When your spouse announces he is gay

It has always been my stance that mixed orientation marriages do not have to seperate. This article supports that.

When your spouse announces he is gay

By Robert DiGiacomo

(LifeWire) -- When her husband of more than a decade revealed he was gay, Anna Marie Will was surprised -- but not shocked.

Jim and Anna Marie Will decided to stay together after he announced he was gay.

Her husband, Jim, had never fit her stereotypical idea of the sports-loving, macho, straight guy, and the two had even gone to gay bars with a friend who was gay. But that didn't mean she was prepared for the news.

"Neither one of us had a clue -- he didn't know what being gay meant for him. ... He needed to figure that out," recalls Anna Marie Will, of Sacramento, California. "I needed to figure out what his being gay meant for me, and whether I could incorporate that into my life and my marriage."
What they did know was that they believed in their marriage and wanted to make it work. Jim Will's revelation in 2001 began a three-year process during which they sorted out their feelings for each other. Ultimately, the couple, whose daughter turns 15 in March, decided to stay together.

"He had to learn to talk to me -- he had spent so many years not saying what was really on his mind, and not dealing with his true feelings," says Anna Marie Will, now 39, a worker's compensation program administrator. "We found out once we got past all that, our marriage was so much better. We still loved each other as people and partners."

Although Jim Will, 39, a secretary, had known on some level about his true orientation since he was 5, he didn't want to lose his deep bond with Anna Marie, whom he first befriended when they were in high school.

"When we married, and now still, we feel that we could spend the rest of our lives together," he says. "We want to be together."

The Wills' commitment to making their mixed-orientation marriage work over the long haul is more the exception for couples in this situation.

Nearly all couples decide to end their marriage by the third year of a spouse coming out, according to informal research conducted by Amity Pierce Buxton, a founder of and spokeswoman for the Straight Spouse Network, a support group that claims to reach about 7,000 spouses.

Even if the union is likely to end because one spouse is gay or lesbian, Buxton and her group try to help couples resolve their feelings in as positive a manner as possible.

The straight spouse is likely to feel that his or her sexual orientation has been rejected, says Buxton, whose first marriage ended in the early '80s after her husband came out. The straight spouse often also feels deceived and questions his or her beliefs about gender, as well as assumptions about the relationship: Wasn't I enough of a woman to keep him from straying? Wasn't I man enough to keep her from "turning"?

"After the initial shock, they gradually get to face the reality of the changes," says Buxton, author of "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families."

"Once they realize they can't go back, only then can they start ... deciding what's best for them."
What Should You Tell the Kids?

Mixed-orientation couples like the Wills who also are parents must figure out what -- if anything -- to tell the kids about their relationship.

If the gay or lesbian spouse is not planning to act on his or her orientation, it may not be necessary to explain the situation at all, according to Shara Sand, a clinical assistant professor of psychology at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, Albert Einstein College of Medicine, at Yeshiva University.

For couples who agree on an open relationship, they may feel they have to broach the subject with their child. But Sand believes it's not advisable to do so before he or she reaches age 10, or the point at which they are capable of understanding abstract concepts.

"I might say something like, 'Mom and Dad still love each other very much... but we have a need to be close to other people. Some people have relationship where it's okay to live with someone and also be close to other people'," Sand suggests.

At no time should the couple discuss their sex life with their kids.

"I do think we've become a little boundary-less," Sand says. "I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for children to be led into the intimate part of their parents' relationship ever. Even if you have an open marriage, and you go out swinging, it's not something you necessarily tell your children."

One thing's familiar -- compromise

The Wills didn't talk much about their situation for about three months while Anna Marie Will began to come to terms with it. Then they started a series of discussions about the future of their relationship -- talks that were helped when she consulted the Straight Spouse Network and Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. The Wills set aside a time each week to discuss their feelings, rather than have the issue dominate their daily lives.

Eventually, they decided to have an open relationship, in which either could seek companionship from other people, and to continue their marriage on both an emotional and a sexual level.

Nevertheless, Jim identifies himself as gay, not bisexual. Anna Marie is straight.

"Both of us are free to do whatever we choose," Anna Marie Will says. "I haven't strayed beyond the marriage because I'm happy with the marriage in a mental and physical capacity."

Jim Will says he has had encounters with men but has not pursued a full-fledged relationship.
"To this day, I have a very difficult time going out," he says. "It's not cheating because she knows what I'm doing, but something about it is not right for me, and then the experience doesn't seem worth it.

"I feel like I need to find the balance somehow of living both sides," he says.

The Wills' relationship, albeit nontraditional, seems to be like most marriages in one respect: It's all about compromise.

"You can't help who you love," Anna Marie Will says. "I can't imagine sharing a sunrise or sunset, or good day or bad day, with anyone else.

"When you find that person, you know that's it."

Says her husband: "Your relationship can be different from everyone else's, and if it works for you in your heart, that's what you do."

HUSBANDS OUT TO THEIR WIVES

Here is an email I received about an online support group for gay or bisexual men who are out to their wives.

HUSBANDS OUT TO THEIR WIVES

Who We ARE Husbands Out to their Wives is a support group for married Gay or Bisexual men who either have or intend to come out to their wives. (The requirement is that a commitment has been made to themselves that it is necessary for their personal well-being and to have absolute honesty with the wife.)

The group was started in 1996 as a sub-group of Bi-Married Men of America (BMMA), an established group for married men who have identified themselves as Gay or Bisexual, but have not necessarily made the decision to come out of the closet to their spouses. The men in HOW represent a wide variety of life styles as far as relating their sexuality to their marriages. Some have no M2M intimate relationships, some do with the support of their wives, and there are examples of triad relationships living under the same roof. But these three types of situations are only some of the examples you will find within our group.

The basic purpose of the group is to be there for support in the struggles that the male certainly has as he tries to work through the problems that marriages, where the spouses may have different sexual orientations, have. One of the commonalities we find among ourselves is the lack of real male friends; guys we have bonded with, that we share our lives with in the way it appears that women do with their friends. We do not give advice, rather relate through personal experiences, the ways in which we have handled our own lives. We advocate neither divorce nor separation, but we never fail to realize the fact that in human emotions, that status (divorce) may be inevitable for some.

We request that those who have gone through divorce remain on the list for the support and understanding they can offer - both the positives and the negatives of their experiences. Our subjects or "threads" vary from discussions of our sexuality, our relationship to our wives and children, the process of coming out to our children, the sharing of humor (it is needed to break the depression that too often results), spiritual discussions, book or movie reviews or discussions, men's health and sex issues, and anything that helps us to support one another. It has been the tradition to have an Annual Gathering - 2003 was in Toronto, 2004 in Philadelphia, Baltimore in 2005, and Las Vegas in Oct. 2006. This year we will be meeting in Providence in November, an average of 32 men attending each year.

Be aware also, that this can be a very intensive email list. Over the history of the list, we average 30 posts a day coming through the server. Because those that are on the list never truly lose the need for support, problems raised range from the "How do we out", "how do we fulfill our personal needs while remaining in the marriage" to "Ways of remaining self-validated", which may include separation and divorce.

There are approximately 200 members on the list at any given time (233 as of this morning 9/12/07), that number slowly increasing as members join, resign, frequently come back, and there is more recognition and need as the vast numbers of us are slowly being recognized.. We demand civility and a humanistic approach in all we say, though the group is basically unmoderated with an administrator and an advisory committee of long-standing members.

What We Need for Membership in the List:

Being aware of the need for privacy and protection, particularly in those just contemplating coming out, HOW is a closed list in the sense that one must apply, and comply with the simple bits of information we request, some for record-keeping, some for the members to get to know each other, how to respond.

1. Your real name. This is published to the list only if you wish, but we do need it for our records - only the moderator and the bio guy ever have access to the Master List If you do not want your last name used (many begin that way), request that and we will comply. (we will also accept a complete alias for publication purposes - we still need your real name.) Be aware, however, that many of us have emails that display our real names. If you have that type of address, the guys are intelligent enough to figure out who you are.

2. To help all of us determine where we might find a "brother", we request city/country/state or province/ a phone area code where appropriate.

3. Responses can be age-based. Please include your birthdate (we also maintain a list to exchange greetings) or at least your current age.

4. Please tell us if your wife is aware of your current orientation or if your are in the process of telling her, If the latter is appropriate, try to remember that we rarely do things without a time table - we don't need that, you do.

5. Please include a paragraph telling us where you are today that can be sent to the membership in your welcoming letter, 3 - 5 sentences which may includes your intention or how you outted/got outted; length of marriage; age of spouse; your feelings; family situation ( # of kids, ages); if out, how open is your closet door. (This introductory bio can be as comprehensive as you wish, just remember that what you say is how the members will respond.)

6. Within 2 - 4 weeks we require a longer biography (and we will send samples), length and detail to be determined by you, based on the theory that the more we know about you, the better we can tailor our experiences to help you on you potentially bumpy road, This will be placed in our archives for other members to access in order to help each other. (Access to bios requires a list membership number which is only assigned when you submit your own bio.)

I don't want to over-emphasize the importance of letting the Moderator know about your name and whether it can be released to the membership. Each of us deserves the right to determine who and when our private lives become known. To repeat, you may request you last name be withheld from the group, or you may write with your real name and ask to use an alias online.

Please just don't ask for no last name being used if it appears in your email address from your serve - Yahoo is notorious for this.

If we are what you are looking for to regain self-authenticity, please understand that we are ready to help I hope we hear back from you. Please send the information to frazer.jones@gmail.com

Larry Craig's Wife: From the Down Low to In The Know

Larry Craig and other men have sex with men without telling their wives are living on the Down Low (DL).

These Straight Guise are not inclined to tell their female partners about their sexual behavior, of course, because they are concerned they will lose the one person they love most. Women often say that men keeping their sexual desires and behaviors a secret is an example that they’re not in love anymore. But the opposite is often true—because a man cares so strongly for his wife, he wants to protect her feelings. This is not very comforting for the spouse who feels (and has been) betrayed. For a woman, her self-worth, sexual and mental health all suffer.

Discretion versus Disclosure

What should the female partner do upon learning this information? It is easy to label the Straight Guise as gay and/or bisexual and for him to do so himself, but the truth might be that he is neither. Understanding this can help save marriages and increase understanding, compassion and empathy for one another.

If he is gay then telling his wife and being honest with himself can begin the healing for them both.

When Straight Guise come out of his closet the straight spouses go immediately in. She often blames herself for her male partner’s wanderings and needs help to avoid drawing the conclusion that there was something wrong with the marriage. It may or may not have something to do with problems in the marriage but the majority of the reason is about the man himself.

Most extramarital affairs, whether the couple is straight or gay, result from one or both partners’ inability to achieve and keep intimacy. While these factors affect many heterosexual marriages, the Straight Guise’s predominant motive for “straying” is to find his true identity and reveal it to himself. Straight Guise typically cheat or act out because they’re repressing part of themselves. Their conflict is about their “identity,” not about their ability to love and bond with their partner. It is not the result of marital problems.

Typically the female spouse feels as though she did something to cause her husband to seek out affairs with men. As readily as she claims total responsibility for the state of her marriage, her male partner is willing to blame her as well, often claiming that she wasn’t responsive to his needs. Once both partners understand that the acting out is probably about issues of identity, not dissatisfaction; and once the man begins treating his female partner as a partner rather than as an adversary, they can begin to resolve their relationship.