Thursday, August 30, 2007

Sex Addicts and straight men who have sex with men

As a sexual addiction expert over the past 22 years I have seen hundreds of men who have sex with men who are not gay. Sexual addiction causes its sufferers to go against their own will and do things that go against their own values.

The Larry Craig situation is bringing this into light through an article in the article:

Tapping Into The Secrets Of the Stall
Experts Say Anonymous Sex In Public Places Is A Compulsive Behavior
By Lynne Duke and DeNeen L. Brown Washington Post Staff Writers
Thursday, August 30, 2007

Here are excerpts from this article that Straight Guise addresses:

Therapists also hear plenty about this world in the torment of their patients -- both married and gay men and those who eschew the word "gay" and describe themselves as "men who have sex with other men."

Whatever they call themselves, they are often driven by a craving, much like that which drives a drug addict, said Fred Berlin of the National Institute for the Study, Prevention and Treatment of Sexual Trauma at Johns Hopkins University.

"We use words like 'pervert' and we just demean and make very hard judgments," Berlin said. "What I found is that many of these people are hardworking and struggling hard to be in control. . . . Anybody can have a compulsion, whether it's a sexual compulsion or some other compulsion. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a measure of their character. Their character is something different."

And expert Eli Coleman who is a leading authority on sexual compulsivity had this to say:

"Some people are really compulsively driven to seek sex frequently, anonymously," says Eli Coleman, director of the human sexuality program at the University of Minnesota Medical School. They are often driven by the need to reduce anxiety and regulate their mood, to feel good temporarily, Coleman says.

"But oftentimes the behavior only gives short-term relief, and because of its furtive nature, they feel guilty and shameful and [tell themselves] they're not going to do it ever again, and then they're back out there."

An excellent resource on this topic is Patrick Carnes pioneering book, Out of the Shadows, on the topic, Rob Weiss' book for gay men and sexual addiction, Cruise Control, and I have a chapter about gay men and sexual addiction in my book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives.


jlenoconel said...

There is no solid scientific evidence that gay men are "born gay." Sexuality is very complex, and I do not think its a black and white thing at all.

Dr. Joe Kort said...

Actually there is a lot of science pointing to the fact that you are born gay. Gay is an orientation not a behavior or sexual act. While there is nothing definitive, there is more science pointing to being born gay than not. There is actually a book called, "Born Gay" with scientific citings of the research out there.

Thanks for blogging on Straight Guise.

Anonymous said...

This is very true. I am a married man who's wife is disabled, refuses and doesn't want to have sex anymore because she has lost all desires and physically she is pretty much unable. We haven't discussed me having sex outside our marriage as I already know that she would be jealous and not approve. I love her still and she loves me. I do not have any intentions of ever wanting to hurt her. I am obese, in my early 50's and women do not find me attractive anymore. Plus, between daily grind of work and going to bars and seeking out any women who would be willing to have a sexual relationship knowing I'm married, would be very difficult to do and find the time & money to seek. It is much easier seeking M2M sex in adult video arcades and other locations. I would much rather have a male "fried with benefits" than go out seeking anonymous sex in public restrooms or adult arcades. I am not attracted to men other than the penis and the sexual acts involved. I have no desire to kiss a man or be in a relationship or any form of "love" as I do not have feeling like that for other men. For women yes. IF I had the chance to be with a woman I would find attractive, I could possibly even fall in love with her. Being in a marriage where I love my wife still I would not want to take the risk that I could fall in love with another woman either. Thus another reason I seek M2M sex. And I was molested as a child by a male teenager babysitter when I was about 7-8yrs, old. We would have oral sex. At the time I just knew it felt good and didn't know anything more. So, maybe that might be some reason I have homosexual desires sexually. I think it is a huge "No-no" and thus it is a super rush and thrill to have an orgasm with another male. Almost like a drug rush I suppose. Anyways, that is my story.

Troy Pickens said...

So sex with someone is an orientation, not behavior? So what do we say to pedophiles who give the same argument?