Dude, I'm Not Gay!

In my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love I talk about how men distance themselves from homosexuality.

From chapter 2:

Being raised male in the heterosexist culture means avoiding and distancing
yourself from being viewed as gay in any way. Gay is synonymous with
effeminate.
This is inherent sexism, as if being associated with anything
female would
denigrate you. In our culture, being male is a privileged
status, and anything
else is viewed as inferior. A number of times I’ve had
a straight man notice my
wedding ring and ask if I’m married. I’ll say,
“Yes,” because I am. When he asks
my wife’s name, I pleasantly correct him
and tell him that I’m married to a man
whose name is Mike.
Often, the
guy steps back and immediately exclaims,
“Dude, I’m not gay!” He may then
proceed to ask, “Why did you choose to tell me
you’re gay?” as if I had a
sexual motive, or tell me he was “grossed out” by the
idea. Now, I never
implied that he was gay by telling him I was, nor did I have
any ulterior
motive. I was simply correcting him, just as when people wish me a
Merry
Christmas. I nicely tell them I am Jewish; whereupon they usually respond
politely by saying, “Oh, sorry! Happy Hanukah!” I’ve never seen anyone back
away, exclaiming, “Dude, I’m not Jewish. Now all I can do is imagine you in
a
yarmulke in synagogue and I’m grossed out. You’re trying to convert me?”

In her book, Dude, I'm Not Gay, author C.J. Pascoe writes about how the word, fag, is used to degrade teenage boys in her study on teenagers. She writes:

During my year and a half of research at River High, I found that these
comments, when coming from and directed at boys, often have as much to do with
shoring up definitions of masculinity as they do with reinforcing notions of
“normal” heterosexuality.

In her article in the American Sexuality Magazine she writes:

To sissies and straight boys who don’t play football, ‘Dude, you’re a fag’
How homophobia operates in high school

“I’m talking like sixth grade, I started being called a fag. Fifth
grade I was called a fag. Third grade I was called a fag,” seventeen-year-old
*Ricky recounted as we sat at a plastic picnic table outside of a fast food
restaurant in California’s Sacramento delta region. Though he experienced this
type of harassment throughout elementary and junior high school, Ricky said that
the threats intensified as he entered *River High School.
At “all the schools
the verbal part . . . the slang, ‘the fag,’ the ‘fuckin’ freak,’ ‘fucking fag,’
all that stuff is all the same. But this is the only school that throws water
bottles, throws rocks, and throws food.” Harassment like this hounded him out of
his school’s homecoming football game. “Two guys started walking up to get
tickets said, ‘There’s that fucking fag.’” During the game boys threw balloons
and bottles at Ricky along with comments like, “What the fuck is that fag doing
here? That fag has no right to be here.”
While this singular event stands out
as particularly hate filled, Ricky’s story also illustrates the larger problems
of homophobia and gender-based teasing in high school. Homophobic taunting is
especially intense during adolescence, a time when sexuality and romance are at
the fore of social life. For boys, and not just those who are branded as gay,
walking through a hallway is like running a gauntlet of homophobic insults as
their male classmates imitate effeminate men and hurl homophobic slurs. My book examines this
ubiquitous homophobia. During my year and a half of research at River High, I
found that these comments, when coming from and directed at boys, often have as
much to do with shoring up definitions of masculinity as they do with
reinforcing notions of “normal” heterosexuality.

This is particularly true of
the slur “fag.” While the term “gay” is frequently used as a synonym for stupid,
it lacks the gender loaded skew of the term “fag.” Oftentimes when boys call
someone a “fag” they simultaneously imitate effeminate men (in other words,
behavior they consider to be “fag-like”). Their homophobic comments, jokes, and
interactions, in a sense, serve to punish others into behaving in
stereotypically masculine ways. Though homophobia is usually thought of as fear
of same sex attraction, in high school, boys’ homophobia is also about policing
gendered norms.

At River High I saw and heard boys imitate effeminate
behavior and hurl the word “fag” so frequently at one another that I came to
call it a “fag discourse.” Invoking this epithet and joking about “fags” were
not just random incidents, but systemic and well accepted ways for teenage boys
to communicate. Boys talked about others they considered to be “fags,” made
jokes about unmasculine mannerisms, imitated those mannerisms, and used the term
to insult one another both jokingly and seriously. They lisped, pretended to
lust after men, and drew laughs from primarily male onlookers. They frantically
lobbed the epithet at one another, in a sort of compulsive name calling ritual.
Because the “fag” slur is and isn’t about sexual desire, both self-identified
gay boys and heterosexual boys were subject to the label for failing at
stereotypically masculine tasks or revealing, in any way, weakness or
femininity.

To buy the book

"I Am Not Gay" sung to the tune of YMCA Performed by the Village People

A funny video about Sen. Larry Craig.

Sexual Addiction and straight men who have sex with men

Here is an excellent write up about straight men who have sex with men as it relates to sexual addiction. The article is in the New York Daily News Health Section by Dr. David Moore and Bill Manville. They refer to why men like Sen. Larry Craig might sexually act out with other men in public bathrooms.

Their column, What causes sex addiction - and what you can do, quotes Dr. Don Strassberg, a professor at the University of Utah, saying:

Sexual activity centers on the release of the brain chemical, Dopamine - which
is as powerful as cocaine or meth. Think of Dopamine as colors on an artist's
palette, and your brain's deepest emotional center as the canvas on which you
paint your sexual memories. This primitive, emotional region of the brain - the
limbic system - is so basic that we share it with most mammals.
Sexual
arousal is a basic instinctual motivation. Whether through fantasy
that
brings us pleasure or the sexual acts themselves, Dopamine prints deep rewards
in our psyche.

Then Dr. Dave and Bill talk about sexual addiction in a way that is very important talking about the physiology of why people engage in high risk sexual activity.

Dr. Dave: Sexual activity centers on the release of the brain chemical,
Dopamine - which is as powerful as cocaine or meth. Think of Dopamine as colors
on an artist's palette, and your brain's deepest emotional center as the canvas
on which you paint your sexual memories. This primitive, emotional region of the
brain - the limbic system - is so basic that we share it with most
mammals.

Bill: Which explains why you often see dogs so horny they mount
someone's leg or even someone's shoe?

Dr. Dave: Exactly. Sexual arousal is a
basic instinctual motivation. Whether through fantasy that brings us pleasure or
the sexual acts themselves, Dopamine prints deep rewards in our psyche.

Bill: And so when people or things - like the adoring hug of an intern, or seeing
pants around a male ankle in the next bathroom stall - re-arouse the memory.

Dr. Dave: That creates the hunger to act out the behavior that will release Dopamine and even more Dopamine.

Bill: Where does love come in - or at least,
affection?

Dr. Dave: The non-primitive part of our brain connects the drive
for sex with human needs for sharing, for emotional affection and support, and a
sense of family. When someone is hungry for that, but feeling deprived of it for
the moment.

Bill: But memory gets their Dopamine flowing on
hard-drive.

Dr. Dave: Compulsion enters, and they don't care about the
consequences of their actions.

Sex in America

If you're uncomfortable about blacks, you're a racist; uncomfortable about Jews, you are an anti-semite; but today, if you're uncomfortable about sex, you're a civic leader. --- Dr. Marty Klein

I love this quote from another blogger, psychotherapist specializing in sexuality and author, Marty Klein, who writes Sexual Intelligence

Sen. Larry Craig to be on Matt Laur Primetime October 16, 2007

NBC confirms Matt Lauer will interview embattled Sen. Larry Craig Tuesday October 16, 2007. The interview will air in a Matt Lauer Reports primetime special. Excerpts will also run on the Today show Wednesday morning. Lauer will also interview the Senator's wife, Suzanne Craig, who will be speaking publicly for the first time about the incident and the events that followed.

While I don't believe he is innocent of his foot tapping and intent to have sex with another man, I also don't believe he is gay.

I have had hundreds of heterosexual male clients have sex with men and the only thing homosexual about it was the sexual act. Nothing more.

Research is starting to support that sexual acts can be distinct from romantic love. In other words, one can have sexual acts with another human being and it can be void of any romantic and affectional feelings.

Men have intuited this all along. Myself included, we men know that there can be sex for release, sex for love and sex for both. So then why is it such a stretch to believe that men having public sex in restrooms with other men are only doing it for sexual release and nothing more.

Researcher Lisa Diamond tackles the issue of sexual desire and romantic love. Diamond, a researcher and Associate Professor Psychology and Gender Studies Department of Psychology at the Univerisity of Utah wrote an article called, Emerging Perspectives on Distinctions Between Romantic Love and Sexual Desire in Current Directions in Psychological in 2004 stating:

Sexual desire typically denotes a need or drive to seek out sexual
objects or
to engage in sexual activities, whereas romantic love typically
denotes
the
powerful feelings of emotional infatuation and attachment
between
intimate
partners.

Okay so we kind of know this. But in her research she says:

Furthermore, extensive cross-cultural and historical research shows
that
individuals often develop feelings of romantic love for partners
of the
‘‘wrong’’ gender (i.e., heterosexuals fall in love with same gender
partners
and lesbian and gay individuals fall in love with
other-gender partners, as
reviewed in Diamond, 2003). Although
some modern observers have argued that
such relationships must
involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the
straightforward
written reports of the participants themselves are not
consistent with
such a blanket characterization. Rather, it seems that
individuals are
capable of developing intense, enduring, preoccupying
affections for
one another regardless of either partner’s sexual
attractiveness or
arousal.

What I find of most interest in that excerpt from her study is this:

Although some modern observers have argued that such relationships must involve hidden or suppressed sexual desires, the straightforward written reports of the participants themselves are not consistent with such a blanket characterization.

So this explains why it is possible for gays and lesbians to heterosexually marry and truly fall in love with their spouses. They are not manufacturing it they truly are romantically and affectionally attached to their spouses.

Diamond goes onto say in her article:

Why do the majority of human adults fall in love only with partners to whom
they
are sexually attracted? One reason is obviously cultural: Most
human
societies have strong and well-established norms regarding what
types
of feelings and behaviors are appropriate for different types of
adult
relationships, and they actively channel adults into the ‘‘right’’
types
of relationships through a variety of social practices.

I understand that Diamond's study is about romantic love more than sexual desire. But is it too far of a stretch that one can have sex with someone of the same gender and that is all it means--that they had sex with someone of the same gender?

Physical release. Physical touch with another man. The men who come to my office having engaged in these sexual practices with other men tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship with another man, wake up next to another man, or fantasize about anything about another man. When they do the sexual behavior it is impulsive, erotic and a release.

Are there closeted men in those restrooms? Yes. Are they gay men there? Yes. Are there sexually addicted gay and straight men in there. Yes. So why can't we consider that straight men are in there with their own set of issues themselves without it having anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.

Isn't that what we are doing to men like Craig? Trying to push him and men like him into cultural boxes so we can all rest easy and match him with what he does sexually to identify him.

We don't know him. But, shouldn't he be the judge?

Diamond, L. M. (2004). Emerging perspectives on distinctions between romantic love and sexual desire. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 13, 116-119.

Mother-son Incest

I discovered today that at MaleSurvor.org there were postings about the lack of resources on mother-son incest. There is such a taboo that mothers can--and do--sexually abuse their sons. But they can--and they do! However there are few to no books about the subject.

I want to start talking on this blog about mother-son incest because it does exist and contributes to straight and gay sexual acting out.

Some of the sexual abuse by mothers causes men to seek out sex with other men feeling that men are safer than women. Again, this is not about homosexuality it is about sexually acting out trauma. And there are a number of reasons for this that I will discuss here on Straight Guise.

One of the reasons mothers sexually abuse their sons is misandry.

The following is an excerpt from my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love in chapter five on gay men and their relationships with their mothers. I have edited it to speak to any male who has issues with his mother.

In this society, it is taboo to speak ill of our mothers, so we either keep
silent or get judged negatively for doing so. By going against his mother, a
man
gets punished and called a misogynist. Perhaps, owing to the horrors of
sexism,
the culture has become too focused in one direction, looking only at
what men
have done to women. It may be time, however, to examine what women
do to
men—especially mothers raising the boys who ultimately grow up to hate
women.
Somewhere our mothers play a part in engendering this negativity.
When
someone disparages his mother, why is our wondering whether she is
at fault met
with disapproval? We allow sons and daughters alike to
criticize their fathers,
and our discomfort over their negative talk is
considerably less than the public
outcry when the topic switches to Mommy
Dearest.
Society reveres anything
associated with “mother”—Mother Earth,
Mother Nature, and the celibate,
childless Mother Teresa. Especially in the
mental health field, when we examine
a child’s early infancy, we focus on
the mother, talking about the time and
attention she devotes to nurturing
her baby. During the child’s first year of
life, the father is rarely the
primary caregiver. I am sure this will change as
more fathers, particularly
gay men, join in the care and rearing of their
children. But until then,
talk about child-rearing usually focuses on the
mother.
Herein lies the
source of the social mantra “Love your mother.” No
one wants to believe that
a mother could not love her children. No one wants to
hear about how a
mother can lack maternal instinct. Those who speak out about
their mothers
abusing them or being indifferent maternally to any extent will
often not be
believed and find themselves accused of betraying their
mothers.
Mother
attachment runs so deep that in Necessary Losses, Judith
Viorst writes, “A
young boy lies in a hospital bed. He is frightened and in
pain. Burns cover
40 percent of his small body. Someone has doused him with
alcohol and then,
unimaginably, has set him on fire. He cries for his mother.
His mother has
set him on fire.”
Viorst goes on to describe the difficulty of separating
from one’s mother: “. . . it doesn’t matter what kind of mother a child has
lost
or how perilous it may be to dwell in her presence. It doesn’t mater
whether she
hurts or hugs. Separation from mother is worse than being in her
arms when the
bombs are exploding. Separation from mother is sometimes worse
than being with
her when she is the bomb.”
You can love your mother, not
want to hurt her,
and at the same time tell her how you feel about her even
when it is not all
good. Often, it’s the father who leaves the children and
the mother who
sacrifices her life for them, so it makes sense that she’s
protected and often
given a pass when she behaves badly. Our society even
protects mothers who have
mistreated or killed their own children; usually,
a group joins to create a fund
to help these mothers. Rarely is the same
done for fathers who mistreat their
children. But this makes sense, since
mothers are often there for her children
and the bond between them is very
tight.

More about mothers who sexually abuse their sons and how this manifests later.

There exists one book on this topic of mother-son incest called The Broken Taboo by Hani G. Miletski (Author)

Fear, Risk & Danger

This week on the cover of the New Yorker. This ritual which has been going on for more than 40 years suddenly makes news just because of Larry Craig? My hope would be that those who write and talk about this in the media will stick to the facts about why and what really goes on those bathrooms rather than sensationalizing it and making a mockery out of it.

As Joseph Campbell once said;

Boys everywhere have a need for rituals, marking their passage to manhood. If society does not provide them, they will inevitably invent their own.

If we don't start acknowledging and making room for straight men having sex with other men this behavior will only continue in underground, dark and secretive places shaming the men who do it causing them to do it even more.

FEAR, RISK and DANGER

These are the crucial elements that cause these men to act out sexually with other men in public places. They are also what cause new lovers and couples who fight and make up to have hot, bonding and exciting sex. The fear, risk and danger of losing someone and being abandoned during the vulnerable time of attaching to new love or in conflict with your partner who you do not want to lose activates natural drugs within your body chemistry.

Natural chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins and adrenaline give sex its "high." Sexual behavior causes chemical changes in the brain, which promote a mood-altering and mind-altering experience.

Then there's a natural drug in our bodies called phenylethylamine or PEA for short. This drug is released when we fall in love each time. Like any drug, it's first release is its most potent which is why most people will say they "never got over their first love". They remember the chemical high that bonds attaches you to a partner.

PEA is an essential chemical for those who are addicted to inherently risky behaviors like gambling, shoplifting, bungee jumping, and sex. PEA's molecular structure parallels amphetamine, and is strongest when first released. This also explains why so many people with addictions say they're always seeking the feeling they had during their first high, and want to re-experience it over and over.

Great books to read about these chemicals to explain why men like Larry Craig would engage in public sex are

and