Saturday, October 22, 2011
Why are gay men threatened by straight men having sex with men?
There was a post at a website titled, "Queerty" http://www.queerty.com/read-this-if-you-wanna-learn-how-to-seduce-straight-guys-20111019/ which was called, "Read This If You Wanna Learn How To Seduce Straight Guys".
Queerty.com saw an article I wrote on Psychology Today about straight men having sex with other men. What baffles me are the comments of gay men who are naive and ignorant to understanding that men can have sex with men and not be bisexual or gay.
I would be interested in responses here from some of you as to what your thoughts are by the comments on that site.
It is clear from reading this blog and the www.straightguise.com website that I do believe and know that bisexuality exists. I acknowledge that and talk about that when it is true for some men.
One comment was that, "if a man is having sex with both genders than he is bisexual". This implies that bisexuality is simply based on a sexual act which would then have to mean that being gay and straight are only based on sexual acts.
I always say that if I never have sex with another man again for the rest of my life I will still be gay and I know that to be true.
Gay men who are hetererosexually married and having sex with their wives are not bisexual after they come out. They were always gay.
Here is the website page and the comments http://www.queerty.com/read-this-if-you-wanna-learn-how-to-seduce-straight-guys-20111019/
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12 comments:
I suppose this query will never be solved; it seems everyone has a different opinion on it. Somehow, there's an old joke explaining that a single guy who sleeps with men is gay. But a married guy who sleeps with men simply has no scruples. When you think about that, it seems to hold true. [Kudos to those married guys!]
There's so much that stands in the way of sex, honesty, and satisfaction. There's just too many guilt trips to be had with it. Many people pride themselves on the highest standards such as truth, honor, tradition, mores, religion, and marriage. I call all of these people the "do-gooders", for want of a better name. They claim validation by grasping on to any of the virtues that exist in society, and belittle others who don't conform.
What they fail to recognize is that THIS IS WHAT WORKS FOR THEM. That's fine, but it won't necessarily work for everyone. Once they hear of other lifestyles and sexual acts, it all becomes taboo.
I'll always hold true to the belief that sex is extremely complicated, along with its catalysts. The reason why anyone has sex with ANYONE is a matter of consequence; the luck of the draw.
I've come upon every self description or label of sexuality and life styles that exist. Each time the other party felt committed to their actions and beliefs. Who am I to convince them that they are wrong? To me, it made much more sense to seize the opportunity, and never question the reasons that lie therein. The fact is that we had our time together, we were consenting adults, and we were discreet. [That's all that mattered to me.] Some were gay, yet many were married. Some were closeted, and yet, a very few of the married men were open with their wives; almost all were not. Some claimed to be bisexual, some claimed to be curious, and many said that their wives just weren't into sex anymore thanks to menopause.
The reason we're living our lifestyle is varied. We all like to think that if we're cohabiting it's for love. [Love; Tina Turner said it best: "What's love go to do with it?"] Whether or not we're out and truthful to the world is extremely complicated, and I think we need to accept this as a given.
One thing I wonder about are identical twins! I know a number of identical twins who happen to be gay. This makes perfect sense to me as they share an exact chromosome structure. [I also dated one for 3 years; he was closeted, but his brother was out and proud. The parents were very accepting; so why was my guy in the closet? It's something I never understood.]
I also know of another set who are identical, yet one is gay, and the other claims to be straight. Do you really think the straight one is being honest with himself? I doubt it, and I think this proves my theory. PEOPLE JUST CAN'T ALWAYS BE HONEST with themselves, and the reason they choose their sex partners is part and parcel of that eventful package.
Most gay and bisexual men are not educated on sex research, e.g., Kinsey, which has found that there really are no distinct sexual identities when it comes to sexual behavior in men (or women). Gay, bisexual and straight men have all sorts of sex with all sorts of men. That is the nature of sexuality and sexual behavior alone does not define sexual identity. When men engage in casual sex, it is just about sex. These men do not ask, "Are you gay?", they just act on physical attraction and sexual arousal. Since gay men also ennage in casual and recreational sex, why shouldn't straight men do the same? Sex is easy to get from other men, it is fun and there is no risk of anyone knowing as it is done in secret. It makes total sense to me both personally and as a professional sex educator and counselor. It seems to me that the straight man engaging in same sex behavior may actually be highly liberated and may have fewer hang-ups than the gay and bisexual men who cannot understand his behavior or accept him.
Re: David Price: I think you're absolutely correct, yet you know as well as anyone that this philosophy isn't popular. Again the morals issue always pops up. But liberated is the exact word that came to me years ago when I was married. I felt liberated, knowing something that too many other people didn't understand or condone my viewpoint.
Sadly, I don't think things are about to change much. It always comes down to finger pointing, stigma, and closeted behavior.
Incidentally, some married men will only play with other married men, feeling a margin of safety in hygiene, and psychological unity. They're not anti gay, they just don't trust their sexual histories.
I think porn is great. My husband and I watch together all the time. It's great..
Thanks for post.
Just one question: why do straight men have sex with men? Except for some exceptions (paid sex, prisons, etc) I don't see the reason. Having the option to have sex with the gender we're attracted to, why would we have sex with the other genfer? I would never have sex with a woman because I'm gay and consequently not attracted to women. It seems quite obvious and I wonder why there are so many attenmpts to explain certain behaviors.
Sorry, but I really feel there is a need to make easy things quite complicated...
i think this post is trying to get you to see that sex is sometimes mechanical, with no feelings. i completely understand a man who says he is straight having sex with another man to kill some time. the only thing i have a problem with is making it seem normal! at what point do actual feelings come into play?
and for the record i don't think that gay men are threatened by this at all. they are just more sensitive because after all it all boils down to "i like you, but i'm not in love wit you" meaning "str8" men who have sex with men, like it they just don't"love" it
Of course it is hard to understand why people do things differently then you do, but everyone is different. There are people like this, because I have met them. I really didn't understand it either at first. Many ignorant straight people wonder why anyone would want to have sex with a member of their own gender. If we truly want equality we have to include all types of sexuality.
As an openly gay man who has had sex with straight men, not sure where the resentment is coming from with my gay brothers. Why should a straight man enjoying sex with a gay man be bothersome?
More than once, I have had intense sex with straight men who have expressed curiosity, nothing more. Other times, straight men have expressed concerns about their sexuality.
No-one has been hurt by this. No-one has been taken advantage of.
Danc09 I completely agree with you.
I am sometimes surprised at how naive and ignorant some gay men can be when it comes to this. I've had my fair share of encounters with my straight friends. I dont understand it completely, but I've thought of it in terms of sexual behaviour and sexual identity. They might have had homoerotic encounters with me but they're still pretty much straight. Maybe cause I was the only close gay male friend that they could experiment with, I dont know. I prefer not to box people but rather try to understand the person as an individual.
I see nothing wrong with straight men having sex with gay men. The best oral sex I received came from a man. And I have been receiving oral sex from the same man for the past two years now. He doesn't label me at all.
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