Straight people forming gay relationships and gay sexual contacts

I am noticing more and more that the concept of straight women involved sexually and romantically is gaining popularity. Oprah's March issue of "O" had an article on Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women.

Oprah also did a show on this topic.

The NYT on January 22, 2009 did an article called, What Do Woman Want, By DANIEL BERGNER.

I am currently working on research to validate my findings as well as treatment of straight males who are engaging in sexual behaviors with other males.

Perhaps this is a taboo topic STILL! and it is easier to understand that women are doing this so it is receiving more public exposure.

I am going to make sure that this topic of SMSM's stays in the public eye through this blog. All over Craigslist.com you can find these straight men looking for other men so it does exist and cannot be denied.

What are your thoughts as to why there is so much exposure for straight women involved with other women (SWSW) but not the same is being exposed about straight males involved with other males?

New Audio for men who have sex with men

I have added 2 ***NEW*** products to my www.joekortclasses.com website.

1. First is a teleclass I did for therapists working with heterosexual couples where the male partner is having sex or sexual fantasies with other men. I make the distinction between whether the men are gay, bisexual or straight and how the couple can talk about and understand what this means for the relationship.

Click here to listen to a preview of this audio on straight men who have sex with men in relationship with women and also if you wish to purchase it.

2. Second is a teleclass I did for therapist working with heterosexual couples where the male partner is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I talk about how it manifests within the relationship and the signs and symptoms behaviorally in the male partner as well as treatment recommendations.

Click here to listen to a preview of this audio on male sexual abuse in relationships and also if you wish to purchase it.

Joe Kort talks about Straight Guise on Oprah and Friends Radio

I was interviewed on Oprah and Friends Radio by Dr. Laura Berman on "Better in Bed". The topic was straight men who have sex with men who are not gay or bisexual.

If you would to hear the interview go to Oprah.com and click on Radio and then click on
Dr. Laura Berman. There you click on archives and the show is listed under:

Sexuality and Single Moms on 3/5/09.

As always I like to hear your comments so please feel free to comment as I take each entry very seriously and into account.

I know there have been some readers worried that I am helping deeply closeted men remain in the closet by doing this work because those men fool themselves into thinking they are straight when, in reality, they are gay.

If you read through this blog and the website I talk about the differences between a man who is gay and bisexual and a man who is straight.

Straight Guise is not intended to be for the closeted gay or bisexual man.

The Truth about Ted Haggard

You might remember Ted Haggard, a former evangelical preacher who last year was outed as having homosexual sex with a male prostitute. He entered treatment and was discharged saying he was “completely heterosexual”. News about his has resurfaced as his new documentary is currently airing repeatedly on HBO – "The trials of Ted Haggard."

In his interviews, he states that he believes his sexuality is “complicated” and that he wants to stay married to his wife and does not see himself as gay. He admits to having same-sex attractions but believes he is heterosexual.

Nobody knows the truth about Haggard but Haggard himself!

I don’t know Haggard personally, but I can see how his sexuality might be complicated and that he might not be gay at all. I have treated hundreds of men like Haggard who are not gay and engage in same sex behaviors.

People have a hard time with men who have sex with men and are still
heterosexual.

Why?

Here are just a few reasons people have difficulty with Ted Haggard which I totally understand:

1. Politically

Using the false belief that gays can change stops people from being willing to grant rights and freedoms to gays and lesbians. Lesbians and gays have fought hard to teach that one’s sexual orientation and behaviors cannot be changed.

Politically laws against GLBT use the concept of “you’re making a choice” to block obtaining freedoms like getting legally married, keeping a job and not being a risk of being fired just because you’re gay as well as keeping your house and not being kicked out simply for being gay—all of which can happen still in 2009 in most places around the country.

My problem with all of this media attention around Haggard is the absence of scholarly lesbians and gays and spokesmen who are not given time to talk about these issues. If this were an African-American issue, the media would bring on Black scholars and writers to address the political consequences of what is happening around Haggard's story.

2. The Bible.

Haggard has a history of as a preacher, for condemning gays and urging them to change.

Haggard still feels the Bible is not okay with homosexuality as he said on Larry King live.

But Haggard and others who interpret the Bible about homosexuality are wrong.

Scholar Rabbi Chaim Rapoport wrote a book called, Judaism and Homosexuality: An Authentic Orthodox View. In this book it is written that, “the Torah forbids homosexual activity as such: that much is clear from the testimony of both biblical and post-biblical literature. It does not condemn a homosexual disposition, because the Torah does not speak about what we are, but about what we do”.

Rabbi Rapoport position is clear in his book that the bible only talks of homosexual behavior, not of a gay identity or homosexual disposition. It never addresses those men and women who are oriented solely to a same sex attraction. He argues that while the Bible is against performing homosexual acts it never takes into account that one could be gay and lesbian and therefore expressing their true nature. Given this the Bible, from a contemporary point of view, does not address lesbians and gays.

While Rabbi Rapoport writes that the Torah forbids homosexual activity, he goes onto say that “there does not seem to be, however, any reference in Torah literature to the phenomenon of a ‘homosexual orientation’….”

Given this one cannot use the bible against homosexuality if there was not any room for it to be an identity which, today, we know it is.

For Haggard and men like him, it may not be his identity and so for him, his interpretation of the Bible might be useful. It is not useful for those who are GLBT's.

3. Bisexuality

Why can’t Bisexuality be what is happening for Haggard? Some men like Haggard choose to self-identify as Bisexual because they are sexually attracted to both men and women. Bisexuals will tell you that they are often emotionally more attracted to one gender over another. For others they are equally attracted sexually and romantically to both.

This is a self-identifying term and if he chooses not to lable himself in this way than he has that right. However, as a media figure he has the obligation to ensure that he is not speaking for bisexuals as well as lesbians and gays.

4. Gay Identity

For lesbians and gays, staying closeted was fraught with lying to themselves that they were essentially straight, with simply a “kinky” side or that their sexual interests were just that—sexual—and not about their identity. They now have great remorse over the lost years when they could have lived as openly gay men. The trauma of staying closeted was so painful that it strikes a nerve to learn that it’s possible to go through all that and still be straight.

I understand their strong reactions: The trauma of suppressing their identity is so profound that watching someone like Haggard remind them of their horrors they experienced while being closeted and of all the deprogramming it took them to understand they were truly gay.

We must make room for men and women like Haggard. Whether he is hiding, lying or telling the truth, there needs to be a place for men like him

What there is no place for is his anti-gay rhetoric that lesbians and gays can change, that the bible is against homosexuality and teaching young gays and lesbians that same-sex attractions are bad and wrong. They might be for the Haggard’s of the world, but to those who are truly gay and lesbian they are not!

Haggard's story need not be about attacking him, attacking GLBT's or using this as reasons to hate, discriminate and judge. That is what the Nazi's were all about wasn't it?

This needs to be about understanding and being curious about how complicated sexual behavior and identity can be!

There are many other reasons straight men have sex with men and are not gay which I write about at www.straightguise.com.

Safe Sex

I have not blogged here for a while. I have been busy with some other projects.

I was recently exposed to this commercial for condoms which is both humorous and educational. Men who have sex with men need to be wearing condoms at all times when you do not know each other or have concerned that one of you is not trustworthy in terms of playing safe. It is always safer to wear a condom!!

Studies show that straight men who have sex with men are least likely to wear a condom and use protection because to do so means they would have to anticipate and plan their sexual encounters with another man which would indicate to them they might be gay. If they do it "on the downlow" and it is spontaneous they can then compartmentalize it as if it is not part of their lives.

This is not rational. You should always wear a condom especially when have anal sex as the receptive role in a sexual act (i.e. the partner who is penetrated) . Studies show you are less likely to get HIV from oral sex and being the penetrative role in an anal sexual act.

Sexual Abuse linked to High Risk Sexual Behavior in new study

This article from EdgeBoston.com reviews a study linking sexual abuse to high risk sexual behavior. This is my point repeatedly on Straight Guise which I link heterosexual men to childhood sexual abuse for their engaging in sexual activity with other men.

This paragraph is very important from the study as it relates to Straight Guise

The result is you are not in good shape to be making healthy
decisions."Sexual abuse trauma has other diverse and negative effects on the
interpersonal skills needed to negotiate safe sex. Men with sexual trauma
histories are also more likely to get raped in adulthood or find themselves in
abusive and violent romantic relationships.

__________________________________________________

Men who engage in risky sexual behavior with other men report much higher rates than average of experiencing severe childhood sexual abuse, according to a new study in the November issue of the International Journal of Child Abuse & Neglect.

According to the study, about 20 percent of men who have sex with men are sexually abused as children, a rate similar to that found among heterosexual women. The difference is that 80 percent of gay and bisexual men, compared to 20 percent of heterosexual women, who are sexually abused report experiencing "severe" abuse, often involving violence.

Both men and women who are abused as children tend to engage in what researchers define as "high-risk" behavior as adults, which includes unprotected sexual encounters.This research is based on a 2002 survey of approximately 1,000 gay and bisexual men in San Francisco and extends earlier work conducted in 1996 which surveyed several thousand gay and bisexual men in San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York and Chicago.

The results of the two surveys confirm that approximately 20 percent of gay and bisexual men have a history of childhood sexual abuse. In the more recent study, researchers point to the high prevalence of sex abuse being a major contributing factor to psychosocial conditions that have sustained the HIV epidemic over several decades. In 2002, the HIV rate for men who have sex with men in general was about 26 percent. However, that HIV rate jumped to 34 percent for men who report a history of childhood sexual abuse.

"Thirty-five percent is the HIV rate you find in Sub-Saharan Africa," said Joseph Catania, a professor of public health in the College of Health and Human Sciences at Oregon State University and lead author on the study. Catania has worked in public health for more than 25 years on issues related to infectious diseases and sexual health. "This is a chilling number that shows we must deal with the sexual abuse issue.

"The effects of childhood sexual abuse are pervasive for both men and women. Studies show that abuse victims have more school-related problems as teens, a variety of sexual health problems including teenage pregnancies among girls and high rates of sexually transmitted diseases. People who experience severe trauma may have life-long challenges in relationships, work and health. That sexual abuse increases risk for HIV infection is not surprising, but what has not been well understood is how it contributes to this and other types of health problems. Having a better understanding of how this happens will guide efforts at prevention and treatment.In the recent study, investigators found a subset of men who have been sexually abused that tend to "mentally check-out" during sex, Catania said.

"They experience a severe form of coping that involves disassociating from the present, a form of mentally retreating to a safe place until something awful passes. This happens to people who have experienced other types of trauma as well. From a disease prevention perspective it may be quite debilitating," he said."In addition, we found some of the men with abuse histories use drugs or alcohol excessively when they have sex. The drug and alcohol use is also a means of coping with emotional issues around sexual trauma, but it may also be another means of mentally escaping from the present when it involves sex.

The result is you are not in good shape to be making healthy
decisions."Sexual abuse trauma has other diverse and negative effects on the
interpersonal skills needed to negotiate safe sex. Men with sexual trauma
histories are also more likely to get raped in adulthood or find themselves in
abusive and violent romantic relationships.

In 2002, the HIV rate for men who have sex with men in general was about 26 percent.Catania said the reason both gay and bisexual men and heterosexual women tend to have similar rates of experiencing childhood sexual abuse is that perpetrators are often male authority figures or men who have access to children and are in a position to take advantage of a childhood infatuation or crush.

"During the early stages of sexual development, gay and bisexual youth, just like heterosexual youth, will form emotional attachments in the form of crushes or infatuations on adult authority figures.

The difference is that gay and bisexual youth form these attachments with same gender adults," Catania said. "And adult males are much more likely, by a large margin, to be perpetrators of sexual abuse than are adult women."Based on their findings, the researchers came to three conclusions.

First, the complex challenges faced by men with severe childhood sexual abuse experiences may limit the effectiveness of typical short-term HIV risk reduction programs; more intensive treatment maybe needed.

Secondly, Catania said clinical psychologists and psychiatrists with patients who have sexual abuse histories should routinely consider issues of sexual health; patterns and types of sexual partners may be useful markers for identifying more problematic cases.

Finally, Catania said public service messages directed at removing the stigma of childhood sexual abuse may increase use of health and mental health services."When it comes to HIV and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), current intervention strategies focus on intervening early on before men become infected, which is a significant challenge, or intervening after they have become infected to prevent further spread of the disease to other sex partners," Catania said.

According to Catania, these interventions tend to be brief and very focused. He said this type of intervention does not serve men with histories of sexual abuse since their problems are more pervasive and complex. "There is a lot of social stigma around sexual abuse, particularly for men," he said. "An important next step then is to reduce the stigmatization of men who are confronting these issues and provide them with the help they need."

Researchers from the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies at University of California San Francisco contributed to this study.

A copy of the study can be found at:
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6V7N-4TVY5FX-2&_user=576687&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000029364&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=576687&md5=22f368250ee9c0e2f6783563d0fc9356

About the OSU College of Health and Human Sciences:

Emphasizing a holistic approach to optimal health and disease prevention, researchers focus on nutrition, physical activity, the psychology of aging and improving the health of children and older adults, public policy, access to health care, and maximizing environmentally friendly materials and structures.

Sexual Disorientation: Am I Gay, Bisexual, Straight or Somewhere in Between?

So many men who read Straight Guise tell me that my discussions of straight men who have sex with men ( SMSMs) confuses them because before coming out, gay and bisexual men are often in denial and convince themselves that they are 100% straight.

I even receive e-mails, some of them hostile, from gay men who accuse me of keeping gay and bisexual men closeted by citing the ways in which men might still be straight and have sex with men.

They often write, in effect, “If I had read Straight Guise during the years I was in denial and lying to myself, I’d have felt comfort in thinking I was straight and gone on leading an inauthentic heterosexual life.”

For them, staying closeted was fraught with lying to themselves that they were essentially straight, with simply a “kinky” side or that their sexual interests were just that—sexual—and not about their identity. They now have great remorse over the lost years when they could have lived as openly gay men. The trauma of staying closeted was so painful that it strikes a nerve to learn that it’s possible to go through all that and still be straight.

I understand their strong reactions: The trauma of suppressing their identity is so profound that reading Straight Guise can prompt symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, reminding them of their horrible experiences of being closeted and of all the deprogramming it took them to understand they were truly gay.

To me, that all makes perfect sense: I, too, had to go through the very same coming out and deprogramming process as a gay man during my coming out years!

No doubt, the experiences I address in Straight Guise parallel the experiences that every gay man—and some bisexual men--can relate to. Secrecy, shame, hiding, lying, self-hate and self-blame are the very things straight men who have sex with men present in the therapy room.

Differences Between Gay, Bisexual and Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men

There are major differences between SMSMs and gay and bisexual men. Straight men who admit and come out as having sex with other men are usually not anti-gay or homophobic. They do not tell their therapists or people they trust, “I hate fags!” In fact, they usually have gay friends, support and affirm lesbians and gays they know and the gay civil rights movement in general.. They’ve often have read books on coming-out process to see if they are going through that process themselves and to understand what it is to live as a gay man.

Whatever shame and self-hatred these SMSMs are coping with does not arise from homophobia, but from their acting on impulses that are incongruent with their heterosexual orientation.

In other words, they are experiencing something like an addiction, a mood disorder, a chemical disorder or some other compulsion that causes them to go against their own will, repeatedly, and is interfering with their life. They cannot accept it, not out of denial regarding their true identity, but because it is not their true nature the way it would be if one were truly gay or bisexual.

True, some SMSMs are anti-gay and homophobic, straining their masculine muscles to ward off any trait that may appear gay or effeminate. This, too, parallels the dynamic gay men display who resist their homosexual identity and so “protest too much” to attempt to disown that there is anything gay about them. But these are not the SMSM’s who seek treatment and who I write about on the Straight Guise website and blog.

Another difference is that gay and bisexual men recall having sexual interests and crushes on other males during their childhoods, teen years and even in college. Heterosexual men who have sex with men do not have these type of memories. They might have memories of having sexual experiences with other males—some of which are a result of sexual abuse—but it is not erotic for them as is their recall of interest in females once they hit puberty. For them they have always been sexually and romantically interested and aroused by women. Their sexual behavior with other men is episodic, situational, spontaneous and momentary. For gay and bisexual men, the sexual desire is enduring and is connected to a romantic, affectional and psychological desire to connect with another man.

How do I know if I’m one of the SMSMs,
or if I’m truly gay or bisexual and in the closet?

I can’t know for sure what is true or right for you. Only you will discover that as you read and experience things related to sexuality. But I can tell you some things that I’ve learned from my 24 years of treating men and their sexuality issues:

1. Gay men enter the coming out process and recognize their identity not
when they have sex with other men but when they fall in love with other men. Men
can rationalize that their sexual behavior is a bit “kinky” or different but
when he begins to feel romantic desire for another male—in addition to sexual
desire--he then has to consider it is more than just about sex.

2. For
closeted gay men their depression and anxiety arise from being out of integrity
within themselves and from living an inauthentic life related to their identity.
This “out of integrity” dynamic is also true of SMSMs—their behavior goes
against their true orientation—but it is not related to their identity. SMSMs do
not feel compelled to--nor desire to--have a romantic relationship with another
male.

3. No matter how much they read about or investigate the gay
culture, it never feels like a true fit for them. SMSM’s feel a desire only for
the sexual acts with other men. Typically, gay and bisexual men will say they
enjoyed the other guy and whatever they did with him, while the SMSMs enjoy the
sex alone. The other man is irrelevant.

Of course, gay and bisexual men
also have encounters that are only about sex, where the other man is
irrelevant—an insignificant other. It’s also common for heterosexual
men to have sex with women just “to get their rocks off.” The woman is
irrelevant.

But for these gay, bisexual and straight men, that is not always true or
the norm. They will have periods of genuine romantic interest in the person they
hook up with. However, SMSMs never feel any interest in the other male as a
person--only for the sexual act between them. The encounter is strictly sexual, often involving a heightened sexualization of
a certain act, fetish, sexual scene or part of the body.

4. If a man
having sex with other men is authentically gay, his identity will eventually
surface, whether or not he wants it to. When a gay or bisexual man calls me for
therapy and wants to stay closeted and remove any shame or guilt they have about
their homosexuality, I always warn him that the more he talks about his
homosexuality, the harder it will be to keep himself closeted. Ultimately, his coming out process will get activated. He will want to come out and
won’t be able to hold back his identity.

It is reductionistic to assume that having sex with the same gender, in and of itself, makes someone gay or bisexual. That seems to be the worst form of homophobia, contributing to the myth—seized on by reparative therapists and others heterosexists—who define homosexuality as merely sexual behavior.

Being gay or bisexual entails much more than just sex. If a gay or bisexual man never engaged in sexual behavior for the rest of his life, he would still be gay, because that is his identity, not a description of how he behaves.