When your spouse announces he is gay

It has always been my stance that mixed orientation marriages do not have to seperate. This article supports that.

When your spouse announces he is gay

By Robert DiGiacomo

(LifeWire) -- When her husband of more than a decade revealed he was gay, Anna Marie Will was surprised -- but not shocked.

Jim and Anna Marie Will decided to stay together after he announced he was gay.

Her husband, Jim, had never fit her stereotypical idea of the sports-loving, macho, straight guy, and the two had even gone to gay bars with a friend who was gay. But that didn't mean she was prepared for the news.

"Neither one of us had a clue -- he didn't know what being gay meant for him. ... He needed to figure that out," recalls Anna Marie Will, of Sacramento, California. "I needed to figure out what his being gay meant for me, and whether I could incorporate that into my life and my marriage."
What they did know was that they believed in their marriage and wanted to make it work. Jim Will's revelation in 2001 began a three-year process during which they sorted out their feelings for each other. Ultimately, the couple, whose daughter turns 15 in March, decided to stay together.

"He had to learn to talk to me -- he had spent so many years not saying what was really on his mind, and not dealing with his true feelings," says Anna Marie Will, now 39, a worker's compensation program administrator. "We found out once we got past all that, our marriage was so much better. We still loved each other as people and partners."

Although Jim Will, 39, a secretary, had known on some level about his true orientation since he was 5, he didn't want to lose his deep bond with Anna Marie, whom he first befriended when they were in high school.

"When we married, and now still, we feel that we could spend the rest of our lives together," he says. "We want to be together."

The Wills' commitment to making their mixed-orientation marriage work over the long haul is more the exception for couples in this situation.

Nearly all couples decide to end their marriage by the third year of a spouse coming out, according to informal research conducted by Amity Pierce Buxton, a founder of and spokeswoman for the Straight Spouse Network, a support group that claims to reach about 7,000 spouses.

Even if the union is likely to end because one spouse is gay or lesbian, Buxton and her group try to help couples resolve their feelings in as positive a manner as possible.

The straight spouse is likely to feel that his or her sexual orientation has been rejected, says Buxton, whose first marriage ended in the early '80s after her husband came out. The straight spouse often also feels deceived and questions his or her beliefs about gender, as well as assumptions about the relationship: Wasn't I enough of a woman to keep him from straying? Wasn't I man enough to keep her from "turning"?

"After the initial shock, they gradually get to face the reality of the changes," says Buxton, author of "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families."

"Once they realize they can't go back, only then can they start ... deciding what's best for them."
What Should You Tell the Kids?

Mixed-orientation couples like the Wills who also are parents must figure out what -- if anything -- to tell the kids about their relationship.

If the gay or lesbian spouse is not planning to act on his or her orientation, it may not be necessary to explain the situation at all, according to Shara Sand, a clinical assistant professor of psychology at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, Albert Einstein College of Medicine, at Yeshiva University.

For couples who agree on an open relationship, they may feel they have to broach the subject with their child. But Sand believes it's not advisable to do so before he or she reaches age 10, or the point at which they are capable of understanding abstract concepts.

"I might say something like, 'Mom and Dad still love each other very much... but we have a need to be close to other people. Some people have relationship where it's okay to live with someone and also be close to other people'," Sand suggests.

At no time should the couple discuss their sex life with their kids.

"I do think we've become a little boundary-less," Sand says. "I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for children to be led into the intimate part of their parents' relationship ever. Even if you have an open marriage, and you go out swinging, it's not something you necessarily tell your children."

One thing's familiar -- compromise

The Wills didn't talk much about their situation for about three months while Anna Marie Will began to come to terms with it. Then they started a series of discussions about the future of their relationship -- talks that were helped when she consulted the Straight Spouse Network and Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. The Wills set aside a time each week to discuss their feelings, rather than have the issue dominate their daily lives.

Eventually, they decided to have an open relationship, in which either could seek companionship from other people, and to continue their marriage on both an emotional and a sexual level.

Nevertheless, Jim identifies himself as gay, not bisexual. Anna Marie is straight.

"Both of us are free to do whatever we choose," Anna Marie Will says. "I haven't strayed beyond the marriage because I'm happy with the marriage in a mental and physical capacity."

Jim Will says he has had encounters with men but has not pursued a full-fledged relationship.
"To this day, I have a very difficult time going out," he says. "It's not cheating because she knows what I'm doing, but something about it is not right for me, and then the experience doesn't seem worth it.

"I feel like I need to find the balance somehow of living both sides," he says.

The Wills' relationship, albeit nontraditional, seems to be like most marriages in one respect: It's all about compromise.

"You can't help who you love," Anna Marie Will says. "I can't imagine sharing a sunrise or sunset, or good day or bad day, with anyone else.

"When you find that person, you know that's it."

Says her husband: "Your relationship can be different from everyone else's, and if it works for you in your heart, that's what you do."

Why is it okay for straight women to have a gay fling but not men?

Writer Amy Sohn from New York Magazine writes in her article:

Straight, With an Asterick
It’s acceptable—even a little chic—for straight women to have a gay fling or two. But it’s a whole other story when otherwise straight men do it.

Same-sex experimentation among straight women is trendier than ponchos these days. The L Word is a mainstream hit, and if you go to any nightclub around three in the morning, you’ll see two pink-cheeked girls in a banquette, sucking face, often as their boyfriends watch. Gay experimentation for straight men is becoming more popular, too, even if you don’t see it in a dark corner at Vento.

I remember as a teenager sneaking into a adult film movie theatre in 1979 with my best friend. I recall scenes showing two women kissing and having sex naively thinking that next there would be a scene with two men kissing and having sex. I was a gay teenager so it was my hope that this would be shown. I remember being disappointed and confused as to why they would show two women but not two men.

Now I understand as a psychotherapist that the movies are made for straight men to enjoy, not for women or gay men.

However, today there are still very few porno movies featuring two men unless they are specifically geared toward gay men.

I agree with Sohn when she goes onto explain about straight men who have sex with men:

Those who experiment tend to do it covertly, and often stop short of intercourse. Such men maintain that they are not gay or even bisexual, just sexually progressive. And though in some cases this may just be denial, many say their interest in men comes from their frustration in the role limitations of straight sex.

Sexism and patriarchy block the scenes of two guys going at it in a heterosexual porn movie. And the bottom line is that it won't sell! Straight men will not purchase DVD's with two men inserted having sex with each other.

Or will they?

Could it be that it is women who are blocking the idea of two men being together as much as men?

Sohn reports this in her article:

Jonny, a 32-year-old Web designer, also describes himself as straight, though he’s had several dozen same-sex experiences. “I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay,” he tells me over dinner at Café Orlin as I cough on my tea. “But I like the idea of playing with sex roles and the way I am the object of affection with men, instead of the typical hetero male sexual aggressor.” He says he’s sure he’s straight because he’s always the submissive, he doesn’t find men physically attractive, and “I have 30 gigabytes of porn on my hard drive and it’s all women.” If it weren’t for the several dozen men he’s hooked up with, this might sound more convincing.

He, too, has had bad luck with women when he’s tried to talk about it, except for one woman who listened intently and then had a threesome with him. He sees himself settling down with a woman someday, but she would have to be someone who is okay with bending the rules. “I wouldn’t be happy with a woman who only wanted to play one role.”

I hope that the media coverage of Larry Craig, being on the Downlow and situations like Jim McGreevey will stop forcing men who enjoy having sex with men to have to keep a straight face.

Women need to start asking their male partners about sexual interest and fantasies about being sexual with men. Men need to feel safe to tell women about their sexual interests. Both need to stop being threatened that it will ruin their relationship. Too often it is just a sexual fantasy, interest and/or fetish.

Other times it is about a closeted gay man which of course does threaten the marriage. But, better to know this earlier in the relationship and marriage than down the line with children involved and lives ruined because our society makes it impossible for men to talk about interests in having sex with other men.

Women Who Love Straight Guise

A lot of my work consists of therapy with women in love with men who have sex with men. These can be mixed-orientation marriages where their spouse or partner is a gay or bisexual man or it can be with a women who learns her male partner is fantasizing and/or wants to have sex with other men.

Learning that a man seeks, fantasizes or wants sexual contact with another man does not mean he is gay as this blog explores the numerous other possibilities that exist. It does not mean the marriage has to end.

To see me talking about these couples click below:

How prevalent are Straight Guise?

Consider these facts:

• According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than 3 million women are involved with men who secretly have sex with other men.
• The Straight Spouse Network, a national organization with support groups for mixed orientation couples, estimates that at least 2 million gay/bisexual people are married to straight partners.(This figure also includes men married to lesbians.)
• According to the Family Pride Coalition, 20 percent of all gay men in America are in heterosexual marriages.
  

Plus, a recent New York City survey found nearly one in 10 men say they're straight and have sex only with other men. They also found that 70 percent of these straight-identified men having sex with men are married. In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported same-sex behavior during the past year.

Some of the findings include:

• Straight-identified men who have sex with men reported fewer sex partners than gay men.
• Straight-identified men who have sex with men reported fewer STD's in the past year than gay men.
• Straight-identified men who have sex with men are less likely than gay men to report using a condom during their last sexual encounter.
• Straight-identified men who have sex with men are more likely to be foreign-born than gay men.

The survey shows that a man who says he’s straight but is having sex with other men is more likely to be married than a straight man who has sex with women, according to the survey. Only 54 percent of the men who say they're straight and have sex with women are married, compared with the 70 percent marriage rate among the men who say they're straight but have sex with men. This is different than gay-identified men who are heterosexually married in what I call the “New Mixed Marriage” —when one partner is straight and the other is gay

What is Straight Guise?

In this blog, I’ll explain the concept of SMSM (straight men who have sex with men). This term derives from the growing body of literature showing evidence that not all men who have sex with men—even obligatory homosexual sex—are gay. It struck such a chord that even Oprah addressed the issue when she interviewed J.L. King who originally exposed this lifestyle in the black community with his breakout bestseller, On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of “Straight” Black Men Who Sleep with Men and Beyond the Down Low: Sex, Lies, and Denial in Black America by Keith Boyken. Straight Guise takes King’s book several steps farther. Both books talk about this phenomenon among African-American men however the truth is that it exists amongst all races, ethnicities, religions and socio-economic classes.

Straight Guise will explore the many reasons men have sex with other men, only some of which have anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

Many types of men engage in same-sex relationships, for a variety of reasons, which I will identify for the reader. A few of them are:

1. Openly Gay: These are men with homosexual orientations and preferences, who are romantically and sexually aroused by other men. When engaging in sexual activity with men, they feel affirmed and positive.

2. Closeted homosexual: These are homosexually oriented men who are sexually attracted to other men but are ashamed of their feelings and repress their urges to enjoy their fantasies and behaviors—knowing it could lead to romance and love. When they engage in same-sex behavior, they feel ashamed.

3. Hetero-Emotional and Homo-Sexual Men: These are men who are romantically attracted to the opposite sex and are usually heterosexually married and can be sexual with women they love but they are predominately aroused and driven sexually by desire for sex with other men.

4. Bisexual: These are men with combined heterosexual and homosexual orientations and preferences who are sexually—and often romantically—aroused and desire both genders. When they fantasize or act out on these urges, they too feel affirmed and positive.

5. Homosexual Imprinting: These are men acting out early childhood sexual abuse. These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire nor are they aroused by other men. However, they compulsively re-enact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. This has nothing to do with their sexual and romantic identities.

If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep “returning to the scene of the crime” to defuse and desensitize his emotional pain. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the “homosexual” behavior he’s re-enacting ceases. This isn’t about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.

6. Men who are sex workers/male escorts: These heterosexual men engage in sexual behavior with other men by choice for the financial reward and lack desire for the other men and are aroused by the behavior not the man.

7. Men seeking intensely arousing but shameful experiences (dildo sex, bondage): These are heterosexual men who are strongly compelled and interested in various sexual experiences and preferences that would often be labeled as homosexual. To avoid being identified in this way by females, they seek out men, whom they perceive as non-judgmental.

8. First Sexual Experience: Sometimes heterosexual males experiment with other males sexually, usually in adolescence and/or young adulthood (up to age 25) for the experience and curiosity.

9. Availability/Opportunity: These straight men have high sex drives and are sexually aroused easily. They connect with men for physical sexual release, which can be quick and easy, avoiding having to emotionally engage.

10. Father Hunger: These are heterosexual men who crave affection and attention from their fathers and seek sex with men as a way of getting that male nurturance and acceptance.

11. Narcissism: These are straight men who are self-absorbed and have a constant need for attention and acceptance; they use sexuality with men to be worshipped and adored.

12. Sexual Addiction: “Gay” behavior can be the result of sexual addiction. I’ll clarify what sexual addiction is—and isn’t—and explore its defining signs and symptoms. But even a "cured" sex addict will still feel attracted to men, as do celibate gay priests.

13. Cuckolds: These are men who enjoy fantasies of--or the reality of--their wives and girlfriends having sex with other men either in front of them, nearby or with their knowledge about when and where it occurs. They’re often sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their wives are being pleased by another male whom they see as more potent and better endowed. Other men enjoy being sexual with other men's wives in front of the husband or at least with their knowledge. Sometimes they engage in sexual behavior with the man but only in the presence of the wife or girlfriend.

14. Exhibitionists: These are men who enjoy being looked at by both men and women as long as they are being admired for their bodies. Many are body builders and muscular and enjoy the homo-erotic attention of gay men and might even flirt with gay men to encourage more admiration.

15. Sex in Prison: These are men who are imprisoned who engage in same sex behavior. Their need for sexual release with another person occurs with men as they are available. Once released from prison they no longer engage in sexual behavior with men.

16. Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (HOCD): This is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in which the individual is preoccupied about being homosexual when, in fact, they are heterosexual. They experience intrusive thoughts that they might be homosexual and feel compelled to engage in certain behaviors that make them think they are gay when in truth they are straight.

I’ll also address the controversial concept of reparative therapy (RT), which is based on the notion that gay or lesbian behavior is due solely to childhood trauma or gender confusion. RT does not believe there is anything positive about homosexuality and believes sexual orientation change is possible. Trying to change one’s orientation is harmful and impossible. In fact, RT has been widely discredited. I believe that RT isn’t therapy: it instills self-hate in gays and lesbians and is covert cultural sexual abuse. Every mental health institution and accrediting organizations have deemed it unethical.

Written from my perspective as a gay psychotherapist who has counseled thousands of sexually confused men over the years, Straight Guise shows how this phenomenon goes well beyond the African American community. Not a week goes by when I don’t receive distressed emails or phone calls from men who worry they might be gay and either are or are not and wives who have discovered their husbands engaged in gay hookups and relationships or exploring gay porn.

If there are any success stories by someone practicing RT or helping someone stop same sex attractions, the individual was not gay from the start. In other words those who state they have helped someone go from gay to straight or be relieved or same sex attraction are simply describing someone who is heterosexual who may have been acting out homosexual behavior having nothing to do with their sexual orientation.

The harm of groups which attempt to change sexual orientation are well documented in two excellent films, Fish Can't Fly and One Nation Under God.

I intend to help readers just as I have helped my clients, first by separating the two types of men in the world: There are men who are gay and bisexual and then there are heterosexual men who seek out sex with other men. The difference is one of sexual preference versus sexual identity.