Women Who Love To Watch Gay Male Porn!

I first learned of the phenomenon of women who love to watch gay male porn through couples who entered my office where the women were married to men who had sex with men. For these women it was arousing and erotic to watch two men having sex in porn and even watching her husband with another man.

At first I didn't understand this phenomenon until I put it into context of how straight men love to watch two women and even watch their wives have sex with other women. Then it made sense.

At Gay Affirmative Trainings for professional therapists and students of a class I teach at Wayne State University on gay and lesbian studies I would show film clips of various movies and television shows portraying gay and lesbian relationship and sexuality. The women in my class all knew of the shows and would reveal they enjoyed watching the two men having sex during the shows. One show in particular which was arousing for them was "Queer as Folk".

But the most shocking to me was learning that some lesbians enjoyed and were aroused by watching gay male porn too. At first I thought it was a joke. How could this be? Why would a group of women who are self-identified as lesbians--inherently meaning that they are sexually and romantically attracted to other women--be turned on by man-on-man porn?

In an article called, "Hot Man On Man Action (And the Lesbians Who Love Watching It), by Elizabeth F. Stewart in the magazine In the Family she wrote several reasons why lesbians enjoyed gay male porn. Though her survey is unscientific it should not be overlooked.

Here are some of the reasons Stewart cites that some lesbians enjoy gay porn. I would say these are the same reasons straight women like gay male porn as well:

1. The lack of storyline with emotional content in gay male
   porn.
2. It is a myth that all women--lesbian or
   straight--want a storyline and emotional
   content
   in porn.
3. Lesbians dislike heterosexual porn. They feel the
   women-on-women sex scenes are made for heterosexual men (and they are!) for their titillation and it doesn't seem authentic between the two women. In fact to many it seems fake!
4. In gay male porn the men cannot fake arousal and what the
   viewer sees is real.
5. Gay male sex is "nastier," more "down and dirty," and "forbidden" one women interviewed was quoted as saying in the article.

Another reason I have found women enjoy gay male porn is the balance of power between the two men. In other words, in straight porn, the male is dominant and the woman is submissive simply there to arouse the man. And as found in the survey, the women's arousal seems fake.

However in gay male porn both men enjoy the sexual interaction and the power exchange is balanced and equalized.

Yet another reason is cited in the article by therapist Marny Hall reports in the article is that lesbians "have sexual fantasies that involve penises". She states that

"lesbians report high levels of childhood sexual abuse. Identification with the
abuser (predominantly men) achieved by means of porn-enhanced, non-threatening
fantasies can go a long way toward healing old wounds. There are all kinds of
ways abuse can be recycled--unconscious and conscious assumption of top or
bottom role for purposes of master/healing, [and/or] reenactment of pleasurable
aspects of abuse in new, safe contexts."

This is in line with what I have found amongst straight men who enjoy sex with other men. They are doing the exact same thing as the lesbians addressed by Marny Hall.

I think the blogger comments here speak to how labels are used and only hurt by boxing people in.

HUSBANDS OUT TO THEIR WIVES

Here is an email I received about an online support group for gay or bisexual men who are out to their wives.

HUSBANDS OUT TO THEIR WIVES

Who We ARE Husbands Out to their Wives is a support group for married Gay or Bisexual men who either have or intend to come out to their wives. (The requirement is that a commitment has been made to themselves that it is necessary for their personal well-being and to have absolute honesty with the wife.)

The group was started in 1996 as a sub-group of Bi-Married Men of America (BMMA), an established group for married men who have identified themselves as Gay or Bisexual, but have not necessarily made the decision to come out of the closet to their spouses. The men in HOW represent a wide variety of life styles as far as relating their sexuality to their marriages. Some have no M2M intimate relationships, some do with the support of their wives, and there are examples of triad relationships living under the same roof. But these three types of situations are only some of the examples you will find within our group.

The basic purpose of the group is to be there for support in the struggles that the male certainly has as he tries to work through the problems that marriages, where the spouses may have different sexual orientations, have. One of the commonalities we find among ourselves is the lack of real male friends; guys we have bonded with, that we share our lives with in the way it appears that women do with their friends. We do not give advice, rather relate through personal experiences, the ways in which we have handled our own lives. We advocate neither divorce nor separation, but we never fail to realize the fact that in human emotions, that status (divorce) may be inevitable for some.

We request that those who have gone through divorce remain on the list for the support and understanding they can offer - both the positives and the negatives of their experiences. Our subjects or "threads" vary from discussions of our sexuality, our relationship to our wives and children, the process of coming out to our children, the sharing of humor (it is needed to break the depression that too often results), spiritual discussions, book or movie reviews or discussions, men's health and sex issues, and anything that helps us to support one another. It has been the tradition to have an Annual Gathering - 2003 was in Toronto, 2004 in Philadelphia, Baltimore in 2005, and Las Vegas in Oct. 2006. This year we will be meeting in Providence in November, an average of 32 men attending each year.

Be aware also, that this can be a very intensive email list. Over the history of the list, we average 30 posts a day coming through the server. Because those that are on the list never truly lose the need for support, problems raised range from the "How do we out", "how do we fulfill our personal needs while remaining in the marriage" to "Ways of remaining self-validated", which may include separation and divorce.

There are approximately 200 members on the list at any given time (233 as of this morning 9/12/07), that number slowly increasing as members join, resign, frequently come back, and there is more recognition and need as the vast numbers of us are slowly being recognized.. We demand civility and a humanistic approach in all we say, though the group is basically unmoderated with an administrator and an advisory committee of long-standing members.

What We Need for Membership in the List:

Being aware of the need for privacy and protection, particularly in those just contemplating coming out, HOW is a closed list in the sense that one must apply, and comply with the simple bits of information we request, some for record-keeping, some for the members to get to know each other, how to respond.

1. Your real name. This is published to the list only if you wish, but we do need it for our records - only the moderator and the bio guy ever have access to the Master List If you do not want your last name used (many begin that way), request that and we will comply. (we will also accept a complete alias for publication purposes - we still need your real name.) Be aware, however, that many of us have emails that display our real names. If you have that type of address, the guys are intelligent enough to figure out who you are.

2. To help all of us determine where we might find a "brother", we request city/country/state or province/ a phone area code where appropriate.

3. Responses can be age-based. Please include your birthdate (we also maintain a list to exchange greetings) or at least your current age.

4. Please tell us if your wife is aware of your current orientation or if your are in the process of telling her, If the latter is appropriate, try to remember that we rarely do things without a time table - we don't need that, you do.

5. Please include a paragraph telling us where you are today that can be sent to the membership in your welcoming letter, 3 - 5 sentences which may includes your intention or how you outted/got outted; length of marriage; age of spouse; your feelings; family situation ( # of kids, ages); if out, how open is your closet door. (This introductory bio can be as comprehensive as you wish, just remember that what you say is how the members will respond.)

6. Within 2 - 4 weeks we require a longer biography (and we will send samples), length and detail to be determined by you, based on the theory that the more we know about you, the better we can tailor our experiences to help you on you potentially bumpy road, This will be placed in our archives for other members to access in order to help each other. (Access to bios requires a list membership number which is only assigned when you submit your own bio.)

I don't want to over-emphasize the importance of letting the Moderator know about your name and whether it can be released to the membership. Each of us deserves the right to determine who and when our private lives become known. To repeat, you may request you last name be withheld from the group, or you may write with your real name and ask to use an alias online.

Please just don't ask for no last name being used if it appears in your email address from your serve - Yahoo is notorious for this.

If we are what you are looking for to regain self-authenticity, please understand that we are ready to help I hope we hear back from you. Please send the information to frazer.jones@gmail.com

"I Am Bisexual. I Like Both Gay & Straight Men!" Alan Semonian

This is a quote from a friend of mine who has given me permission to reprint it. I think it speaks to the large number of gay men who enjoy erotic play with straight men.

I have received many emails from gay men who have told me that reading this blog is like reading pornography for them in that they have fantasies of wanting to be sexual with straight men.

I have had many clients that enjoy finding straight men they can convince to be sexual with them.

The following is an excerpt on this topic of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy from chapter 7 of my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love.


I identify the cultural phenomenon of gay males seeking “straight acting” gay men because of internalized homophobia and how they’re more often looking for masculine acting men.

But what about gay men’s sexual obsessions with real straight men? I’ve heard countless clients tell me of their interest in “getting sexual with a straight man” for one night. Some clients talk about wanting the man to remain straight all the way through the fantasy while they “service” him without reciprocation. Others want him to participate by talking or telling him what to do, while still others want him to lay back and be worshiped. Others want the straight man to humiliate them, while still others want the straight man to suddenly become sexually interested back toward him. Whatever the case, it gives you more information about yourself.

I see sexual fantasies about straight men as longings for being accepted by straight men in general or your father. Straight men can be stand-ins for your fathering figures—a dynamic very similar to that of the fag hag who flirts heavily with gay men, knowing nothing will come of it.

In Arousal, Bader describes the situation of straight women sexually attracted to gay men because they’re “safe.” He writes that these women can become “sexually expressive . . . in a more confident and spontaneous way than they can with straight men . . . because their overtures will not be reciprocated. These are women who have anxieties about being sexual with straight men because they’re afraid of being overpowered or rejected.”

A gay man won’t cross the line toward her, makes it safe for women to flirt and be sexually aggressive with him without risking rejection, since he is gay anyway. If she convinces the gay guy to be sexual with her, Bader states that this is “reassurance that she is especially attractive.”

Gay men have been wounded, bruised, beaten down, and humiliated by straight men— resulting in straight men, particularly those in a position of authority, being recipients of both positive and negative transference from gay men. We hear over and over that these men would never accept a sissy boy—which we have accepted that we are. Because of this, gay men often fear straight men.

As children, we do love these paternal figures and we want their acceptance; as adults, we sexualize these straight men because it unconsciously offers a way to feel safely and pleasantly attached to them. In the sexual fantasy of pleasing a straight guy, you finally get a chance to make contact with him and get the approval you have always wanted.

Some gay men have fantasies of overpowering straight men—seducing or forcing gay sex onto them. Again, while these fantasies can make for exciting fun, preoccupation with them or acting on them—even with a willing straight male—won’t help you find Mr. Right in the long run, if that is in fact what you are looking for. It can also be a distraction from examining your own issues around straight males.

Straight men and Patriarchy

I totally agree with William Leap. This is very good and makes total sense to me as I have worked with these men professionally for 23 years. I would meet these men as a single gay man during sexual hookups. Gay men cannot deny men like Craig who are straight but act gay exist as they have all been with one at one time or another.

For men, 'straight' label is inflexible
BY J. PEDER ZANE, The News & Observer

Consider this: Almost half of all men who have sex with other men in public bathrooms consider themselves straight, according to William Leap, a professor of anthropology at American University, who has studied this behavior since the early 1990s.

"They insist, 'I'm not gay, I'm not homosexual, I'm straight,' " Leap told me. "The general description for these guys is they are married and they often talk about these encounters as recreational -- fun, excitement, a break from the long workday."

One man told Leap that the encounters offered "dangerous excitement" in contrast to his emotionally dull second marriage. Another man said he would stop off at a known cruising spot after work, have sex, then pick up a quart of milk before returning home to his wife and kids. "It was almost like a scheduled activity he had in his day planner," Leap said.

A complex continuum

Leap, who edited the essay collection "Public Sex, Gay Space," agreed that most people would conclude these men are gay -- a view he described as overly simplistic. For starters, he said, that judgment defines these men by one aspect of their behavior, discounting, for example, their lives with their wives. It also presumes that society's general assumptions about how straight men should act are more accurate than their own conceptions of themselves as heterosexuals. Finally, Leap said, it defines homosexuality exclusively in terms of sex.

"Being gay is not just a sexual position," he said. "It also involves a self-acceptance and a public declaration, a willingness to to say 'I am gay' and to make that clear to one's self. Perhaps these men are in denial, but if we just write them off as closeted or repressed, we limit our understanding of what straightness might entail."

I wasn't completely convinced. The taboos on homosexual activity are so strong that, it seems, only powerful urges could impel men to cross that line. At heart, it must be something they feel they must do to satisfy a fundamental need.

The issue, Leap countered, is not whether these men are gay but the constricted ways American society views straight male behavior. The rest of the population -- women and gay men -- are not bound by the one drop rule.

Few would suggest, for example, that a self-identified gay man who sleeps with women on occasion is secretly straight. Or consider the images of young women making out with each other in the "Girls Gone Wild" videos. I don't know anybody who immediately concludes that they are lesbians. Show people videos of men kissing, and people will instantly say they are gay.

"Homophobia Acts Like a Psychological Condom on their Manhood" Sociologist Christophe Gentaz

I promised not to turn this blog into anything political and I plan to keep that promise. The fact that so much of my latest entries is about a political figure, Sen. Larry Craig, is only because he is in the media and he is prompting conversations and debates about men who have sex with men (MSM).

We are seeing more and more that homophobic men are not always hiding homosexuality or deeply closeted. Some of these men were sexually abused and/or gender abused where their manhood was perhaps shamed and questioned.

In Larry Craig's case he was hiding homosexual behavior, not identity.

Men like Larry Craig who promoted prejudice by voting against gay rights was one of those men. His homophobia, as the quote from Christophe Gentaz says, is a psychological condom which was exposed the day he was arrested.

Today the Washington Blade, a gay newspaper, has an excellent Opinion article entitled:

Understanding Craig’s identity Gay Like many blacks, Idaho senator rejects media image of modern gay male.
Friday, September 07, 2007

Here is a blurb from the article:

Society must come to terms with the fact that not everyone who has gay sex is necessarily gay. Although it may be a difficult concept for some to comprehend, gay sexual behavior does not equate to gay sexual orientation.

WE LIVE IN a society that is determined to categorize and force people into boxes, assigning them a ratings value of good or bad based upon their race, class, culture and sexual identification.

Today for an individual to self-identity as gay, they seemingly must take on an image created by the media that is based upon societal stereotypes.Craig rejects this identify, simply because this is not who he is.

He is a conservative, married man who has very little in common with America’s gay identity. In fact he is perfectly valid in stating that he is not a gay man.

Is It Just a Phase to Haze?

A hazing article posted on Posted by The Grand Rapids Press September 05, 2007 entitled:

Teen in hazing case sentenced to probation

The hazing detailed in the school and police investigation included restraining students by holding down their arms and legs, slapping victims' stomachs to cause the skin to turn pink, applying pressure to the victim's rectal area through their clothes using thumbs or fingers -- on one occasion, a toothbrush was used to apply pressure. The allegations also included pulling down the perpetrators' pants and putting their rear ends in the face of victims, and using their hands in the victim's genital areas.

I find it of interest that no one talks about the homo-erotic tone to these types of acts. When these articles are written there are no accusations of those involved being homosexual, gay or bisexual.

Why is that? Certainly there is something sexual--even if covertly--about these boys engaging in these types of acts. And yet there is no public outcry, accusations or exploration about what these boys are trying to express in terms of their sexuality.

I suggest that these males engaging in these behaviors are Straight Guise who have various interests in exploring homosexuality and perhaps are not gay. The only permission we give males in our society to expore this is being on the downlow, violence, hazing, bathrooms, or other underground and dark places.

Comic Relief about Sen. Larry Craig: I Will Not Blow This Job

Breaking News

Larry Craig: I Will Not Blow This Job
Idaho Senator Withdraws Resignation

Less than one week after announcing his intention to resign from office, embattled Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) changed course today, telling reporters in Washington, “I will not blow this job.” Over the past few days, there had been whispers in Republican circles that Sen. Craig had, in the words of one of the Idaho senator’s associates, “pulled out too early,” “At the end of the day, Larry does not want to blow this job,” the associate said. “He will do whatever it takes to win back the support of his constituents, even if it means getting down on his knees.”

Another associate of Sen. Craig’s agreed that the Idaho senator announced his intention to vacate his Senate seat too hastily: “I think Larry now feels that to leave office on September 30 would be a premature evacuation.” Sen. Craig got a key vote of support from Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Penn), who held a press conference at the Senate today to call the charges against the Idaho senator a “bum rap.”

But even as Sen. Craig picked up the support of Sen. Specter, a source close to the Republican caucus indicated that most Republicans are “backing away” from Sen. Craig. For his part, Sen. Craig told reporters that he would take whatever steps are necessary to find favor with his Republican colleagues: “I will absolutely bend over backwards.”

Elsewhere, after a B-52 pilot flew over several U.S. states carrying nuclear warheads, the Air Force said that it would discontinue its use of Mapquest.