STAGES OF BISEXUAL IDENTITY

For most bisexuals, there are at least four steps or stages to fully acknowledging and becoming comfortable with their identities as bisexuals.

Confusion over sexual orientation.
Most bisexual people start out feeling very confused about their attraction towards people of both sexes, questioning their own reality, and wondering "Is something wrong with me?" Some spend their entire lives in this stage, hiding their sexual orientation, feeling isolated and alone with the inner turmoil over their dual attractions.

Many go through life identifying as straight or gay/lesbian in order to be accepted and make sense of their sexual orientation. Because their own experience does not conform to either community, they feel intense external pressure to choose one and identify with it. Without any language to frame their own reality, and no visible role models or community available to them, bisexual people must have sufficient self-confidence and belief in their own identity in order to eventually transcend this stage.

Discovery of the bisexual label and choosing to identify as bisexual.
Almost all bisexual people acknowledge that discovering the label "bisexual" was pivotal in understanding and accepting their sexual orientation. Most experience extreme relief when they hear the word "bisexual" for the first time, because they finally have a word that mirrors their experience and feelings.

For some, the negative stereotypes of bisexuals as "promiscuous" "fence sitters," neurotic, or vectors of AIDS prevent them from identifying with the label or claiming it for themselves, but most agree that it comes closer than any other language to describing their lives. Instead of rejecting the label, many bisexuals invent their own definition and create bisexual lifestyles that fit their individual lives.

Settling into and maintaining a bisexual identity.
For many bisexual people, this step is the most difficult. Intellectually, they feel good about being bisexual, but emotionally, they experience extreme conflict living in the real world as bisexual. Often scorned by family and friends and rejected by spouses or potential partners for being bisexual, they find that to develop and maintain a bisexual identity requires inner strength, self-reliance, confidence, and independence. Many overcome these obstacles by forming their own community, finding accepting friends and lovers, and staying out of the closet despite the consequences.

Transforming adversity.
For most bisexuals, coming out and staying out of the closet is an on-going process which must be repeated with every new social situation, workplace, friend, and lover. Many see this process as the most important form of political action, creating visible role models and a cohesive bisexual community. Because most bisexuals have suffered through the first three stages alone and in silence, they want to make it easier for other bisexuals to recognize and embrace their sexual orientation without years of inner turmoil and loneliness.

Many also get involved in bisexual political organizations as a way to increase bisexual visibility and promote bisexuality as a viable identity. Just as gay men and lesbians were only able to win some rights through fighting in both the social and political arenas, bisexuals will only win political and human rights through coming out of the closet and developing political clout.

What does this mean for you?

Does any of this sound familiar?

Are you struggling with ambivalence or confusion over your sexual orientation?

Or are you ready to embrace a bisexual orientation?

Are you seeking community to share your developing identity with others?

If so, reach out for support now. Check out one of the many bisexual and questioning support groups listed in this blog, to find a safe place to express your feelings and meet others who are going through similar experiences.

One-to-one counseling or therapy can also be helpful in sorting out feelings and gaining clarity and self – confidence. Be careful to seek out a non – judgmental therapist who is supportive of bisexuality and has expertise in bisexual issues.

And joining bisexual social or political groups is also a great way to see visible role models and to allow your bisexual identity to evolve in a way that fits you. And last, but certainly not least, there are now many excellent books on bisexuality, which help you understand and fully embrace your sexual orientation. - Dr Elna McIntosh, Health24 sexologist)

RESOURCE:

Bisexual.org


BOOK:

The Bisexual Option by Fritz Klein

13 Types of Bisexuals

In an article entitled, Getting to grips with the various types of bisexuality, it talks about the various types of bisexuals that exist.

Many people are 100% gay or lesbian and are drawn sexually and emotionally only to partners of the same sex. Others are completely heterosexual, bonding in sexual and intimate relationships only with people of another sex.

But what about everybody else?

A significant percentage of people do not fit neatly into either of these categories, because they experience sexual and emotional attractions and feelings for people of different genders at some point during their lives. For lack of a better term, they are called bisexuals, although, many people prefer to call themselves “pansexual”, “non – preferential”, “sexually fluid”, “ambisexual” or “omni – sexual”.

The Kinsey scale

The Kinsey scale of zero to six was developed by sex researchers to describe sexual orientation as a continuum. Heterosexual people are at zero on the scale, gay and lesbian people are at six, at the other end of the scale and everyone in between, from one to five, is bisexual. According to Kinsey, people who fall at one or two on the scale have primarily heterosexual sexual and affectional relationships and desires, but have some attraction and experiences with same-sex partners as well.

People at three on the scale are approximately equally attracted to both men and women. People at four and five on the Kinsey Scale choose primarily same-sex partners, but are not completely gay or lesbian and have some heterosexual tendencies and relationships as well.

Who is bisexual?As you can see, there is no simple definition of bisexuality, and bisexual people are a very diverse group. Some bisexual people are committed to monogamous, long-term relationships, others have more than one partner concurrently in a variety of arrangements. There are several theories about different models of bisexual behavior. J.R. Little identifies at least 13 types of bisexuality, as defined by sexual desires and experiences. They are:

1. Alternating bisexuals: May have a relationship with a man. When that
relationship ends, may choose a female partner for a subsequent relationship and
may go back to a male partner next.

2. Recreational bisexuals: Primarily heterosexual but engage in gay or lesbian sex only when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

3. Motivational bisexuals: Straight women who have sex with other women only because a male partner insists on it to titillate him.

4. Circumstantial bisexuals: Primarily heterosexual but will choose same-sex partners only in situations where they do not have access to other sex partners such as in jail, in the military or in a gender-segregated school.

5. Concurrent relationship ­bisexuals: Have
primary relationships with one gender only but have other casual or secondary
relationships with people of another gender at the same time.

6. Conditional bisexuals: Either straight or gay/lesbian, but will switch to a relationship with ­another gender for financial or ­career gain or for a specific
purpose. They include young, straight males who become gay prostitutes or
lesbians who get married to men to gain ­acceptance from family members or
to have children.

7. Emotional bisexuals: Have ­intimate emotional relationships with men and women but only have sexual relationships with one ­gender.

8. Integrated bisexuals: Have more than one primary relationship
at the same time, one with a man and one with a woman.

9. Exploratory bisexuals: Either straight or gay/lesbian, but have sex with another gender just to satisfy curiosity or “see what it’s like”.

10. Hedonistic bisexuals: Primarily heterosexual but engage in gay or lesbian sex only when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

11. Isolated bisexuals: 100% straight or gay/lesbian now but have previously had sexual experiences with another gender.

12. Latent bisexuals: Completely straight or gay/lesbian in behavior. Have a
strong desire for sex with the other gender but have never acted on it.
Motivational bisexuals: Straight women who have sex with other women only
because a male partner insists on it to titillate him.

13. Transitional bisexuals: Temporarily identify as bisexual while moving from being straight to ­being gay or lesbian or going from being gay or lesbian to being
hetero­sexual. Many of these people might not call themselves bisexual
but because they are attracted to and have relationships with men and women,
they are bisexual.

While literally millions of people are bisexual, most keep
their sexual orientation secret, so bisexual people as a group are nearly
invisible in society.

Gay men and lesbian women have long recognised the
need to join together, create a community and organise politically. Long years
of hard work have led to significant gains in political and human rights and a
visible and thriving gay and lesbian community.

Social isolation Many bisexual people say they feel like outsiders in the straight and gay/lesbian worlds and that they can’t fit in anywhere. They feel isolated and confused. Studies have shown that bisexual people suffer from social isolation more
than gay men or lesbians because they lack a community where they can find
acceptance and role models.

Many gay men feel that bisexual men are really gay, that they are in denial about being gay and they should “just get over it.” Many straight men are homophobic and hate and fear bisexual and gay men, often victimising them with harassment and physical violence.

Many straight women reject bisexual men out of misguided fears that they have Aids and admonish them to “stop sitting on the fence and make up their minds”. Bisexual women are often distrusted by lesbians for “sleeping with the enemy”, hanging onto heterosexual privileges through relationships with men and betraying their allegiances to women and feminism.

Straight women often reject ­bisexual women fearing that they will make sexual overtures and try to “convert” them to bisexuality.

Bisexuality an authentic sexual orientation

The straight and gay/lesbian communities seem to have only two possible models of bisexuality, neither of which represents bisexual people accurately.
The first is the “transitional model” of bisexuality. They believe that all bisexuals are gay or lesbian but are just on their way to eventually coming out as gay.

The other is the “pathological model”. These bisexuals are seen as neurotic or mentally unstable because they are in conflict, trying to decide if they are straight or
gay/lesbian and that they just can’t make a decision.

Both models see bisexuality as a temporary experience or a “phase” born out of confusion rather than an authentic sexual orientation equally as valid as heterosexuality or homosexuality.

Bisexuals cannot conform to the ethics of the gay or straight
world or they would not be bisexual. ­Instead, they must re-invent personal
lifestyles and relationships that serve their needs although they don’t fit
anyone else’s rules.

Bisexuals must invent their own identity Some researchers have noted that being bisexual is, in some ways, similar to being biracial. Mixed-race persons generally don’t feel comfortable or accepted by people of either ethnic group. They feel they don’t belong or fit in anywhere as their existence challenges the very concept of race.
Like bisexual people, they spend most of their lives moving between two communities that don’t really understand or accept them.

Like biracial people, bisexual people must
struggle to invent their own identities to correspond to their own experience.
Forming a bisexual identity helps bisexual people to structure, make sense
of and give meaning and definition to their reality.

Dude, I'm Not Gay!

In my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love I talk about how men distance themselves from homosexuality.

From chapter 2:

Being raised male in the heterosexist culture means avoiding and distancing
yourself from being viewed as gay in any way. Gay is synonymous with
effeminate.
This is inherent sexism, as if being associated with anything
female would
denigrate you. In our culture, being male is a privileged
status, and anything
else is viewed as inferior. A number of times I’ve had
a straight man notice my
wedding ring and ask if I’m married. I’ll say,
“Yes,” because I am. When he asks
my wife’s name, I pleasantly correct him
and tell him that I’m married to a man
whose name is Mike.
Often, the
guy steps back and immediately exclaims,
“Dude, I’m not gay!” He may then
proceed to ask, “Why did you choose to tell me
you’re gay?” as if I had a
sexual motive, or tell me he was “grossed out” by the
idea. Now, I never
implied that he was gay by telling him I was, nor did I have
any ulterior
motive. I was simply correcting him, just as when people wish me a
Merry
Christmas. I nicely tell them I am Jewish; whereupon they usually respond
politely by saying, “Oh, sorry! Happy Hanukah!” I’ve never seen anyone back
away, exclaiming, “Dude, I’m not Jewish. Now all I can do is imagine you in
a
yarmulke in synagogue and I’m grossed out. You’re trying to convert me?”

In her book, Dude, I'm Not Gay, author C.J. Pascoe writes about how the word, fag, is used to degrade teenage boys in her study on teenagers. She writes:

During my year and a half of research at River High, I found that these
comments, when coming from and directed at boys, often have as much to do with
shoring up definitions of masculinity as they do with reinforcing notions of
“normal” heterosexuality.

In her article in the American Sexuality Magazine she writes:

To sissies and straight boys who don’t play football, ‘Dude, you’re a fag’
How homophobia operates in high school

“I’m talking like sixth grade, I started being called a fag. Fifth
grade I was called a fag. Third grade I was called a fag,” seventeen-year-old
*Ricky recounted as we sat at a plastic picnic table outside of a fast food
restaurant in California’s Sacramento delta region. Though he experienced this
type of harassment throughout elementary and junior high school, Ricky said that
the threats intensified as he entered *River High School.
At “all the schools
the verbal part . . . the slang, ‘the fag,’ the ‘fuckin’ freak,’ ‘fucking fag,’
all that stuff is all the same. But this is the only school that throws water
bottles, throws rocks, and throws food.” Harassment like this hounded him out of
his school’s homecoming football game. “Two guys started walking up to get
tickets said, ‘There’s that fucking fag.’” During the game boys threw balloons
and bottles at Ricky along with comments like, “What the fuck is that fag doing
here? That fag has no right to be here.”
While this singular event stands out
as particularly hate filled, Ricky’s story also illustrates the larger problems
of homophobia and gender-based teasing in high school. Homophobic taunting is
especially intense during adolescence, a time when sexuality and romance are at
the fore of social life. For boys, and not just those who are branded as gay,
walking through a hallway is like running a gauntlet of homophobic insults as
their male classmates imitate effeminate men and hurl homophobic slurs. My book examines this
ubiquitous homophobia. During my year and a half of research at River High, I
found that these comments, when coming from and directed at boys, often have as
much to do with shoring up definitions of masculinity as they do with
reinforcing notions of “normal” heterosexuality.

This is particularly true of
the slur “fag.” While the term “gay” is frequently used as a synonym for stupid,
it lacks the gender loaded skew of the term “fag.” Oftentimes when boys call
someone a “fag” they simultaneously imitate effeminate men (in other words,
behavior they consider to be “fag-like”). Their homophobic comments, jokes, and
interactions, in a sense, serve to punish others into behaving in
stereotypically masculine ways. Though homophobia is usually thought of as fear
of same sex attraction, in high school, boys’ homophobia is also about policing
gendered norms.

At River High I saw and heard boys imitate effeminate
behavior and hurl the word “fag” so frequently at one another that I came to
call it a “fag discourse.” Invoking this epithet and joking about “fags” were
not just random incidents, but systemic and well accepted ways for teenage boys
to communicate. Boys talked about others they considered to be “fags,” made
jokes about unmasculine mannerisms, imitated those mannerisms, and used the term
to insult one another both jokingly and seriously. They lisped, pretended to
lust after men, and drew laughs from primarily male onlookers. They frantically
lobbed the epithet at one another, in a sort of compulsive name calling ritual.
Because the “fag” slur is and isn’t about sexual desire, both self-identified
gay boys and heterosexual boys were subject to the label for failing at
stereotypically masculine tasks or revealing, in any way, weakness or
femininity.

To buy the book

"I Am Not Gay" sung to the tune of YMCA Performed by the Village People

A funny video about Sen. Larry Craig.

Sexual Addiction and straight men who have sex with men

Here is an excellent write up about straight men who have sex with men as it relates to sexual addiction. The article is in the New York Daily News Health Section by Dr. David Moore and Bill Manville. They refer to why men like Sen. Larry Craig might sexually act out with other men in public bathrooms.

Their column, What causes sex addiction - and what you can do, quotes Dr. Don Strassberg, a professor at the University of Utah, saying:

Sexual activity centers on the release of the brain chemical, Dopamine - which
is as powerful as cocaine or meth. Think of Dopamine as colors on an artist's
palette, and your brain's deepest emotional center as the canvas on which you
paint your sexual memories. This primitive, emotional region of the brain - the
limbic system - is so basic that we share it with most mammals.
Sexual
arousal is a basic instinctual motivation. Whether through fantasy
that
brings us pleasure or the sexual acts themselves, Dopamine prints deep rewards
in our psyche.

Then Dr. Dave and Bill talk about sexual addiction in a way that is very important talking about the physiology of why people engage in high risk sexual activity.

Dr. Dave: Sexual activity centers on the release of the brain chemical,
Dopamine - which is as powerful as cocaine or meth. Think of Dopamine as colors
on an artist's palette, and your brain's deepest emotional center as the canvas
on which you paint your sexual memories. This primitive, emotional region of the
brain - the limbic system - is so basic that we share it with most
mammals.

Bill: Which explains why you often see dogs so horny they mount
someone's leg or even someone's shoe?

Dr. Dave: Exactly. Sexual arousal is a
basic instinctual motivation. Whether through fantasy that brings us pleasure or
the sexual acts themselves, Dopamine prints deep rewards in our psyche.

Bill: And so when people or things - like the adoring hug of an intern, or seeing
pants around a male ankle in the next bathroom stall - re-arouse the memory.

Dr. Dave: That creates the hunger to act out the behavior that will release Dopamine and even more Dopamine.

Bill: Where does love come in - or at least,
affection?

Dr. Dave: The non-primitive part of our brain connects the drive
for sex with human needs for sharing, for emotional affection and support, and a
sense of family. When someone is hungry for that, but feeling deprived of it for
the moment.

Bill: But memory gets their Dopamine flowing on
hard-drive.

Dr. Dave: Compulsion enters, and they don't care about the
consequences of their actions.

Sex in America

If you're uncomfortable about blacks, you're a racist; uncomfortable about Jews, you are an anti-semite; but today, if you're uncomfortable about sex, you're a civic leader. --- Dr. Marty Klein

I love this quote from another blogger, psychotherapist specializing in sexuality and author, Marty Klein, who writes Sexual Intelligence

Sen. Larry Craig to be on Matt Laur Primetime October 16, 2007

NBC confirms Matt Lauer will interview embattled Sen. Larry Craig Tuesday October 16, 2007. The interview will air in a Matt Lauer Reports primetime special. Excerpts will also run on the Today show Wednesday morning. Lauer will also interview the Senator's wife, Suzanne Craig, who will be speaking publicly for the first time about the incident and the events that followed.

While I don't believe he is innocent of his foot tapping and intent to have sex with another man, I also don't believe he is gay.

I have had hundreds of heterosexual male clients have sex with men and the only thing homosexual about it was the sexual act. Nothing more.

Research is starting to support that sexual acts can be distinct from romantic love. In other words, one can have sexual acts with another human being and it can be void of any romantic and affectional feelings.

Men have intuited this all along. Myself included, we men know that there can be sex for release, sex for love and sex for both. So then why is it such a stretch to believe that men having public sex in restrooms with other men are only doing it for sexual release and nothing more.

Researcher Lisa Diamond tackles the issue of sexual desire and romantic love. Diamond, a researcher and Associate Professor Psychology and Gender Studies Department of Psychology at the Univerisity of Utah wrote an article called, Emerging Perspectives on Distinctions Between Romantic Love and Sexual Desire in Current Directions in Psychological in 2004 stating:

Sexual desire typically denotes a need or drive to seek out sexual
objects or
to engage in sexual activities, whereas romantic love typically
denotes
the
powerful feelings of emotional infatuation and attachment
between
intimate
partners.

Okay so we kind of know this. But in her research she says:

Furthermore, extensive cross-cultural and historical research shows
that
individuals often develop feelings of romantic love for partners
of the
‘‘wrong’’ gender (i.e., heterosexuals fall in love with same gender
partners
and lesbian and gay individuals fall in love with
other-gender partners, as
reviewed in Diamond, 2003). Although
some modern observers have argued that
such relationships must
involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the
straightforward
written reports of the participants themselves are not
consistent with
such a blanket characterization. Rather, it seems that
individuals are
capable of developing intense, enduring, preoccupying
affections for
one another regardless of either partner’s sexual
attractiveness or
arousal.

What I find of most interest in that excerpt from her study is this:

Although some modern observers have argued that such relationships must involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the straightforward written reports of the participants themselves are not consistent with such a blanket characterization.

So this explains why it is possible for gays and lesbians to heterosexually marry and truly fall in love with their spouses. They are not manufacturing it they truly are romantically and affectionally attached to their spouses.

Diamond goes onto say in her article:

Why do the majority of human adults fall in love only with partners to whom
they
are sexually attracted? One reason is obviously cultural: Most
human
societies have strong and well-established norms regarding what
types
of feelings and behaviors are appropriate for different types of
adult
relationships, and they actively channel adults into the ‘‘right’’
types
of relationships through a variety of social practices.

I understand that Diamond's study is about romantic love more than sexual desire. But is it too far of a stretch that one can have sex with someone of the same gender and that is all it means--that they had sex with someone of the same gender?

Physical release. Physical touch with another man. The men who come to my office having engaged in these sexual practices with other men tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship with another man, wake up next to another man, or fantasize about anything about another man. When they do the sexual behavior it is impulsive, erotic and a release.

Are there closeted men in those restrooms? Yes. Are they gay men there? Yes. Are there sexually addicted gay and straight men in there. Yes. So why can't we consider that straight men are in there with their own set of issues themselves without it having anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

Isn't that what we are doing to men like Craig? Trying to push him and men like him into cultural boxes so we can all rest easy and match him with what he does sexually to identify him.

We don't know him. But, shouldn't he be the judge?

Diamond, L. M. (2004). Emerging perspectives on distinctions between romantic love and sexual desire. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 13, 116-119.