From the intial posting of what Straight Guise is all about, I talked about how Homosexual Imprinting which is when a male has been sexually abused by another male and acts out homosexually.
The fundamental principle here is that he is reenacting his sexual abuse, not expressing a homosexual identity.
In other words the behavior is homosexual in that it is male on male. However, the sexually abused male is heterosexual. Reparative therapies would lead you to believe that there is "not such thing as homosexuality" and that all homosexual expression is an "acting out".
This is false.
There are men who behave homosexually and are truly gay--romantically, affectinally, spiritually, sexually and psychologically.
Homosexually imprinted men are straight men whose homosexual expression is about behavioral acting out from original trauma.
SEX & LOVE MAPPING
By mapping I mean that one’s love and sexual preference map are determined early on in childhood. It is how we learn how to love. We observe and absorb how others love or neglect or abuse us and that becomes our “love map” according to John Money, a pioneer in the field of sexology.
This map becomes a template for what you seek out for pleasure in your adulthood.
Early in childhood, we’re all imprinted with family beliefs and societal norms. Imprinting is the psychological process by which specific types of behavior are locked in, at an early stage of development. All of us, gay and straight alike, are conditioned to think, feel, and act the way our early childhood caretakers nurture and teach us.
The first important thing to consider is this doesn’t mean the client is gay or even bi. He is simply left with an imprint to re-enact his homosexual abuse and find “pleasure” in what was inflicted on him as a child. In reality, this isn’t pleasure at all, but trauma turned into orgasm.
In the book, Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response by John M. Preble and A. Nicholas Groth they say it best:
“……this may actually reflect an effort at mastery of the traumatic event …..when he was being sexually victimized, someone else was in control of him sexually. During masturbation he is literally in control of himself sexually, and this may be a way in which he attempts to reclaim mastery over his own sexuality. Likewise, his participation in consensual sex reflects his choice and decision.”
The authors go on to say that “the fantasy thoughts are prompted by fear more than desire, by anxiety more than pleasure”. In other words, they become a way of managing the fear and anxiety.
Second, just because the sexual abuse was committed by a male doesn’t mean that it constituted homosexuality. When men sexually abuse girls, we don’t claim it’s about heterosexuality! We say it is simply sexual abuse—which involves power, violation and rape. Nothing about that is related to orientation.
For more information on male survivors of sexual abuse go to MaleSurvivor.org
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
What becomes of the Homophobic?
There is an excellent blog entry on Sexual Intelligence called, "Having Sex with men does NOT Make Larry Craig Gay" by author and sexpert Dr. Marty Klein. He writes about the Larry Craig scandal and says the following:
If Craig could simply say, “I’m straight, I just like to have an occasional sexual adventure with a man,” he might not have to spend his life desperately trying to convince himself that he’s not gay. He might not have to spend his professional career viciously trashing homosexuality and preventing gays from accessing their full civil rights.
He might have a marital crisis on his hands, but that’s his private business. As almost everyone agrees, lying to your spouse about having sex with someone else is immoral, regardless of their gender. Craig’s fears about his “immorality”—and his rantings about others’—were focused on the wrong thing.
I completely agree with Klein.
It isn't just men who are deeply closeted who bash gays and lesbians, it is those who are often hiding something of a sexual nature such as their own affairs, sexual fetishes and fantasies, sexual abuse, and sexual addiction to name just a few examples. Through hating themselves for their own unwanted feelings, desires and beliefs they lash out at others for their "naughty behaviors" as Craig did toward Former President Clinton and opposing gay rights.
Marty Klein is author of the book:
If Craig could simply say, “I’m straight, I just like to have an occasional sexual adventure with a man,” he might not have to spend his life desperately trying to convince himself that he’s not gay. He might not have to spend his professional career viciously trashing homosexuality and preventing gays from accessing their full civil rights.
He might have a marital crisis on his hands, but that’s his private business. As almost everyone agrees, lying to your spouse about having sex with someone else is immoral, regardless of their gender. Craig’s fears about his “immorality”—and his rantings about others’—were focused on the wrong thing.
I completely agree with Klein.
It isn't just men who are deeply closeted who bash gays and lesbians, it is those who are often hiding something of a sexual nature such as their own affairs, sexual fetishes and fantasies, sexual abuse, and sexual addiction to name just a few examples. Through hating themselves for their own unwanted feelings, desires and beliefs they lash out at others for their "naughty behaviors" as Craig did toward Former President Clinton and opposing gay rights.
Marty Klein is author of the book:
Monday, September 3, 2007
Larry King Live on Larry Craig and Sexual Addiction
Larry King's live broadcast Saturday September 1, 2007 featured my colleague Robert Weiss from the Sexual Recovery Institute. Rob authored the book which was stated on the Larry King show, "Cruise Control: Gay Men and Sexual Addiction".
Click here to read the full transcript of the show
The highlights of the show where Rob talks about sexual addiction are:
KING: Why would a United States senator with the problem risk it all in a public men's room?
WEISS: Shame and repression. Here's a guy who may have parts of himself that he doesn't want anyone to know about and he's going to go off on a secret place to act them out and hope that no one's going to find out he may have some compulsive or addictive sexual behaviors. Clearly, there's a part of him he doesn't like and doesn't want anyone else to know about.
KING: What do your patients tell you about the rush they get? What do they get out of this?
WEISS: The rush is about the possibility of getting caught, the excitement, a look in the stall and see who's there and maybe it will happen and maybe it won't. It is like an addictive experience, Larry. Sex addiction is like a gambling addiction -- the guy who gambles his kid's college fund even though he loves his kid. Here's a guy who loved his position, but he went and gambled it all in a sexual act.
Later he says:
WEISS: If I can just take it out of the political for just a second. You asked about feeling sorry for someone. I feel sorry for his wife. I really feel for this woman who stood by this man all these years and she's faced with a reality either that she didn't know about or didn't want to know about or kept to herself. Who does she talk to and turn to?
and
WEISS: Taking it a little bit out of the political, I wonder if he had been arrested for being sexual with a woman if this -- if he would have been abandoned as quickly and early. If he had been with a prostitute or --
WEISS: So if you think it's legal - and I say this to the guys I work with all the time, they say I've been entrapped or this shouldn't have happened to me. Go talk to your congressman and try to make public sex legal. But if it's illegal, the police have a right to prosecute. If I have a kid in the park and I want to take him to the restroom, I don't want to see two guys getting it on in there.
WEISS: Working with so many of the spouses as I do, I often hear that they blame themselves especially at the beginning. If I had been more attractive to him, if I had been more sexual with him and it's such a shameful issue for them to talk about for them and I'm sure for you.
And we know that nothing these wives have done or said could ever make their husband act out in this way.
Click here to read the full transcript of the show
The highlights of the show where Rob talks about sexual addiction are:
KING: Why would a United States senator with the problem risk it all in a public men's room?
WEISS: Shame and repression. Here's a guy who may have parts of himself that he doesn't want anyone to know about and he's going to go off on a secret place to act them out and hope that no one's going to find out he may have some compulsive or addictive sexual behaviors. Clearly, there's a part of him he doesn't like and doesn't want anyone else to know about.
KING: What do your patients tell you about the rush they get? What do they get out of this?
WEISS: The rush is about the possibility of getting caught, the excitement, a look in the stall and see who's there and maybe it will happen and maybe it won't. It is like an addictive experience, Larry. Sex addiction is like a gambling addiction -- the guy who gambles his kid's college fund even though he loves his kid. Here's a guy who loved his position, but he went and gambled it all in a sexual act.
Later he says:
WEISS: If I can just take it out of the political for just a second. You asked about feeling sorry for someone. I feel sorry for his wife. I really feel for this woman who stood by this man all these years and she's faced with a reality either that she didn't know about or didn't want to know about or kept to herself. Who does she talk to and turn to?
and
WEISS: Taking it a little bit out of the political, I wonder if he had been arrested for being sexual with a woman if this -- if he would have been abandoned as quickly and early. If he had been with a prostitute or --
WEISS: So if you think it's legal - and I say this to the guys I work with all the time, they say I've been entrapped or this shouldn't have happened to me. Go talk to your congressman and try to make public sex legal. But if it's illegal, the police have a right to prosecute. If I have a kid in the park and I want to take him to the restroom, I don't want to see two guys getting it on in there.
WEISS: Working with so many of the spouses as I do, I often hear that they blame themselves especially at the beginning. If I had been more attractive to him, if I had been more sexual with him and it's such a shameful issue for them to talk about for them and I'm sure for you.
And we know that nothing these wives have done or said could ever make their husband act out in this way.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Men's Room Sex
Today the NYT Editorial has a great piece on police raids of men's rooms called, 
In 1970, Laud Humphreys published the groundbreaking dissertation he wrote as a doctoral candidate at Washington University called “Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Public Places.” Because of his unorthodox methods — he did not get his subjects’ consent, he tracked down names and addresses through license plate numbers, he interviewed the men in their homes in disguise and under false pretenses — “Tearoom Trade” is now taught as a primary example of unethical social research.
That said, what results! In minute, choreographic detail, Mr. Humphreys (who died in 1988) illustrated that various signals — the foot tapping, the hand waving and the body positioning — are all parts of a delicate ritual of call and answer, an elaborate series of codes that require the proper response for the initiator to continue. Put simply, a straight man would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered.
I would disagree with her last statement that, "a straight men would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered".
Rather, an uninterested man would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered.
I love how the author of this Op-Ed piece ends her story:
...let’s stop being so surprised when we discover that our public figures have their own complex sex lives, and start being more suspicious when they self-righteously denounce the sex lives of others.
AMEN!
In it she writes:
For almost 40 years most police departments have been aware of something that still escapes the general public: men who troll for sex in public places, gay or “not gay,” are, for the most part, upstanding citizens. Arresting them costs a lot and accomplishes little.
(Above is the arresting police officer, Police Sgt. Dave Karsnia)
For almost 40 years most police departments have been aware of something that still escapes the general public: men who troll for sex in public places, gay or “not gay,” are, for the most part, upstanding citizens. Arresting them costs a lot and accomplishes little.
(Above is the arresting police officer, Police Sgt. Dave Karsnia)
In 1970, Laud Humphreys published the groundbreaking dissertation he wrote as a doctoral candidate at Washington University called “Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Public Places.” Because of his unorthodox methods — he did not get his subjects’ consent, he tracked down names and addresses through license plate numbers, he interviewed the men in their homes in disguise and under false pretenses — “Tearoom Trade” is now taught as a primary example of unethical social research.
That said, what results! In minute, choreographic detail, Mr. Humphreys (who died in 1988) illustrated that various signals — the foot tapping, the hand waving and the body positioning — are all parts of a delicate ritual of call and answer, an elaborate series of codes that require the proper response for the initiator to continue. Put simply, a straight man would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered.
I would disagree with her last statement that, "a straight men would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered".
Rather, an uninterested man would be left alone after that first tap or cough or look went unanswered.
I love how the author of this Op-Ed piece ends her story:
...let’s stop being so surprised when we discover that our public figures have their own complex sex lives, and start being more suspicious when they self-righteously denounce the sex lives of others.
AMEN!
Bag-A-Fag: Bathroom Stings
In the Detroit, Michigan area, bathroom stings are quite common in certain rest areas and restrooms. I know this because I receive referrals from an organization here in Detroit called the Triangle Foundation. The Triangle Foundation ensures these men are treated fairly by the law and the police.
The referrals are usually deeply closeted homosexual men who do not self-identify as gay. They are in the early stages of coming out deeply repressed. They are usually married, with children and hold highly prestigious jobs. Others are not gay nor do they desire sex with men. The main reason is for sexual release and lack of judgment during the sexual act. They are not fantasizing or longing for a man the way they would women.
The main reasons are that they are re-enacting early childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse or are interested in certain sexual acts which they are afraid to tell anyone--especially their wives. Others are bisexual and closeted about their homosexual side. Other reasons exist as well which, again, have nothing to do with homosexual orientation.
I have heard repeatedly that the police informally call the operation Bag-a-Fag. This form of prejudice and hatred is repulsive of course. More ignorant to me is that the police force or anyone else believe that these are only gay men in the stalls of these bathrooms.
To the left is the police officer who arrested Sen. Larry Craig. From the tapes played on television he sounded professional and appropriate which is what I would hope would be the case. However my clients tell me over and over that the police officers who arrest them call them homophobic names and deal with them in contempt.
When my straight clients have been caught having public sex they either get a "tap on the car door" or a "flashlight on them on the beach" and told to go somewhere private with the police officer smiling affirmly.
Because these are men having sex with men the belief this is about gay men and it is not.
In the article, So Many Men's Rooms, So Little Time Why men like Larry Craig continue to to court danger in public places. By Christopher Hitchens on Saturday, Sept. 1, 2007 Hitchens starts out well talking about a popular piece of research by Laud Humphrey;
In his study of men who frequent public restrooms in search of sex, Laud Humphreys discovered that 54 percent were married and living with their wives, 38 percent did not consider themselves homosexual or bisexual, and only 14 per cent identified themselves as openly gay. Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Personal Places, a doctoral thesis which was published in 1970, detailed exactly the pattern—of foot-tapping in code, hand-gestures and other tactics—which has lately been garishly publicized at the Minneapolis-St Paul airport men's room. The word "tearoom" seems to have become archaic, but in all other respects the fidelity to tradition is impressive.
The men interviewed by Humphreys wanted what many men want: a sexual encounter that was quick and easy and didn't involve any wining and dining. Some of the heterosexuals among them had also evolved a tactic for dealing with the cognitive dissonance that was involved. They compensated for their conduct by adopting extreme conservative postures in public. Humphreys, a former Episcopalian priest, came up with the phrase "breastplate of righteousness" to describe this mixture of repression and denial. So it is quite thinkable that when Sen. Craig claims not to be gay, he is telling what he honestly believes to be the truth.
But then he moves to this:
However, this still leaves a slight mystery. In the 1960s, homosexuality was illegal in general and gay men were forced to cruise in places where (if I can phrase it like this) every man and boy in the world has to come sometime. Today, anyone wanting a swift male caress can book it online or go to a discreet resort. Yet people still persist in haunting the tearoom, where they risk arrest not for their sexuality but for "disorderly conduct." Why should this be?
He is assuming that gay men are in these stalls after he just cited research that showed that most of the men are not self-identified as gay.
The truth is that these men have numerous reasons why they sexually act out with men.
So to Hitchens and others who have the same question as to why should this be, the reason is that any form of adult male to male affection and male contact other than sports is prohibited. This is not a gay thing, it is a guy thing!
The referrals are usually deeply closeted homosexual men who do not self-identify as gay. They are in the early stages of coming out deeply repressed. They are usually married, with children and hold highly prestigious jobs. Others are not gay nor do they desire sex with men. The main reason is for sexual release and lack of judgment during the sexual act. They are not fantasizing or longing for a man the way they would women.
The main reasons are that they are re-enacting early childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse or are interested in certain sexual acts which they are afraid to tell anyone--especially their wives. Others are bisexual and closeted about their homosexual side. Other reasons exist as well which, again, have nothing to do with homosexual orientation.
I have heard repeatedly that the police informally call the operation Bag-a-Fag. This form of prejudice and hatred is repulsive of course. More ignorant to me is that the police force or anyone else believe that these are only gay men in the stalls of these bathrooms.
To the left is the police officer who arrested Sen. Larry Craig. From the tapes played on television he sounded professional and appropriate which is what I would hope would be the case. However my clients tell me over and over that the police officers who arrest them call them homophobic names and deal with them in contempt.When my straight clients have been caught having public sex they either get a "tap on the car door" or a "flashlight on them on the beach" and told to go somewhere private with the police officer smiling affirmly.
Because these are men having sex with men the belief this is about gay men and it is not.
In the article, So Many Men's Rooms, So Little Time Why men like Larry Craig continue to to court danger in public places. By Christopher Hitchens on Saturday, Sept. 1, 2007 Hitchens starts out well talking about a popular piece of research by Laud Humphrey;
In his study of men who frequent public restrooms in search of sex, Laud Humphreys discovered that 54 percent were married and living with their wives, 38 percent did not consider themselves homosexual or bisexual, and only 14 per cent identified themselves as openly gay. Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Personal Places, a doctoral thesis which was published in 1970, detailed exactly the pattern—of foot-tapping in code, hand-gestures and other tactics—which has lately been garishly publicized at the Minneapolis-St Paul airport men's room. The word "tearoom" seems to have become archaic, but in all other respects the fidelity to tradition is impressive.
The men interviewed by Humphreys wanted what many men want: a sexual encounter that was quick and easy and didn't involve any wining and dining. Some of the heterosexuals among them had also evolved a tactic for dealing with the cognitive dissonance that was involved. They compensated for their conduct by adopting extreme conservative postures in public. Humphreys, a former Episcopalian priest, came up with the phrase "breastplate of righteousness" to describe this mixture of repression and denial. So it is quite thinkable that when Sen. Craig claims not to be gay, he is telling what he honestly believes to be the truth.
But then he moves to this:
However, this still leaves a slight mystery. In the 1960s, homosexuality was illegal in general and gay men were forced to cruise in places where (if I can phrase it like this) every man and boy in the world has to come sometime. Today, anyone wanting a swift male caress can book it online or go to a discreet resort. Yet people still persist in haunting the tearoom, where they risk arrest not for their sexuality but for "disorderly conduct." Why should this be?
He is assuming that gay men are in these stalls after he just cited research that showed that most of the men are not self-identified as gay.
The truth is that these men have numerous reasons why they sexually act out with men.
So to Hitchens and others who have the same question as to why should this be, the reason is that any form of adult male to male affection and male contact other than sports is prohibited. This is not a gay thing, it is a guy thing!
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Larry Craig's Wife: From the Down Low to In The Know
Larry Craig and other men have sex with men without telling their wives are living on the Down Low (DL).
These Straight Guise are not inclined to tell their female partners about their sexual behavior, of course, because they are concerned they will lose the one person they love most. Women often say that men keeping their sexual desires and behaviors a secret is an example that they’re not in love anymore. But the opposite is often true—because a man cares so strongly for his wife, he wants to protect her feelings. This is not very comforting for the spouse who feels (and has been) betrayed. For a woman, her self-worth, sexual and mental health all suffer.
Discretion versus Disclosure
What should the female partner do upon learning this information? It is easy to label the Straight Guise as gay and/or bisexual and for him to do so himself, but the truth might be that he is neither. Understanding this can help save marriages and increase understanding, compassion and empathy for one another.
If he is gay then telling his wife and being honest with himself can begin the healing for them both.
When Straight Guise come out of his closet the straight spouses go immediately in. She often blames herself for her male partner’s wanderings and needs help to avoid drawing the conclusion that there was something wrong with the marriage. It may or may not have something to do with problems in the marriage but the majority of the reason is about the man himself.
Most extramarital affairs, whether the couple is straight or gay, result from one or both partners’ inability to achieve and keep intimacy. While these factors affect many heterosexual marriages, the Straight Guise’s predominant motive for “straying” is to find his true identity and reveal it to himself. Straight Guise typically cheat or act out because they’re repressing part of themselves. Their conflict is about their “identity,” not about their ability to love and bond with their partner. It is not the result of marital problems.
Typically the female spouse feels as though she did something to cause her husband to seek out affairs with men. As readily as she claims total responsibility for the state of her marriage, her male partner is willing to blame her as well, often claiming that she wasn’t responsive to his needs. Once both partners understand that the acting out is probably about issues of identity, not dissatisfaction; and once the man begins treating his female partner as a partner rather than as an adversary, they can begin to resolve their relationship.
These Straight Guise are not inclined to tell their female partners about their sexual behavior, of course, because they are concerned they will lose the one person they love most. Women often say that men keeping their sexual desires and behaviors a secret is an example that they’re not in love anymore. But the opposite is often true—because a man cares so strongly for his wife, he wants to protect her feelings. This is not very comforting for the spouse who feels (and has been) betrayed. For a woman, her self-worth, sexual and mental health all suffer.
Discretion versus Disclosure
What should the female partner do upon learning this information? It is easy to label the Straight Guise as gay and/or bisexual and for him to do so himself, but the truth might be that he is neither. Understanding this can help save marriages and increase understanding, compassion and empathy for one another.
If he is gay then telling his wife and being honest with himself can begin the healing for them both.
When Straight Guise come out of his closet the straight spouses go immediately in. She often blames herself for her male partner’s wanderings and needs help to avoid drawing the conclusion that there was something wrong with the marriage. It may or may not have something to do with problems in the marriage but the majority of the reason is about the man himself.
Most extramarital affairs, whether the couple is straight or gay, result from one or both partners’ inability to achieve and keep intimacy. While these factors affect many heterosexual marriages, the Straight Guise’s predominant motive for “straying” is to find his true identity and reveal it to himself. Straight Guise typically cheat or act out because they’re repressing part of themselves. Their conflict is about their “identity,” not about their ability to love and bond with their partner. It is not the result of marital problems.
Typically the female spouse feels as though she did something to cause her husband to seek out affairs with men. As readily as she claims total responsibility for the state of her marriage, her male partner is willing to blame her as well, often claiming that she wasn’t responsive to his needs. Once both partners understand that the acting out is probably about issues of identity, not dissatisfaction; and once the man begins treating his female partner as a partner rather than as an adversary, they can begin to resolve their relationship.
The Larry Craig Phenomenon: Homosexual but not gay!
An article today by Rick Leggio in the Dallas Voice
Gay? No. Homosexual? Maybe
He is homosexual, by his own guilty plea after being arrested for public loo trolling on June 11, 2007 (Craig’s Waterloo, this scandal’s basis). But being gay requires, at the barest minimum, self-identification and acceptance of a same-sex orientation.
This is what Straight Guise is all about.
Homosexual is a sexual orientation. Gay is an affirmative identity.
Plenty of men--and women for that matter--understand that their sexual orientation is homosexual. However, how they self-identify can be very different.
The reason this is so controversial is twofold. Gay men--such as myself--would never dream of not fulfilling their core authentic selves and they shouldn't.
However, in my practice I see many men and women who understand that they are homosexual and do not want to live as a gay man or lesbian. Who am I or anyone else to tell them they "should" live that way.
For many their religious beliefs, ethnicity, personal values, family ethics are too strong for them to go against. For these folks, living an out gay or lesbian life would mean depression even though most psychology would predict a life of depression not doing so.
But we are talking about two different things--being in the closet and being out. The homosexual men and women I treat who do not want to be self-identified as gay or lesbian are not in the closet. They recognize and accept that they have homosexual urges, feelings and desires and that if they choose to do so they would be gay or lesbian but they choose not to do so.
This is different than reparative therapies or any other program which tells its members they can change from gay to straight--turn their homosexuality into heterosexuality. This is hogwash!
Organizations such as the American Counseling Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the National Association of School Psychologists, and the National Association of Social Workers have all denounced these reparative attempts.
These reparative therapies only lead to a life of depression not because they are suppressing their core selves but because they are being taught to hate and reject who they are at their core and lied to that change is possible.
Living heterosexually and being homosexual is possible as long as shame and self-hate are not part of the equation.
Those reading this would say, "Well, isn't that living in shame if you are homosexual but choose not to live that way?"
Try telling that to the man who is 62, married and loves his wife and does not wish to live a lifestyle of gayness. Or tell that to a women who was raped repeatedly and sexually molested by men throughout her childhood who decides to self-identify as a lesbian even though she knows she is straight.
These folks may, through therapy or other means, come out and work through their issues. But perhaps they won't, don't, or do not wish to?
Historically I would have said yes to this but have treated too many men and women who would suffer living out as gay men and lesbians. They would lose their families, marriages, children, religious groups, jobs, and other factors which for them the stakes are too high and would ruin their lives.
I am not condoning secret lives or living on the downlow.
The answer is not to shame these folks so that like Larry Craig they go to bathrooms or get on the internet and have anonymous sex. The answer is to understand them and help them understand themselves and to make the best decision they can for themselves and for their loved ones.
Politics, personal agendas, religious beliefs, reparative therapy camps aside, people should have the right to self-identify as they wish without putting other sexual and romantic orientations down as a result.
Gay? No. Homosexual? Maybe
He is homosexual, by his own guilty plea after being arrested for public loo trolling on June 11, 2007 (Craig’s Waterloo, this scandal’s basis). But being gay requires, at the barest minimum, self-identification and acceptance of a same-sex orientation.
This is what Straight Guise is all about.
Homosexual is a sexual orientation. Gay is an affirmative identity.
Plenty of men--and women for that matter--understand that their sexual orientation is homosexual. However, how they self-identify can be very different.
The reason this is so controversial is twofold. Gay men--such as myself--would never dream of not fulfilling their core authentic selves and they shouldn't.
However, in my practice I see many men and women who understand that they are homosexual and do not want to live as a gay man or lesbian. Who am I or anyone else to tell them they "should" live that way.
For many their religious beliefs, ethnicity, personal values, family ethics are too strong for them to go against. For these folks, living an out gay or lesbian life would mean depression even though most psychology would predict a life of depression not doing so.
But we are talking about two different things--being in the closet and being out. The homosexual men and women I treat who do not want to be self-identified as gay or lesbian are not in the closet. They recognize and accept that they have homosexual urges, feelings and desires and that if they choose to do so they would be gay or lesbian but they choose not to do so.
This is different than reparative therapies or any other program which tells its members they can change from gay to straight--turn their homosexuality into heterosexuality. This is hogwash!
Organizations such as the American Counseling Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the National Association of School Psychologists, and the National Association of Social Workers have all denounced these reparative attempts.
These reparative therapies only lead to a life of depression not because they are suppressing their core selves but because they are being taught to hate and reject who they are at their core and lied to that change is possible.
Living heterosexually and being homosexual is possible as long as shame and self-hate are not part of the equation.
Those reading this would say, "Well, isn't that living in shame if you are homosexual but choose not to live that way?"
Try telling that to the man who is 62, married and loves his wife and does not wish to live a lifestyle of gayness. Or tell that to a women who was raped repeatedly and sexually molested by men throughout her childhood who decides to self-identify as a lesbian even though she knows she is straight.
These folks may, through therapy or other means, come out and work through their issues. But perhaps they won't, don't, or do not wish to?
Historically I would have said yes to this but have treated too many men and women who would suffer living out as gay men and lesbians. They would lose their families, marriages, children, religious groups, jobs, and other factors which for them the stakes are too high and would ruin their lives.
I am not condoning secret lives or living on the downlow.
The answer is not to shame these folks so that like Larry Craig they go to bathrooms or get on the internet and have anonymous sex. The answer is to understand them and help them understand themselves and to make the best decision they can for themselves and for their loved ones.
Politics, personal agendas, religious beliefs, reparative therapy camps aside, people should have the right to self-identify as they wish without putting other sexual and romantic orientations down as a result.
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