STAGES OF BISEXUAL IDENTITY

For most bisexuals, there are at least four steps or stages to fully acknowledging and becoming comfortable with their identities as bisexuals.

Confusion over sexual orientation.
Most bisexual people start out feeling very confused about their attraction towards people of both sexes, questioning their own reality, and wondering "Is something wrong with me?" Some spend their entire lives in this stage, hiding their sexual orientation, feeling isolated and alone with the inner turmoil over their dual attractions.

Many go through life identifying as straight or gay/lesbian in order to be accepted and make sense of their sexual orientation. Because their own experience does not conform to either community, they feel intense external pressure to choose one and identify with it. Without any language to frame their own reality, and no visible role models or community available to them, bisexual people must have sufficient self-confidence and belief in their own identity in order to eventually transcend this stage.

Discovery of the bisexual label and choosing to identify as bisexual.
Almost all bisexual people acknowledge that discovering the label "bisexual" was pivotal in understanding and accepting their sexual orientation. Most experience extreme relief when they hear the word "bisexual" for the first time, because they finally have a word that mirrors their experience and feelings.

For some, the negative stereotypes of bisexuals as "promiscuous" "fence sitters," neurotic, or vectors of AIDS prevent them from identifying with the label or claiming it for themselves, but most agree that it comes closer than any other language to describing their lives. Instead of rejecting the label, many bisexuals invent their own definition and create bisexual lifestyles that fit their individual lives.

Settling into and maintaining a bisexual identity.
For many bisexual people, this step is the most difficult. Intellectually, they feel good about being bisexual, but emotionally, they experience extreme conflict living in the real world as bisexual. Often scorned by family and friends and rejected by spouses or potential partners for being bisexual, they find that to develop and maintain a bisexual identity requires inner strength, self-reliance, confidence, and independence. Many overcome these obstacles by forming their own community, finding accepting friends and lovers, and staying out of the closet despite the consequences.

Transforming adversity.
For most bisexuals, coming out and staying out of the closet is an on-going process which must be repeated with every new social situation, workplace, friend, and lover. Many see this process as the most important form of political action, creating visible role models and a cohesive bisexual community. Because most bisexuals have suffered through the first three stages alone and in silence, they want to make it easier for other bisexuals to recognize and embrace their sexual orientation without years of inner turmoil and loneliness.

Many also get involved in bisexual political organizations as a way to increase bisexual visibility and promote bisexuality as a viable identity. Just as gay men and lesbians were only able to win some rights through fighting in both the social and political arenas, bisexuals will only win political and human rights through coming out of the closet and developing political clout.

What does this mean for you?

Does any of this sound familiar?

Are you struggling with ambivalence or confusion over your sexual orientation?

Or are you ready to embrace a bisexual orientation?

Are you seeking community to share your developing identity with others?

If so, reach out for support now. Check out one of the many bisexual and questioning support groups listed in this blog, to find a safe place to express your feelings and meet others who are going through similar experiences.

One-to-one counseling or therapy can also be helpful in sorting out feelings and gaining clarity and self – confidence. Be careful to seek out a non – judgmental therapist who is supportive of bisexuality and has expertise in bisexual issues.

And joining bisexual social or political groups is also a great way to see visible role models and to allow your bisexual identity to evolve in a way that fits you. And last, but certainly not least, there are now many excellent books on bisexuality, which help you understand and fully embrace your sexual orientation. - Dr Elna McIntosh, Health24 sexologist)

RESOURCE:

Bisexual.org


BOOK:

The Bisexual Option by Fritz Klein

Bisexuality

Here is an email I received by a blog reader who has given me permission to publish his email to which I respond:

While I appreciate the discussion you've created on this list and on your Blog I do think that your website does also feed into a didactic viewpoint of one much either be Gay or Straight -- while you have injected the word bisexual or bisexuality in a few places, largely the content on your site seems to reflect a very either/or mentality which I think also inhibits men from understanding and accepting what their choices are beyond gay or straight. I think is most pronounced when we talk about men who are married who continue to have enjoyable and fulfilling sex with their wives also desire to have sex with men. It seems that almost everything is placed in terms of gay or homosexuality -- you don't frame this as bi or bisexuality, nor does this seem to be a viable option in your discussions, it doesn' t seem to come up.

By using dualistic terminology places in an individual into an immediate state of conflict -- of having to choose one over the other.

So I would say that I would like to see more discussions about bisexual identity as a third option -- to me, this is not the same as being gay -- and while that identity does also have its share of societal trials and tribulations -- the statistics show that in sexual identity mixed marriages, where the husband comes out during the marriage -- that in those marriages in which the husband identifies as bisexual there is almost double the success rate than in which the husband identifies as gay.

Makes sense when you think about it -- bi is inclusive of the wife, while gay is exclusive. With all of the issues that arise for a wife when a husband comes out, his identification plays a role in how that drama will play out.
Alexei

I agree wholeheartedly with you Alexei and will be posting more about bisexuality.

Here is some resources for readers to explore:

1. Bisexual.org
2. Books by Fritz Klein
3. Bisexual health: An introduction and model practices for HIV/STI prevention programming
   Sexual health issues affecting bisexuals have been largely ignored and underrepresented in academic and professional literature. Many bisexuals have negative experiences with health care providers, whether it is because they are afraid to come out to their providers or because their providers give them improper or incomplete information on HIV/STI prevention.
   This report serves as an introduction to bisexuality and a model programming guide for HIV/STI prevention.
   Created by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Policy Institute, BiNet USA and the Fenway Institute.