefully allow them to plan and use protection and stop the risk of infection to themselves and to the women in their lives to whom they go home.

An article by By Kevin Frost and Dr. Chris Beyrer in Bay Windows - New England's largest GLBT newspaper on July 26, 2007 reads:

Men who have sex with men, or “MSM,” is a term that applies to those who identify as “gay,” but it also includes many MSM throughout the world whose gender and sexual identities defy Western categorization. For instance, in India there are at least three designations: “Kothis” are effeminate MSM who may nonetheless be married to women and have families; “panthis” are masculine men who have sex with kothis; and “hijras,” who are often castrated, are considered to be a third gender altogether.While these groups often do not identify as a cohesive community, they share a vulnerability to HIV/AIDS.

Men who have sex with men are among the most vulnerable populations to HIV transmission worldwide, and yet they continue to be one of the most underserved. Today, fewer than one in 20 MSM has access to basic HIV education, prevention services or care. Many will die of AIDS simply because appropriate programs to support them do not exist.

Bisexuals are part of Straight Guise too!

Mark Simpson, the man who coined the term Metrosexual talks in his blog about bisexuality. I agree with his beliefs that it is easier for straight women to admit they enjoy, have and seek sex with women. They can self-identify as bisexual and not face discrimination the same way a man would. They are not punished in the same way men are as Mark blogs below:

Straight women now have something to gain and little to lose by admitting an interest in other women. Rather than exile them to the acrylic mines of Planet Lesbo, it makes them more interesting, more adventurous, more modern… just more. For the most part, however, straight men still have nothing to gain and everything to lose by making a similar admission. It renders them considerably… less. Unlike women, men’s gender is immediately suspect if they express an interest in the same sex. What’s more, any male homosexuality still tends to be seen as an expression of impotence with women; in other words: men’s attraction to men is equivalent to and probably a product of emasculation.
A straight man admitting that he finds masculinity desirable – as so many clearly, thrillingly do – threatens to cost him the very thing he values most: not only his own manhood and his potency, his reputation with the ladies, but his lads-together homosocial intimacy with other men. It’s a nasty, vicious, bitchy trick to play on millions of red-blooded men, but this is what passes for common sense in the modern, anglo-saxon world.

Guise and Dolls

Over the years I have treated hundreds of men--gay, bisexual and straight--who tell me that they enjoy various sexual fantasies and sexual acts but would never tell their wives. They want to tell and include her in their sexual world but worry about her judgment about something they already feel ashamed about.

Some actually do tell and receive responses such as this:

"You want me to do that? I am not that kind of woman!"
"Why would you want anal sex? Are you gay?"
"I am not going to do that and you better not get that anywhere else!"
"You cheated on me because you don't love me."

The fact is that most of these men want to engage in sexual behaviors, sexual fantasies, sexual talk, and perhaps pornography--either with their female partners included or at the very least with her knowledge.

Women often judge that if their male partners do not tell her about their sexual interests that it is because they don't love her. The fact is they don't tell because they love her do not want to lose her.

Take my client George for example. He had strong interests in receiving anal sex. He enjoyed inserting dildos and his fingers into his anus and derived strong sexual pleasure from this. He worried he was gay and learned in therapy that enjoying anal sex is not an indicator of one's homosexuality. It is a sexual act and desire which is separate from one's identity.

After George put this into perspective he decided to tell his wife. He told her of his sexual interests in his anal sex where he is the received and asked her if she would be willing to use sex toys and even a strap-on to wear while penetrating him anally. She became immediately angry accusing him of being gay and telling him she never wanted to talk about it.

Feeling ashamed, he never brought it to her attention again and found himself hiding his sex toys and looking for male partners who would anally penetrate him. He was clear that if his wife was receptive to his sexual interest he would not seek out men to engage in this act.

I asked him why he sought men and other women to do this and he said he had but received the same negative judgments from them. He reported that men who enjoyed giving anal sex never judged him. He did not care about what the men looked like or what their personality was he simply enjoyed the sexual act.

I am not blaming his wife for his acting out sexually with other men. I do hold her accountable for not being more open to talking with him about his sexual interest and at least experimenting with his sexual desires.

This is not limited to women in terms of being sexually judgmental. Men can be this way as well when it comes to their partners needs and interests. However, women tend to be less sexually open than men and these men then stray from the marriage to get their sexual needs met.

This illustrates only one of many reasons why men seek out sex with other men.

How Reparative Therapy is different from Straight Guise

There is an excellent four part story on the ex-gay movement entitled My Ex-Gay Life: Dissecting Reparative Therapy My Ex-Gay Life: Dissecting Reparative Therapy

There is a great quote they start with:

"Sexuality is a fluid, dynamic thing. There’s no such thing as sexually-fixed identities - those are things that are fabricated by man." - Michael Glatze

And then the lies begin by those interviewed from the reparative therapy camps:

We are an organization of psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists around the country who really are committed to helping individuals who are dissatisfied with their same-sex attractions," says Joseph Nicolosi, one of the founders of the organization who currently serves as its President. "We’re defending their right to receive such treatment, and our right to offer such treatment."

The lie is that their treatment is the belief that everyone is born straight and that homosexuality is heterosexuality gone bad!

They will state in their literature that there is "nothing gay about homosexuality". This is the problem with NARTH, Nicolosi, and other programs for "ex-gays". That one can become "ungay"--like the 7-UP commercials for the un-cola I guess.

The problem is that they are calling homosexuality inherently damaged and a result of pathology. This is old school thinking.

No one can go from gay to straight. They can stop sexual behaviors but the gay man is still gay and the lesbian is still a lesbian. I always say if I never have sex for the rest of my life I am still a gay man.

However, the straight man who engages in homosexual behavior and stops was never gay from the start! He was a straight man having sex with other men for many reasons that are not all pathological.

Nicolosi goes onto say:

"[They need to] get those needs met thought a relationship with other men," he says. "The focus is not on not having gay sex... it’s putting the emphasis on making deep emotional attachments. And we have seen that when these men make deep emotional attachments to other men, their sexual interest diminishes."

Nicolosi is saying that gay men who put emphasis on making deep emotional attachments with other men they will no longer be gay. Tell that to the thousands of gay men--including myself--who have deep emotional attachments to other men and are still gay.

Are there straight men who hunger for male intimacy and act out homosexually and once the need is met they no longer seek out sex with men? YES.

Are there bisexual men who are more attracted to women but have sex with men and stop? YES.

Yes. But they are straight or bisexual from the start. They are not gay.

The issue at hand here is that reparative therapy has confused a gay identity with straight men who have sex with other men. They are apples and oranges. The theories are accurate in why someone would seek out sex with other men but they are not about being gay or homosexuality.

Gay Guise: What to do when your client has sex with men, but is straight

Gay Guise: What to do when your client has sex with men, but is straight
By Joe Kort, LMSW

From the July/August issue of The Psychotherapy Networker

Paul, a slim, attractive, 29-year-old white man who owns a landscaping company, was referred to me by his therapist (with whom he was making no progress) shortly after he attempted suicide. He told me that eight months previously, Julie, his fiancée, had discovered that he'd been having unprotected anal sex with men. When she confronted him, he denied it, but soon broke down and confessed. Devastated and angry, she broke off their engagement, accusing him of being duplicitous (she believed they were monogamous) and secretive. Worst of all, she felt frightened that he'd put her at risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Paul loved Julie and said he knew she was the woman for him. They'd dated for three years and been engaged for one. He hadn't told her about his homoerotic tendencies, nor had he confessed his suspicions that he might be bisexual. Then again, he thought every guy had some homoerotic thoughts that he probably kept private. He couldn't understand why Julie was so angry with him or why she didn't try to understand what he was going through.

Instead, Julie had rebuffed all his desperate and obsessive attempts to win her back. Ultimately, she'd had a restraining order issued against him. Shortly after this, Paul engaged in a binge of sexual acting-out with both men and women, culminating in the suicide attempt that brought him to my office.

This has happened many times: a man comes into my office, referred by his own therapist and clutching coming-out literature the therapist has given him. He explains that his therapist has tried, unsuccessfully, to help him come out as a gay or bisexual man. But even though he's had sex with other men or gone to gay male Internet porn sites, he insists he isn't gay. He says he isn't homophobic, either; if it turns out that he is gay or bisexual, he'll accept it and move on with his life—but it just doesn't feel right to him.Historically, psychotherapy assumed homosexuality was a psychological disorder. Therapists focused on helping clients "recover" and find their innate heterosexuality, much to the harm of many gays and lesbians.

During the last three decades, in reaction to these prejudiced and destructive attitudes, we've seen the pendulum swing so far the other way that it's now become almost a therapeutic credo, not to mention a requirement of political correctness, to assume that men who have sex with men are "in denial," and that the clinician's job was to help them recognize and accept their "true" homosexual orientation. In fact, neither extreme represents the experience of many men.The truth is that many men who have sex with men aren't gay or bisexual. Although their confused mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay men go on to develop a gay identity, whereas these men don't.

Therapists who treat such men need to realize that just because a client is sexual with the same gender doesn't necessarily reflect his sexual or romantic orientation. While we may believe we've accurately assessed whether a client is gay, it isn't up to us as therapists to make this judgment. Countertransference, cultural stereotypes, and personal feelings too often enter the therapy room and complicate our work—particularly with these clients. Therapists need to help such clients discover for themselves whether they're acting out a gay or bisexual identity by asking the right questions and by agreeing on a shared vocabulary.

To read more click here.

Coming Out or Acting Out?

Men who have sex with men are questioning their sexuality and are trying to find explanations about what they are thinking, doing and feeling.

For some it can be the beginning of the coming out process. The first three stages of coming out are riddled with confusion, denial and questioning whether one is really gay or not.
Straight men who have sex with men and gay men in the early stages of coming out resemble each other.

How can you distinguish whether your gay/bisexual or a straight man who seeks sex with other men?

For gay men they continue moving onto the final three stages of coming out and recognize it is about their identity. To be a gay man describes a sexual orientation characterized by lasting aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual attraction exclusively for others of the same sex or gender. To be gay man means that his thoughts, fantasies and behavior are aligned. It is an identity based on affectional, emotional, spiritual, psychological and sexual feelings exclusively or mostly to men.

For bisexual men, they can enjoy both men and women being part of some of their sexual fantasies and behaviors. He might be more turned on to one gender than the other or to both equally but he has desire for both. Bisexual men will be only drawn to both images of men and women on the beach and will find himself distracted by wanting to look and potentially meet these either of them for a sexual and/or romantic relationship. In relationship they choose either a male or female and can choose monogamy if that is what they want while still enjoying fantasies of the other gender.

For straight men who have sex with men (SMSM) they engage in sexual behavior with other men, and are not "gay" or "bisexual". These men have sex with men and engage in sex acts with men but their orientation is heterosexual and not gay. These men are not romantically or sexually aroused by other men. They are not sexually distracted by images of other men on a beach or other public places. They are sexually aroused and attracted to women and are aroused at images of naked women or women in sexy attire and are left cold by these same images of men. SMSM’s seek sex with other men for reasons that are not about sexual and/or romantic orientation but are about sexual preferences. In fact they are turned off and left cold by naked images of men.

Their same-gender sex acts are about physical release and about the behavior not about attraction or desire for another man. Often they prefer for women to be present making the sexual contact more exciting. Their behavior reflects a narrative about the man in terms his need for bonding and affection from another man, experimentation, potential problems with his sexual feelings and desires, childhood sexual abuse, abuse from males throughout his life and many other factors.

In some cases strong, recurring same-sex fantasies can indicate a deeper social or sexual need. Loneliness and lack of identity can cause an erotic reaction to thoughts of other men. They often need drugs and alcohol to be part of their sexual behavior and often find themselves less aroused with men than they are with women.

SMSM's do not struggle with sexual desire for other men in terms of wanting romantic relationships as do gay and bisexual men.

The struggle for SMSM's is that because of heterosexism which insists someone is either straight, bisexual or gay based on their behavior that their sexual behavior defines them.

Women Who Love Straight Guise

A lot of my work consists of therapy with women in love with men who have sex with men. These can be mixed-orientation marriages where their spouse or partner is a gay or bisexual man or it can be with a women who learns her male partner is fantasizing and/or wants to have sex with other men.

Learning that a man seeks, fantasizes or wants sexual contact with another man does not mean he is gay as this blog explores the numerous other possibilities that exist. It does not mean the marriage has to end.

To see me talking about these couples click below:

When Sexual Abuse Masquerades as gay

Homosexual behavior doesn’t mean a man is gay or even bi, he can simply be left with an imprint to re-enact his abuse and find “pleasure” in what was inflicted on him as a child. This really isn’t pleasure at all, but trauma turned into orgasm.

In their book, Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response by John M. Preble and A. Nicholas Groth say it best:

. . . this may actually reflect an effort at mastery of the traumatic event . . . when he was being sexually victimized, someone else was in control of him sexually. During masturbation he is literally in control of himself sexually, and this may be a way in which he attempts to reclaim mastery over his own sexuality. Likewise, his participation in consensual sex reflects his choice and decision.

The authors go on to say that “the fantasy thoughts are prompted by fear more than desire, by anxiety more than pleasure.” In other words, they become a way of managing fear and anxiety. Larry is a good example.

Larry was a 47-year-old school teacher whose wife of 7 years threatened to divorce him. She had caught him in gay chat rooms and emailing other men about possibly hooking up. Might he be gay? He told me, “I don’t care if I am gay. I just need to know. I’ve worried about this since I was a teenager.

Larry told me that his male-male interests were about big erect penises that he could fellate. His searched the Internet to find men who wanted oral service and would show their erections on webcams. While Larry seldom ever met these men, he had done so a handful of times since he was 23 years old.

Larry also told me he’d never enjoyed any of these encounters. He would meet them, and orally please them, but feel sick and emotionally shamed.

At age 19, Larry had assumed his fantasies of fellating other men meant he was gay. He never felt romantic or sexual interest in other males while growing up, but told his father that he was convinced that this sexual fantasy was the start of his being “a homosexual.” Angry and upset, his father insisted that Larry was not gay and told him to never bring it up again. To Larry, this meant that he was on his own with these “deviant” fantasies.

While doing a thorough history on Larry, I asked about sexual abuse. He said, “None.” After asking this initial question, however, I always educate the client further by explaining that sexual abuse can be covert too; “It can feel right and good to you as a young boy. but really be abusive, based on the who the perpetrator is.”

Larry then recalled a memory that haunts him to this day.

When he was 10 years old, he and his older brother and cousin—both age 15—were at the cousin’s house. Larry looked up to these two and felt privileged to hang out with them doing “older boy” things. His brother and cousin were chewing some bubble gum and Larry asked if he could have a piece. The cousin said, “You can, as long as you give us a blow job.” Larry’s brother agreed, to which Larry said no. They continued chewing the gum. But A few minutes later, Larry’s desire for acceptance and belonging made him agree. His cousin pulled out his erection, and as soon as Larry began fellating him, both he and Larry’s brother made fun of him.
Afterward they threw a piece of gum at him and made him pick it up off the floor. That was then end of the episode—and the one and only time it happened.

How to help Larry:

I asked about the men Larry talked to on the internet. What did they look like? How old were they? Did he pursue them or was he pursued? Looking for clues into his interest in being with these men, I asked what they looked like—particularly if he looked up at them while fellating them.

Larry reported that he didn’t look up, nor did he care what the men looked like. All he focused on was the erection, and the bigger it was, the more arousing.

Now I understood the link. Larry was not closeted and in the process of coming out, but a heterosexual who was reenacting his sexual abuse—being and humiliated and shamed at age 10. When he told his father, “I think I might be gay,” he was really looking for comfort, admitting that he’d been sexually abused. Had his father questioned him further and let the conversation continue, that would have become obvious.

Was Larry’s compulsive searching the Internet for erections to fellate was his psyche’s way of seeking resolution from that sexual abuse? When I verbally presented this possibility to Larry, he began to sob uncontrollably. He finally connected to his childhood sexual abuse and what was driving his sexual-acting out.

Larry’s treatment now was to work on his childhood sexual abuse, and doing so reduced his urges to connect with men. He still had fantasies—which were normal from homosexual imprinting—but no longer felt compelled to act on them.

In learning this he could explain to his wife what his behaviors were about and she developed compassion around his past abuse and suffering rather than feeling violated that he was cheating on her or that it was about the marriage.

What is Straight Guise?

In this blog, I’ll explain the concept of SMSM (straight men who have sex with men). This term derives from the growing body of literature showing evidence that not all men who have sex with men—even obligatory homosexual sex—are gay. It struck such a chord that even Oprah addressed the issue when she interviewed J.L. King who originally exposed this lifestyle in the black community with his breakout bestseller, On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of “Straight” Black Men Who Sleep with Men and Beyond the Down Low: Sex, Lies, and Denial in Black America by Keith Boyken. Straight Guise takes King’s book several steps farther. Both books talk about this phenomenon among African-American men however the truth is that it exists amongst all races, ethnicities, religions and socio-economic classes.

Straight Guise will explore the many reasons men have sex with other men, only some of which have anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

Many types of men engage in same-sex relationships, for a variety of reasons, which I will identify for the reader. A few of them are:

1. Openly Gay: These are men with homosexual orientations and preferences, who are romantically and sexually aroused by other men. When engaging in sexual activity with men, they feel affirmed and positive.

2. Closeted homosexual: These are homosexually oriented men who are sexually attracted to other men but are ashamed of their feelings and repress their urges to enjoy their fantasies and behaviors—knowing it could lead to romance and love. When they engage in same-sex behavior, they feel ashamed.

3. Hetero-Emotional and Homo-Sexual Men: These are men who are romantically attracted to the opposite sex and are usually heterosexually married and can be sexual with women they love but they are predominately aroused and driven sexually by desire for sex with other men.

4. Bisexual: These are men with combined heterosexual and homosexual orientations and preferences who are sexually—and often romantically—aroused and desire both genders. When they fantasize or act out on these urges, they too feel affirmed and positive.

5. Homosexual Imprinting: These are men acting out early childhood sexual abuse. These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire nor are they aroused by other men. However, they compulsively re-enact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. This has nothing to do with their sexual and romantic identities.

If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep “returning to the scene of the crime” to defuse and desensitize his emotional pain. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the “homosexual” behavior he’s re-enacting ceases. This isn’t about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.

6. Men who are sex workers/male escorts: These heterosexual men engage in sexual behavior with other men by choice for the financial reward and lack desire for the other men and are aroused by the behavior not the man.

7. Men seeking intensely arousing but shameful experiences (dildo sex, bondage): These are heterosexual men who are strongly compelled and interested in various sexual experiences and preferences that would often be labeled as homosexual. To avoid being identified in this way by females, they seek out men, whom they perceive as non-judgmental.

8. First Sexual Experience: Sometimes heterosexual males experiment with other males sexually, usually in adolescence and/or young adulthood (up to age 25) for the experience and curiosity.

9. Availability/Opportunity: These straight men have high sex drives and are sexually aroused easily. They connect with men for physical sexual release, which can be quick and easy, avoiding having to emotionally engage.

10. Father Hunger: These are heterosexual men who crave affection and attention from their fathers and seek sex with men as a way of getting that male nurturance and acceptance.

11. Narcissism: These are straight men who are self-absorbed and have a constant need for attention and acceptance; they use sexuality with men to be worshipped and adored.

12. Sexual Addiction: “Gay” behavior can be the result of sexual addiction. I’ll clarify what sexual addiction is—and isn’t—and explore its defining signs and symptoms. But even a "cured" sex addict will still feel attracted to men, as do celibate gay priests.

13. Cuckolds: These are men who enjoy fantasies of--or the reality of--their wives and girlfriends having sex with other men either in front of them, nearby or with their knowledge about when and where it occurs. They’re often sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their wives are being pleased by another male whom they see as more potent and better endowed. Other men enjoy being sexual with other men's wives in front of the husband or at least with their knowledge. Sometimes they engage in sexual behavior with the man but only in the presence of the wife or girlfriend.

14. Exhibitionists: These are men who enjoy being looked at by both men and women as long as they are being admired for their bodies. Many are body builders and muscular and enjoy the homo-erotic attention of gay men and might even flirt with gay men to encourage more admiration.

15. Sex in Prison: These are men who are imprisoned who engage in same sex behavior. Their need for sexual release with another person occurs with men as they are available. Once released from prison they no longer engage in sexual behavior with men.

16. Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (HOCD): This is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in which the individual is preoccupied about being homosexual when, in fact, they are heterosexual. They experience intrusive thoughts that they might be homosexual and feel compelled to engage in certain behaviors that make them think they are gay when in truth they are straight.

I’ll also address the controversial concept of reparative therapy (RT), which is based on the notion that gay or lesbian behavior is due solely to childhood trauma or gender confusion. RT does not believe there is anything positive about homosexuality and believes sexual orientation change is possible. Trying to change one’s orientation is harmful and impossible. In fact, RT has been widely discredited. I believe that RT isn’t therapy: it instills self-hate in gays and lesbians and is covert cultural sexual abuse. Every mental health institution and accrediting organizations have deemed it unethical.

Written from my perspective as a gay psychotherapist who has counseled thousands of sexually confused men over the years, Straight Guise shows how this phenomenon goes well beyond the African American community. Not a week goes by when I don’t receive distressed emails or phone calls from men who worry they might be gay and either are or are not and wives who have discovered their husbands engaged in gay hookups and relationships or exploring gay porn.

If there are any success stories by someone practicing RT or helping someone stop same sex attractions, the individual was not gay from the start. In other words those who state they have helped someone go from gay to straight or be relieved or same sex attraction are simply describing someone who is heterosexual who may have been acting out homosexual behavior having nothing to do with their sexual orientation.

The harm of groups which attempt to change sexual orientation are well documented in two excellent films, Fish Can't Fly and One Nation Under God.

I intend to help readers just as I have helped my clients, first by separating the two types of men in the world: There are men who are gay and bisexual and then there are heterosexual men who seek out sex with other men. The difference is one of sexual preference versus sexual identity.