Monday, July 21, 2008

Bisexual Sex Addicts: A Typical Story

Here is a good clinical example by another therapist of how non-gay men who have sex with men can be the result of sexual addiction and be driven by father hunger.

The author is Jerry Goodman. I know him through SASH (Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health) which is an organization for sexual addiction and compulsivity.

Jerry has been an LCSW (Licensed Certified Social Worker) psychotherapist for approximately 30 years, the last 18 of which he has specialized in treating male sex addicts. In the early 90’s, with his wife, Margaret, he developed the Counseling Affiliates Sexual Addiction Treatment Program in Houston. In 1991 Jerry took one of Patrick Carnes' early sexual addition training intensives for therapists and continued to follow Carnes’ literature, lectures, workshops and personal counsel. Finally when professional certification became available, he obtained the Certified Sex Addiction Therapist certification (CSAT) in 2001. The following year he received the Supervisor/Consultant Certification for assisting other therapists in obtaining the CSAT. Jerry draws not only on his years of training and professional experience but also on his years of personal recovery

Sex addiction help
Houston Counseling Affiliates

2620 Fountainview, Ste. 250
Houston, TX 77057

Here is a case example that involves MSM.

A Story about Bisexual Sexual Addiction

The following are excerpts:

It was unanimously decided that he was not a repressed homosexual but that he
had long been addicted to sexualized re-enactment of his childhood trauma with
his father which had prevented him from completing some of his psychic
development, leaving him in doubt of his masculinity. This was part of the
anxiety and inner turmoil that he had acted out over and over. He was told that
the neurologically programmed addictive response would probably stay with him
but that with the willingness to work a strong recovery program and to do some
significant psychological work, he would be able to control the addiction rather
than the addiction controlling him, allowing him to have the life he and Laura
wanted. Laura also learned that she needed to participate in a recovery program
and to do psychological work to help her with the effects Manuel’s problem had
had on her and to resolve her own issues which she learned had played a part in
unconsciously attracting her to Manuel.

Later in the article the therapist writes:

"These patterns are clear evidence of sexual addiction despite the unavoidable
presence of cultural influence which probably accounted for the sexual identity
doubt expressed to Carlos when he said he had wondered if he was gay. Ultimately
the professional treatment ruled out repressed homosexuality, and even prior to
that there was a good indication of a heterosexual identity in that he felt
genuine love, which could be assumed included romantic and sexual love, for

And finally he ends with this:

No doubt Manuel will have an attraction to males his whole life that was set in
motion as a child by the rejection and criticism from his father. In a sense the
rejection by his primary masculine role model prevented him from developing a
secure concept of himself as male. Therefore, the attraction to males probably
has an element of unconscious searching for unfulfilled fathering and
symbolically taking into his psyche the masculinity he had partially distanced
himself from in childhood in reaction to his father's harshness. This “quest,”
like all other patterns of experience that occurred in his psychological
development were neurologically programmed as part of his psychic “map” or
template, and therefore a permanent part of him.

For the entire case example click here


Anonymous said...

Another example of gay men dictating which box we should all be fit into. For years the gay community would not even acknowledge that bisexuality really existed. Now the story is changing. What you do not realize is that you have done some much damage in many families. Perhaps it is time to stop trying to control everyone elses life and begin to work on controlling the gay extremists who refuse to allow people to live their lives as they wish.

Joe Kort said...

Hi Annonymous,

What do you mean? Can you explain more this is confusing?

As I see it gays were forced into a box initially of heterosexuality. Then there was a period of time in the 1970's and 80's where you are right they responded strongly saying they wanted out of that heterosexist box and that everyone who had same sex feelings must be gay and nothing else. But I see that as a response to having been forced into a heterosexist box.

Why blame gays?

Why not see it as a terrible response from heterosexism?

Hopefully Straight Guise and other resources like it will allow men to identify their own sexuality and not be dictated to by anyone.

Anonymous said...

I agree. What I am saying is that I grew up in the 70's and 80's and struggled with SSA. It was not acceptable to say anything but you were gay if you had such feelings. Today we still have people going around trying to out others simply because they get wind that someone has had same-sex experiences. These gay activists show no respect for others and only use public media to sensationalize their own cause.
You are right the pendulum swings both ways. Too much heterosexism probably did lead to a swing into homosexism in the late 80's and 90's. These are the extremes that I am talking about. Today they have become very powerful and show little respect for others who do not see the world as they do. Everyone does not have to identify as hetersexual but the lack of respect for others that I have seen by some on XGW and other progay sites should not be tolerated by those who are more moderate in their thinking. Same-sex feelings do not equate to a gay identity as many agenda driven individuals would like us to believe.

Stranger said...

Joe, I have to say I'm impressed with you, confused with you, and have a passion that you hear something I think you are missing. Yet, I think if you get it--what I see you on the verge on--it will be great.

I'll explain. This is another interesting article. As a man who has been confused about sexuality due to abuse and has done his own research into pro gay thought, bi sexual thought, and the change theory--I find myself confused after reading this about what your beliefs really are. I'm not sure but I almost get the sense you just stop short of seeing men using sex as a cover up of deeper emotional needs and wounds here. I wonder why you don't step up and say it?

In my own "seeking", I've experienced and well know the nasty demon I know you want to upchuck when you hear :-) repairative therapy.

But hear me out for a sec: you suggest and this article suggests father hunger and sexual abuse behind some straight men's drive to sex, even sexual addiction. That's what repairative therapy believes and tries to give men experience in receiving strength in father hunger, healthy male touch and bonding verses covering that up with sex.

I'm not saying repairative therapy works. I don't know. I'm not saying its right or wrong. I'm not saying you are promoting that. What I am saying in that approaching that avenue I never received any other message then you are giving right here by sharing this article.

For me, the gay culture gave me no other option in my confusion except to tell me I'm gay and lying to myself if I don't accept that.

Its weird and scary in this fluctating spectrum that we know little about, that I'm still not sure where I'll end up.

But I will say what you are not:
Men if you sense father hunger, sexual abuse or any reason that pulls at your conscious that says your male sexual activity is based in emotional needs that could potentially be met in healthier ways...then go for it! There are men and relationships out there where you can meet that need and you don't have to use another person or use sex as a cover.

Joe, you are the only gay therapist I've heard of that has the balls to even say what you are saying now. I just encourage you to step up further and be open to the possibility that some of the theory in that dread repairative therapy may be closer to your own then you ever thought dude.

Anonymous said...

You are right. Gay psychology never did sit very well with me. Reparative theory made a lot of sense to me, but it never seems to give me the kind of peace I was searching for. There were always lingering doubts because of the messages coming from the gay therapists saying that you cannot change and that you have to accept that you were born that way. Well, to my joy I am now learning this is not at all true for all men and that there are many reasons why one may be attracted to their same gender and a continuum of attraction levels. The science has not as of yet confirmed that one can change ones orientation, but I am extremely happy to find that I can find peace in meaningful, healthy relationships with other men that are non- sexual in nature. As I have changed my behaviour my emotions and feelings have changed. That is so much more affirming than the old messages being presented by gay activist who were trying to justify their own position.
Joe your ideas are on the right tract, but still incomplete.

Joe Kort said...

How are they incomplete? I am asking as a real question not being defensive? What is incomplete about what I am saying in this blog?

Warmly, Joe

Anonymous said...

There is always incompleteness when a debate like this continues and that is necessary. When we think the answers we have found for ourselves fit everyone else's experience we are building our own boxes that will eventually trap us. Not all men who have same gender attractions see them as a positive thing for them and convincing them that they should be is not helping them find fullness in there live. I do not see same-gender attraction as a negative thing anymore, but for me at least any kind of same gender sexual activity is damaging to my relationship with men in general. The APA can claim all it wants that this is not disordered, but for many it is extremely destructive to the experience of a fulfilling life. That to me is the part that has been ignored and even pushed down by those who insist that it is perfectly acceptable to practice same sex behaviour. I am not being judgemental here. If you want to live your life in a certain way that is your business, but for those who want to claim that someone who is SGA will not find happiness unless they give into that temptation that is unacceptable, and yet I have seen it pushed time and time again by some gay activists. Joe, I see much more openness in your views than I see in some others, but it is still coming from your own personal perspective and that may be fine for you and others you associate with, but it is not for everyone.

Joe Kort said...


I agree with everything you say that is why I am puzzled that anyone would say I am trying to put anyone in a box. I am simply saying that from my practice, supervising other therapists with these type of men and from those who email me from this blog and website that there is *no* category and that there can be straight men who engage in sex with other men who are not gay.

In fact I have worked with--and will continue to do so--men of homosexuality orientation who do not wish to live as a gay man. They have same sex attractions but do not want to live that way and for them living as a gay man would be detrimental. So I agree wholeheartedly with you.

But the jist of this site is about straight men who engage in sexual contact with other men but do *not* have same sex attractions. Again they are not attracted to men but the sexual act that the man provides.

To be reductionistic about any of this would be closing out opportunities for help for those who do not fit into any category. I am simply trying to take things a few steps further.

I appreciate very much your thoughts as they help me clarify what I am trying to say.

And I do see that I have to realize that with anything around sexuality it will always be incomplete and limited as there are far to many reasons and desires that exist for both men and women! :)

Warmly, Joe

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the clarification. I do believe we are on much the same page, but perhaps reading things slightly differently in terms of what SGA attractions mean to different people.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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