Husband to his wife: "Let's talk about sexual fantasies to spice up our sex lives."
Wife to husband: "Okay you go first."
Husband: "I have a fantasy of watching you have sex with a younger guy pleasing you until you scream in ecstasy."
Wife: (Angrily) "How could you think like that? Don't you have more respect for me?"
Husband: "It is not about disrespect it is just a fantasy. Even if we make it a reality it would not make me disrespect you it is just sex to me."
Wife: "Well I am no longer in the mood and I never want to hear hear you say that again."
I am not suggesting that women (or men) should be coerced or forced to have open relationships or do things that are against their will and humiliating. However, what I am saying is that spouses need to be able to talk about their sexual fantasies and desires without judgment and contempt and criticism.
Without being able to talk about this openly--especially for men--they are likely to be sneaky about getting their needs met another way through pornography, the internet, or another person.
Sexual discussions need to happen to keep a couple's sex lives going.
As a therapist I hear over and over from heterosexual men that they talk to their wives about sexual fantasies and desires only to be shamed, judged and silenced. Some of it is their own shame and embarrassment about their sexual desires and so many more are about women not being open to hearing their mate's sexuality.
Why is this?
Some marital experts say that for marriage to work in today's times men need to catch up emotionally to where their wives are. In other words, men are behind in learning emotional expression and language.
I agree with this.
However, as much as men need to catch up emotionally, women need to catch up sexually. It isn't fair for a spouse, (male or female) to say, "I won't engage in that sexual fantasy or act with you and you better not get it anywhere else!"
I understand that for many women society, religion, sexism, patriarchy and other factors have caused them to be sexually shut down, stunted and closeted to themselves. I say it is time for that to change and women to claim their sexuality with their male partners along side them and even with their male partners help.
Men need to allow for women's help to learn about attachment and emotionality as do women need to learn from men about sex and sexuality.
What do you think as readers?
Here is something to listen to on this very topic for men and women.